Venting about ex in the first few dates....

Went out on a second date with a guy. Met him online, and the first meetup was great, fun, easy and light. Second date was dinner at his home... he made sure he made foods I like, got my favorite brand of ginger beer, I brought gourmet ice cream for dessert, when I arrived he said I was even more beautiful than he remembered which was sweet.

As I arrive and we start chatting, I notice he is making some negative remarks about his ex, the mother of his children... telling me she is lazy, doesn't like taking them to their activities, that she had called the police on him to have him removed from the home while they were separating, that she had kidnapped the kids, and other such things, all the while saying "I am a good guy, I am a nice guy".

Wondering what you guys would think if you were just getting to know someone (second, third, fourth date) and they were venting about the mother / father of their children this way?

All opinions welcome... clearly it bothered me enough to post it on here but I am curious to know what others think or experienced.

A lot of red flags! The police being called on him is what really stuck out to me. I would move on this guy has way too much baggage!

"I am a good guy, I am a nice guy".

That's a huge red flag. Usually people who say that are exactly the opposite....

Issues about the ex and reasons for breakup are inevitably going to come up, but to talk at length like that is not a good sign. It's just in poor form to trash talk the ex like that as well, at least on the first few dates. More about the breakup and marital issues will naturally come out in time, as do a lot of past relationship issues. The police situation is a red flag, but I would probably take it with a grain of salt at first because we are dealing with a divorce and probably custody issues, and police have been known to be called as it helps build up a custody case. This will come out in court regarding who gets custody or amount of parenting time. However, add this to the venom and trash-talking, and I question his temper. Add to that his need to express to you how nice he is.

I agree that the nice guy commentary is pretty big red flag. Who's he trying to convince?

How long ago were they divorced? He's still extremely bitter and angry and maybe he's not ready to date. It seems to me his focus needs to be on his kids and building a positive life structure, plus having a better attitude and working relationship with his children's mother. She's not going anywhere anytime soon.

I don't know if you want to give it another date or two, but don't be afraid to ask him to stop the ex discussions, but definitely watch his temper.

Yes, it's a red flag that he talks that way about her. There were two people in that marriage, and I'm sure she has a very different perspective.

I also don't love dinner at his house for the second (first real) date. Him making only foods you like, trying to make you feel so comfortable, repeating that he's such a "good guy", plus the ex-bashing, well I don't want to say what this all reminds me of.

Here's the thing: If you like the guy, tell him to stop ex-bashing. Just say it as plainly as you can: "Hey, I'm really enjoying spending time with you, but can you please refrain from telling me bad things about her? I'd like to focus on getting to know you for now." His response will tell you all you need to know.

I would be done.

@ B, yeah me too.

Everyone's got a past, positive/negative, the dealbreaker for me is when he started announcing what a "nice" guy he is.

I don't know what it is, but when a guy starts in with that, my first thought is that he's most likely anything but....

A truly good guy would not need to be announcing it, he'd let his actions "show" you what he's about.

Huge red flags!!!

I would never see him again.

Exes are a part of everyone's story, especially if children are involved, it is what it is, but if they seem to always find a way to bring their ex into the convo *ahem*, run.

If an ex is at the forefront of ones mind they need to heal not date. Ex obsession is a huge red flag not to mention annoying AF. Don't be their therapist as they unload on you.

I'd be thinking 'oh damn, too bad'. Peace out and all that.

To add to my last, IF I really liked him, before I bailed, I might just say I prefer to keep focus off other women, including ex's, and would prefer to keep the focus on getting to know each other.

Some men are just clueless about certain things (sorry guys but 'some' of ya just are lol ), and if they feel comfortable enough, it's anyone's guess the stuff they can blurt out, especially re their ex's.

I've had that happen, and when I said what I proposed above, it turned around.

But the "nice guy" thing? Um, just no.

bottom line is.... red flag on many levels. sounds like you'd have to deal with a lot of drama. only two dates in? BAIL!

Thanks for the feedback all... yes it was SUPER uncomfortable with this line of talk... I mean I don’t like my ex all that much but I don’t bash him to people that are practically strangers. The I’m a good guy probably comes from him feeling as tho he has been torn down for so long... but yeah it’s for me to decide if he is good not something he should be trying to convince me of.

Overall he probably is a good guy, I can sense energy and his is quite pure and light at its core,

but he is really hurt, bitter and angry still and I don’t want to get in the middle of all that.

I notice he is making some negative remarks about his ex, the mother of his children... telling me she is lazy, doesn't like taking them to their activities, that she had called the police on him to have him removed from the home while they were separating, that she had kidnapped the kids, and other such things, all the while saying "I am a good guy, I am a nice guy".

How long since his divorce was finalized?

This guy demo's that he has not been out of his marriage long enough to have established a realistic and advantageous pattern of raising healthy kids with his ex. Either he's not divorced yet, or he's still nursing the kind of grudge that could render any reasonable relationship with him impossible.

He might be a nice guy, but it's 'too soon'. I'd avoid rebound territory. You can't solve his problems, and even if you could, you'd only end up hearing the speech someday about what a wonderful person you are, but he really should have taken the time to learn how to be single.

Head high, and consider preserving any future potential with this guy by telling him that you'll be open to hearing from him after he has finalized his divorce, reconciled his old business and has paved the way for a healthy fresh start--with no grudges.

Agree with limichelle. Lots of red flags, from date two being at his place and more specifically ranting about his ex and especially that she needed to call the cops on him..

she had called the police on him to have him removed from the home while they were separating, that she had kidnapped the kids

He is clearly very angry about the situation with his ex-wife, it sounds very explosive. I wouldn't pursue this person, this is just the tip of the iceberg and more behaviour issues are likely to come to light if you progress with him.

I notice he is making some negative remarks about his ex, the mother of his children... telling me she is lazy, doesn't like taking them to their activities, that she had called the police on him to have him removed from the home while they were separating, that she had kidnapped the kids, and other such things, all the while saying "I am a good guy, I am a nice guy".

In my experience, these are all red flags:

Talking at length about exes

Badmouthing/vilifying exes

Police/court involvement

Sad sack "I'm a nice guy"/ victim role

This ^^^^^^^^^^^

I made that mistake. Avoid the heartache. Because you will get tossed when his emotions start to hit and he fears commitment. Let him be someone else's project until he learns to stop being angry and resentful.

I know this is a serious topic but couldn't help chuckling at "let him be someone else's project" lol so true!

Why do we (some of us) love "projects" so much? Those troubled guys, deep, sensitive, angry, what's the draw? Again for some not all. Virtually all my serious boyfriends have this in common.

SG, you have a nursing license, I studied nursing too, until I changed my focus to the legal field.

We're caring, nurturing, is this pull because somehow, we think our "love" will help them? Somehow believing that they might become emotionally dependent on us because they see us as so supportive and source of strength?

They've been hurt, but they can trust "us." Causing us to feel more secure and "safe"?

Who the hell knows but I've been wondering about this lately.

Guy I'm dating now has "issues" which I knew about before I even met him in person (met him on line).

He said he felt soooo comfortable talking to me, he just let it all out.

I felt flattered! That he felt so comfortable and "trusted" me so much to share his somewhat troubled past with me!

I'm very drawn to him, very into him, we have a great connection, sexual chemistry, we talk, laugh, share.

Had a bit of a hiccup yesterday, but talked it through this morn and am seeing him later.

But I admit he's troubled (I suppose I am as well, at least on some level), so perhaps that's the pull? Again, who knows!

maew, nevermind my last post, upon further reflection, agree with others, best to let this go!!!

I know this is a serious topic but couldn't help chuckling at "let him be someone else's project" lol so true!

 

Why do we (some of us) love "projects" so much? Those troubled guys, deep, sensitive, angry, what's the draw? Again for some not all. Virtually all my serious boyfriends have this in common.

 

SG, you have a nursing license, I studied nursing too, until I changed my focus to the legal field.

 

We're caring, nurturing, is this pull because somehow, we think our "love" will help them? Somehow believing that they might become emotionally dependent on us because they see us as so supportive and source of strength?

 

They've been hurt, but they can trust "us." Causing us to feel more secure and "safe"?

 

Who the hell knows but I've been wondering about this lately.

 

Guy I'm dating now has "issues" which I knew about before I even met him in person (met him on line).

 

He said he felt soooo comfortable talking to me, he just let it all out.

 

I felt flattered! That he felt so comfortable and "trusted" me so much to share his somewhat troubled past with me!

 

I'm very drawn to him, very into him, we have a great connection, sexual chemistry, we talk, laugh, share.

 

Had a bit of a hiccup yesterday, but talked it through this morn and am seeing him later.

 

But I admit he's troubled (I suppose I am as well, at least on some level), so perhaps that's the pull? Again, who knows!QUOTE]

 

True on many levels for me or at least it was... until the last project ended, then I decided I don’t want anymore fixer uppers lol

 

On a more serious I was triggered big time by this guy’s anger and bitterness, and sometimes my judgment gets clouded when I am triggered which is why I was looking for advice... what you said validates what I was thinking and tells me my perception and intuition around dating is getting much better!

.......... :)

Yeah, I might still have a ways to go, although with new guy, for now it's all good!

I used to bring home strays when growing up, even now as an adult I adopted an abandoned pup. Well not totally abandoned, but her owners couldn't care for her anymore.

I think there must be something in my nature that draws me to people/animals who've been hurt, or who are still hurting.

Need to explore it.

@SweetGirl, not sure if you read my posts about my last recent ex, but he used to call me his "comfy place" too. So I hear ya on that too! :)

Good guy, but if I'm honest, I don't think he was "troubled" enough for me, as totally dysfunctional as that might sound.

He lacked the emotional depth to be troubled.

We had a strong sexual chemistry but I'm not gonna hang around just for that. Would have liked to be FWB (maybe), but then decided against it the way it ended.

Sounds like you're in a real good place! It will take awhile to completely extricate the ex, but if you continue with no contact, you'll get there I promise!

Maybe one day you will even be able to be "friends" for real without confusing emotions getting in the way!

I do remember your ex, and you debating the fwb.

I don't want troubled! Lol. But I won't bail unless I need to. Why do you? The more broken, the bigger challenge maybe? :)

I don't want to be friends, there's no reason to be. My friends help me. He doesn't lol.

When I say "troubled" I don't mean an emotional insecure mess who needs fixing per se, I only mean a man who has experienced LIFE, the good, bad and *ugly*, knows what pain is and striving to overcome and heal. And improve.

Introspective, a deep thinker. Within himself and others, and well, just about life!

Very much like myself if I'm honest, as they say like attracts like!

I'm sure my attractions run deeper, but on a very basic level, this describes it.

I see. I relate to that. My ex dumped some heavy stuff on me two dates in , and thought I'd run. I didn't.

Because I didn't judge him for turmoil caused by his first wife or son. I just said okay, you're life isn't perfect. Well, neither is mine! It wasn't an issue . But then finding how deep his emotional withdrawal is, that was tough. I mean he was so loving and affectionate and cuddly and attentive, yet so broken.

 

Ughhhh he can be someone else's issue. I'm not a therapist. I can't be bothered lol he will stay with whomever until they want more and his fear will come out, and he will bail. It's who he is now. I deserve more. I deserve better. Even though he's adorable and sexy and fun and whatever hahaaaa .

Good lord, he sounds commitment-phobe!

And yes you DO deserve better, I am glad you are finally realizing that!!

I'm off to meet my guy now, this always happens when the great discussions start! Lol

Have a good night everyone!

When I hear people complaining about their ex there are three thoughts that come into my head:

1.) They are not over their ex

2.) They have very poor judgement. (after all, they choose this person).

3.) They helped create that situation and are just as bad.

It usually is most definitely one of the above, if not all 3.

Besides the obvious...do nice guys bad mouth people? Even if his ex was a pain, where does it get him to bad mouth her? Turning a nice date into a waste of time. It just makes me shake my head.