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Faith and children - can I move forward with him?


deedee911

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Hi all;

 

I have been dating. Online dating and honestly I've met great guys. One in particular- he's not the kind of guy I typically go for but he has been a very nice surprise. The only two things are his faith and children.

 

1. He doesn't believe in God and I do. I go to church every Sunday but I don't consider myself religious. I have always been a spiritual person and like church for the community and teachings. I have always been open to beliefs and life so I never think my way is the right way and everyone else is wrong. But for him not to believe their is a God? I always imagined that I would be married to a man that isn't super religious but to at least share my faith.

 

2. He doesn't know if he wants children. I'm not dead set on having children but I am leaning towards wanting them in a few years. I am 33 so it's not like I have lots of time anyways...

 

I want to get to know him because he is a great guy in all other respects but not sure if these things will be deal breakers down the road. Advice ?

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My in-laws have been married almost 60 years now. My mother-in-law is religious and my father-in-law is not . She doesn’t bother him about it and he doesn’t bother her . They are completely at peace about that . Their children were raised in my mother-in-law‘s faith. Their system of respecting each other‘s believe has worked out great for them.

 

My husband and I belong to the same faith and raised our child that way . He is an adult now and still remains in his faith.

 

As you don’t even know this fellow yet I would not put the cart ahead of the horse . Just get to know him first before adding complicated issues .

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How long have you been dating? You can not push your faith on anyone. Either you share some beliefs or are Both open to compromise or not. Either you date guys with your faith or you change your criteria. Either you date guys anxious to get married and start families or you change your criteria. Why not get to know him rather than bring the husband checklist on dates. He didn't ask you to marry him, don't try to convert him and he's not in a rush to start a family. You may not like each other or get along down the road.

he's not the kind of guy I typically go for but he has been a very nice surprise. The only two things are his faith and children. I always imagined that I would be married to a man that isn't super religious but to at least share my faith. I want to get to know him because he is a great guy in all other respects but not sure if these things will be deal breakers down the road. Advice ?
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Wiseman- I'm not pushing my faith on anyone nor do I believe in doing that. And we ARE getting to know each other and as such we are BOTH talking about important matters first to see if we want to continue that is how you get to know someone isn't it?

 

Seraphim - I like what you said about respecting each other's beliefs. If there is one thing I've learned in dating it is to meet the person where the are at and I can't change them ever. It's more like we are each living our lives but sharing it. Not the other way around were we have to meld to be happy. I love who I am and wouldn't want to change me not would i want anyone to judge me based on my beliefs. He could have easily thought I was a very religious person and decided he didn't want to get to know me before actually getting to know me. Do you think it made you happier that your husband shares the same beliefs? If so How?

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Wiseman- I'm not pushing my faith on anyone nor do I believe in doing that. And we ARE getting to know each other and as such we are BOTH talking about important matters first to see if we want to continue that is how you get to know someone isn't it?

 

Seraphim - I like what you said about respecting each other's beliefs. If there is one thing I've learned in dating it is to meet the person where the are at and I can't change them ever. It's more like we are each living our lives but sharing it. Not the other way around were we have to meld to be happy. I love who I am and wouldn't want to change me not would i want anyone to judge me based on my beliefs. He could have easily thought I was a very religious person and decided he didn't want to get to know me before actually getting to know me. Do you think it made you happier that your husband shares the same beliefs? If so How?

I think my in-laws are very special in that they are totally at peace with what they believe and have no interest in badgering the other to change or belittling the other’s beliefs.

 

My husband was raised in religion and I was not. When I met him he had already left his faith . He still believed but he was not a practising Catholic at that point anymore . I was baptized Catholic but not raised one. My mother left her faith shortly after I was born . However the faith still burned in my heart and I still yearned to follow it . When we were having our child was when I decided that we all had to return to our Faith. He agreed.

 

I think it’s easier that we both follow the same faith . There are no disagreements ,arguments ,challenges to child-rearing in that area . Personally, it makes our life more harmonious .

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I know plenty of men that don't believe in God and they are good people. I also know of some that do and they are not very nice. As long as you respect one another I don't see it as deal breaker. I remember a Jewish guy I really liked years ago that wouldn't date me unless I converted. I was like whoa I've known you for three months, slow that down. But I wasn't converting anyway. He wasn't willing to compromise so that was a deal breaker. I was raised Catholic and I'm not a die hard fan of it, but people from different religious backgrounds can make it work.

 

As far as kids, that's a bigger issue. Don't waste time waiting if you know you want them, with someone who isn't certain.

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Having a successful relationship though needs to be predicted on more than if someone is a “ nice person.”

 

Yes, and more so than just religion too. I threw that point in along with another poster because I know some religious people who believe atheists and agnostics are flawed and bad because they aren’t religious.

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Yes, and more so than just religion too. I threw that point in along with another poster because I know some religious people who believe atheists and agnostics are flawed and bad because they aren’t religious.

 

I don’t think that is the issue here though. I don’t think she believes he is flawed.

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Hi all;

 

I have been dating. Online dating and honestly I've met great guys. One in particular- he's not the kind of guy I typically go for but he has been a very nice surprise. The only two things are his faith and children.

 

1. He doesn't believe in God and I do. I go to church every Sunday but I don't consider myself religious. I have always been a spiritual person and like church for the community and teachings. I have always been open to beliefs and life so I never think my way is the right way and everyone else is wrong. But for him not to believe their is a God? I always imagined that I would be married to a man that isn't super religious but to at least share my faith.

 

2. He doesn't know if he wants children. I'm not dead set on having children but I am leaning towards wanting them in a few years. I am 33 so it's not like I have lots of time anyways...

 

I want to get to know him because he is a great guy in all other respects but not sure if these things will be deal breakers down the road. Advice ?

 

For me personally the big risk would be his stance on children, especially if you'd like to wait a few years -because in a few years you might need outside intervention to help you conceive and you want a partner who is enthusiastic about wanting children and ready to take on those potential challenges.

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As long as someone is not obsessed with his religion, I think everyone is fine. Does it matter if someone prays in a god or something? What matters is to not try to impose your religion/views on others. I am a hardcore atheist though and I tend to avoid religious people.

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See I think in this life i believe we are all doing the very best with what we have and what we know. I hate being judged and don't want anyone to judge me. My beliefs are unique to me. I've explored all faiths. Sat in Hindu temples, studied Buddhism, Islam and others. My belief exists between the relation of science and spirituality something the church doesn't discuss. Sometimes I feel like an outsider because my beliefs don't fit it a box. I like going to church for the community of people coming together. I chose Christianity because the beliefs of Jesus resonate with me and I find it a good way to live my life by. His truths are actually universal truths : love one another.

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I'm not sure what your concern is as far as his lack of belief in a deity. Care to elaborate a bit?

 

The issue of wanting children and he is on the fence with that - are you ok then with the prospect of not having children if you could have a loving long term relationship ? Which is most important to you? Or do you want both together and if you can't, you'd rather stay single until you can find that ?

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She already said she doesn’t do that.

 

But she also said they are universal. Universal implies truth.

 

If I was chatting to you (OP) online and you described yourself as Christian but non-religious, I would think that means church occasionally and religion is a take it or leave it thing in your life. That doesn’t seem true, so be sure you accurately present yourself.

 

Keep getting to know him, and ask him what he wants in terms of religion and kids. I, for instance, will not date anyone who expects kids to be brought up religiously. I would be fine somewhere in the middle - spouse attends church, children choose to attend or not - but otherwise it’s a dealbreaker for me.

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My husband and kids attended mass every Sunday while I stayed home and cleaned or did laundry. It wasn't a big deal. ONE time my MIL suggested I start attending mass. I politely said no thank you. It never came up again.

 

To me the kids thing is more concerning. If you truly want kids it would make sense to date a man who wants them also.

 

A friend of mine married a man who adamantly did NOT want any more kids. She has since regretted agreeing to not have them, but for her it's too late as she is nearly 50. Think hard about this.

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Children (wanting kids/not wanting kids) is a big thing in marriage -- marriages break up sometimes because one really wants kids and the other doesn't and they were afraid to leave/thought things would change and married them anyhow.

 

If you are 33 and he does not want children or is unsure, I would not move forward. If he were 19 and was not sure -- that is different, but at 33, as a woman, if you date someone a few years and then marry - well you will be 36-40 when you marry. Or you will break up before marriage -- trying to "make yourself not want kids" and then ultimately not being able to do so without resentment.

 

Its not the end of the line - there are many men in the 32 to 40 age group who *do* want children and they are sure of it.

 

 

I'm not sure what your concern is as far as his lack of belief in a deity. Care to elaborate a bit?

 

The issue of wanting children and he is on the fence with that - are you ok then with the prospect of not having children if you could have a loving long term relationship ? Which is most important to you? Or do you want both together and if you can't, you'd rather stay single until you can find that ?

 

You know what --- when choosing the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with -- its not discriminatory to want to marry someone whose beliefs are compatible with yours. We are not talking about rejecting someone as a friend because they believe differently. Yes, a marriage can last with two people who agree to disagree, but often the river runs deeper when you share the basics. you don't have to compartmentalize your faith with your friends and then go home to your spouse.

 

If he

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