To have a baby, or not to have a baby

I hate that I’ve resorted to looking for advice on here, but I know that all of my friends would say “just go ahead and have a baby already!” Because they would love nothing more than for me to join the mommy club.

Anyways, my heart wants a baby, but my brain is telling me to wait. I want to start off by saying that I have been happily married for 2 years (though we’ve been together for 7 years), I am 27, we both went to college and have good jobs though they don’t pay the most. I am a teacher so I definitely don’t make much, he makes about double what I make. I have a fear of making permanent commitments. I think I’m scared of having a baby because it’s so permanent and it will change everything. I’m also scared that we won’t be able to afford a baby. Right now we live in a mobile home and are saving to build, but we are not even close to having enough saved to start building yet. I’m worried that if we have a baby it will take all of our savings to buy everything it needs and then we will never be able to build a house. I can’t live in this mobile home forever. I’m also scared because I don’t have parents that can help with babysitting and what not and my husband’s parents are unreliable. So we basically won’t get help at all as far as babysitting and what not. Which isn’t a big deal but I know that when my friends have had babies they were so blessed that their mothers were able to help them figure out everything in the beginning and were able to help them while they were recovering from childbirth. It kind of hurts my heart to know that I will never have that. However, I think about having a baby all the time. I feel like a baby is the biggest thing that is missing from my life and I want a family so bad. I’m also not getting any younger and am scared to wait and then not be able to have babies.

What should I do???? Are we ready?

Who is pressuring you into something you are clearly not ready for emotionally or financially?

I have been happily married for 2 years, I am 27. I’m scared of having a baby because it’s so permanent and it will change everything.we live in a mobile home

Nobody! My own feelings are conflicted.

you are still young, it sounds like you could afford to wait for 2 years or more.

then again, how much will change in 2 years? there probably is never going to be a right time. what does your partner think?

Well, there is no such thing as mentally ready. No one is really ready in that capacity . Having a baby throws a big curveball . That said if you don’t feel you are financially ready then I wouldn’t . Babies don’t cost the most money it’s as they age that they cost more . Lessons for this ,lessons for that , education etc. etc. that’s what costs the most money .

I would say you have time . The average first time mother now is about 30 years old . I had my son when I was 30 , 20 years ago .

So financially stablize where you’re at and then revisit the idea .

But a child is a permanent commitment for the rest of your life until you die . So be very sure you can handle that commitment .

you are still young, it sounds like you could afford to wait for 2 years or more.

 

then again, how much will change in 2 years? there probably is never going to be a right time. what does your partner think?

My partner is very supportive of whatever I want. If I said I wanted a baby now, he would be good with it. If I said I wasn’t ready, he would be good with that also. He’s hinted around that he wants to have one now but has never pressured me or tried to convince me to do it.

Well, there is no such thing as mentally ready. No one is really ready in that capacity . Having a baby throws a big curveball . That said if you don’t feel you are financially ready then I wouldn’t . Babies don’t cost the most money it’s as they age that they cost more . Lessons for this ,lessons for that , education etc. etc. that’s what costs the most money .

 

I would say you have time . The average first time mother now is about 30 years old . I had my son when I was 30 , 20 years ago .

 

So financially stablize where you’re at and then revisit the idea .

 

But a child is a permanent commitment for the rest of your life until you die . So be very sure you can handle that commitment .

Thank you. This is good advice. I think maybe the reason I feel like time is running out is because I’m the last of all of my friends to have kids. Most of their kids are a couple years old now and I have yet to have any. But I know I need to not compare myself to others. But it’s hard not to sometimes.

Thank you. This is good advice. I think maybe the reason I feel like time is running out is because I’m the last of all of my friends to have kids. Most of their kids are a couple years old now and I have yet to have any. But I know I need to not compare myself to others. But it’s hard not to sometimes.

I was the first of my generation in my family and friends to have kids but I am the eldest. But definitely don’t feel pressured if you’re not ready you’re not ready . A child is a big changed your life and you don’t want to add the extra burden of financial struggle . It is still doable because we did it . ( we were struggling at the time financially and mentally) but it is preferable not to do it that way . Just remember all these other people are not raising your child you are . So you have to be ready when you are ready .

Here is what I did when I had a somewhat similar decision. At age 37 I was single and considered being a single mother by choice. I decided to give myself one year to decide either way. Knowing that I had that finite time (yes, self-imposed but I needed that structure) helped me be more efficient at getting to the core of what the decision entailed and the potential risks/consequences. In the first month or so I talked with my mom and sister, spoke with a few friends, connected with a single mother by choice through a friend, and did some reading up on it. Within that month I made up my mind (not to pursue single mother by choice). I was able to move on and no regrets because I'd structured it that way, so I recommend it.

In your particular case I also would just get a typical check up by an gynecologist, make sure everything appears to be in working order, etc which should give you peace of mind. I had our son at age 42, as a newlywed. Yes, huge commitment, huge sacrifice, zero help from family (not because they did not love and support us to the moon and back -because of logistics -hundreds of miles away and elderly -we had to care for them). But it helped a lot that we were in good shape financially. And remember, you don't know what kind of child you will have - hopefully typical and it's not always like that or even if the child is typical there are things like recurring ear infections, sleep issues, allergies, etc. - if you have predictable, routine days -those are often the exception especially at different stages. It's awesome to have "money to throw at the problem" and I mean money to hire a cleaning service, to get something shipped in hours or overnight, to be able to take your child somewhere special after a rough time period for example. Not necessarily money for sitters or actual child care but that's great too. It's a great feeling to know the money is there in case. I had a number of surprises post-birth that were stressful, took a lot of time, required extra $. And I love being a parent, I feel like I won the lottery most of the time, it's the hugest commitment that is hugely worth it. Please don't think I'm pointing out just the challenges.

Good luck!

It's better for everyone if you can provide a better physical and financial environment. Not sure why you are waiting to build a house when you would be better off in an affordable starter home that is a reasonable environment. Whose idea is it to go through that hassle and long wait time to build? That what makes it scary, not having a child in decent, yet readily available, affordable housing. It seems that's the main conflict, not whether to have a child in the near future or not. Rethink your plan and run it by your husband.

have good jobs though they don’t pay the most. I can’t live in this mobile home forever.

My son, now 20-months, was born one month after I turned 40. At 27, you still have a LONG time to get as ready as possible (no one is ever 100% ready for kids). Definitely prepare as much as you can, though. Especially make sure you're financially stable, have health insurance, etc.

It's better for everyone if you can provide a better physical and financial environment. Not sure why you are waiting to build a house when you would be better off in an affordable starter home that is a reasonable environment. Whose idea is it to go through that hassle and long wait time to build? That what makes it scary, not having a child in decent, yet readily available, affordable housing. It seems that's the main conflict, not whether to have a child in the near future or not. Rethink your plan and run it by your husband.

Our home isn’t a dump or anything like that. I do consider it a reasonable starter home. It’s just small. And we are waiting to build because we want to put 20% down and only have a 15 year mortgage. Obviously if we already had $60,000 saved up we would go ahead and build? I’m not sure what kind of advice you are trying to give?

Thank you. This is good advice. I think maybe the reason I feel like time is running out is because I’m the last of all of my friends to have kids. Most of their kids are a couple years old now and I have yet to have any. But I know I need to not compare myself to others. But it’s hard not to sometimes.

I suggest setting an emotional health goal to achieve before you have kids. Learn to follow your own path and to accept that path, without regard to how your life compares to someone else's.

Once you are a parent, the comparisons only get worse. And they damage the young soul that you are raising as well as your own.

I didn't have kids until I was married, and at 27 I hadn't even met my husband. I was in my 30s when I had my kids. At 27, you have time to make yourself strong inside. I thought I did that (a psychotherapist would have been a good idea but I didn't know) - and I did to a great degree. I needed every ounce of emotional strength, faith, and commitment to raise my kids.

They are happy and healthy humans now, as am I. Thank goodness for the many resources that helped sustain and carry me, including eNA. Emotional health has been the number 1 resource that contributed to my ability to raise raising amazing kids.

Why not work your butts off for a few years if money is the concern?

Not sure how much daycare is for you guys, but where I am, it is $1100 to $1400/month. But the first two years, the baby is so small, and in all honestly, don't care if you lived in a shoe. All they need are diapers, doctor appointments, food, TLC.

So you need about 8 diapers/day. Butt cream, wipes, breast milk (breast pumps are covered by insurance in the US) or formula ($20/tub), bottles, and whatever essentials. Buy in bulk.

My first born, hubby, loud annoying dog, and timid cat all lived in a 400 square foot place (And 400 was plenty of room) until we moved when my son was 2.5 into a 2800 square foot place. And even then, our place was pretty bare until we inherited some furniture 3 years later!

It's never a perfect time to have kids. But, as far as committing to change - that is something you need to work on. You can get hit by a bus, and lose your legs, and that's permanent. You need to figure out what exactly are you afraid of with change.

Also, get the test done to see how long you can wait to have kids. Yes, they can tell you if you need to start now, or can wait a long time. Check out your hubby's sperm.

Billions of people have had kids, and the world still goes on. You may need perspective, or you just need to move closer to where your folks are for a peace of mind. Almost all of my friends prior to having kids, still don't have kids! So I had to make new mom friends.

Oh, and if you ever consider moving to Long Island, New York, first year teachers make about $75K a year, plus benefits, and that's not including if you decide to teach summer school, or a sport, or after-school club. I just think you shouldn't worry so much about what other people are doing. Just do what works for you and hubby. 27 is still young. I had my first at 32/33 - super healthy. And my second at 37.

My youngest son, who's 2, said, "I love you" to me today. I share this because I really was happy before kids, and very content with life and accomplished. Then, after kids, they bring meaning to your life you could never have had fathom of before. They are my pride and joy.

My partner is very supportive of whatever I want. If I said I wanted a baby now, he would be good with it. If I said I wasn’t ready, he would be good with that also. He’s hinted around that he wants to have one now but has never pressured me or tried to convince me to do it.

I thought you were married?? You say 'partner' now?

At any rate -- no one is ever *ready* - there will always be a house to save up for, a better car, more years at a job,etc. Actually -- if you have a baby when you are "completely" ready you will be over 40 and the chance of having a baby will be reduced a thousand fold. What needs to be "ready" is a happy marriage, both people graduated school if possible or whatever other means to be able to put food on the table, etc., and a relatively healthy lifestyle (no drugs, etc.) As you get older, you will be more senior in your fields and make more money. It doesn't matter to a kid whether you rent or own. In fact, i had no idea until maybe 5 years ago that the first few places i lived in life were all rented. I thought for sure that my parents owned the townhouse we lived in. They didn't. They were renters until i was maybe 12 and we lived in more than one place. I had hand me down and consignment shop clothing. Did i care? Did it make me less successful? You say that you are afraid of commitments - but you married, right?

I thought you were married?? You say 'partner' now?

 

At any rate -- no one is ever *ready* - there will always be a house to save up for, a better car, more years at a job,etc. Actually -- if you have a baby when you are "completely" ready you will be over 40 and the chance of having a baby will be reduced a thousand fold. What needs to be "ready" is a happy marriage, both people graduated school if possible or whatever other means to be able to put food on the table, etc., and a relatively healthy lifestyle (no drugs, etc.) As you get older, you will be more senior in your fields and make more money. It doesn't matter to a kid whether you rent or own. In fact, i had no idea until maybe 5 years ago that the first few places i lived in life were all rented. I thought for sure that my parents owned the townhouse we lived in. They didn't. They were renters until i was maybe 12 and we lived in more than one place. I had hand me down and consignment shop clothing. Did i care? Did it make me less successful? You say that you are afraid of commitments - but you married, right?

I used the word partner because the person that asked the question used the word partner.

I think you know "I want to have a baby because all my friends have already had babies" isn't a good reason to have one.

You have several years. If a home for your baby is important to you then wait until you have a home. Nothing wrong with waiting a bit.

I'll add somewhat anecdotally that the women in my moms group on Facebook -thousands of members in my city - at least twice a week post for help finding 'work from home" jobs to avoid the cost of daycare potentially. Many of those jobs are scams (well maybe not many, too many) or require money up front and others cannot be done without another adult helping with the kids (like customer service from home) or at least a teenager. Many of these women are 20 somethings who didn't have an established career/job before having kids. So I suggest having that to the extent possible and in an field where you have more of an option of teleworking. I am not a fan of doing what I did -waiting to try to conceive until almost 41 years old (did so because I hadn't yet found the right guy -I totally wanted a child at your age!) but an upside was I had telework and part time options in my career when I chose to return to working outside the home (started looking after about 5 years as a full-time parent).

We did not do full time daycare ever and did part time preschool at age 3, but in addition to figuring out what you want to do about parenting responsibilities think about your work from home options.

Just wondering what the dilemma is with baby now vs build a house.

Our home isn’t a dump or anything like that. I do consider it a reasonable starter home. It’s just small.

Just wondering what the dilemma is with baby now vs build a house.

The dilemma is that we can’t build a house yet (haven’t saved enough yet) and therefore that is delaying us having children because I’m worried that with the expense of a child we wouldn’t be able to save for a house. But I’m also getting older where I need to start thinking about having kids.

Not sure, why you want to build a house. You could just save for a few years, and buy a house. Kids aren't expensive. It's the things we want to give them that are expensive. If you in this much turmoil over having kids, then give yourself a full year to think about it. You will still be plenty young. You may have friends who already have kids, but so what. In a few years, you could have a home, more money, and be living somewhere close to his or your parents.

And to put your mind at ease, go get tested, and see how viable your eggs are. I mean, you could still take a year to actually get pregnant. Or you just get preggo in one shot, like me at 32 and 36. Just put a pin in it. TBH, kids are a money pit, but that's cuz I paid for daycare (with 2 kids), camp, activities, savings for college, etc. I just think you feel you are not ready. Some people have plenty of money, and they still find stipulations on why they can't have kids. I think if you had plenty of money, you'd still find a reason not to have them.

Agree. Whose idea is it to build rather than buy?

Not sure, why you want to build a house. You could just save for a few years, and buy a house.

Agree. Whose idea is it to build rather than buy?

Building would be much more affordable than buying because we already have land and the housing market is extremely high right now. Plus we could build it how we want it instead of trying to find the perfect house

Not sure, why you want to build a house. You could just save for a few years, and buy a house. Kids aren't expensive. It's the things we want to give them that are expensive. If you in this much turmoil over having kids, then give yourself a full year to think about it. You will still be plenty young. You may have friends who already have kids, but so what. In a few years, you could have a home, more money, and be living somewhere close to his or your parents.

 

And to put your mind at ease, go get tested, and see how viable your eggs are. I mean, you could still take a year to actually get pregnant. Or you just get preggo in one shot, like me at 32 and 36. Just put a pin in it. TBH, kids are a money pit, but that's cuz I paid for daycare (with 2 kids), camp, activities, savings for college, etc. I just think you feel you are not ready. Some people have plenty of money, and they still find stipulations on why they can't have kids. I think if you had plenty of money, you'd still find a reason not to have them.

Whether we build or buy is irrelevant. We still need to save money to get a house. We already have land, so building would be the more affordable option. What difference does it make whether we save to buy or save to build? Also, we have a farm. We would like our house to be on our farm.