Moving In

As an initial disclosure, my boyfriend and I have zero intention of living together anytime in the foreseeable future. This just came up in conversation while we were out with friends and I'm curious about other people's opinions.

I've lived on my own since I was 16. My boyfriend has lived with his mother absent 3 years when he was a full time undergraduate student. I told him I would never move in with someone who hasn't lived on their own for at least a year and he thinks that's an insane opinion. Just wondering if other people agree with my opinion or think it's insane, ha.

Sorry, but I totally agree with you. I wouldn't move in with a guy who hasn't stood on his own two feet. I'd be way too wary that he is a manchild looking for someone to mommy him.

You totally have the right idea. It's your man who is crazy for thinking it's weird. Most people have the same opinion as you- it's perfectly normal to not want to live with someone who hasn't lived on their own

You totally have the right idea. It's your man who is crazy for thinking it's weird. Most people have the same opinion as you- it's perfectly normal to not want to live with someone who hasn't lived on their own

How could you possibly have the knowledge of what most people think?

Anyways, this person thinks it's a ridiculous idea and a potentially needless barrier to finding a match. OMG are people that proud that they lived by themselves, and see it as some master test?? To each his own.

Not wanting to have his mother in front of you everyday is understandable but aside from that what's so difficult living by yourself? It's not an achievement lol

Not wanting to have his mother in front of you everyday is understandable but aside from that what's so difficult living by yourself? It's not an achievement lol

Apparently living on your own since you were 16 is an achievement, lol

Apparently living on your own since you were 16 is an achievement, lol

Yeah, not really seeing what the judgement is based on. I moved in with a boyfriend after living alone for 4 months. He had been on his own I want to say 3 or 4 years and I was better with finances than he was. So I wouldn't say length is really any indication, you know him and you know whether or not he's mature. Speaking of maturity. Why is this such a big deal if you two have no intention of moving in together any time soon anyway? Pointless argument, drama for dramas sake. To each his own, it's just, if you're going to play the maturity card you're not gaining any points posting this particular question in my humble opinion.

Is it really to the point now that people are being ridiculed for being independent and for wanting a partner who is at well?

I don't think your opinion is ridiculous at all,OP.

Is it really to the point now that people are being ridiculed for being independent and for wanting a partner who is at well?

 

I don't think your opinion is ridiculous at all,OP.

I wouldn't say it's ridiculous, just shows a lack of maturity. It's a moot point, it's a conversation that will never come to fruition because by the time they are actually ready to live together he will have passed her arbitrary 'one year' rule.

My husband hadn't truly lived on his own before we got married (save for one year in the college dorm) and neither had I (again, save for two years in the college housing). We did fine with the paying bills/cleaning/being responsible thing. On the other hand some guys I work with share an apartment and they got their internet shut off because the one roommate who arranged to set it up thought you only had to pay at the time of set up. He had no idea you had to pay a monthly fee.

Another ex of mine has lived on his own since he was 20 and he had no idea how to mail a letter, make a doctor appointment, pick up a prescription or pay a utility bill. His dad paid all his bills so he'd never had to.

OP, is your boyfriend clueless on how to pay bills and live on his own? Because you can pick up those skills without actually having your own place. And you can live on your own and still be clueless.

I wouldn't say it's ridiculous, just shows a lack of maturity. It's a moot point, it's a conversation that will never come to fruition because by the time they are actually ready to live together he will have passed her arbitrary 'one year' rule.

I understood it a different way. I took what she said to mean not a year from now, but that before moving in with someone she'd want them to have lived on their own for at least a year first.

Basically she does not want to move in with someone who is moving from the parents house to a living together as a couple situation.

I may be wrong . OP might clarify that .

OP's opinion is definitely not ridiculous. Still, and I may get flack for this, I don't think a person "has" to live on their own to prove that they can.

As someone else said, it's more of an issue of how responsible they are (do they pay their cell phone bills on time, as well as credit card bills etc etc).

There are many cultures in which children only move out when they get married. I come from one of those cultures. So I think it's more of a case by case basis (as far as how responsible someone is) than an arbitrary "he has to live on his own for 365 days."

Regardless, I hope you two come to an agreement about this.

Sorry, but I totally agree with you. I wouldn't move in with a guy who hasn't stood on his own two feet. I'd be way too wary that he is a manchild looking for someone to mommy him.

Exactly what I was thinking and would do if in that situation. I'd want to be sure the person was capable of living on their own sans mom and dad.

I understood it a different way. I took what she said to mean not a year from now, but that before moving in with someone she'd want them to have lived on their own for at least a year first.

Basically she does not want to move in with someone who is moving from the parents house to a living together as a couple situation.

 

I may be wrong . OP might clarify that .

Ah, I see, I don't know why but I read 'absent' mother and assumed that meant 'without' I thought she was insinuating he was on his own but not long enough. Looks like I may be off after rereading.

Re the bold, it still seems like putting the cart before the horse, drama for dramas sake. And by that I mean I'm assuming they're young as the poster states they are no where near ready to move in together, so she is placing rules on her boyfriends future self. For no other reason except she expects him to meet her newly discussed standards. That's not a balanced relationship to me, that's her stating her rules well into the relationship and expecting him to fall inline.

OPer, I'm sorry to assume and speak about you in third person and please correct me if I'm wrong, in my eyes you're an independent woman who wants to date an independent man and build a future and that's a building block you expect a man to have, but you didn't require it before establishing your relationship. why is it just now an issue? He's always lived with his parents or just recently moved out right?

A relationship isn't bringing up expectations and boundaries 3 and 4 years into it. If this is a hard boundary, it should have been brought up long ago.

Again, this screams an issue about maturity, not living expectations .

I hope OPer comes back and clarifys. It may help me to read previous posts.

EDIT TO ADD: yeah see it does me well to read past posts so this relationship is 4 or 5. Months long. Changes a lot of what I said, but the basics still remain, if it's a hard line boundary, being it up early and if you both don't mesh, which it doesn't look like you do it's time to end things. Not really something to argue about because you each have individual life views.

My husband hadn't truly lived on his own before we got married (save for one year in the college dorm) and neither had I (again, save for two years in the college housing). We did fine with the paying bills/cleaning/being responsible thing. On the other hand some guys I work with share an apartment and they got their internet shut off because the one roommate who arranged to set it up thought you only had to pay at the time of set up. He had no idea you had to pay a monthly fee.

 

Another ex of mine has lived on his own since he was 20 and he had no idea how to mail a letter, make a doctor appointment, pick up a prescription or pay a utility bill. His dad paid all his bills so he'd never had to.

 

OP, is your boyfriend clueless on how to pay bills and live on his own? Because you can pick up those skills without actually having your own place. And you can live on your own and still be clueless.

See for me, I saw a lot of instances of women who moved straight from the parental home to a boyfriend/husbands home and the difficulties so many of them had in being alone and on their own. I watched people struggle around me with a fear of being alone so strong they rather stay in abusive relationships than be without someone. I saw people lose their partners to divorce or death too, and never having to do things solo, really crumble and or latch on to anyone.

The community I grew up in, and my own family, the tendency was to move straight from home to with a partner.

I saw it as a proveledge really to have the chance to not do that. Freedom- to depend on yourself, to know without a doubt you can walk away whenever you want to and not be bound with fear and dependency of how you will make it.

I don't think everyone who moves in straight from parents is doomed, but I think you get a better chance to see someone for who they are when they are already standing independently. It's not a 'master test' , just a basic one, of how a person copes and lives when they have to do things on their own.

The generations still at home now are different though too. For example, my mother and even my classmates, it was a lot more difficult to own property on your own and to find equal work opportunities. Now these are all available, it's much more a matter of choice rather than anything to never strike out solo. And it's no longer just young people , its people who never left the nest in their mid twenties and thirties.

I get where she’s coming from, I wonder if she means living alone and being responsible versus just living alone. I appreciate someone who can successfully maintain a home, pay their bills and take care of themselves without anyone’s help, and wouldn’t move in with anyone that didn’t know how to do those things.

I don't think you're insane OP.

Living on your own is an achievement, even if some skills are easy to pick up.

Another very important matter is the intention of the other person to move in. Does he want to move out of his parents house? Is he ready? Living on your own combats that too. Some say, yeah it's easy living on your own, but they are way too comfortable with their parents to move out, thinking that when they will have too, it will come easy to them and all of a sudden they realise that the bathroom needs cleaning for it to be clean, the clothes do not magically appear in their closet and it will be a unnecessary expense to change all the outlets of a rental because they don't look pretty.

So yes, you aren't crazy, but intentions matter too. I too prefer men who have lived on their own, but if their intentions are good , they're not a mama's boy, and they show a good character when it comes to subjects like these, I would give it a shot.

Apparently living on your own since you were 16 is an achievement, lol

I started when I was 17, working full time plus high school full time isn’t the easiest thing in the world.

I don't think this is an unreasonable topic to post on a dating site, whether or not this is something the OP is making a "thing" in her relationship. We're all out there in the land of dating and there are expectations, experiences, hurdles, and I think it's an interesting topic of discussion. I guess I never put a lot of thought into it as being a rule, but at my age, it's very rare to come across someone who has not lived independently. I did experience a man who had never been alone-alone, and after his divorce, it was a very difficult thing for him. Add to this, he had no idea how to run a washing machine, let alone cook simple meals. He was responsible but did go off the rails a little bit. If this is a personal litmus test to responsibility and coping skills, I can't argue with that, particularly if the OP has encountered many people who simply cannot function by themselves, particularly around dating and partners. Most people don't draw a hard line for no reason, whether it be religious, kids or no kids, or other lifestyle choices. To each his own, and some things will have a greater importance than others.

Nobody judged OP about her preferences. That's totally fine! But honestly, what is so difficult with doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning the house and paying the bills? They are just simple chores that have to be done and yes they take time but it's not rocket science. My father worked 80 hours per week and my mother full time, I did these chores since I remember my self. Ok, I don't cook elaborate meals but I don't eat elaborate meals anyway.

If somebody is so lazy and expects his girlfriend to babysit him like his mother-I know plenty of cases- then, yes it's a problem.

I understood it a different way. I took what she said to mean not a year from now, but that before moving in with someone she'd want them to have lived on their own for at least a year first.

Basically she does not want to move in with someone who is moving from the parents house to a living together as a couple situation.

 

I may be wrong . OP might clarify that .

Yes, this is exactly what I meant. It's less about finances, as it's very easy to see how one handles their finances even without rent or a mortgage to pay. We both have higher degrees, so for him, he's been back at home to pay down his student debt faster.

And to the other post saying "drama for dramas sake", people can have discussions of expectations and opinions without drama.

And no, I don't think it's an "achievement" that I've lived on my own for so long, I just think while living completely on my own with no one to pick up my slack has helped me understand myself better and I think it's an important phase to go through in life.

Thanks for the opinions everyone.

Ah, I see, I don't know why but I read 'absent' mother and assumed that meant 'without' I thought she was insinuating he was on his own but not long enough. Looks like I may be off after rereading.

 

Re the bold, it still seems like putting the cart before the horse, drama for dramas sake. And by that I mean I'm assuming they're young as the poster states they are no where near ready to move in together, so she is placing rules on her boyfriends future self. For no other reason except she expects him to meet her newly discussed standards. That's not a balanced relationship to me, that's her stating her rules well into the relationship and expecting him to fall inline.

 

OPer, I'm sorry to assume and speak about you in third person and please correct me if I'm wrong, in my eyes you're an independent woman who wants to date an independent man and build a future and that's a building block you expect a man to have, but you didn't require it before establishing your relationship. why is it just now an issue? He's always lived with his parents or just recently moved out right?

 

A relationship isn't bringing up expectations and boundaries 3 and 4 years into it. If this is a hard boundary, it should have been brought up long ago.

 

Again, this screams an issue about maturity, not living expectations .

 

I hope OPer comes back and clarifys. It may help me to read previous posts.

 

EDIT TO ADD: yeah see it does me well to read past posts so this relationship is 4 or 5. Months long. Changes a lot of what I said, but the basics still remain, if it's a hard line boundary, being it up early and if you both don't mesh, which it doesn't look like you do it's time to end things. Not really something to argue about because you each have individual life views.

Not sure it's a compatibility issue yet. Like I said in the above post, we both have higher degrees and student debt. He has chosen to live with his mother to pay down his debt faster. To be fair, if my parents were geographically convenient, I'd likely consider the same, based purely on reducing debt at a faster rate. From what I know this far about him, he contributes equally to household chores, does his own laundry, cooks his own meals, etc. Even when he's at my place, he makes sure to wash the dishes if I cook, or if I leave before him in the morning, he's sure to make my bed, etc. Honestly, this boundary I've created in my mind is mostly based upon the personal growth I made while living alone, and feeling it's important for others to do the same.

Not sure it's a compatibility issue yet. Like I said in the above post, we both have higher degrees and student debt. He has chosen to live with his mother to pay down his debt faster. To be fair, if my parents were geographically convenient, I'd likely consider the same, based purely on reducing debt at a faster rate. From what I know this far about him, he contributes equally to household chores, does his own laundry, cooks his own meals, etc. Even when he's at my place, he makes sure to wash the dishes if I cook, or if I leave before him in the morning, he's sure to make my bed, etc. Honestly, this boundary I've created in my mind is mostly based upon the personal growth I made while living alone, and feeling it's important for others to do the same.

I agree with your view. Why? Because it's also my view and I implemented it, except my bf was already living on his own (kind of, through real estate from his dad rented at a discounted rate) while I was still with my parents. I graduated from college and saved up a sum of money for about a year after college, then I moved out on my own. Not with my boyfriend.

My boyfriend wanted to move in together, but I wanted to guarantee I would be responsible and have proof to myself I could be completely independent in any situation, if need be. Life throws lessons at you constantly and I believe in being prepared. Some call it insecurity, although I call it security. I don't do it for some darn high horse "title" or "achievement". Too many times have I encountered friends/family or stories of people losing jobs, getting into a financial crisis, or in trouble with the law that compromises their living situation.

I want to at least learn the basics before anyone even remotely depends on me (aka a SO), so I can hold my weight during tough times. A year is a good indicator of your performance because it is usually the length of a standard lease term. I don't want to affect my partner with an inadequacy like "learning how to live on your own on the fly". I want "I know how to do it, when to do it, or if that happens then do this". My partner and my family also had a hard time understanding. Nevertheless, I am glad I listened to myself because, while I did well, I was not perfect. Thank goodness it was only I who was affected by my own learning curve (mistakes). It's a burden off my shoulders now.

Everyone has their own learning curve, either needing more or less time. Like I said, a year is usually a good indicator.

Please define "on one's own."

What about having roommates, does that count as "on one's own" or do you prefer men to have lived "alone" for a year?

Personally, I don't care. What I care more about is our "connection" how well we get on together and if we're both on same page re future, etc. And of course how responsible he is, generally.

I've dated men who still live at home (for financial reasons, saving for a house for example) but are nevertheless responsible, fully functioning and independent from their parents, other than sharing a house.

They pay "rent" not as much as they would for their own apt, but they contribute, buy food, cook, clean, do their own laundry, pay their own bills (cell, credit cards, school loans etc).

On the other hand I have dated men who live "on their own" who are irresponsible, their lives (financial and otherwise) are in complete disarray.

Best to judge each man and his situation separate from the other, as every man and every situation is different, my opinion .

How long have you been dating?

My boyfriend has lived with his mother absent 3 years when he was a full time undergraduate student. I told him I would never move in with someone who hasn't lived on their own for at least a year and he thinks that's an insane opinion.