Overreacting or?..

So it's going to be a long one, something I've really wanted to take off my heart for a while.

The story is a bit of a mess, there are a lot of details that I consider important, but I'll try to make it as comprehensible as possible.

So I've met a girl in the gym. I'm 29, she's 27. I've noticed her on social media and it turned out we studied together, so I came up to her just to mention it. We started communicating often, she was almost always the initiator. Long story short i fell in love with her. I didn't hide my intentions. She initially said she wasn't ready so I said that it would be better to stop communicating in this case, but she continued reaching out to me and we ended up being together. It's important to note that right from the beginning I showed a great deal of care I her, drove her to doctors offices when she felt bad, listened to her, appreciated her, supported her and was always there for her. It is even more important to note that she's been cheated on by her ex at some point in the past and she was angry with men and for some reason specifically with some guys from the gym we went to. I didn't pay attention to this at the time. She also refused to kiss or hug me even outside of the gym, at first saying that she wasn't ready and then that she didn't want to mix the bad memories with the good ones or something like this. So I rolled with that, which I now understand was a huge mistake.

As time passed I started to notice that she was constantly frustrated with one guy from our gym, who was one of the guys I've mentioned before. You know the type, loud, obnoxious saggy bro-lifter who works out his tongue most of the time he's in the gym. He was sending her messages from time to time and I asked her what happened between him and her. She said "nothing" and I trusted her. Around 2 months in she was supposed to come to my place to spend time together after the workout, but she called me, was very agitated and said she doesn't understand how men can be so horrible. As I was always doing my best to make her happy (care, flowers, cooking, support, etc.), it was downright confusing so I demanded an answer. Turned out the guy I've mentioned before (who is not the ex who cheated on her), sweet talked her into having sex with him and turned out to be married with a kid. Considering that she said before that there was nothing between them, it was a shock for me, to say the least. I was extremely angry, but contained myself, asking her to let go of whatever happened because I want her to be happy. Another mistake on my side, I know. She said I was more important than the situation and promised to let go. It didn't go so well, as the next time we went to the gym, the guy was there and she tried to sort things out with him publicly, right in the middle of the gym, where everyone could see, including me. I'm an amateur powerlifter, so I'm always "in zone" during my workouts, I still could not understand how this was in any way acceptable, hiding our relationships from surrounding people and openly admitting she had something with him to everyone. I was pissed. She apologized, I got over it and everything seemed to be ok. However in time her condition and view on life started deteriorating, she was not happy with anything, saying that her job was the reason. I've been trying to support her through these times, but I eventually reached a breaking point. Myself I'm content with my life and generally have a very positive outlook on everything. I have a good job, able to pay the bills, a decent person overall. At least that's what I like to believe :) But her negativity, constant talks that she's better off alone etc. weighted heavily on me as it's important for me to understand that she is at least happy in her relationships. The combination of her actions and words made me realize that the f***d up relationships with the guy I've mentioned before were more important or fulfilling to her than something beautiful that I was trying to create between us, because she continued communicating with him after she learned about his real life. This led to me breaking down and criticizing her for what happened between her and him and not being able to see the good things that I wanted to give her. It happened a couple of times. I've been very harsh with my words. I apologized. I know that there is no justification for my words, but I also feel somewhat right in what I said. Currently we are together, live together, but she is stuck in the routine, which leads to us being stuck in the routine and she still is constantly tired and unhappy. This makes me feel like I and our relationships are stopping her from being happy. I broke down a couple of days ago and literally cried because I felt that I cannot save our relationships despite trying everything to make it work. It never happened to me before.

She said she wanted us to be together, but I don't believe that it is a good idea since there might be someone who would make her smile, which is something that I'm incapable of at the moment, despite my best efforts and loyalty.

Sorry for too much detail, but I need an unbiased view on the situation. I'm also not trying to blame anyone except for myself as my own actions led to the treatment I've received and am receiving now.

The only mistake you made is to pursue a woman who told you very blatantly that she is not interested in you that way.

Outside of that, she is living with you but sleeping with a married guy from the gym, or trying to? I mean time for you to grow a set and kick her out of your life with extreme prejudice.

Next time when a woman tells you that she is messed up, not interested, in a bad place in life - believe her and run far and fast from her. Only invest your care and energy into someone who is genuine and reciprocate the same to you.

Ok, so it might have been too confusing, sorry for this) . She had something with him some time before we met, she never slept with him during our time together. She however kept his number and communicated with him in some way until the number at the gym I've described above. She cut all communication afterwards and says it doesn't matter anymore. This is not the main issue though...the lack of reciprocation is. I'm happy just having her around, she's not happy at all.

P.S.: she never cheated on me. Yet. If she did she would be nothing to me, I gave zero tolerance policy towards cheaters. But she left some important information undisclosed even when I asked her, only to dump it on me in an unacceptable way some time later.

P.P.S.: she also tells me from time to time that she's happy to have me, and these kind of things, but they feel very forced as she has zero drive for everything, we never go out and all of it combined makes me hate myself for not being able to pick her up from this condition.

OK, so still, you are trying to force things with a woman who just isn't into you and never was from the get go. Might as well go dig a hole in the rock with your bare hands.

The thing with people is that if you persist hard enough, eventually they'll say "fine" and simply use you. That's pretty much what's happening here. Of course she isn't happy and probably not too proud of herself about it, then again, you are pretty much begging for it. Stop. Find your self esteem. Get rid of her for good. You just can't force someone to want you and trying is going to affect your self esteem, except that you are doing this to yourself.

You are just happy to have her around, aka you are just happy to have a warm body around who doesn't even like you that much. That's pretty sad. Raise your standards and expect more from life and you'll get it. Again, go find a woman who is actually into you and would be thrilled to be with you. Life is so much better that way.

Been contemplating this for a while. It is a good advice. There are so many factors though. She has some health issues, my personal assessment is hormonal disbalance. She is not happy with her job at all. She hates the city we live in. But it still is confusing, because I've been in terrible conditions in my life, but I never let external factors slow me down in my appreciation of a person near me. Could she just be different? Weaker? I'm worried that me leaving would crush her and I am a loyal person to those close to me.

Been contemplating this for a while. It is a good advice. There are so many factors though. She has some health issues, my personal assessment is hormonal disbalance. She is not happy with her job at all. She hates the city we live in. But it still is confusing, because I've been in terrible conditions in my life, but I never let external factors slow me down in my appreciation of a person near me. Could she just be different? Weaker? I'm worried that me leaving would crush her and I am a loyal person to those close to me.

What you seem to have is a case of White Knight Syndrome - I'm going to save this damsel in distress and in return she will love me. Problem is that real life doesn't actually work like that. She isn't a damsel in distress - she is a grown adult woman who lived just fine without you in her life and will manage to do so again just fine. You can't actually save or fix people. She can fix herself IF she wants to. For as long as she can use you, she quite frankly doesn't even need to. You are enabling her issues instead of helping them. Also, someone who is using you isn't going to turn around and suddenly love you and feel the gratitude that you are looking for, quite the opposite they don't respect you for being a doormat and deep down probably feel a lot of disdain toward you.

Thinking that you leaving her will crush her.....that's incredibly arrogant on your part. Hate to tell you this, but you just aren't that important.

Damn, the tough love :) you are right though, I am not this important and never considered myself to be. I meant her self esteem, she's been cheated on and used as the other girl in a row. Now I, after saying that I want her in my future, will give up my words...maybe it is arrogance, but rather me wanting my actions to be in line with my words. You are also right that I'm enabling her issues rather than helping them. But I really want this girl to be happy on her own. So you are thinking that me leaving would do us both good? I know it is true, just want an outside view.

I think you need to leave her permanently. She isn't a victim of anyone or anything. Yes, you told her that you'd like a future with her, BUT that means she needs to pull her weight and be a good partner to you as well. It's a two way street. You could say she is breaching her side of the deal, so you are free of yours. Besides, you can't guarantee someone a relationship and a future. It's not realistic. The whole point of dating is to get to know each other and see if that's really possible, if you are a good match. You have learned now that this isn't the case. It's not just her who is unhappy, you aren't happy either and you know this. Rather than continuing to make each other miserable, part ways.

Regarding the being cheated on, of course it's horrible to go through that. However, it's on her to heal and deal with that, it's on her to move forward from that, it's on her to get rid of that baggage so that she can be a good partner to someone else. You can't fix those things for her. You didn't cheat on her and you didn't cause her issues. If she chooses to stay a mess, hate men, punish the next guy for the sins of the previous one, sabotage her relationships, etc, etc, etc, nothing you can do about that but walk away. These are her choices and her issues to correct IF she wants to. Yes, maybe getting dumped by a nice caring man will be the wake up call that she needs to get her act together, then again, she might just stay exactly as she is. It's a choice for her.

That was helpful. Thank you. I want to give her a chance, and will try to, but I think the decision had been made.

Why in the hell are you still with her? She might have a fine ass and all, but why subject yourself to such disrespect? You'll have to figure out what within yourself lead you to be involved with such a person in the first place... Save some dignity and drop her asap.

Ok, so the advice was helpful and it actually led me to trying to make things working between us, but without putting too much pressure on myself.

There are still two things I need advice for, though:

1. So the girl fell for a married guy. I don't really care that she had sex with him, even though he's the kind of person I wouldn't sit at one table with. I'm more concerned about the fact that she might've had sex with him AFTER learning about his real life. There is no way to find out but ask, but when I tried doing so before she blamed me saying that i was ruining what was going on between us. This is kind of a big deal for me but I also feel like I'm making too much of a deal out of it. What do you think? To let go , stop overthinking and just roll with things the way they are, or nurture my pride, push for an answer that I may not like and that may lead to me despising and consequently breaking up with her?

2. This one is more serious. She is almost always tired. She works a lot and is constantly moody/tired. She can go from happy-go-lucky and positive to exhausted, aggressive and distant in a second. I do work a lot too, but my job is less tedious and boring than hers. I also tend not to take it as seriously as she does, as I consider work to be an external factor and external factors don't bother me at all. So in the end she is rarely happy, avoids talking about future, her dream is to have her own space. Like an Appartement where she can have all her things. We currently live in a flat I rent and she has full freedom to decorate and change it the way she likes. I don't really care about this as I'm more of "home is where the heart is" guy, so her priorities confuse me, but I understand them in a way. So in the end, what should I do about her condition? How can I help her become her better self? I try to be as supporting as possible and the only time I f***d up (kind of) was when I blamed her for messing with the guy I've mentioned above. I feel like leaving would shake her up, as DancingFool pointed out, but she also seems genuinely tired from everything and I'm a very minor factor in her life because of this. So what should be my stance?

Sorry if I'm boring someone, but as I mentioned, I just need some place to take it off my heart and listen to unbiased opinions. Thank you.

I still don't understand why she's currently residing at your place instead of the curb? Why are you trying to fix her? She's an individual, a person, not a project.

To summarize: leave.

To answer your 1st concern - morals and values matter in a partner. It's a fair question to ask and it's also fair to judge a potential partner over their choices. Yes, you are actually entitled to an answer, not a brush off. Given that she refused to answer...I'd say you already have your answer and it's not what you want to hear. When a partner doesn't meet your core morals and values - you part ways.

2nd....for the love of...STOP trying to fix her. She isn't broken. Does it even occur to you that maybe she got cheated on because this is who she is? Not justifying cheating, her ex should have simply dumped her instead of cheating, but....she is NOT a damsel in distress.

You really need to find your self respect and understand that trying to take in and fix someone is NOT going land you in a healthy happy relationship. It will land you in a toxic mess. Get out of this. Seriously.

You say that you heard the advice, but you are going directly against it....so no...you didn't take in the advice given at all.