Sex dwindling..

Guys/girls, quick question ; How do you know, if ever, when your other half is no longer/(a lot less) interested in sex?

Me and my gf have been together for over a year. Both of us have/had relatively high sex drives, but in the last 3/4 months, I've noticed changes, albeit slight and subtle.

- She rarely initiates. Not that she used to a lot anyway, but it's alllllwaaays me. It would be nice for her to grab the bull and all that...

-Very little/next to no foreplay from her end, when in the past it was relatively often(ish)

-No desire to show much affection that could lead to sex, i.e., massage, talk etc etc.

-and no talk of sex, as though she seems fairly happy with how it is..

This all equates to us having sex around once a week if that, which for me, is a tad infuriating. The number of times isn't the major thing though, as the number itself doesn't dictate quality of sex..it's the utter lack of sexual effort from her that is starting to bother me. She seems content with once a week and then penning me in her diary for the upcoming week(s) almost like a routinely meeting..yawn.

Add all this together and I have thrown little hints kind of like light hearted banter into conversations like the other week I said, ' How comes you don't wear any sexy lingerie or make much of an effort in regards to me?'. She bluntly replied 'Why would I want to make an effort to be sexy? You already find me sexy because we've been together a year and I know you love me'. Almost as though she's so arrogant and content right now, why should she change it up a tad? I found that comment selfish, lazy and to be blunt, boring and one sided.

I don't want to appear like 'that guy'. Seemingly obsessed with sex (because I'm not) and seedy (also not), but it's getting to the point now where the clear dip in not just sex/touching of any sexual nature, but in clear direct communication is frustrating me a lot.

are these signs she isn't attracted to me anymore? Or am I over thinking?

' How comes you don't wear any sexy lingerie or make much of an effort in regards to me?'

That would certainly put me off having sex with my partner. You might have different sex drives and now the novelty of exploring a new partner has worn off she has settled into a frequency that suits her. She may be on medication that dampens her sex drive or causes sexual dysfunction (most contraceptives and anti depressants/anti anxiety meds plus others).

Perhaps she went through a phase of disinterest and your subsequent “harassment” put her off even more. Maybe you are not very good in bed, maybe she likes different things to you or maybe she no longer finds you as attractive. You might be less affectionate and romantic than you used to be. She could well be infuriated at that?

Really it could be anything causing it and the right thing to do is open dialogue in an adult manner so that you can both discuss your needs. Have you even asked her what would make sex, foreplay, romance and affection more enjoyable for her?

I wouldn't ever state me poking about in a curious manner and asking her about lingerie ONCE would ever constitute any form of 'harassment', even together with comments of a 'banter' nature, which haven't occurred too many times either.

I've never opened up a clear dialgogue as in 'let's sit down and chat' no, but I've said stuff like 'do you feel like a sexual couple' and she said 'we're not a sexy couple, more like a married one', almost as though she was on my wavelength at that point, in not being entirely satisfied, but in a similar predicament to me as to being unsure how to move forward, together with stating herself to me 'you hardly want sex', which is like a mirroring effect..kinda.

Me being bad or good in bed is obviously a sore point if that were to be true, but given how, erm..satisfied she appeared at the start/just after the start, I fail to see what would have changed in there, if you get me..

I guess like you say, a clear and direct form of dialogue needs to be opened up to discover what I could do more, less or never do to make her happier.

The one thing she HAS said I don't do is kiss her enough, stating I never want to kiss her.. would this be an answer..

Asking this - ' How comes you don't wear any sexy lingerie or make much of an effort in regards to me?' - isn't light-hearted banter. This is likely part of the reason why you didn't get a response you wanted to hear. Phrasing your question that way would get most people's defenses up, so it's no wonder she fired back equally strongly.

I agree you have a problem, but the way you approached it isn't going to yield the results you're seeking. You need to use a different tone, one that suggests you love when she does X, Y or Z, and can't wait for her to do it again. See what happens. Instead of pointing out her shortcomings and your apparent unhappiness, try emphasizing what you do like and how much it drives you crazy when she does it. At the same time, you need to do a little more digging to identify what she likes in the bedroom. Perhaps you're not doing it for her in some way, either. If she's telling you that she would like more kissing, listen and follow through. Many of us ladies want that romance outside the bedroom too - is that still present? Do you sometimes just grab her for a cuddle and plant one on her? Kiss her on the forehead after a hug? Sneak up behind her and kiss her neck?

If that doesn't help, then an open talk is in order. This might just be the frequency she's comfortable with, now that the honeymoon sparks have died down. You're not wrong to want more sexual activity, but she isn't wrong to not have the same drive either. This could be a sexual incompatibility you're only noticing now that you're settling in as a couple.

I've always said...make love to my MIND before you make love to my body! I don't think guys get this. And yes....kissing falls into that category. Make her feel sexy. And maybe make date nights special. Don't be like an old married couple ...ugh. Keep the love and sex alive by being loving and sexy yourself. Rather than blaming her for not being/initiating sex...get her revved up throughout the day...with things you did while you were dating.

Yes, as time goes on,....sex can get a little ho-hum. And hopefully she isn't losing interest. Date her, romance her, make her feel like a sexual person...and a good talk will help too.

I would say that you don't want to lose the romance in the relationship, and that you DID love that sexy part of her...and you miss it.

Good luck.

Haha...I was trying to say what MissCanuck said. She said it much better....

The thing is, even though the lingerie-statement was supposed to sound like banter, she might have perceived as accusation (which it was). I believe a different approach would be better: Don't make it about what you want her to do to make you happy, try to make her happy. She used to give you more attention when you started dating, but didn't you also put in more effort? Try to recreate that, give her more compliments, make surprise dinners or weekend trips and stuff like that. While the "not kissing enough" statement is about kissing, it is probably also about wanting more romance. So start with that, try to not make it about what she can do for you, but what you can do for her. If you're a great boyfriend and make her happy, she'll likely reciprocate ;)

I don't think guys get this. .

You can never really bring this up with a woman in conversation, it'll solve nothing.

Check in with yourself, is there anything you can improve? Could you go to the gym more? Lessen the alcohol? Have you got comfortable in the relationship or are you still dating and courting her? Always give this a try first.

If your working towards your best and she still isn't responding, then you must leave her.

r350,

I understand your issue, my fiance and I are having a similar one. Our rolls are reversed though... I want sex, and he doesn't, or says he does... but is busy, sleepy, or hurting too much (even though I do all the work). Sex is becoming more of a tool to get off then something intimate, and satisfying. Maybe this is your gf's problem. How do/did you react when she does try to initiate? Or maybe she just likes the feeling of you wanting her, and that's why she likes when you initiate. However, if you want her to initiate, talk about it. tell her you don't mind initiating, but would really love it if you switched those rolls every once in a while.