Getting back with my ex wife

Long story short. I was married to my ex wife for a total of 13 years by the time the separation and divorce was final. We both remarried and are now both separated from our current spouses. We both married the rebound. I'm just not happy, her husband cheated, numerous times. About 2 months ago, we were talking about and taking the steps necessary to get back together. We have 3 daughters. A few weeks ago, she backed way off of me and said she doesn't know of she wants to work it out with her husband or not. I am currently staying with her at her house, our oldest had some issues that require both of us to be attentive to her. Her husband moved out a few weeks ago, but has been coming around a lot more. He takes our kids out to dinner, comes here to hang out with her. Her and I do sleep in bed together, no sex for a few weeks though. We will snuggle at night.

 

I don't want to lose this chance to get her back. I love this woman with all of my heart. I do realize that I need to back off though, so she can have her time and space. I worry that once I move back home any chance her and I have will be gone. I am just looking for advice on what to do next. Thank you.

It sounds like she isn't done with her husband, and also that you two are rushing a reconciliation. He moved out only a few weeks ago, and you're already living there?

 

It's not as though you can lose a chance that isn't entirely there to begin with. I would move out, and tell her to get her life sorted first before she thinks about calling you to reconcile. Otherwise, you might be there as her rebound to her broken marriage.

It sounds like she isn't done with her husband, and also that you two are rushing a reconciliation. He moved out only a few weeks ago, and you're already living there?

 

It's not as though you can lose a chance that isn't entirely there to begin with. I would move out, and tell her to get her life sorted first before she thinks about calling you to reconcile. Otherwise, you might be there as her rebound to her broken marriage.

The reason I am there is for our oldest daughter. She was self harming, cutting her arms and wrists, took pills in an attempt to take her own life. She was in psychiatric care for a month. I am staying with her to make sure she and our other 2 daughters are ok.

The reason I am there is for our oldest daughter. She was self harming, cutting her arms and wrists, took pills in an attempt to take her own life. She was in psychiatric care for a month. I am staying with her to make sure she and our other 2 daughters are ok.

I have my own house that is only about a 10 minute drive away.

I remember you. You're doing it all backwards. By being there, you're hurting your chances. Has she even filed for divorce? Being in the same bed snuggling is emotional security for her. Her husband being the one out will probably get her back because he's not in her space. You should be sleeping in another room or the couch. Or your own house. I'm sure your daughter would be fine overnight without you there. Did you ever stop to think her allowing you to stay there may be to incite jealousy in her husband?

I remember you. You're doing it all backwards. By being there, you're hurting your chances. Has she even filed for divorce? Being in the same bed snuggling is emotional security for her. Her husband being the one out will probably get her back because he's not in her space. You should be sleeping in another room or the couch. Or your own house. I'm sure your daughter would be fine overnight without you there. Did you ever stop to think her allowing you to stay there may be to incite jealousy in her husband?

Hey. Yeah, it's me again. He is not happy that I am there and I'd always asking when I am going to be going home. I am there for our daughter. I actually left for a few nights last week and then she asked me of I wanted to come back so I did not have to be in the same house as my current wife. So, I went back. The nights I wasn't there, he came over and spent the night. They text all day and night still. She was so sure a month ago that she was leaving him and now she doesn't know. I try to give her the space she wants even with me being there with her but she will ask me if I want to sleep with her and of course I say yes, because I do want to. She told me he wants to come over tonight to snuggle with her, and that makes me lose my mind. She knows how I feel, so I don't have to keep telling her, but it is just so tough on me. I feel myself slipping into anxieties and depression about it all. I even contacted a psychic about it all. She said that she sees us back together and to just be patient. Idk, I am at my wits end with it all.

Oooooh! Lord! No! He's there when you're not???? I think what she needs is an open marraige.

This has to be killing you. Why put yourself through this pain? Don't say love, because sometimes that isn't enough.

She's not respecting herself, nor you. I get that you have kids and you're trying to be there, but idk. I don't see this working in your favor. I'm sorry :(

OP, you're being used as an emotional crutch to fill in for her husband. It's obvious she is not over him.

 

And please, don't fall for psychics. It's babble for entertainment value, designed to tell you what you want to hear so you keep paying. Heck, one told me I would go back to this specific ex one day. Little did she know, he'd been deceased for 5 years by that point. It's not to be taken seriously.

Oooooh! Lord! No! He's there when you're not???? I think what she needs is an open marraige.

This has to be killing you. Why put yourself through this pain? Don't say love, because sometimes that isn't enough.

She's not respecting herself, nor you. I get that you have kids and you're trying to be there, but idk. I don't see this working in your favor. I'm sorry :(

Yeah. He is coming over tonight for a little bit too. It is killing me. Love is exactly what it is. I cant explain what it is that I feel for her. Idk how much more I can take though. I asked her earlier today if she could just not have him come over while I am staying there, she said "I guess" but he is still coming tonight. She doesn't ask him to come over, he always asks. She did tell him no on Saturday. Idk. She says he heart knows where it wants to be and that is with me. I am literally losing my mind!

Okay - first of alll

you need to NOT be sleeping in the same bed.

Second of all, you do not need to live there to Be there for your daughter.

you can come up with a plan where she is never alone - she is at school, counseling or with one of you or a designated trusted adult that is approved by you (her music instructor, your parents, someone who is on board in her healing).

 

If you moved back in and are sleeping with mom, maybe she feels that what she did has worked to bring you back together. kids OFTEN have the fantasy of their parents getting back together. I am not saying that she self harmed to do so AT ALL - but it is going to be even more disruptive for her the fact that you are acting married but married to others.

 

So you need to move out. Stay on the sofa or guest room when your ex-wife is going to be away for the night on a business trip or out late. But you should not be playing house

She's playing you both. Like I said earlier, she'd do better with an open marraige.

If she knows she wants to be with you, he wouldn't be there. They don't have kids together. Those are your kids.

Yeah. He is coming over tonight for a little bit too. It is killing me. Love is exactly what it is. I cant explain what it is that I feel for her. Idk how much more I can take though. I asked her earlier today if she could just not have him come over while I am staying there, she said "I guess" but he is still coming tonight. She doesn't ask him to come over, he always asks. She did tell him no on Saturday. Idk. She says he heart knows where it wants to be and that is with me. I am literally losing my mind!

 

That guy is her husband! you are out of your mind to think that if you snuggle in bed with her, you get her. If you want her back at all, she needs to be divorced from husband #2 and you also have to not be so readily available and not be such a doormat. you should be communicating about the kids only. She says her heart knows what it wants, but she is A MARRIED WOMAN married to ANOTHER MAN - and until she divorces him IF she does -- her "heart" doesn't want you. Right now, you are fully accepting your role as fall back guy

She's playing you both. Like I said earlier, she'd do better with an open marraige.

If she knows she wants to be with you, he wouldn't be there. They don't have kids together. Those are your kids.

I agree with you. I do not know why I haven't been able to let go.

 

An open marriage isn't her thing at all. Maybe it is, idk, I am not sure what I know anymore.

That guy is her husband! you are out of your mind to think that if you snuggle in bed with her, you get her. If you want her back at all, she needs to be divorced from husband #2 and you also have to not be so readily available and not be such a doormat. you should be communicating about the kids only. She says her heart knows what it wants, but she is A MARRIED WOMAN married to ANOTHER MAN - and until she divorces him IF she does -- her "heart" doesn't want you. Right now, you are fully accepting your role as fall back guy

I agree with you. Her and I do connect on all levels though. Idk what she is going to do in regards to her husband, I am just expressing how I feel. I guess I am accepting my role as fall back guy. Hard to swallow.

I agree with you. I do not know why I haven't been able to let go.

 

An open marriage isn't her thing at all. Maybe it is, idk, I am not sure what I know anymore.

 

But on the other hand WHERE IS YOUR WIFE??

 

Maybe you need to move back to your place and say that you will be there for her daughter, but you cannot cheat on your wife and she cannot cheat on her husband.

 

You need to sort out your own marriage whether that leads to divorce or reconciliation and she needs to do the same. As long as you are both married to other people, any "my heart wants us" is rubbish

But on the other hand WHERE IS YOUR WIFE??

 

Maybe you need to move back to your place and say that you will be there for her daughter, but you cannot cheat on your wife and she cannot cheat on her husband.

 

You need to sort out your own marriage whether that leads to divorce or reconciliation and she needs to do the same. As long as you are both married to other people, any "my heart wants us" is rubbish

My wife moved out. There is nobody staying at my house right now. It is our daughter, not just hers. Even when I move back home, I will have to be here every evening with our daughters so it is just a thing that will not stop. The pain will not stop.

 

I have no desire to reconcile with my wife. No doubt in my mind about that. I've wanted out for a while and there is nothing that would make me stay

I agree with you. I do not know why I haven't been able to let go.

 

An open marriage isn't her thing at all. Maybe it is, idk, I am not sure what I know anymore.

 

I advised you a while ago not to do this, but okay, it's your life and you have to do what's right for you, but I'm telling you again, as a woman, she's playing this. She has you hooked emotionally. She knows you love her. She knows you want her. She also knows she has her husband wrapped. Think of how confusing this must be for your children.

I advised you a while ago not to do this, but okay, it's your life and you have to do what's right for you, but I'm telling you again, as a woman, she's playing this. She has you hooked emotionally. She knows you love her. She knows you want her. She also knows she has her husband wrapped. Think of how confusing this must be for your children.

I know it is confusing for the children but they love having "our family" back together in the same house.

 

You did advise me a while ago, and I really was doing good with it all, then 2 weeks or so ago, everything just changed and I was no longer able to hold back. I have probably ruined any chance I had at getting her back

I know it is confusing for the children but they love having "our family" back together in the same house.

 

You did advise me a while ago, and I really was doing good with it all, then 2 weeks or so ago, everything just changed and I was no longer able to hold back. I have probably ruined any chance I had at getting her back

 

Most of us fall before we learn. I do it too. I know in your heart you want her, and I get wanting your family together, believe me. I know the turmoil and pain it can cause for kids. I'm a Children's advocate when I'm not doing my nursing job because of what my own daughter went through when I left her dad. I felt I could give back by taking the pain we had and put it to good use for others. It helped me get beyond it. Best thing is get your kids in therapy and you and your ex need to make a decision.

 

I told you already that she sees you as easy and available when you do this, and that will not force her to make a decision.

I really can't imagine what it must be like for your kids to not know if when they go home, daddy or step daddy is going to be there. I mean that's insanely confusing. And I'm sorry I don't want to sound judgemental, but she should not have either of you spending the night. You have girls. What is that teaching them? They might latch on to boys that disrespect them because they are seeing it. They see their mom not having nor showing respect. I'm sorry I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just giving you some food for thought.

My wife moved out. There is nobody staying at my house right now. It is our daughter, not just hers. Even when I move back home, I will have to be here every evening with our daughters so it is just a thing that will not stop. The pain will not stop.

 

I have no desire to reconcile with my wife. No doubt in my mind about that. I've wanted out for a while and there is nothing that would make me stay

 

Then YOU stay in YOUR house and then you take your daughter to YOUR house some of the evenings or if you have to go to your ex's house to be with your daughter while your ex is out for a reasonable reason (a class or work - not for social reasons), then you go over there and you leave once your ex returns.

 

If you don't want to reconcile with your wife, then divorce. But it doesn't guarantee that you will get back with your ex.

Okay - first of alll

you need to NOT be sleeping in the same bed.

Second of all, you do not need to live there to Be there for your daughter.

you can come up with a plan where she is never alone - she is at school, counseling or with one of you or a designated trusted adult that is approved by you (her music instructor, your parents, someone who is on board in her healing).

 

If you moved back in and are sleeping with mom, maybe she feels that what she did has worked to bring you back together. kids OFTEN have the fantasy of their parents getting back together. I am not saying that she self harmed to do so AT ALL - but it is going to be even more disruptive for her the fact that you are acting married but married to others.

 

So you need to move out. Stay on the sofa or guest room when your ex-wife is going to be away for the night on a business trip or out late. But you should not be playing house

She doesn't know about what is going on between her mom and I. My oldest daughter isn't mine. I have raised her since she was 1 year old. I am the only Dad she has ever known and she recently told her biological father that she wants me to adopt her, so, I am planning on doing that as soon as possible. He agreed to let it happen. She actually wants her mom to work things out with her husband, so that is not a motivation for her to do any of the things she has done.

 

I know I need to move out, and I need to do it soon. I usually go down the couch I am sleeping on when it is time for bed. She usually sends me a text asking or telling me that I can sleep in bed with her if I want to. That's the thing I cant fight, I always want to we didn't have sex for a few weeks, but last night we did. Idk, I feel like she is on the fence for what she wants to do and I know I need to back way off to give her the space she needs. I could do this with any other person, but with her, I am not able to.

You already know what to do but you refuse to do it.

 

You can start 100 threads asking this same question and the advice will be the same. Will you continue to refuse to follow it? If so, why keep asking?

It's not going to help the children to see both you and their step-dad in and out of their house on a rotational basis, OP.

 

This isn't what's best for them whatsoever. The fact that three grown adults cannot see that is mind-blowing.

You already know what to do but you refuse to do it.

 

You can start 100 threads asking this same question and the advice will be the same. Will you continue to refuse to follow it? If so, why keep asking?

I am not sure how to access my old thread, so I started a new one. You are right, I know what I need to do. I really do need to do it, I just get this feeling in my stomach that stops me.

It's not going to help the children to see both you and their step-dad in and out of their house on a rotational basis, OP.

 

This isn't what's best for them whatsoever. The fact that three grown adults cannot see that is mind-blowing.

I know and completely understand and agree with you. I will be moving back home shortly. It just gets hard because they don't want me to move back home. They want me there.