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Thread: Younger Women and Step-Kids

  1. #1
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    Younger Women and Step-Kids

    Hi. I'm really looking for some input as I have not been able to find much of anything on-line or otherwise on this matter. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough....

    I am almost 52 and have been separated for a number of years and am finally starting to get my wits about me (I think) to see what I want for the rest of my life. First and foremost, I want a satisfying secure relationship with a women...I do not like the single lifestyle. I love female companionship and also long for a settled life with someone. In looking for this special someone, it seems I gravitate (not consciously) towards those who are a little younger than I. I work, work out and associate with many in this same age group (and relate well to them)....and I'm in the best physical shape, aesthetically and otherwise, of my life. When I say younger women, I don't mean 20's, but rather around 40...give or take. And that typically means pre-teen kids. My most recent girlfriend is 39 with two pre-teen boys (shared custody). Age was never ever an issue...certainly not the reason we ended. I met her boys as a "co-worker friend" one day at work, but never got the chance to meet them in their home element.

    Recently I connected with a woman on-line. Her pics and chatting struck a chord with me, so much so that we are planning to meet up soon. Age? 39. Kids? Two young boys (shared custody). Go figure...... So if I continue to follow my heart, kids will likely be a consideration. For that matter, women a little older typically have kids still at home or certainly still in the picture....which is fine. My kids are both out of high school and are relatively independent.

    I am not a social butterfly.....more so a homebody really but I do enjoy getting out now and then. I am in the gym five days a week.

    Does anyone have any input or advise on what to expect and what factors I should consider should I go down the path of embracing this woman with younger kids, knowing I've been there, done that? FWIW, my sister thinks it's a non-issue and I'm simply overthinking things....which I agree with. As for the previous relationship, the thought of kids scared me at first, but I think I got over that....albeit too late.

    Thoughts? Experience?

  2. #2
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    Stepkids can be a huge issue to deal with.

    First off, they can dislike you right out of the gate. Some kids hold onto a fantasy that their parents will get back together. So you ruin that for them.

    In my own experience I had to fight the urge to parent them, despite they seriously needing it.

    Why? because they did not respect my authority.

    It took a long time to get to a good space with them.

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    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    If I were single again, I would not go down that path. I say stick to your expectations. I myself like being a home body, but I also like my peace and quiet at home to do whatever I want, whenever I want. Kids would never fit in this picture, for I like my personal independence, and not have dependence. You will be limited in what you can do, kids with always be her first priority, ex husband and those issues will be in the picture. Even tho it will look like you have limited options, there are women your age that are youthful, fit, and kid-less. You should be thinking about your retirement, and save for the future with a partner of equal financial status. Can't do that when raising kids for the next 10+ years.

    Now if you were just looking to casually date someone for fun, and someone to go on a vacation or two, then sure go for it because you are not thinking long term. But if you are thinking of finding someone more permanent/ grow old with, choose more wisely.

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    Valid input. Thanks.

    First off, I would have no illusions of replacing their father, or being a 100% rights-holding parent. A fixture in their life? Absolutely. As well, both women have professional careers with comparable income to mine, and comparable college/university education. While freedom is nice, I am more often than not quite bored around the house. While not ignorant of later years, I don't wish to compromise my current life for such. BTW, I don't really believe in retirement in the traditional sense. I plan on doing something until I am physically unable to....vs sitting around watching TV :). As well, casual doesn't work for me. I either have someone or I don't.

    For context, I have great regrets for letting the most recent lady go....especially given it was probably in large part due to my hesitation in going "all in" sooner.

    Not that I necessarily have a problem with the comments above....just rebutting a little :)

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    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Sounds to me you have already made up your mind.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How do you and your wife share custody/visitation of your 2 kids? It the problem that when your recent gf and this new online one has her kids you have yours so can't schedule things?
    Originally Posted by Hopefulguy
    Recently I connected with a woman on-line. Her pics and chatting struck a chord with me, so much so that we are planning to meet up soon. Age? 39. Kids? Two young boys (shared custody). My kids are both out of high school and are relatively independent.

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    you say you are separated? are you ACTUALLY divorced? If not, do not pass go.

    If you ARE divorced, then yes, if you want to date a woman, she will either already have kids or possibly could be looking to have kids (and would consider an older man). If you have kids, you really can't hold a woman to a different standard (she has to accept my kids, but i won't accept hers).

    If you are divorced, i think your largest concern is making sure you only meet women who are fully divorced and not separated and who have been divorced for a number of years so they are not still in a negotiation situation with the ex.

    I would also hold the standard of not meeting the children at all for awhile.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    How do you and your wife share custody/visitation of your 2 kids? It the problem that when your recent gf and this new online one has her kids you have yours so can't schedule things?
    My kids are 19 and 21. They each come and go to our respective houses as they please.

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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    you say you are separated? are you ACTUALLY divorced? If not, do not pass go.

    If you ARE divorced, then yes, if you want to date a woman, she will either already have kids or possibly could be looking to have kids (and would consider an older man). If you have kids, you really can't hold a woman to a different standard (she has to accept my kids, but i won't accept hers).

    If you are divorced, i think your largest concern is making sure you only meet women who are fully divorced and not separated and who have been divorced for a number of years so they are not still in a negotiation situation with the ex.

    I would also hold the standard of not meeting the children at all for awhile.
    I've been effectively separated for seven years, legally for three years. All of the negotiating is done. I don't think we'll care about divorce unless one of us wishes to be remarried...or a partner suggests such. It's a piece of paper to us.

    I would never wish to meet the kids until such time as we are committed fully to a future. Months at least......best case scenario.

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    Originally Posted by Hopefulguy
    I've been effectively separated for seven years, legally for three years. All of the negotiating is done. I don't think we'll care about divorce unless one of us wishes to be remarried...or a partner suggests such. It's a piece of paper to us.

    I would never wish to meet the kids until such time as we are committed fully to a future. Months at least......best case scenario.
    you need to divorce if you want to date. you will not meet a serious woman who will accept dating a married man. A woman looking for a future husband will next you or will question if you really are separated. you say "neither of us will probably divorce unless we want to remarry" -- its like hoping a married man leaves his wife "why won't he get divorced. Is he not serious about me?" you can't put a ring on a finger as a married man. you will attract women who have messy lives and are relieved a guy is committed elsewhere.

    if its "just a piece of paper to you" then it is no big deal to just get it done, right? Do you want to meet a woman that if she marries you she "just thinks its a piece of paper" (the marriage license, etc) and "no big deal?"

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