First Date

I recently met a woman through Facebook, we both have a lot of mutual friends. We started speaking and found we have so much in common and made each other feel so comfortable over the phone that we felt we had already been in a relationship for months. She said this. The first night we spoke for 6 hours straight. We made arrangements to have a night dinner at her place where I spent the night last night. One thing I must say is that she is definitely not a tramp. She is a very nice, very sweet down to earth person who believes in the simple life at home and wanted to have a nice quiet evening together with drinks, movies and cuddling. All went well. She was very hospitable. We kissed a little, but that was it. When we went to bed she kept on long pants. I know she just wanted to be held, which I told her I appreciated the fact that she held off my advances. I wasn't overly aggressive during the night, but she knew I was in that mood (if you know what I mean). I was trying not to push the envelope. There was a little nudging during the night, I told her even though it was driving me crazy I appreciated that she was being a lady. When we woke up in the morning we had some coffee, then I had to leave because I had other commitments and so did she. She didn't divulge what, only that her girlfriend was coming over and they were going out. She knew I was going over my moms because I'd told her. She kissed me a couple of times as I was leaving and said we'll talk later. After I left my plans fell through, so I texted her back to let her know and she said 'Ah, gotcha, ok, well be careful driving', then I replied with 'thanks babe, almost home. I had a great time last night. You're a true lady. I appreciate everything. Have fun today. :-), her response: And thank you for coming over and all you brought with you (firelogs, wine, movies and flowers). I appreciate it. Thank you, hope you have a good day too. :-)

What struck me is that she didn't say she had a great time as well. Maybe she thinks I was a little too pre-occupied with trying to make love? She and I had talked about the possibility of sex and while our conversations were suggestive (she knew she was getting me going and was giggly about it), she hinted that's not there shouldn't be any guarantees of it, to which I concurred. I'm not sure what to make of her response since she didn't reciprocate that she had a great time as well. I hope she didn't think I was being too pushy.

Instead of wondering why not ask her out on another date and this time make it a public date. I am really surprised you would describe this woman as "definitely not a tramp" -the implication is that you have some mindset that women you encounter on facebook or on line must be "tramps?" Is it because she invited you over to her place for a first meet (which to me is quite risky and dangerous on her part) - and since you went does that mean she should wonder if you were the male equivalent of a tramp?

Instead of wondering why not ask her out on another date and this time make it a public date. I am really surprised you would describe this woman as "definitely not a tramp" -the implication is that you have some mindset that women you encounter on facebook or on line must be "tramps?" Is it because she invited you over to her place for a first meet (which to me is quite risky and dangerous on her part) - and since you went does that mean she should wonder if you were the male equivalent of a tramp?

There wasn't any implication meant. I was just stating a fact, that she's really nice. There are good and bad people on Facebook. How is this relevant to what I asked? I was just curious about whether or not she thinks I may have been too forward. She's very smart, trust me. We're both good people. She would never consider it with anyone else. That's what she told me. We just connected on a very deep level on every subject.

I think you may be overthinking it a bit and may be focused too much on semantics.

Her reply texts were very nice and sounded like she was into you.

I wouldn't worry about it, but I will say that if this bothers you, next time you two meet you can briefly apologize if you came on a bit too strong, just to clear the air.

There wasn't any implication meant. I was just stating a fact, that she's really nice. There are good and bad people on Facebook. How is this relevant to what I asked? I was just curious about whether or not she thinks I may have been too forward. She's very smart, trust me. We're both good people. She would never consider it with anyone else. That's what she told me. We just connected on a very deep level on every subject.

It's quite strange to comment on how nice a woman is by writing that she wasn't a tramp. And how is it relevant - if that is really your mindset - that is how it occurs to you to describe a woman -perhaps that attitude came through in the way you spoke about all those subjects and about sex. Perhaps you made other comments in the same vein that made her concerned about your attitude towards women. You met this person once and you barely know her and you are talking about her as if you've known her a long time -again, that might have been overwhelming to her. Also, since she invited a near stranger to her home the first time she met it's quite possible she simply enjoys hanging out and hooking up as a one nighter -her choice as a single adult.

I think it's weird how you keep praising her for "being a lady". It's kind of creepy. She can have sex if she wants or not. It does not affect her value as a person if she has sex on the first date. That seems to be a large focus of your post and I think that's why Batya brought it up too. I wouldn't want to see a guy again who said that I'm a "true lady", what does that even mean?

That being said I do think she had a good time and just because she didn't express it the same way you did is no reason to freak out. Ask her out on a real date and see what she says. Then you'll know.

I think you may be overthinking it a bit and may be focused too much on semantics.

 

Her reply texts were very nice and sounded like she was into you.

 

I wouldn't worry about it, but I will say that if this bothers you, next time you two meet you can briefly apologize if you came on a bit too strong, just to clear the air.

Thank you! :-)

I think it's weird how you keep praising her for "being a lady". It's kind of creepy. She can have sex if she wants or not. It does not affect her value as a person if she has sex on the first date. That seems to be a large focus of your post and I think that's why Batya brought it up too. I wouldn't want to see a guy again who said that I'm a "true lady", what does that even mean?

 

That being said I do think she had a good time and just because she didn't express it the same way you did is no reason to freak out. Ask her out on a real date and see what she says. Then you'll know.

All it shows is that she wants to take her time and not rush into anything, which is commendable. I wasn't trying to imply anything to those who do the opposite. There are some 'ladies' who feel that making love on the first date is okay, and that's fine. It's just in my particular case the one's that I dated ended up being lyers and cheaters. Not everyone is like that, I understand. Thank you for what you said about her having a good time. I hope so. :-)

TBH I think you are getting way too invested. You barely know this woman...she is a total stranger, and even if she held off on having sex, that is no way to tell that she's an honest person. She could be bat-crap cray cray. Or she likes to take advantage of lonely guys like you to get free stuff, with some attention. You'd be silly not to approach this with some caution. If I were you I would ask the mutual friends what she's all about.

TBH I think you are getting way too invested. You barely know this woman...she is a total stranger, and even if she held off on having sex, that is no way to tell that she's an honest person. She could be bat-crap cray cray. Or she likes to take advantage of lonely guys like you to get free stuff, with some attention. You'd be silly not to approach this with some caution. If I were you I would ask the mutual friends what she's all about.

Well taken and agreed. She is well liked on FB and she appears to be on the up and up, but you're right, anything's possible.

Ask her over to your place for dinner and see what happens....make it like a romantic picnic on the floor of the living room.

Ask her over to your place for dinner and see what happens....make it like a romantic picnic on the floor of the living room.

If it ever gets that far. I just IM'd her and I noticed she went online twice, but didn't reply back to my message for awhile, and when she did she was short and aloof in her response. All she said when I left her place this morning is that she's going out with a gf of hers. Of course it's none of my business how she's spending her day since I only first met her, but to me anyone who isn't willing to give detail doesn't care all that much. Just my observation. Not getting a good feeling about her level of interest at this point, unfortunately. I told her all the events by me are cancelled because of bad weather and I'm stuck home, but screw it, I'm going out...somewhere.

Funny, but after I got home from her place I read a Buddah meme she put up that said 'Maturity is learning to walk away from people and situations that threaten your peace of mind, self respect, values, morals and self worth' just 2 hours after arriving at her house last night. It's strange because she was with me the entire time and never saw her on her phone. She says she kept it off while I'm there. I saw it when I got home and saw responses to it, but then it just disappeared. I don't know if she deleted it (which I highly doubt) or if she hid it from me. I can't say whether or not it pertains to me. It's just odd that she would hide it.

I get the sense that she probably wanted more than just cuddling… Maybe she picked up on your energy and comments around being a ‘lady’ for not coming on to you and so was put off, or was worried you might judge her for

wanting more.

You get to have your values and beliefs in this area but it sounds like this woman wants no part of it and is not interested in moving forward.

You two just met! How is she supposed to "care that much" and why should she have to give you "details" of how she's spending her day after ONE date?

Do you consider her in a relationship with you?

I get the sense that she probably wanted more than just cuddling… Maybe she picked up on your energy and comments around being a ‘lady’ for not coming on to you and so was put off, or was worried you might judge her for

wanting more.

 

You get to have your values and beliefs in this area but it sounds like this woman wants no part of it and is not interested in moving forward.

That isn't it. I didn't mention the 'lady' thing until after the date. I tried to be with her, but she wasn't going for it. I'm sure it's the fact that I tried to be with her that put her off. After I left her place she said we'd talk tonight (like we've been doing every night for hours) and gave me two kisses when I left, but when I IM'd her today all I got was brief courtesy responses. After the date I told her I was stuck at home because of the weather and all she said was 'Yep, it's coming down'. Then after a few hours I told her I was going out for a bit and if she was still out to be safe and I got no response. A few hours after that at 8:23pm I asked her if everything was okay and I got another 'Yep, still with my friend', to which I replied okay and voiced my concern about being too forward instead of holding back. It's 10:49pm now and she has to get up for work in the morning so I doubt she's still out because she doesn't stay out late on worknights. She never read my last message and it shows she hasn't been online. Every night for the past week we talked or texted during the weekdays and talked as soon as we both got off work till we went to bed. Now after the date I'm getting these courtesy responses and she just dropped off the radar without even a goodnight though she says everything's okay. I don't know what's going on, but apparently she's too busy doing whatever she's doing to care, so screw it.

She sounds like a good and healthy person to be around, and I'm glad you guys enjoyed each others' company and have started things off well. Her texts sound very positive to me. If you keep treating her like a lady, you will likely find her treating you like a gentleman in return. As I've found in the past, different girls simply have different boundaries that you need to respect and talk about openly from time to time. Back when we were dating, my wife once confronted me that she felt I was being too physical with our amount of kissing, and while it upset me at the time, I now respect her very much for letting me know and caring enough about our relationship to not let something like that ruin it.

Do you think it would be helpful to apologize and physically back off a little bit the next time you see her? If so, it may increase her respect for you and ensure that the two of you are moving along at a healthy relational pace before jumping to anything else. Hoping things continue to go well!

How come "I'd love to see you again" was not mentioned in your text?

I replied with 'thanks babe, almost home. I had a great time last night. You're a true lady. I appreciate everything. Have fun today.What struck me is that she didn't say she had a great time as well.

Funny, but after I got home from her place I read a Buddah meme she put up that said 'Maturity is learning to walk away from people and situations that threaten your peace of mind, self respect, values, morals and self worth' just 2 hours after arriving at her house last night. It's strange because she was with me the entire time and never saw her on her phone. She says she kept it off while I'm there. I saw it when I got home and saw responses to it, but then it just disappeared. I don't know if she deleted it (which I highly doubt) or if she hid it from me. I can't say whether or not it pertains to me. It's just odd that she would hide it.

It's not odd at all. You are really, really overthinking and trying to read her mind. If you want to know how she feels, ask her out again. She will say yes, or she will say no.