In so much pain

I am a 25 year old male and 2 days ago I broke up with my 21 year old girlfriend of 2 and a half years.

Things had not been going so well in recent times, she has a lot of self confidence issues/anxiety and so relies on me a great deal. For the first year and a half we saw each other all the time, she would react very aggressively if i didn't see her 24/7. She can be hard work sometimes, she has no friends or hobbies, where as i do, and she wanted more of my time than i was willing to give her, but i love her so much, she is my best friend. Lately i can see she has tried so hard to give me space, almost as if she knew she was slowly driving me away, I also have my own plethora of anxiety and other issues, and she has supported me with 100% commitment. We don't live together, and lately i'd been making up excuses as to why i couldn't see her. I had been distant for a while, didn't want to go out with her, didn't want her to stay at my house or visa versa. I wanted to go out with my friends, or do something on my own, i get very overwhelmed if i'm around people constantly, i need time alone to recharge. She doesn't drive which means the only way we could see each other is if i drove, after 2 and a half years this became quite frustrating. She is the most loving, caring person in the world, and i'm 100% sure she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. We were planning on moving in together, but i wasn't sure if this was 100% what i wanted, even though we've been saving, she is still very immature and i wasn't sure if it would work out if we saw each other constantly. She wants to get married and have children, where as i cannot say with 100% commitment i want those things. I decided to call it off after a few days of bickering and arguing over silly things, she begged and sobbed her heart out, then after she calmed down she kind of admitted we both want different things.

I am now absolutely beside myself with grief. I am not eating or sleeping properly. I don't want it to be real, all i can think about is the times and memories we've shared, i just want her here with me. I have no idea what to do, i feel like i have lost a part of my soul or something, i have had to book time off work because of it. I deleted all of the photo's i'd collected over the 2.5 years which broke my heart, i cried my eyes out to all the hand made cards she's ever given me, my family is also devastated because she was a big part of their lives as well. I want my best friend back, but not the bickering and arguing. If we got back together, i'm afraid that the same things would just reoccur. I'm not 100% sure that the life she wants is the life i want, i'm also terrified that if one day i do decide for that life, i'll have lost the best person I've ever met to do it all with. At the time i wanted the space and the freedom, now i want nothing more than to be with her. We are still talking a little, mainly just letting each other know how devastated we are. I apologise for my grammar/spelling if it's not great, i just don't know what to do anymore.

This story really broke my heart man, I'm very sorry to read this. On the one hand, i feel for you.

But on the other hand, i REALLY feel for your ex gf. Man. Mainly because I am on the receiving end of a dumping for a woman whom I very much was dedicated to, who found me to be needy and smothering the way you described your girlfriend, needing validation, wanting to see you more than you wanted etc.

It is always such a grass is greener mentality for people like you - instead of honest open communication with a partner in whom things could work out, you bail.

I think honestly you should let her go to find a dude who will appreciate her efforts. You will just end up pushing her away again if you get back together and she doesn't deserve that. She deserves reciprocal love and i am sure is an absolute wreck. If you care for her, let her go.

I wanted to go out with my friends, or do something on my own, i get very overwhelmed if i'm around people constantly, i need time alone to recharge.

- Of course you do. YOu need to and you should be able to.

Re: being with someone like this.. forever? The rest of your days? Sadly.. No.

Someone like this is emotionally draining. I guess you came to see this after over 2 yrs with her.

Can you honestly see another 20? ... ... ... No. It would ruin you.. as if it hasn't already.

It is NOT right or normal to see someone you are dating 24/7.

All of this experience has affected you now.. big time :(. You now have to work on accepting the transition.. Big change!

What you are experiencing now is anxiety.. yes, I know it is awful :(.

But... it will, in time ease off. You will sleep again ( maybe get some sleep eeze tabs to help you out & melatonin).

You dont know what to do.. because all of a sudden she isnt in your face. You are free of that and because you went

so long doing it all HER way.. you are lost.

Now.. you need to learn how to be yourself again.

You didnt need to delete all your photo's of her.. store a few.

IF you ever got back together I doubt anything would really change. Especially in next 6+ months.

Maybe 6 yrs?

Basically.. it is a big change for you. Life has changed for you in many ways.

But, in reality, this was not going to last.. and you need to find yourself again. Get your life back again and that will take

a bit of time.

Loss.. is never easy, I know :(. Give it all time.

Try to eat well.. get out, take walks.. hang with friends.. sports? etc.

And just keep going.

I wanted to go out with my friends, or do something on my own, i get very overwhelmed if i'm around people constantly, i need time alone to recharge.

- Of course you do. YOu need to and you should be able to.

 

Re: being with someone like this.. forever? The rest of your days? Sadly.. No.

Someone like this is emotionally draining. I guess you came to see this after over 2 yrs with her.

Can you honestly see another 20? ... ... ... No. It would ruin you.. as if it hasn't already.

 

It is NOT right or normal to see someone you are dating 24/7.

All of this experience has affected you now.. big time :(. You now have to work on accepting the transition.. Big change!

 

What you are experiencing now is anxiety.. yes, I know it is awful :(.

But... it will, in time ease off. You will sleep again ( maybe get some sleep eeze tabs to help you out & melatonin).

 

You dont know what to do.. because all of a sudden she isnt in your face. You are free of that and because you went

so long doing it all HER way.. you are lost.

Now.. you need to learn how to be yourself again.

 

You didnt need to delete all your photo's of her.. store a few.

 

IF you ever got back together I doubt anything would really change. Especially in next 6+ months.

Maybe 6 yrs?

 

Basically.. it is a big change for you. Life has changed for you in many ways.

 

But, in reality, this was not going to last.. and you need to find yourself again. Get your life back again and that will take

a bit of time.

 

Loss.. is never easy, I know :(. Give it all time.

 

Try to eat well.. get out, take walks.. hang with friends.. sports? etc.

And just keep going.

It's not emotionally draining for everyone. For someone like OP, maybe.

But I have been on both ends of this. I have been the one who needed space, and the one was told their partner needed space. Communication can fix an issue like this if the relationship is worth saving, but stringing her along isn't fair only to do this to her again in 3 months because she loves you too much. Worse things in the world than a clingy girlfriend.

I am not the most mentally stable person myself, i have very bad depersonalisation/derealisation disorder and she has helped me a great deal in overcoming it. She would honestly do anything for me, and what hurts the most is i feel like i have let her down. I feel like iv'e not done the same in return on occasions. I don't know what it is with me, i don't know why i'm like this. I really wish i wasn't. We have tried to reach compromises in the past and to be honest it's worked, i can see she's tried so hard to give me space, she's tried so hard to make it work. I was not thinking straight at the time, and jesus do i regret it.

Although i'm admitting to my own failures, this isn't to say she has none. She can be very manipulative, there is also a nasty/violent side to her when she doesn't get her own way. She's never really had to work for anything in life, where as i have. She has a history of self harming etc which has recently resurfaced when i noticed marks on her legs, i offered all the support i could physically give, i was terrified she might do something silly. I feel i may have lost the best friend iv'e ever had, and i mean that from the bottom of my heart. I thought about her as soon as i woke up, and before i went to sleep. There's now a gaping hole in my soul, i never could of imagined i'd feel so low, iv'e been in some pretty dark places but none this black. This is the first time we have ever broken up, for the most part we've had a strong relationship. A few weeks ago i considered and was close to ending it for the reasons explained, but i didn't, i couldn't lose her. Then after a bad night where she was drunk and embarrassing i acted impulsively with no thought for the consequences. Do you think somehow we could make it work, or would we be throwing wood onto a fire that's gone out.

I don't know enough about the situation but it doesn't sound all that healthy. you're both very young and with her history of self harm it sounds like a headache.

But what do I know - I just got dumped by a girl with PTSD, ADHD, borderline, history of webcamming for men, no money, avoidant dismissive attachment style, who thinks she knows everything about everything. So clearly I pick winners.

Your girlfriend sounds like a queen compared to my ex.

Anyway I'm in a similar headspace to you - whats key is to recognize its normal to miss someone after a breakup, that doesnt mean the relationship was healthy for anyone involved, it just means they played a role in your life and its now missing.

Deep breaths, buddy—I really feel for you.

I'm six months out of a similar situation. I loved my ex of there three years so much, but there was a draining quality to it, as she relied on me for everything and (in my case) eventually came to resent me for it and started lashing out in destructive ways. I'll spare you the details. Suffice to say I was ambivalent about ending it, but I could feel my spirit dimming.

The first three months or so were really hard. I wanted her back so badly. But there was always a but. I wanted X without the Y, etc. In time, as I healed and processed, the Y started to eclipse the X. And with more time the equation just seemed beside the point. It didn't add up.

I remain sad. I miss her. But I listen to those "buts" more than I do the longing. Having time to myself has allowed me to see the ways I'd been bent into a shape I couldn't quite hold, a shape that wasn't the full me. I suggest you take this time to just breathe, inhabit the unknown, and see what happens, what feelings you feel and thoughts you have. That's what should guide you, whether it's back to her or not. You are both very young, her especially. This isn't the time to force something out of fear of pain and what's not yet known in your future.

I just went through this 3 weeks ago, I was the dumpee though. She is so codependent on her mother that it mentally drained me with dealing with our problems and her having her mother involved. I had enough and started getting distant and she left me, of course it was my fault. lol

i say if u really love her and wanna work things out u really have to tell her how u feel in a way that ur not gonna hurt her feelings just be straight up honest

I remain sad. I miss her. But I listen to those "buts" more than I do the longing. Having time to myself has allowed me to see the ways I'd been bent into a shape I couldn't quite hold, a shape that wasn't the full me.

That resonates with more than you can imagine man. I think of all the good times we've had, all the positives she has, and then there's a 'but'.

Just to update everyone, she has messaged me today basically giving me an ultimatum, either i say we will try and work it out or she's gone. This was sent with a load of pictures of us together, almost as if she's trying to fill me with so much guilt i give in to her. She's not interested in hearing my reasoning, she just wants to work it out. She doesn't understand that i can't make a decision for the last 2.5 years in a split second. She's now blocked me on all fronts of communication, but i think she'll come back. I have told her deep down i don't think trying again is what's best for both of us, before i'm accused of stringing her along. It took an enormous amount of courage to tell her how i feel, but she's just not interested in hearing it. I'm still a mess, but i feel like i can think with a lot more clarity today.

i say if u really love her and wanna work things out u really have to tell her how u feel in a way that ur not gonna hurt her feelings just be straight up honest

I can't tell her how i feel without hurting her feelings. We have tried countless times to make it work, trying to resolve the same issues that have plagued our relationship since the start, to no avail. It's only recently she's really tried to make changes, and it's still not working. It is partly my fault, and partly hers.

Ok guys after nearly asking her for another chance iv'e had to go no contact... this is honestly not what i wanted and by far the worst few days of my life, but talking to her after breaking up with her is making us both ill and iv'e had to do what i feel in my heart very deep down. I'm devastated beyond belief, even worse than before, because i will not now know if she is OK or not, although i don't want to be romantically involved with her anymore i still care for her a great deal. I've had to do this for my own sanity, now i just need to rebuild myself, these last few days have pulled me apart.