Is this a smart idea? (flying to his city but for another reason)

Background: So 8 months ago I had a really horrible and messy breakup. He ended it out of the blue and to this day I still am hurt and scarred, I still love him and his family and friends. After the breakup, I did everything WRONG which included continually going back to him and his friends about my saddness and wanting him back - and our last communicaton ended in him saying that he wanted to have no part of my and did not want to see me or hear from me again, and blocking me on all social media.

With that being said, my best friend, I met her when I was dating him, has her high school grad party soon, she's an angel and said I could go to her with all my break up pain and shes helped me grow and heal soooo much. But shes also a common friend of my ex. They don't activley hang out, but they are in the same choir class and talk often.

She told me her grad party was soon and offered to send me an invitation (although we both know I am not at all welcomed back there) I said sure so I can still have a physical thing to keep for our friendship. But now (since I'm a person who is FULL of affection and loves surprises) I had the idea of flying up to them (it was long distance) and suprising her at her grad party. Of courseI would only go to see her and would leave the next day, and not ask to hang with my ex or his other friends.

Is this a smart idea? She's been the best to me and me surprising her would mean the world to her, but I do not at all want it to get out that I am in the same city as my ex. That place is hostile terriorty afte rthe image I gave myself after the breakup. Idk how he sees me rn but I almost for sure know he will not want anything to do with me.

I had the idea of apologizing to the other friends and asking them for their opinions if I came up under the radar. What are your opinions (since this is the type of question I'd usually ask her XD)

Thanks!

Do you know her in real life, OP? I ask because you say you need something "physical" to keep your relationship together, so I am wondering how much you've spent together in person.

Anyway, unless and until she invites you herself, I would not show up unannounced. It's not the courteous thing to do. And do not contact other people to apologize for your post-break-up behaviour (assuming you didn't do anything to them directly) There's no need and they likely have all moved on by now. Doing so will make things awkward.

If your friend and your ex don't actually hang out, I think you are agonizing over nothing. Your ex doesn't control the city and you probably wouldn't bump into him. Is she planning on inviting him to this party? You're making this out to be a bigger deal than it is, in my opinion. This issue isn't about your ex, in other words. As long as you don't attempt to contact him or his friends, I think it's fine to attend if your friend asks you to come.

Yeah that’s all it’s for. Her and I talk daily and sometimes about really personal stuff. I just wouldn’t go if it would too weird for me to be so near everyone. And no I do not want to go for the purpose of talking to him. She’s my best friend and that’s the only reason I’d go. If per say he did show up (he prob wouldn’t) id too prob just leave right then and catch the soonest flight home.

ONLY if he wanted to talk would I. But that’s not the reason

Well, if you're not welcomed back there, won't you have a bad time at the party? Do you really want to go through this embarrassment? Are you doing this just to see your ex? Maybe you should save yourself the trouble and just stay away from the party.

Yeah that’s all it’s for. Her and I talk daily and sometimes about really personal stuff. I just wouldn’t go if it would too weird for me to be so near everyone. And no I do not want to go for the purpose of talking to him. She’s my best friend and that’s the only reason I’d go. If per say he did show up (he prob wouldn’t) id too prob just leave right then and catch the soonest flight home.

ONLY if he wanted to talk would I. But that’s not the reason

I don't get why you're worried about this if these two don't actually hang out.

Your ex doesn't have any say over who comes to the city where he lives.

Your behavior post break up might have been annoying and embarrassing.....buuuut....welcome to the club. Doubt there is a single person out there who hasn't done that at one point or another in their life. Happens to literally everyone, so nobody can throw rocks at you for that.

I think you are making this out to be a bigger deal in your head than it is in reality. If you want to go to your bff's grad party, then behave like a normal person - let her know you are coming and go. Don't create drama, be there for her, not to put a spotlight onto yourself with some big surprise visit. If your ex is there, who cares? Be civil and mind your own business. Show people that you have actually grown up, matured, and know how to handle yourself, not to mention that you are over him. Nod "hello" to him and go talk to others and mingle as normal.

Nobody can ban you from a whole city just because you did something....well.....very human....

If she officially invited you then you attend but do not impose and "surprise" anyone. It's a very thinly veiled excuse to "accidentally" see your ex. Don't ruin her grad party for your self motives.

I had the idea of flying up to them and suprising her at her grad party.

If she officially invited you then you attend but do not impose and "surprise" anyone. It's a very thinly veiled excuse to "accidentally" see your ex. Don't ruin her grad party for your self motives.

Yeah, I was thinking the same.

'almost' for sure know he doesn't want anything to do with me ' = I still have hope.

I don't think you would have asked if there wasn't a tiny voice in your head saying, 'this isn't a good idea.' Not because you don't deserve to be there for your friend, not because anyone has a right to keep you out of a city but because deep down their are ulterior motives and if things go badly you will be set right back. This idea just isn't good for your healing.

If you are in high school, i would use your own graduation party as a motivation to leave them all behind and start fresh. Don't go to the party to run into your ex. If the friendship lasts after high school, go from there -- but i would distance yourself. They talk. She tells him stuff, i am sure

I mean, it's not like you're Beyonce. I'm actually intrigued to hear the step-by-step on how you think showing up unannounced would play out.

Since the whole point of breaking up is to move forward without the ex, I'd resent the hell out of any ex who showed up at one of my life events.

If your hope is that ex will someday reflect on you with fondness rather than view you as a stalker, I'd skip the idea.

It doesn't even sound like you were really invited so crashing her party to stalk your ex will definitely put you in the Fatal Attraction zone. Walk away with dignity and stop using friends as therapists or pawns to see your ex.

her grad party was soon and offered to send me an invitation