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Thread: communication fail

  1. #1

    communication fail

    hello, I'm searching for advice on what to do about the communication issues my fiancée has. We have been together for about 5 years and he has always been unable to communicate to me in a healthy way about things I might do or not do that irritate or upset him. I just kind of let it be up until now but I can't let it go anymore. Since he doesn't tell me in the moment what he's mad about or whatever, he will just hold it in until I say something about him. Basically anytime I try to communicate with him he turns it into an argument about me and unloads 5 years worth of grievances. He says he never says anything about anything because he doesn't want to fight but him not talking to me doesn't work because it just ends with him tearing me down any time I try to say anything to him. I'm just about over it at this point. All I want is peace and he doesn't get that what he's doing is creating the exact opposite. How can I make him understand?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    So you are planning to marry this person when you have such a big communication issue? Marriage won't solve that.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    What are some examples of these grievances?

  4. #4
    Well, a good example is, he told me tonight how he thought I should have been doing more around the house 3 years ago when I was working part time(working full-time now as well as college) and he was working fulltime mainly because I still wanted him helping out if he was the one making messes. I just don't feel someone should be holding on to things from years ago and then bringing it up and turning it into a huge blowout when I ask him to simply shake out a rug.

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  6. #5
    well obviously... why do you think I'm on here asking for advice.

  7. #6
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    Sometimes people who pick fights over issues from the past are doing so because they don't actually want to be together anymore and are subconsciously looking for a way out.

    There is more than meets the eye to these arguments.

  8. #7
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    Consider signing up for "premarital couples counseling", with a focus on learning conflict management skills, or "fighting fair". One of the rules for fighting fair is you only focus on present issues- you are not allowed to bring things up from the past. Having a skilled counselor guide the two of you through learning healthy skills is a gift to your relationship, and to each of you as well. Because often those skills are helpful in work conflicts, and later helpful if you have children.

  9. #8
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    Here is a link to the Gottman Institute, a very well respected relationship counseling center. John Gottman 's books are pretty solid.

    [Register to see the link]

    Here is another link to the fighting fair rules:
    [Register to see the link]

  10. #9
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    I strongly advise you both go to couples counselling to sort out these issues before getting married. The worst thing you can do right now is go ahead with wedding/marriage plans. It WILL end in disaster (divorce). That said, I have a feeling he won't change his ways, even if he does attend couple's counselling. It may be a temporary fix, but this is who he is - it's part of his make-up (imo).
    Cancel all wedding plans for now. If he refuses to attend couples counselling, you have your answer.

    You are right to be worried and concerned. If you feel "over it" at this point, I say trust your gut feeling. The red warning flags are there for a reason. Take heed.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You've been living together for 3 years? It the wedding already planned? Have you already attended premarital counseling? Unfortunately he doesn't want peace or he would try to resolve things rather than perpetuate the cycle of arguing. As you know this isn't about rugs or housework. It's about resentment.
    Originally Posted by PeaceLoves
    him tearing me down any time I try to say anything to him.

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