Girlfriend caught me watching porn..

Hi all,

As the title says, the above happened last night. This morning I woke up and my girlfriend said to me last night “right I’m not wanting to be paranoid and I don’t want you to lie to me, but what were you watching last night in bed?”. I was watching porn, so I told her I was watching porn. She was really freaked out. I said to her “well I didn’t think you were in the mood so I helped myself” and she then came back with “well if you want a girl who wants sex every night then you need to find someone else”, which I replied with “I know you’re not all that into it, that’s why I didn’t ask you and took matters into my own hands”.

Normally I’d go to the bathroom to do this, but she has a double bunk so I’d have to climb over her and wake her up, something which she wouldn’t have liked. I asked her if she had a problem with porn in general and she said well yeah it’s kinda weird but it was more that you’d do that right next to me. The night before I’d jacked myself off but without the use of porn, and midway through she’d woken up and ended up helping me out. So that kinda means that the part she’s weirded out about is the porn next to her, not masturbating by myself next to her....

We’ve only been together since January, she’s 19, and she was a virgin before she met me. After about a month together we started having sex, and this was near enough every other night we spent together. Which was absolutely fine with me. This happened while we were away together on holiday as while I’m at hers it’s kinda hard to do that while we are in her bunk so I’ve never even tried to do it. We normally rotate between a weekend at my place and a weekend at her place, at my place is normally where we have sex, but she hasn’t been over to mine in a month due to some commitments at home which I totally understand, so while at hers I’ve had to find some way to get myself off and it seems she’s not happy about it...

This morning everything is really awkward between us and I feel like maybe she thinks im a perv or something....what do I do? It’s a brand new relationship and the sex has already declined, I’m hoping this is just because of sleeping arrangements. I don’t want it every night, once a weekend (so once a week) is fine for me, but I always have to initiate sex with her and I feel that like sometimes if I do that she might not be in the mood and it might piss her off....

Have the decency to do this in private.

Have the decency to do this in private.

That’s fine, but you’re missing the part about me doing this the night before, albeit without porn, but she was perfectly fine with it and actually said “come out to play has he?” And then actually helped me out..

Why not have sex with her like a grown man in the first place? Why act like a 13 y/o?

me doing this the night before, albeit without porn, but she was perfectly fine with it and actually said “come out to play has he?” And then actually helped me out..

Have the decency to do this in private.

Why not have sex with her like a grown man in the first place? Why act like a 13 y/o?

I didn’t think she was in the mood, she definitely didn’t seem like she was, and like I said we never have done round at hers. She’s quite self conscious about her body (weighs like 45kg, I have no idea why) but she doesn’t really like taking her clothes off in front of me so I don’t think she’s very comfortable with sex anyway).

How old is she? Then why hang out with her in bed jerking yourself off?

I don’t think she’s very comfortable with sex anyway.

If you're not getting enough sex, she isn't a good partner. Your drives are out of sync.

Two adults should be able to come to an agreement on boundaries. What is acceptable, what isn't. There should be no judgement. If there is, you're not a good match. Neither of your behaviour's are bad. You just need to agree on them, or agree to disagree. If you can't do that, you're not a good match.

Tip: use private browser, and use a IP address blocker. Private browser will be under file on your search if you are using windows on a laptop. I don't know if there is anything for a phone. Private browser doesn't show in your history so any snooping GF won't know if you are watching porn or anything you don't want her to see.

Bottom line: Op, you were rude and instead of apologizing for your lack of good grace, you turned this around on her and complained about her bedroom abilities.

Own your bad behavior and apologize for your lack of consideration to her sensibilities. There is, in my opinion, no harm in watching porn (as long as it's not an addiction) or wanking off but to do it beside her quite another matter.

You're perfectly entitled to watch porn. You're even entitled to appreciate a purely compartmentalized wanking instead of having sex. But in beating off right next to her, you're either extremely lacking in tact or you're playing games because she hasn't put out. Would honestly lean heavier toward the latter.

You're perfectly entitled to watch porn. You're even entitled to appreciate a purely compartmentalized wanking instead of having sex. But in beating off right next to her, you're either extremely lacking in tact or you're playing games because she hasn't put out. Would honestly lean heavier toward the latter.

I second this. I get that people like to "help themselves" as you so eloquently put it.... but right next to her? I know guys in their 20's want it 24x7 but seriously bro. I think you were secretly hoping she would wake up and help you finish (which she did the first time), or you were trying to guilt her into putting out more. Either way... deal with who she is and go have a shower next time, or find someone that is more matched to your sexual energy.

If she has a problem with porn then if I were you I'd put it away in a secret storage hole in your house and don't look at it for the remainder of your time together in this relationship. Your story is an example of why it's ideal to choose a girlfriend who has a higher sex drive than yourself.

If she has a problem with porn then if I were you I'd put it away in a secret storage hole in your house and don't look at it for the remainder of your time together in this relationship. Your story is an example of why it's ideal to choose a girlfriend who has a higher sex drive than yourself.

Right, so when she catches him masturbating she'll freak out because he wasted it instead of using it on her.

It doesn't matter, Kyle... insecurity is insecurity and it comes in all forms.

Hello all,

Thanks for the replies.

Have had a big talk with her today and this is pretty much the bottom line. She was a virgin when I met her, and she hadn’t even masturbated herself apparently, which is quite rare considering she’s 19. She takes citalopram which I’m aware of, and she has told me it can affect sex drive (even though she only started these less than a year ago, and even then, considering what she’s told me, she couldn’t have had a sex drive even before then because she hadn’t touched herself). Maybe it was her depression that took away her sex drive initially, and then the pills took depressions place when she started them? Don’t know, not really that important but she basically told me she doesn’t have a sex drive and doesn’t want sex, and by me watching porn it amplified the fact that she isn’t doing enough for me in the bedroom, and it in turn made her feel quite bad and useless.

I explained to her that yes, sex in a relationship is important, but it isn’t the be all and end all. I can take care of it myself alone, as every other part of the relationship is good. She then mentioned that maybe we weren’t compatible because of our differences in that regard which I totally understand.

I’m gonna hang on in there for a little bit and see how it goes - maybe things will change after the talk. If not I feel I’ll have to split up with her, because I feel if I don’t get what I need from her I might end up hurting her which is what nobody wants, it’s a big shame because everything else is great - her personality, her family, everything. Merh :(

Don't settle... whatever you do. That rarely goes well for anyone.

Did you apologize for being so insensitive in general? Hope so.

Don't settle... whatever you do. That rarely goes well for anyone.

 

Did you apologize for being so insensitive in general? Hope so.

Yes of course. I went out and bought her a dozen roses and some of her favourite chocolates. At this point she was still mad at me but as soon as she saw the flowers she couldn’t hold back her smile.

If she has a problem with porn then if I were you I'd put it away in a secret storage hole in your house and don't look at it for the remainder of your time together in this relationship. Your story is an example of why it's ideal to choose a girlfriend who has a higher sex drive than yourself.

Why would that be a good idea? Masterbation is a natural human function. by him having to have a secret storage brings shame to something that one shouldn't be ashamed of.

Doing it right next to her? A little inconsiderate, but I also don't agree to the extreme of hiding it like a crack addiction.

Reach a happy medium.

Hey friend, Thanks for sharing here! I see that you are set on what you want and very focus on getting what you need from her or on your own if she is not in the mood. She had never had sex before meeting you and you say that she seems not to be entirely comfortable with it. Is this something that happened because of your needs or do you think that she wanted as well? It seems to me like, in this relationship that you both have, you are very focused on yourself and your needs! You said that sex in a relationship isn’t all and I think that you are right! Have you tried to focus on other aspects of your relationship and grow in those areas as well? You have been together for a short period of time to be so focused on a single aspect. It is good that you apologized but it is also important that you try to understand the other person and, also, think about you and what are your motivations to do what you do! Every experience is an opportunity to learn and move forward! Take advantage of this one! Keep moving forward!

Hey friend, Thanks for sharing here! I see that you are set on what you want and very focus on getting what you need from her or on your own if she is not in the mood. She had never had sex before meeting you and you say that she seems not to be entirely comfortable with it. Is this something that happened because of your needs or do you think that she wanted as well? It seems to me like, in this relationship that you both have, you are very focused on yourself and your needs! You said that sex in a relationship isn’t all and I think that you are right! Have you tried to focus on other aspects of your relationship and grow in those areas as well? You have been together for a short period of time to be so focused on a single aspect. It is good that you apologized but it is also important that you try to understand the other person and, also, think about you and what are your motivations to do what you do! Every experience is an opportunity to learn and move forward! Take advantage of this one! Keep moving forward!

During the first time I asked if she was comfortable with it and asked if it was what she wanted, even asked during haha, so that’s all I can really do....there were no tell tale physical signs to say she didn’t feel comfortable.

I’m gonna hang on in there for a little bit and see how it goes - maybe things will change after the talk. If not I feel I’ll have to split up with her, because I feel if I don’t get what I need from her I might end up hurting her which is what nobody wants, it’s a big shame because everything else is great - her personality, her family, everything. Merh :(

It's not going to go anywhere. Low sex drive caused by antidepressant does not go away because of a *conversation*. As long as she is using those she will have no sex drive. Now, is her depression caused by an event like losing a parent? or she has been diagnosed with chronic depression? In the first case she will work through her traumatic event and eventually will drop the anti-depressant in a year or 2. In the second case she will be on anti-depressant probably for the rest of her life which means a lifetime of being sex starved for you.

She is 19, you have not mentioned your age so I assume you are very young as well. It's too soon in life for you to be dealing with someone that has low-sex drive. You need to fully enjoy your youth and she needs to fix what ever brought her to anti-depressant.

It's not going to go anywhere. Low sex drive caused by antidepressant does not go away because of a *conversation*. As long as she is using those she will have no sex drive. Now, is her depression caused by an event like losing a parent? or she has been diagnosed with chronic depression? In the first case she will work through her traumatic event and eventually will drop the anti-depressant in a year or 2. In the second case she will be on anti-depressant probably for the rest of her life which means a lifetime of being sex starved for you.

 

She is 19, you have not mentioned your age so I assume you are very young as well. It's too soon in life for you to be dealing with someone that has low-sex drive. You need to fully enjoy your youth and she needs to fix what ever brought her to anti-depressant.

Hi,

I’m 23, 24 in September. To be quite honest the age difference could be a role in this too. From the talks I’ve had with her, it isn’t pinpointed to a singular event or events, she was in and out of school due to family life I believe, and never really made many friends in school. She has an eating (or did have) disorder (anorexia) and tried to take her own life about a year ago on pills. It is since then she has been taking anti depressants. I’ve done some research and there’s a particular type which is supposed to not affect your sex drive like SSRI’s, I’ve discussed it with her and suggested maybe going to the dr and asking about it. She said it would be an awkward situation. She’s on the pill, and she also told me that getting the pill would be awkward with the dr too, to which I said well it is the dr’s, they deal with that stuff day in day out (basically grow up lol), she took the pill on my suggestion, it took her like a week or two to mention that she’d started it and I actually went to the dr with her, so maybe this is something she’ll take on board. I’m gonna give it a few more weeks and just see what happens, and I will then make sure I tell her it isn’t not making me happy in a relationship. When I had this discussion with her a few days ago about my original post, she said men only want sex, and I told her that was very wrong, and I feel as if mentioning sex to her will make her just get all upset again lols, I think it’s just a maturity and age thing...

 

She has an eating (or did have) disorder (anorexia) and tried to take her own life about a year ago on pills. It is since then she has been taking anti depressants.

This is a very serious matter. Anorexia followed by a suicide attemp is not something she will overcome in a year time. She has many years of therapy in front of her and hopefully she has a good support system around her. Her anorexia is about having a distorded body image of herself that's why she doesn't want to be nude in front of you, she probably also suffers from knowing you are watching other females body (porn) and thinking their body is so much more attractive than hers. I am just scratching the surface here. Yes she is young, she is young with a truck load of issues. I don't know how long you've been dating but I don't think this is heading toward a loving rewarding and satisfying relationship for you.

Thanks for the reply. I don’t think she sees a therapist anymore as she’s been “cleared” for anorexia by her therapist last year, but there are still aspects of it which she still has and it’s very clear to me. I just try be there to support her.

I’m gonna give it a few months and just see how it goes, I’ve been in relationships before where my partner has shown very serious issues to me and selfishly I’ve gotten myself out when it started making my unhappy, I think I’ll be okay extricating myself from this relationship if I see it going that way again.

Thanks for the great reply.

Thanks for the reply. I don’t think she sees a therapist anymore as she’s been “cleared” for anorexia by her therapist last year, but there are still aspects of it which she still has and it’s very clear to me. I just try be there to support her.

 

I’m gonna give it a few months and just see how it goes, I’ve been in relationships before where my partner has shown very serious issues to me and selfishly I’ve gotten myself out when it started making my unhappy, I think I’ll be okay extricating myself from this relationship if I see it going that way again.

 

Thanks for the great reply.

As you can tell by now, this really won't "go away in time" without continued professional help. (Flamesuit on): People who have psychological issues like this that "work on them/get better" usually transfer them to other things which give the appearance that they've conquered the issue and are doing well.

The reason that I say this is because I have multiple family members with anorexia, were suicidal (at one point or another) and other eating disorders due to fear-based psychological control issues. I've also dated girls that were anorexic , no thanks to the pressures of the insane world of the modeling industry. Nearly every one of them that "got over these issues in time" had to stay medicated, abused other substances (which they tried to hide) or manifested other multiple behaviors to replace/compensate for the changes they were trying to make in their lives, despite having professional help along the way.

I know that I sound like a complete insensitive a-hole for this but having been through this as many times as I have been with people that I cared about and supported, I walk away from dating prospects that are either in the process of "dealing with these issues". Sorry for saying it this way but I won't do it again.

OP: I understand that you care about this girl but there's going to be a point where you have given all you can and you need to close the door on her. I wish you the best of luck with it and to all those who are dealing with these issues firsthand or as part of a support system for those who are.

Try not to simplify or micromanage for your own needs. This situation comes with ongoing image, libido and intimacy issues. It would be kinder to set her free since she can't offer you any of that and you are not helping her by sticking around, hinting you want sex by masturbating next to her. Stop dating severely broken women and trying to play amateur doctor.

I don’t think she sees a therapist anymore as she’s been “cleared” for anorexia by her therapist last year, but there are still aspects of it which she still has and it’s very clear to me. I’ve been in relationships before where my partner has shown very serious issues to me and selfishly I’ve gotten myself out when it started making my unhappy, I think I’ll be okay extricating myself from this relationship