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deedee911

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Would you dump a person that when you fell in love with that person they were vaping. And a few months later they started smoking but never hid it and told the partner. He was very much against it and said it several times. I was working on quitting and was very serious about it but he wasn't supportive at all. He started distancing himself and creating all sorts of grief.

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Honestly, if I went on a date with someone and they were a vaper I probably would not go for a follow up date. If they said they were in the process of quitting, but then months later still had not, then took up ciggies, I would likely start moving towards dumping them.

 

What do you mean by being supportive? Is he say he doesn't care if you smoke, is he waving ciggfies around in front of you or is he just not getting behind your efforts and pushing you to quit?

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Yes, I would. It's a deal-breaking habit for me, and I have no desire to continue dating someone on the presumption they'll change their habits in accordance to my tolerances. There are plenty of guys out there who'd happily accept a smoker and the possibility they will or won't ever permanently drop the habit, and I'd wish her the best in finding that man. And even if I were up for making an exception for the sake of optimism, if someone were to relapse back to smoking from vaping, that'd especially reinforce my decision to remove my stake.

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I'm an ex smoker, and ya I get it, it's tough BUT I quit for a reason. I'm with key man if my date was vaping, there would be no second date, in fact I would ask about this habit even before deciding to go on a date. It's a dealbreaker.

 

I don't think it's fair to be treated like a piece of crap, but on the other hand you are pushing it asking for support when falling back on your promise to make a real effort to quit. You lost any integrity with your BF....he doesn't trust you and is bitter. You both should drop each other.

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Yep, deal breaker for me too I'm afraid. I'm an ex-heavy smoker (a long time ago) and for a while I was very tolerant of being around people who smoke. It's just that I got completely p****d off with my home, hair and clothes smelling of someone else's smoke - not to mention the burn marks that smokers leave all over the place!

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Vaping because you are working on quitting but going BACK to smoking? Nope. That would be a dealbreaker. Going back to cigarettes is the opposite of "trying".
I gotta say, that's much more where I'm coming from here. I don't necessarily think I'd mind vaping so long as they didn't coexist with it like some seem to. Not the healthiest, but takes the combustion out of the equation and doesn't stink anything up. Ultimately, I'd prefer it be weened off from and at least have it so vaping would be the relapse rather than full-on cigarettes.

 

But, I mean... vaping is pretty much as close to not quitting as quitting gets (bearing in mind that quitting certainly is never "easy"). Someone relapses there and, I'm sorry, that's someone who simply doesn't want to quit right now. And that's fair enough. It's your body and your vice, and you may well get to that point on your own time, but I'd hope you could see why someone could and evidently would make a very reason-based decision to call it if smoking is a deal-breaker for them.

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I wouldn't have gone on the first date so yes I would end it.

 

I don't want to change anyone and I don't want them to change because of me. If they want to make changes in their life for themselves I would be supportive of course but they would need to be an ex smoker for some time before I would consider dating them.

 

Bottom line is he was clear up front that he didn't like it and it sounds like he assumed you would be quitting but you went back to cigarettes and it is a deal breaker for him. If you want to smoke go ahead and one day soon you will meet a guy you like that either smokes himself or doesn't care that you do.

 

Lost

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It would be a deal breaker for me too. I've quit for six years now and that's the last thing I would need is to be subjected to that in a second hand way. Not to mention that cigs cost $15.00 a pack here now so I'd be wondering about your financial health as well as your physical health. $15.00 a day times 365 days = $5,475 a year. O.O

 

Op: If you want to quit then see your doctor and see if he/she will prescribe Zyban to help you to quit. I tried three times before mine gave me that and I quit relatively easily compared to my other attempts (which were hell to go through) and I did it without going through even half of the prescribed amount. The only side affect I had was some vivid psychedelic dreams.

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Vaping = using e-cigs = no tobacco, no combustion, *no smoke*, little health risk (although it does produce a small amount of nicotine).

 

No, I would not dump someone for this, smoking real cigs, possibly depending on how offen, but e-cigs no.

 

E-cigs are what folks use when trying to *quit* a bad smoking habit, which is admirable considering how difficult it is to kick that addiction.

 

Or they use occasionally for recreational purposes.

 

You guys who would dump for that are harsh! :p

 

ETA: deedee, why did you entitle your thread "smoking"?

 

Using e-cigs is "not" smoking, there is no smoke!

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I was vaping then slipped and started smoking. He dumped me. He was right. He was turned off and couldn't trust me.

 

Is he someone you have been in a RL with for awhile?

 

Or a guy you just started dating?

 

If it's the former, still harsh to dump someone you've invested feelings in cause they slipped up when trying to kick a bad habit.

 

I wonder if it was something else, and he's using the smoking as a ruse.

 

It's not like you developed a heroin or meth addiction, it's smoking cigs and you're trying to quit!

 

If you just started dating and no feelings invested yet? Understandable.

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Katrina - it was my ex. He was very open about vaping and he was fine with it. Then I slipped up and had one cigarette and told him right away and he was even out of town when it happened. Then from that one i fell down and started again. I was going through a lot of stress and trying to quit at that same time because I felt pressure because I thought he was going to leave me. He ended up taking off every weekend to get away from me because I was so stressed out. So I went on a downward spiral.

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Is he someone you have been in a RL with for awhile?

 

Or a guy you just started dating?

 

If it's the former, still harsh to dump someone you've invested feelings in cause they slipped up when trying to kick a bad habit.

 

I wonder if it was something else, and he's using the smoking as a ruse.

 

It's not like you developed a heroin or meth addiction, it's smoking cigs and you're trying to quit!

 

If you just started dating and no feelings invested yet? Understandable.

You're kidding, right? She relapsed from the nicotine and from the actual emulation of smoking, together. You expect someone to have faith she'll kick the habit if all she had to do was cut out the combustion / cancer bit? I mean they've got vape juices that are something like 5% nicotine by volume. Someone relapses even from vape, I'm sorry... but you'd be an idiot to operate on the assumption that person will ever kick the habit. That's not a slip up. That's stuck. The lady loves her tobacco, end of.

 

There's nothing "harsh" about taking an incredibly reason-based approach when considering long-term compatibility, whether or not feelings have been invested.

 

As far as the OP goes, I really do wish her the best if she does have a genuine desire to quit. Again, I make no moral judgment calls. I've known smokers with exponentially better character than most non-smokers in my life. But my suggestion would be that, if she wants to pursue men for whom smoking cigarettes is a deal breaker, that she convincingly kick the habit for herself first, nicotine included. Personally, I think vaping can serve as a brilliant buffer for those who have quit and find themselves at some point or another relapsing for their nicotine fix, but if that buffer were lost, there's simply no way or reason I'd hold faith in a partner dropping a smoking habit. And no one for whom it is genuinely a deal breaker should. You don't stay with partners banking on them changing for you two to be compatible, especially when it comes to a physical and psychological addiction. It's unfair to all parties involved.

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I never lied to him. But he felted duped. And he saw how hard I was trying to quit but it didn't matter to him.

 

He told me the next man I date I should tell him I'm a smoker and have depression and anxiety.

 

I don't know your history, but it sounds like there was a bit more to him leaving than you starting to smoke again.

 

How are you managing your anxiety and depression and how did "those" things impact your relationship?

 

Are you in therapy, taking meds?

 

You said that even before you started smoking again, you were afraid he would leave you, why did you think that?

 

Again don't know your history, but from the little you've shared on this thread, he doesn't sound like much of a prize himself. Quite the contrary in fact.

 

It's good to introspect though, think about how you may have contributed to the breakdown, that's how we learn and grow.

 

I always do that when relationships end, but be careful not to take all the blame, it takes two to make a RL and two to break it.

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I am on medication now, which helps me do the things i need to do to get better like excersing, eatimg healthy etc. therapy.

 

it impacted our relationship because i felt insecure a lot. i would fixate on things...

 

despite me being terrified to trust him becauee of my past relationships and my anxiety i did in the end then he left me because i think he didnt want to deal with me. eventhough he told me he loved me.

 

i thought he was going to leave me when he got to know who i really am. my fears anxieties etc... the ironic thing is my fear did come true. he was head over heels for me. once he got to know me better he ran away

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@j.man, no I wasn't kidding.

 

I have my opinion and sticking to it! :p

 

If I've been involved with a man for awhile, feelings have been invested on both sides, I will support him as he attempts to kick this habit and if he slips up once or twice, I sure as hell am not gonna bail, not if everything else is going well.

 

Since my last post, I have read deedee's history with this guy, he is NO prize and I think this situation goes deeper than her smoking or vaping

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I am on medication now, which helps me do the things i need to do to get better like excersing, eatimg healthy etc. therapy.

 

it impacted our relationship because i felt insecure a lot. i would fixate on things...

 

despite me being terrified to trust him becauee of my past relationships and my anxiety i did in the end then he left me because i think he didnt want to deal with me. eventhough he told me he loved me.

 

i thought he was going to leave me when he got to know who i really am. my fears anxieties etc... the ironic thing is my fear did come true. he was head over heels for me. once he got to know me better he ran away

 

Thanks for clarifying, and as suspected, this goes deeper than your starting to smoke again.

 

I'm sorry, and hope you continue getting help for your depression and anxiety, otherwise same thing will happen in your future relationships.

 

Best of luck!

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When a relationship end we all look for a reason to cling to or to help us understand the WHY of it all. Acceptance is hard during these times but it will come as you heal and see things clearly.

 

If he was a person that does not date a person that smokes (and you didn't at the time) and then you start smoking for what ever reason is would be reasonable for him to end the relationship. It would be no different if someone had a dealbreaker on something else like porn or drug use.

 

You have the right to use nicotine if you choose and he has the right to end the relationship because of it. You certainly wouldn't want him to stay and dread kissing you or smelling smoke on your clothes all the time and resent you all the time would you?

 

I agree there are many other things going on here other than your addiction to nicotine. It sounds like you need someone to talk to about your anxiety and insecurities, perhaps a thread on those would be helpful. There are many on here that do and have dealt with those very things and I am sure they would love to help you.

 

You are not broken and unlovable, you just have some things to work through before you get in another relationship is all.

 

We all wish you the best and please keep posting

 

Lost

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