Boyfriend confusing why is he doing this?

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting here.

I'd really like some advice because I don't understand why my boyfriend is behaving like this. I don't know if he is silently blowing me off instead of telling me he wants to break up, or he is just really stressed and needs space.

We are in a long-distance relationship. He is on his working visa (he comes from another country) and moved initially from my city to another to find a farm job elsewhere (there were none at the time in my city). We had an incredible time together before he moved and especially on the day we spent together before he caught his flight. He called me right when he landed.

After a month of him moving, I noticed he stopped saying he misses me and didn't call except for that one time after he landed. But he texted me everyday to say good morning and how was your day etc. I told him I feel confused that he doesn't act affectionate. He didn't feel comfortable talking about that and then he explained he actually is very stressed because he couldn't find a job and "I know I should but I can't care about you right now". I didn't know what how to take that - if it meant he isn't interested or if he genuinely was really unable to deal with his stress.

I've heard that men do that when stressed - they retreat to deal with their problems - so I continued the relationship and tried to be cheerful.

A month after this and no calls or affectionate texts, (but he does text everyday good morning and how was my day?) I again said that he isn't really treating me like his girlfriend. I said he doesn't call, doesn't talk affectionately, didn't tell me when he moved to another city, and that I deserve more than this. I don't know if I came across as criticising, I didn't try to, but I wanted to explain my standards and get some clarity. This time, he hasn't replied for days.

I really don't know if he has been showing me all this time he isn't interested anymore (being too scared to tell me upfront) and is bread crumbing, or is really scared of conflict and bad at dealing with his stress and I should be more understanding til he is ready to speak?

And I don't know why he's not replying, but he still watches all my Instagram videos (you can see who watches the videos you post up of your daily life). I don't understand??

Anyone help please? Much appreciated!

He's losing interest. Long-distance romances just run out of steam. You just can't keep that up without seeing the other person. And when you're dealing with people from another country, there are also cultural issues. You didn't say what countries you're both from, so I don't know if he was looking for a love visa to stay in your country, but what usually happens is people will get interested in another person where they are and the LDR just drops off. Just consider him a friend and move on with your life. I'm sure there's plenty of boys to date where you live.

How long have you known each other? How much time did you spend together in your city?

How long have you known each other? How much time did you spend together in your city?

We've known each other for 4 months and been in a relationship for 3 months.

We spent about 1.5 months together in my city. So when he first came, before he started work in my city, we saw each other all day for 3 days. Then he had to move about an hour away for a farm job and we saw each other every weekend. After 1.5 months he moved to other cities.

I just feel that if he is truly not interested in the relationship, shouldn't he say so?

You barely know each other.

I think that his actions are very clear. Many people are cowards and wait for their partner to break up. I suggest you move on from this guy. He has no job or citizenship, and is basically a stranger.

find a better candidate for a partner.

I'm curious what you do for work? How did you meet this guy?

He's taking the "easy" (ie. cowardly) way out of this relationship and hoping you get the hint.

I would consider this done if I were you. This isn't the behaviour of a man who wants to be with you.

I just feel that if he is truly not interested in the relationship, shouldn't he say so?

He may not have fully acknowledged/realised it previously. As in, for the time that you were together, his feelings were genuine. Now that he's moved, he's finding it hard to keep things going and he's been in denial about it, tried to keep up appearances and found his heart is no longer in it. Your honest appraisal is something he is unable to argue with and he probably feels that you both have a mutual understanding, so he doesn't want to cause more pain by driving that wound deeper

I doubt there is any malice or that your time together wasn't genuinely special to him while it lasted. But reality has set in now that distance has pulled you apart and he can't keep this fantasy of the relationship going because there's no guarantee of it becoming a proper relationship again.

I think the best thing you could do would be to cut contact until/unless he reaches out, and consider if there was any legitimate chance of you getting back together (same city) in the near future. If not, try to accept that this just hit him sooner than it did for you

This is actually what I have been wondering too. That he has lately maybe been trying to keep it going, trying to keep interest but it isn't working. Rather than him playing me. It might explain his constant check ins but with a lack of depth (good morning! How was today... What are you doing now.... etc). Maybe he is confused truly.

But I still feel it'd be much more respectful if he just tells me "I want to break up" or something. He is at the moment just not replying to me for days.

Thank you, your answer helped me a lot.

Then break up with him.

Him not replying to you is all you need to know, OP. Heck, he moved to another city and didn't bother filling you in.

Yes, it would be more respectful to tell you he wants to break up, but a look around on these threads will tell you that people don't always do the right thing.

This is already over.

This is actually what I have been wondering too. That he has lately maybe been trying to keep it going, trying to keep interest but it isn't working. Rather than him playing me. It might explain his constant check ins but with a lack of depth (good morning! How was today... What are you doing now.... etc). Maybe he is confused truly.

 

But I still feel it'd be much more respectful if he just tells me "I want to break up" or something. He is at the moment just not replying to me for days.

 

Thank you, your answer helped me a lot.

People hate breaking up, especially when they care about the other person. In a lot of ways it's easier to break up when you live nearby because the pressure of having an in-person routine necessitates a clear ending.

It's awful for you because it leaves you without closure, and I'm sure that you will struggle to pull the trigger yourself because he's not given you a clear indication either way.

But FWIW, this is exactly how my last relationship ended (also long distance). If you want to save yourself a lot of heartache, simply resolve not to contact him again and not to accept breadcrumbs of interaction (ignore unless he gets really specific in his communication attempts). You don't have to be the bad guy (neither of you wants to be the bad guy), but you give yourself the space to move on.

What also helped me was to start dating locally as a distraction, but I'd strongly advise you not to get into anything serious until you've healed

Yes that's absolutely true - I feel unsure whether to verbally break up with him or not right now... because "he's not given a clear indication either way". I don't know what to do. Part of me feels that if he hasn't got the respect to say anything I don't need to say anything but move on. But another part is unclear on his side of things and doesn't want to make any rash moves.

I'll take your advice in case he speaks to me again.

To be honest part of me is hoping in the future he'll want to make it work again, when all his job stress and travelling is over. But for sure, right now I'm focusing on myself. And to be honest, I'm also not sure how comfortable I feel about a guy flat out not replying to me in days/ it's sort of like he's ghosting me.

I feel a lot of confusion.

Sorry to hear this but he's not "confused" or "stressed", he's lost interest. It's ok to break up with him if this doesn't work for you. You can't change him and don't have to wait for him to come right out and pull the plug first. You need to be the one who finds the type of respectful relationship you want and think you deserve. It's not his job to do that for you.

He is at the moment just not replying to me for days.

You don't want a guy who reacts like this under stress, OP.

Life is full of ups and downs. Having a partner who won't communicate during rough times isn't the foundation of a solid union. I think he's done and doesn't have the stones to tell you.

Why does he still watch every one of my instagram stories if he's not into me?!

Because you have not had the courage to break up and tell him it's not working, so you can go no contact and delete and block him. That would help you tremendously, because you could start talking to and dating guys who are local and are truly interested in you, not just breadcrumbs, excuses and views...sorry that it's even a "relationship".

Why does he still watch every one of my instagram stories if he's not into me?!

Because you have not had the courage to break up and tell him it's not working, so you can go no contact and delete and block him. That would help you tremendously, because you could start talking to and dating guys who are local and are truly interested in you, not just breadcrumbs, excuses and views...sorry that it's even a "relationship".

But hasn't he broken up with me by his actions (e.g. ghosting me?)?

And even so why would he take any interest in me anymore. Is he perhaps using this as an advantage to breadcrumb me further?

He's treating you as if you barely exist. It's fine to block and delete him from all social media and messaging apps. This way you could start to move forward.

His silence is speaking loud and clear.

Either way, I'd stop allowing him to drag you down, followed by moving on to someone who deserves you.