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Thread: Did I suffer emotional abuse from my ex? How do I find self worth again?

  1. #1
    Member donkeys's Avatar
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    Did I suffer emotional abuse from my ex? How do I find self worth again?

    11 months ago I got dumped by my ex. It's taken a lot of suffering, but I can slowly feel myself starting to move on. I know now that I am no longer in love with her, even though I do still think of her often. Though my love for her has faded as time has passed, after much guidance and support from my loved ones (IE, them listening to me cry and moan about her for many months after our breakup nonstop), I believe now that I may have suffered horrible emotional abuse from her when we were together.

    I've never considered myself a master at relationships, she was only my second relationship ever, and though I knew what abuse in a relationship was and is for some reason it did not occur to me that the things she was saying and doing could be construed as abusive. It would bring me distress or hurt when she did these things, but she'd quickly make me forget by making me happy again soon after. Perhaps that's why I never thought of it as abusive at the time.

    She used to put me down a lot, comment negatively on my appearance or attitude towards something, even though I was never a filthy or mean person.

    She would talk about other men all the time as well. I don't consider myself a jealous person, but she would constantly tell me about her friends boyfriends or fiances and how amazing they were, how lucky they were to have guys like that. She would constantly tell me about guys she found attractive at her work, or when she went to the gym, or guys she saw on TV, or guys who hit on her when she went out with her friends, and when she'd notice it was making me sad she'd say something to the effect of "oh, but I know you don't like me saying stuff like that, sorry."

    When it came to sex it was almost always her way or the highway. I'd say probably 75% of the time when I attempted to perform any type of "act" beyond simple things, she would say she wasn't in the mood for that, or she would very rarely reciprocate things. Sometimes she would keep "score" when it came to sex, saying she did this and that for me and would hold it against me later or lord it over me to make me feel bad and convince me to do something. It's not the most arousing thing to have your partner getting angry with you or constantly saying "no" during sex...

    She would very often tell me how she wished "she could date someone who ____" as a way of trying to tell me to change something about myself. She pushed me to succeed harder at things, which I was fine with, but constantly being told that I needed to change something was disheartening. I remember on a vacation we took together it eventually got to me and I broke down crying asking if she loved me the way I was, and at the time she said she did.

    When it came to where I was and what I was doing, and especially who I was doing it with, she always had to know. A good friend of mine constantly told me at the time that it was strange behavior and that healthy couples do not need to hang upon one another 24 hours a day. I didn't listen at the time and consistently told her where I was, what I was doing, who I was doing it with. If I ever stopped talking to her for more than a few hours if we were apart she'd get very upset and accuse me of ignoring her.

    She suffered very heavily from OCD, and because I loved her I was more than willing to go through her "rituals" with her. One of which involved watching the same couple of movies all the time. I was totally fine with it, and never expected anything in return for it. But this extended to a lot of things, much in the same way that I wanted to share in her hobbies I wanted her to share in mine, but she always showed disinterest and refused. I would have to ask many, many times to get her to partake in any of my hobbies. And when she finally submitted she would be very bitter and angry about it the entire time. Even simple things like restaurants could only be gone to if it was one she enjoyed and had been to before or one she heard about from her friends.

    Honestly much of the time we were together I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells around her. She got very upset very quickly to even small things, and I always had to watch what I said or did because I never wanted to see her cry or get hurt. But this would extend to even VERY simple things, like if I went to the store to buy something but didn't offer to get her something, or didn't know she was home, she would sometimes get extremely upset about it.

    Soon after our breakup she convinced me to sleep with her during a very emotional moment between us, and I agreed thinking that it meant she still loved me. Almost immediately afterwards she reaffirmed that she did not love me, never would, and that this was purely a physical thing to satisfy our needs. I felt more used than I ever have in my entire life, it genuinely broke my heart.

    We were together for a long time, and part of me definitely feels like I will never be able to fully get over her. I loved her very much, and despite the abuse much of our relationship felt amazing. Looking back on it, this could have just been me being blissfully, ignorantly in love.

    I've since grown more confident in myself and my abilities, and I have accomplished much in my life in this past year we've been apart, more than I ever did when I was with her. However despite this I still often feel as though many of the things she said and did have gotten to me, like I deserved some of it. I always did my very best to treat her like she was the only woman in the world, that I loved her more than anything or anyone, but I know I'm not the best person around. I know that I need to struggle to get past these feelings but it is difficult.

    I don't know if she just thoroughly convinced me that I'm worthless or what, but even after becoming a much more accomplished person I still feel very low and not very proud of myself despite my newfound confidence to succeed. Sufferers of emotional abuse, how did you find your self worth after splitting from your abusive partner? What did it take for you to realize that you deserved better and that none of the horrible things they said about you were true?

  2. #2
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    Hi donkeys, Iím so sorry you went through this. No one should feel this way in a relationship.

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    Sorry clicked reply lol.

    The way she would make you feel is probably because she was insecure herself so she made YOU feel like it instead. I had an ex who did the exact same and it really puts your confidence down.

    The way to look at it (although easier said than done) is she isnít a nice person, she liked to be in control and that isnít what relationships aee about. Itís about compromise, being best friends and supporting each other which she never gave you. One thing I can tell you is that you are NOT worthless. She has created this idea in your head that you are and sheís the worthless one not you. People like her like to get into your head so you become weaker and obey their rules. She sounds awful.

    Itís good youíve picked yourself up since breaking up, gained more confidence, but you need to give yourself time to fully recover. Everyone deals with it in certain ways, take longer than others etc. Donít feel guilty like it was your fault because it wasnít.

    Her saying she never loved you is cowardly and selfish. She most likely said that to hurt you so you would take longer to get over her. Thereís some real nasty people in the world. You will find someone who will treat you how you deserve, give it time. She isnít worth the fuss at all, sheís toxic and has had an impact on you. Just read your post back and try to point out all the negatives. Everything is a negative.

    Remove everything you have of her whether itís a friend on Facebook or photos on your phone. Delete everything, cut her out and keep your mind busy. When my ex ended it with me 3 and half years ago on xmas day it took a year and half to get over. Everyone heals in their own time so please donít blame yourself.

    Why would you want to be with someone who you had to walk on eggshells around? Been there done that. And honestly, they arenít worth the fight or
    The love. They arenít understanding and are very selfish people who donít deserve to be loved by people like you.


    Keep us updated xx

  4. #4
    Member donkeys's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kimbles1215
    Sorry clicked reply lol.

    The way she would make you feel is probably because she was insecure herself so she made YOU feel like it instead. I had an ex who did the exact same and it really puts your confidence down.

    The way to look at it (although easier said than done) is she isnít a nice person, she liked to be in control and that isnít what relationships aee about. Itís about compromise, being best friends and supporting each other which she never gave you. One thing I can tell you is that you are NOT worthless. She has created this idea in your head that you are and sheís the worthless one not you. People like her like to get into your head so you become weaker and obey their rules. She sounds awful.

    Itís good youíve picked yourself up since breaking up, gained more confidence, but you need to give yourself time to fully recover. Everyone deals with it in certain ways, take longer than others etc. Donít feel guilty like it was your fault because it wasnít.

    Her saying she never loved you is cowardly and selfish. She most likely said that to hurt you so you would take longer to get over her. Thereís some real nasty people in the world. You will find someone who will treat you how you deserve, give it time. She isnít worth the fuss at all, sheís toxic and has had an impact on you. Just read your post back and try to point out all the negatives. Everything is a negative.

    Remove everything you have of her whether itís a friend on Facebook or photos on your phone. Delete everything, cut her out and keep your mind busy. When my ex ended it with me 3 and half years ago on xmas day it took a year and half to get over. Everyone heals in their own time so please donít blame yourself.

    Why would you want to be with someone who you had to walk on eggshells around? Been there done that. And honestly, they arenít worth the fight or
    The love. They arenít understanding and are very selfish people who donít deserve to be loved by people like you.


    Keep us updated xx
    Thank you. Luckily I've never been a social media person so I didn't ever have her added on anything. I've never had a facebook or anything like that. After she continued to guilt trip me for months after our breakup, and then for some reason cried and begged me to see her and speak to her when I began to pull away, I eventually ceased talking to her altogether. The last time I spoke to her was September of last year, so it's been awhile now. I have no intentions of ever speaking to her again despite how much I still think about her.

    I've tried meeting a few women since then, but honestly I gave up after I realized that I still had feelings for my ex. It isn't fair to the women who I was attempting to see, they deserve to be with someone who will be fully committed to them and not still in love with another. So I've decided to just be alone until I'm fully over this, both for myself and any future partners.

    I know everything you're saying is correct, and I know she abused me, but it just helps to hear that other people agree. It makes me feel better in my decision to cut her out of my life and feel less guilty about it, especially because she kept attempting to see me after I began to ignore her phone calls and texts. She drove to my house around July of last year (2 months after the breakup) and attempted to come in and see me, but I wouldn't let her in. We were on the phone during this, and I've never heard her cry harder than she did that day. It hurts me so badly to even think about it.

    I think part of my issue is that I put so much time into our relationship. So much love and work and I'll never get any of it back and it all amounted to nothing. I wasted years of my life on somebody who treated me horribly and made me feel even more worthless than I already do. I don't know if this is appropriate to talk about, but very shortly after our breakup I was going through another very difficult problem in my life. That issue, combined with the breakup, almost led me to attempting suicide. I have not had any suicidal thoughts or urges since then, thankfully.

    It is hard to get past all of the horrible thoughts she has instilled into my head. I feel very worthless much of the time, despite the fact that I know it is not true. And even though I generally feel despondent and hopeless, I know I will eventually meet a woman who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated, and I will share a love with her greater than I ever did with my ex.

    But until then it hurts so bad to think I still care for and have feelings for somebody who treated me horribly, even if I no longer love her. It makes it difficult to move on, and the fact that I still think about her often makes me worried that I've taken too much of what she's said to heart and imprinted it into my mind.

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  6. #5
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    Thatís good you donít have social media. Itís a nightmare and wish I could delete it but I talk to most of my friends on there as a few live far away. The fact that you ceased contact with her after she begged for you to see her, shows how STRONG you are! She probably did that because for once, you werenít giving in to her manipulative ways and she didnít have that control anymore. Itís extremely difficult to cut someone you love out of your life even when you know theyíre toxic. A lot of people struggle and you should feel incredibly proud you did that! 😄

    If you donít feel ready to meet other women... donít. Give yourself that full recovery time to heal and before you know it, someone will walk into your life and treat you how you deserve to be treated. It always happens when you least expect it.

    You feel you wasted time on her yes? Well it wasnít a waste. Youíve learnt from it, not to put so much energy and love into someone who doesnít do the same back. You will gain all that energy and love back once youíre healed and you can give it to some else so much more worthy of your time.

    Iím so sorry to hear you felt suicidal. No one should ever feel like that, but Iím glad you have recovered from that!

    Everyone on here, feels the same as you. Whether itís been a few days, months or years since their breakup. We all have our down days, Iím having a down day today so Iím keeping myself occupied and going out for lunch. Iím sure youíve been doing the same.

    We all thin about our exes. Whether it was a good or bad relationship. We are here to support each other although weíre from all over the world, it shows there ARE genuine loving people out there. Youíll find yours as I will mine.

    Keep focused on your happiness and do things you love doing.

    Take care!

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    Society has yet to recognize and condemn women's emotional abuse of men. As with women rights, its going to take time.

    You've been emotionally abused without a doubt. You also craved for her after the abuser had gone. Many men have been there, and its takes a bit of effort to throw of society's conditioning and recognize abuse.

    The good news is that you now know what to do should you meet one of the many vampires out there; you kill your inner nice guy, take her to the proverbial kerb and kick her out of your life.

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    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If I say that I was abused by someone, it doesn't help me to gain confidence in lessons learned because it casts me as a victim to my own voluntary participation.

    I'd translate this instead to "I walked away from an abusive person."

    Head high.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    If I say that I was abused by someone, it doesn't help me to gain confidence in lessons learned because it casts me as a victim to my own voluntary participation.

    I'd translate this instead to "I walked away from an abusive person."

    Head high.
    This 👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆


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