baby mama

my fiancee and I been dating for 4 years. I was aware that he takes care of his baby momma but it didn't bother me as much as it did now. Since they have two children together I know it's normal . Now it's just too much, the mother barely work , she is lazy . My fiancee takes care of her completely pays for her house which is $1500 a month and all the utilities and food that you can think of. He pays for her insurance car and health. money if she needs to go shopping or buy something from the store. She is a 100% depending on him. he says he's been doing this for 17 years for her . No , his baby mom does not have any dissabilty . their youngest daughter is 7 and the mother is 37 years old. .. My fiancee and I work very hard 7 days a week and most times 12 hours shifts . I feel like I'm working to take care of his baby momma . A lot of women have children and still work. why can't she? not to mention the oldest is 16. I'm not sure I can do it. excuse my english since its not my first language

what's your advice for someone In this situation ?

Yikes. I would not marry someone in this situation. Marriage will mean joining of finances, and that would be a bad move for you.

Yes, he has a responsibility to his share of childcare costs. Does he pay for her living costs by choice or is this an alimony situation? Either way, it would not be in line with my personal values. I strongly believe in women being responsible for their own livihood and their share of any children they choose to have, and it would not work for me personally to be with a man who believes otherwise.

He's been doing this for 17 years. I would not expect change, but that this will be a part of your life until she dies if you are to stay.

Why does it bother you more now than when you first got together? You knew that was his situation when you first got together, didn't you? You chose to be with him anyway, so any problems you have with it are on you at this point. He's either paying for her expenses because of spousal and/or child support, or he's doing it out of free will which is his prerogative to give his children a better life (as frustrating as it is to think of her getting a free ride out of it). Also, It sounds like he works for the money that goes towards her, so why do you feel like it's your money going to her? There's nothing you can really do about it except for change your perspective and be okay with it, or choose not to be in the relationship at all if it really is too much for you.

With respect to the wellbeing and stability of his children, why she doesn't work is irrelevant. Fact is, she doesn't. It's unfortunate that financial abuse like this can manifest itself well beyond a marriage's dissolution, but it's a difficult situation for him to build boundaries around. Child support is inherently a trickle-down system, so he's likely seeing any subsidy to her livelihood as having a residual and positive implication for his children. Now, you can agree or disagree with the efficacy, but I'd try not to narrowly attribute it to him paying for her this or her that. Fact is his kids live under that roof just as well.

Now, are you in fact paying for his children? By that, I mean is he not pitching in equitably toward rent or whatever expense as a result of his financial contributions to ex and children? Or do you see it as a burden on joint financial goals?

It's quite fair if you don't see this as a sustainable dynamic for your own future, especially considering you're potentially looking at another 11 years if his youngest is 7. It's a hard question to ask. If you two are scheduled to get married, you should be pursuing premarital counseling, and that'd be so even if everything was 100% amazing. That would be a brilliant time to broach an issue like this.

Why are you dating a man in this type of financial situation if you are planning to have a future together? He's not going to stop supporting her, so you better think twice about getting married. I don't know the laws there but in most circumstances when you marry your assets are combined so there might be a possibility she can ask for more money.

Unfortunately, you seem to have known about this for a while. So while I understand your frustration, it's not as though you didn't know about it before now. Correct? If so, were you hoping he would suddenly stop financially supporting her?

I would not marry a man in this position. I applaud him for supporting his children, but supporting his ex to this extent would not work for me.

How come it just now started bothering you?

What are the arrangement with dissolution of the divorce? Was this part of the divorce agreement? Child support is a given, but allimony is less and less prevalent (as I understand it), but if this is what the courts said, this is what he does. He can go back to court to re-asses, but this could also result in having to pay more. It's important that the woman can sustain on her own; she can't rely on that child support forever, but if she has never worked and this was their arrangement premarriage, it may not be something that can be changed. He might be well-served with hiring a mediator to assist with some financial boundaries...I don't really know. But the reality is, you're with a man who has financial obligations and it will affect you, your life, your finances, and your ability to provide for your own children when they make their way into the picture. You need to think long and hard on if you want to maintain this relationship with the financial burden it entails and the fact you think the mother is a lazy mooch. She has exhibited no desire to go to school, get a job, a better job or anything of the like. I understand you didn't understand the full scope of his support of her in the beginning, and now you are very aware and it's affecting you to a degree you think is unreasonable, and you have to decide if it's going to work for you in the future. His obligation first and foremost is to his children, and you should appreciate that more than find it troublesome...it's the other seemingly excessive financial support that bothers me, but that's up to him to change and go to court over, etc. When you get married and blend finances, if you haven't already, your income, your combined income, will be going towards this other family. It won't go away, so you need to make choices on if this relationship is sustainable.

my fiancee and I been dating for 4 years. I was aware that he takes care of his baby momma but it didn't bother me as much as it did now. Since they have two children together I know it's normal . Now it's just too much, the mother barely work , she is lazy . My fiancee takes care of her completely pays for her house which is $1500 a month and all the utilities and food that you can think of. He pays for her insurance car and health. money if she needs to go shopping or buy something from the store. She is a 100% depending on him. he says he's been doing this for 17 years for her . No , his baby mom does not have any dissabilty . their youngest daughter is 7 and the mother is 37 years old. .. My fiancee and I work very hard 7 days a week and most times 12 hours shifts . I feel like I'm working to take care of his baby momma . A lot of women have children and still work. why can't she? not to mention the oldest is 16. I'm not sure I can do it. excuse my english since its not my first language

what's your advice for someone In this situation ?

She's not going to work because she doesn't have to. She's got you two paying her way in this world. Why would she change up her gravy train?

My advice is unless he is going to go after sole/primary custody of his two children, leave him alone and find a man who either has no children, grown children or a babymama/ex who works to support her children like a responsible parent is supposed to. There is not enough love in the world that will leap the anger and resentment divide over forking over your hard earned pay so she can sit on her behind like a welfare queen.

it didn't bother me as much because when and my fiancee first started dating things wasn't as serious as it is now . He kept saying that he will find something for her to do. Now that our finances are tied together it bothers me . I work long hours while she's laying in bed .

he's doing it because it doesn't want his children to be without a mother which is understandable. it didn't bother me as much because we lived in separate household and my finances were not tied with my fiancee. Now that we decided to get married and I have access to all of his account so yes it bothers me . In a month she spends close to $1200 in groceries. I work really hard while another woman is laying comfortable in her bed and not doing anything to contribute.

Firstly, she is not a "baby momma" - she has several children with him over a 9 year span. She is the ex-wife or ex-girlfriend and the mother of his children. This was a longterm, mutual relationship - not a one night stand.

The house is him putting over a roof over the head of HIS CHILDREN unless he decides to push for 50-50 custody or primary custody where he would house them himself.

it didn't bother me as much because when and my fiancee first started dating things wasn't as serious as it is now . He kept saying that he will find something for her to do. Now that our finances are tied together it bothers me . I work long hours while she's laying in bed .

He is not her parent. he should not "find something for her to do" - he should teach his kids to be independent as they grow.

he's doing it because it doesn't want his children to be without a mother which is understandable. it didn't bother me as much because we lived in separate household and my finances were not tied with my fiancee. Now that we decided to get married and I have access to all of his account so yes it bothers me . In a month she spends close to $1200 in groceries. I work really hard while another woman is laying comfortable in her bed and not doing anything to contribute.

I think that you should go to premarital counseling and i think he needs to go back to the mediator and firm up exactly what he gives her a month instead of just giving money freely so as not to totally bankrupt you. If he will not get this handled legally -- get an agreed to amount and stick with it -then i would not marry him. Who owns the house? did he set her up in it and it really belongs to him? Does it belong to both? her?

If he pays her $1500 for housing and $1200 for groceries, that is at least $2700 a month. What is left over for himself? i am sure he pays incidental school expenses and such as well. Is this officially counted on his taxes as child support paid, etc. as income going out?

Since you dated him accepting this arrangement, aside from requesting that he make a formal agreement so there is a limit to his giving, you have to decide whether you are okay with the arrangement or not...and if you are not...then do not under any circumstances marry him!!

it didn't bother me as much because when and my fiancee first started dating things wasn't as serious as it is now . He kept saying that he will find something for her to do. Now that our finances are tied together it bothers me . I work long hours while she's laying in bed .

Untie this and quickly, unless you're good with working long hours while she's laying in bed. For the rest of her life.

He is not in a position to be engaged to anyone--he's got a colossal mess he has refused to clean up with regards to his chidren's mother. He's not going to "find something for her to do"... that's up to her and she's not inclined.