Wife left me and our kids

Hello all,

New to asking for advice online but frankly, I dont know what else to do anymore. My wife and I were together for 8 years, 2 kids together (3 & 4) and she has 1 from a previous relationship but father is m.i.a(9)... So, at the beginning of January, my wife breaks the news that she wants a divorce. She left me everything- house,kids, pension, EVERYTHING. It's now April and she moved out last month, our divorce was finalized last month, and not a day goes by I dont think about her. I miss her, even catch myself texting her that i miss her and she never will answer back. I'm so lost, I dont eat for days-ive lost about 50 lbs since january, having trouble maintaining my work life, its impacting me hard-but I refuse to let my kids see it. I act like nothing is wrong when they see me. They see her every other weekend. I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking for here, maybe just some advice. I refuse to stop and think because I know I will mentally mess myself up. How can I move forward? Thank you.

Do you have anyone to help with the kids? She really only sees them every other weekend? Wow, I can't imagine. I think you need to get a therapist to talk to. See if you can leave the kids with their grandparents or something. But do not go back to her. She wanted out (sorry to say), and left. You need to realize that you need to move on as well. No more texting miss yous or anything else. Only text when it has to do with picking up/dropping off the kids.

I'm sorry.

You need to pull it together for your kids, and you. Have you sought out counseling? Do you have a support system?

At this stage, all you can do is learn from mistakes and not repeat them.

Mistake #1

Appeasement

If you were in a compatible marriage that wasn't forced: when you first learned of her infidelity you most likely pleaded, chased and begged.

Your appeasement failed then and it is continuing to fail. (e.g. "I miss her, even catch myself texting her...")

You are now not only empowering her, but it is now devouring you.

Stop doing it!

At this stage, all you can do is learn from mistakes and not repeat them.

 

Mistake #1

Appeasement

 

If you were in a compatible marriage that wasn't forced: when you first learned of her infidelity you most likely pleaded, chased and begged.

Your appeasement failed then and it is continuing to fail. (e.g. "I miss her, even catch myself texting her...")

 

You are now not only empowering her, but it is now devouring you.

Stop doing it!

He never said that she cheated --- she just simply left.

He never said that she cheated --- she just simply left.

She cheated on me about 4 months before she told me she wanted out. She begged me to take her back and forgive her. Me being and idiot, I agreed to take her back.

Do you have anyone to help with the kids? She really only sees them every other weekend? Wow, I can't imagine. I think you need to get a therapist to talk to. See if you can leave the kids with their grandparents or something. But do not go back to her. She wanted out (sorry to say), and left. You need to realize that you need to move on as well. No more texting miss yous or anything else. Only text when it has to do with picking up/dropping off the kids.

I had my sister move in with me and she helps a lot with the kids being shes in college and her hours accommodate with my kids school hours. She'll see them sometimes before they go off to school in the morning when I'm not home. But other then that, no, she barely sees them. I do need help. I'm so depressed. I'll be driving and just randomly cry. And I'm not that type of person. Never was. I now keep it strictly about the kids and nothing more. God, I hope things pick up for me.

So your wife cheated on you and walked away from her family, responsibilities and daily life to live a fantasy. It happens more often than you think and is called "Walk Away Wife Syndrome" google it and do some reading.

She isn't coming back and in time you won't want her back once you get your legs back under you.

First things first. THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! You may have not been the perfect husband and father but there is no excuse or reason to cheat and walk away like she did leaving her children. This is on her, not you and what you did or didn't do.

Second. If you have her child from the first marriage you better be getting child support and there needs to be a legal document giving you custody of that child. If there isn't then she needs to have full custody since it is not your child in the laws eyes and could even come back to cause you serious problems later.

Last for now. This is all really new to you as it happened pretty fast and she had a huge head start on you. She has been planning and cheating on you longer than you could imagine and finally pulled the trigger so you are playing catch up. It is okay to feel like you do (I know I did 10 years ago when it happened to me) so don't feel like you are broken or weak, you are human and she crapped all over your reality and life for her selfish wants. Be glad you have the kids most of the time because you don't want them with her right now that is for sure.

You are going to be okay and believe it or not one day you will be happier than you ever were while married to her and closer to your children than you could ever dream. Eat because you know you need to, stay clean shaven and well dressed, keep busy, call old friends to just hang out so you can see life has not ended and STOP contacting her! It only hurts you when you do not get the response you are hoping for.

Keep posting, we can help you through this.

Lost

"I'll be driving and just randomly cry. And I'm not that type of person."

- For most husbands, there is no greater pain. So, it's perfectly normal for you have, and keep having these reactions for some time.

Thank you lost. I most certainly was not the perfect husband. But I did A LOT for her. I took on her kid at 16 years old, dropped out of school to help support a kid that wasn't mine. Now, he IS MINE(not legally) and she knows better then to take him away from my biological 2 boys. I'm 25 now and so is she. I bought her the house of her choosing at 22 for her to only walk away from us a short time after that. I did everything for my family, and I still do. Maybe there is someone out there for me but who knows.

As for child support, she pays none for all 3. She only agreed to leave me custody if I would put it on paper that I did not want any money from her- so I did. I do pretty well for myself so that's not really an issue. I will sooner or later request it on paper to have him but his bio father would also have to agree and I dont think he would put it on paper. Here's the kicker about that situation- I heard from a mutual friend that the bio father is asking my ex to move in with him WITHOUT ANY of the kids and he has 3 other kids from 3 DIFFERENT WOMEN. The whole situation is messed up.

Yeah, she was planning on leaving me for months-in fact, I found out she wanted divorce because I was cleaning her car out and I found papers from a divorce attorney with mine and her name on them. Then that's when everything came to a head. I'm crushed, hurt,etc. I tend to let my emotions get the best of me. Like you have someone who would call you 50 times a day and I'd talk to her and now, we speak like 2-3 times a week and only about the kids. She actually did admit to me that she knows she fu*ked up, and there is no going back and she could never be with someone like me. I never harmed her. Always got what she wanted from me, in fact people used to yell at me cause I spoiled her so bad. Sorry if I'm rambling, you can see that I'm just so emotionally affected by this whole situation.

Stop being a doormat! You need to stand up for yourself and be firm but fair.

You would have to adopt the child from this other man to make it legal. I strongly suggest you seek legal advice right away. They could claim you took the child or worse.

She is a total mess and she actually did you a favor be leaving. This other guy wants a baby sitter and someone to cook and clean and so he wants her to move in with him. They sound like a match made in hell. Let them have each other while you rebuild your life and raise those kids in a healthy home.

Right now don't think about if there is someone out there for you, concentrate on your life and the children's lives. In time romance will find you trust me.

All your communication needs to be through email or text messages so you can save them just in case. Do not tell her you love her, do not tell her you will help or take care of her and never promise to pay for anything! You and the kids come first no matter how rough she has it.

She will probably get pregnant from this other guy and end up in a crappy relationship but that is not your problem, focus on yourself only and providing a great home life for the kids. That means if she calls and needs a ride ignore it, if she is out of money ignore it, if she needs her car fixed ignore it. She chose her path so let her walk it alone while your life prospers.

Things seem terrible right now I know as I have been there but as soon as you decide the person you once loved is not the person you thought you can begin to make a plan and start moving forward and away from her.

Lost

Stop being a doormat! You need to stand up for yourself and be firm but fair.

 

You would have to adopt the child from this other man to make it legal. I strongly suggest you seek legal advice right away. They could claim you took the child or worse.

YES. She cannot just leave her child with you. you may have little to no legal right to this child when it comes down to it. That is considered abandonment. did a LAWYER get involved with her 'agreement' to no child support if you have custody? Or was it a sticky note. You need to have an attorney if you do not. You need to adopt her child or be made the legal guardian officially.

Lost- I couldn't agree more with what you have said. I dont pay attention to what she has said to me. She actually came today to see the kids (this past weekend was her weekend and she told me shes passing on this weekend for some b.s). I actually hope she ends up with this guy because he is nothing but scum and I want her to feel what she did to me in a sense. All of our conversations are through text-except today. What happened today made me feel sorry for her but I wouldn't tell her that. I had told her I am taking all the kids away on vacation for the weekend on one of my weekends. She had asked me privately if she could come so we could be a "family" again. I told her absolutely not. I told her shes the one that turned her back on us and she cant take back what she has done. She'll never admit it, but shes starting to realize she totally f'd up. Shes telling me shes so depressed without the kids, the kids tell her all the time that they dont want to live with me, etc. She also started an argument because I wont even look in her direction when she comes to get the kids... WHY WOULD I?! Also, she blew her own spot up and told me that shes living in a house with a bunch of college kids. I lost my mind because my kids go there almost every other weekend. I told her no way in hell will my kids live with you in that environment. She actually agreed. I'm starting to see more and more my ex wife has mental issues-and one of them I know for a fact is depression. Everytime I start feeling good about myself, she'll start some drama over nothing just like today. That was today's great adventure 🙄

As far as the child goes, I legally cannot do anything about getting it on paper unless the bio father agrees. He gives me verbal agreement but refuses to give me written. The only thing I can do is hope she actually wont come take him. I highly doubt they'll do anything. I've been there for him practically since day 1 and she and him know better then to yank him from me. The sad truth is, they both know their son is well off with me as opposed to them. A lawyer was involved in the no child support and I do have custody of my biological boys. But again, the attorneys said nothing could be done about my oldest unless A) he has been with me atleast a year without either parents then I can file for abandonment or b) the father and mother have to agree to leave him with me.

She also started an argument because I wont even look in her direction when she comes to get the kids... WHY WOULD I?!

This is wrong. you should not do this to the children. You don't have to be super warm, but you should be polite and communicate what is necessary because if you don't even look at her when she comes, it does affect the kids. This is a difficult situation and their well being should be more important than "sticking it to her."

you should not take the child on vacation without written permission from one of the child's parents just in case you are stopped or in case either one of them accuses you of kidnapping. My sister does not look like her two girls. The son strongly resembles her (different skin tone, but same hair color and he has most of her features and looks exactly like her at the age of 7)., but the girls resemble their father who is a different ethnicity. She thanks people at the airport, at the border, wherever, for checking. They do not get stopped if they are together as husband and wife with the children.

you want her to end up with the guy - so she learns her lesson - but revenge is not easy on the kids.

I think that you should not take the older child anywhere until things settle a bit.

If the boy's father does not want to give up his rights, he shouldn't -- you can make an agreement for guardianship that does not consist of actual adoption. There are kids that have a grandparent as a guardian without removing the rights of the parents permanently. It just signifies that the child has permission to legally live with someone else and that person handles day to day decisions for the child.

Yeah you are right, I'm letting my emotions in the way and I have corrected that. I'm trying to be civil with her but now that I have chosen that, everytime we talk- it's always about her trying to defend the reasoning on why she left. I had told her today that I'm not looking for answers or am I asking her to come back, I just want things to be civil. Then yet again she goes on a rampage on how this whole doing was my fault. I told her I'll accept any blame she wants to put on me and I do know she is just trying to justify herself for leaving in the first place.

As far as the child goes, I got on the phone to contact some attorneys to talk and see what my options are but they haven't called back yet. We will see what they have to say.

Honestly I would've never expected that I'd be going through this. I mean just a few months ago we were debating about having another child together and now, well, shes gone. But it is what it is I guess. Everyday I bury my emotions with her for the sake of the kids and I am getting better as the days go on. The biggest thing that sits on my mind with her is she has told me "you'll thank me one day for leaving you, because I know you weren't happy with me and you'll meet someone who truly loves you and you love them"..... what does that mean? I was happy with her- or is she just trying to justify why she left again?

Yeah you are right, I'm letting my emotions in the way and I have corrected that. I'm trying to be civil with her but now that I have chosen that, everytime we talk- it's always about her trying to defend the reasoning on why she left. I had told her today that I'm not looking for answers or am I asking her to come back, I just want things to be civil. Then yet again she goes on a rampage on how this whole doing was my fault. I told her I'll accept any blame she wants to put on me and I do know she is just trying to justify herself for leaving in the first place.

As far as the child goes, I got on the phone to contact some attorneys to talk and see what my options are but they haven't called back yet. We will see what they have to say.

Honestly I would've never expected that I'd be going through this. I mean just a few months ago we were debating about having another child together and now, well, shes gone. But it is what it is I guess. Everyday I bury my emotions with her for the sake of the kids and I am getting better as the days go on. The biggest thing that sits on my mind with her is she has told me "you'll thank me one day for leaving you, because I know you weren't happy with me and you'll meet someone who truly loves you and you love them"..... what does that mean? I was happy with her- or is she just trying to justify why she left again?

Instead of her coming over to get the kids and trying to get in a word edgewise, why not sit with a mediator and hear what she has to say -- that way the steam will be blown off so she is not constantly "trying to be heard" and arguing in front of the kids. You can calmly tell her that she chose to leave the house after that, so therefore that was all her choice But at least everything will be out on the table and done with.

A lot of times, though, when someone says someone left out of the blue, it was't really out of the blue. They tried to tell their spouse time and time again what was wrong or why they were unhappy and they did not listen. The fact that she told you that "you were not happy with me" tells me that you criticized her quite a bit or just many little things that implied to her that you did not appreciate her or really wanted something else in life.

Anyway - the faster you can get to a point of civility for the kids, the better.

I actually had a long conversation with her that ended about 30 minutes ago. I got a call from the school today stating that her (our) oldest son was hysterical crying today because he wants "mommy and daddy back together". I choked the tears back when they told me that. I called her and told her to come to the house so we could speak. No arguments started but we did hear eachother out. A lot of what she said- she was right. I was focused so much with work and never actually stopped to think about her. So much more was said but I look back and now I regret everything. Sure, she wasnt an angel either, but a lot of it I do have to truly accept the fall for. I asked for us to do therapy still even though were technically done. She said were too far damaged. I guess I can only consider this a huge life lesson. I was never unhappy with her, but I also didnt show I was happy. I saw the hurt in her eyes today, something like I've never seen before. I'm disappointed in myself to be honest. But, nothing I can do about it now but just try to be a better person. But, we did agree to start being civil because after today's phone call, we both realized how this is having a big impact on the kids.

I actually had a long conversation with her that ended about 30 minutes ago. I got a call from the school today stating that her (our) oldest son was hysterical crying today because he wants "mommy and daddy back together". I choked the tears back when they told me that. I called her and told her to come to the house so we could speak. No arguments started but we did hear eachother out. A lot of what she said- she was right. I was focused so much with work and never actually stopped to think about her. So much more was said but I look back and now I regret everything. Sure, she wasnt an angel either, but a lot of it I do have to truly accept the fall for. I asked for us to do therapy still even though were technically done. She said were too far damaged. I guess I can only consider this a huge life lesson. I was never unhappy with her, but I also didnt show I was happy. I saw the hurt in her eyes today, something like I've never seen before. I'm disappointed in myself to be honest. But, nothing I can do about it now but just try to be a better person. But, we did agree to start being civil because after today's phone call, we both realized how this is having a big impact on the kids.

When someone leaves, they often checked out a long time ago - and only appear that they made a split second decision. I think you should go to counseling for the children - to learn how to coparent and to take the children to a family counselor. They are the ones hurt by this the most. They are being shuffled around all the sudden. If you both wanted to, perhaps you could save things and start a new leaf but since you both don't - the kids have to be the sole focus of both of you - even if that means she stays at their home with them when you are away on business, etc., or she gets to see them there occasionally instead of them spending the night at an unstable place that she lives in until she creates a stable place. The kids need counseling - the oldest kid was already abandoned by his father and now his mother is only part time - he needs counseling the most.