Am I overthinking? Should I be suspicious or am I just paranoid

About 4 months ago an ex boyfriend called me, he and I had a long and complicated relationship on and off again for years. We started dating as teens and he was also dating his now ex-wife at the same time. He went back and forth between she and I for years. He eventually married her. We haven't spoken since I moved out of state 15 years ago he's in NY and I am in Florida. I never married and partly because he was the "one" I was always in love with him and no one else measured up.

In our first conversation he told me he has a progressive illness that isn't curable but he is okay so far, he has some symptoms and complications. He is also in the middle of a divorce. I asked him if there was a chance he'd reunite with his wife or if he was seeing anyone else and he said no. I told him right then and there I wouldn't be in a ping pong relationship with him again. He said there was no one else.

We continued to talk and video chat several times a week for several weeks and then I had to go home for a family matter and we decided to see each other. We got together one night but it was cut short because he got sick, he ended up in the hospital the entire weekend but he kept in contact with me through text messages. He had gotten an infection from a procedure he had due to his illness and he was also put on new medications. However we both agreed that we had an amazing time together that one night. We continued to talk a lot more probably every other day or so. We were supposed to talk the Sunday before Valentine's Day but he texted me that he couldn't call because he was ER and he texted when he was released that same night but I didn't know what was happening and I didn't hear from him for several days and many texts went unanswered. The day before Valentine's Day, I don't know why but I decided to check if he was on dating sites and I did find him on Plenty Of Fish and Match.com. Then I realized he would be notified that I looked at his profile on POF so I had to come clean. It was Valentine's Day morning and I texted him he was upset saying that I was spying on him, he said that when he was first separated he did join those sites but hadn't met anyone on there and it was only me he was interested in. We talked that evening and talked about what we both wanted, he doesn't want a commitment or serious relationship right now, he is just getting out of a long marriage and wants time to sort out his new life. (His wife left him because she couldn't deal with his illness and cheated on him and left him for someone else) I told him I understood but that I would give him time but I wanted to see where this could go, and he agreed. We talked about our distance and he wasn't concerned about it said that we will see each other we will make a point of getting together. He told me he would give anything if he and I could be celebrating Valentine's Day together, we decided that next Valentine's Day we will make a point to be together. He kept reassuring me over and over that he hasn't dated anyone else and that I was it.

After that things between us became intense, we talked every day and he even wanted me to meet him half way between NY and Florida for a long weekend, I couldn't make it on short notice but he was planning to come to Florida in late March so we would see each other than.

He was scheduled to have a biopsy in early March and he called me for a week straight before the procedure, he was so into me physically but also during this time I was checking Match.com because they show status activity and he was active on match, I know that just checking an email can trigger online status but it concerned me. I didn't hear from him for 4 days after the procedure, he had just gotten out of the hospital, it was supposed to be overnight stay but they kept him for the weekend. He had also decided that he didn't want to come to Florida in March because it was spring break so we had decided to meet in NC instead. When we talked after the medical procedure he decided on the week in March we would meet and I booked my flight. He also works in a profession that requires him to work round the clock during winter storms. So we didn't speak as much as we used to because he was working a lot during the snow storms in the North East in early and mid March. His mother is also very ill and has been in and out of the hospital and he had to finally put her in a nursing home and has been busy with making the arrangements for that as well as going through a very nasty divorce.

I didn't hear from him for the entire week up until we were meeting in NC, he was going down ahead of me because he wanted to spend a few days with his family that lives down there. I finally had to text him and ask him if we were still meeting because I heard nothing from him. He was shocked that I was concerned and he said if I don't hear from him that means nothing has changed.

We met in NC and had a wonderful time, we reconnected and we did a lot of just sitting on a bench and talking for hours, he confides in me and has since we started talking again, he shares his fears and worries about his illness and how the divorce is effecting his kids, we have heart to heart conversations that are deeply emotional. We connected physically and emotionally during that trip, we talked about taking a cruise in the fall. He will be taking early retirement from his job and he wants to live in NY in the summers and winter in a warmer state. He likes Texas and Arizona and even though he hasn't asked me if I'd move he has asked me how committed I am to staying in Florida. He wants to show me Houston since he loves that city and wants me to see it. He isn't great at texting and on the trip I realized that he isn't a big phone person, he barley has it on him and he was very open with his phone, he would look at and listen to message in front of me, he would open his texts even when I was sitting right next to him. He even gave me his laptop to bring to the hotel office because he couldn't get on WI-FI. He never left to take a call, I was more guarded with my phone than he was with his.

But things have changed since the biopsy in early March, he doesn't text as much or call as much and he isn't as complimentary as he was before the procedure, he would tell me he liked my outfit or asked to see what I was wearing when we video chatted. He doesn't do that anymore but when we do talk he's the same sweet caring man, he asked how I liked NC and he said he liked it because he got to see me. He's the same when we talk as far as he confides in me and we talk about everything, he is interested in my life and what is happening with me but doesn't call as much or text and we are back to talking a few times a week. He isn't as intense as he was as far as being into me physically. Of course this coincides with his lack of match.com activity. Our trip was great and he was very much into me during the trip and I was confident he wasn't seeing anyone else but I can't shake this feeling, I don't know if I am worried about history repeating itself, he dated his ex and I casually all those years ago and then he would go back and forth between us, break up with me and go back with her etc. Then I got blindsided when he decided to break up with me and got serious with her and engaged within 6 months or if my fears are legitimate.

Also I am a secret until the divorce is final, he doesn't want anything to screw up the divorce because its nasty and bitter but he says once its final we can be open that we are seeing each other. We also usually talk late at night when he goes to his bedroom, we have talked in the evenings and mornings but mostly its at night.

I don't know if I should be worried there is someone else or if I am just paranoid?

There are so many reasons why I would be suspicious in your shoes. His history, his sob story about his wife, his inconsistency in communicating, the barrage of excuses that he comes up with, and most of all THE FACT THAT HE IS STILL MARRIED. You know first hand the deception that he is capable of. I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole if I were you.

He's not even divorced yet and for all you really know, he won't be getting divorced.

but I didn't know what was happening and I didn't hear from him for several days and many texts went unanswered

Your gut is trying to tell you something I think. If nothing else, you've re-hooked yourself up with a man that is going through divorce (if he's telling the truth) and therefore is NOT the best person in the world to be able to become emotionally invested in you.

You're a "secret" as well. There isn't a more red flag then that one and there are many red one's at full mast.

I didn't mean to post twice, I am new to this forum. According to him he was recuperating from an incorrect dose of his new medication.

I know for a fact he is getting divorced and should be final in July.

My concern is the correlation between his change in calling me and that his match activity has now stopped. I think he might be seeing another woman.

Well, it wouldn’t be the first time.

Frankly, this should be only one of many concerns you should have.

I didn't mean to post twice, I am new to this forum. According to him he was recuperating from an incorrect dose of his new medication.

 

I know for a fact he is getting divorced and should be final in July.

 

My concern is the correlation between his change in calling me and that his match activity has now stopped. I think he might be seeing another woman.

Frankly, I think he may still be very much married. How do you know his divorce will be finalized in July?

He couldn't call you while he was recuperating? What a load of hooey. IMO.

You're "concern" is quite trivial considering all of the red flags you're apparently not seeing if that is your only concern.

I have a lot of concerns that's why I posted. I wanted unbiased opinions. I know he is separated because when we video chat he's in his bedroom and he has blocked his ex on facebook and removed his married status. His story about his divorce doesn't change, she cheated and can't handle his illness so she left him, they had a long marriage and are fighting over finance assets, I only know it will be final in July because he is telling me so but if they can come to an agreement about the finances if not then it will drag on. His ex is the least of my worries, she doesn't want him back of that I am sure.

Yes he could have called while he was recuperating but the few times he has gotten sick and in the hospital while we've reconnected he seems to go into a depression and needs to deal with it on his own. He has a very serious illness and while it isn't terminal it is debilitating and he and I have spoken at length about his quality of life as the illness progresses, his fears and worries.

I am more concerned with the change in calling, we went from talking daily to a few times a week and he isn't as into me as he was in the beginning. Our emotional relationship is stronger but the physical interest isn't there with the distance between us. It was when we were together in NC but he doesn't do the cute things he used to do. And the calling changed after his biopsy which also coincides with his match status, he hasn't been on since before the biopsy so I am wondering if met someone on match.

When we do talk its still great conversations but just not as often as before.

He and I are also older, we started dating initially 35 years ago.

Well, you have a bad history with this guy so if it were me, I'd not redo a relationship with him even if we lived five minutes away never mind 1000's of miles away where you don't know what he's doing one minute to the next.

I think its hella karma that his wife cheated on him when he was a lying cheater while with you.

Anyway, you have decided to put your heart in his hands again even though he's proven to you before that it's not safe there so there is no sense getting yourself into a tither thinking he may be seeing someone else. Why not just talk to him and tell him you notice a change in his demeanor and see what he has to say? Or: Actually look after your own heart and tell him you can't handle the long distance and get yourself away from the anxiety. You don't trust him (for good reason I'll add).

I'm probably in the same age range as you (mid 50's), and I see your issue objectively, so I'll offer my opinion:

I don't know if he's found someone else, but what I do think is, this is Guy.Who.Can't.Be.Alone.For.One.Second. He's that guy who always has to have the next one going, and one on the back burner, and so on. If he's telling you how crazy he is about you, but checking his POF messages, then look at his actions. His words are being used now to just keep you on the hook.

I think he was scared before the biopsy and wanted you there for him, so he set you up so that you would be, with a lot of pre-call texts, calls, sweet nothings. Post-biopsy, he doesn't need you as much, and he can resume his online date searches, plus keep you completely, secretly on the back burner, while there's still a possibility his divorce doesn't even go through.

I think you're being played, and you're being juggled. His sweet talk about retirement and warm climates, getting you to sign up emotionally, is all that: just talk.

Even if his divorce was final tomorrow, he wouldn't take you out of hiding, because he'd find some other excuse. And then another. And another.

You allowed yourself to be the other woman once before, many years ago, and he knows this. He knows he can keep you on a string, in secret, while he figures out the rest of his life, and then he can drop you like a hot potato once he does.

Don't be that woman for him now. It's been 35 years. He's a middle-aged man who is keeping you a secret. Think better of yourself.

I ache for you, as I know the loneliness you feel, and the excitement and joy at having someone tell you all these things. This isn't real, though, I'm sorry to say.

OK I need to clarify, I was never the other woman. He never cheated with me. We were young, 18 years old and we met at work and he was dating me while I was away at college and then left me for his now ex wife. Because we were so young he went back and forth between her and I and when I say back and forth he would break up with her and come back to me and vis versa, again we were all very young. Until he decided that he wanted a serious relationship with her and broke up with me for good. They were engaged in 6 months and married at the age of 21.

He and I saw each other in passing over the years, we worked together at a few different jobs so we saw one another but nothing ever happened, as far as I know he was faithful to his wife. She left him and he contact me, which since she and I were the only two women he has been romantically involved with for the past 35 years it was understandable.

His match activity was active while he was actively calling me, he hasn't been on match since before his biopsy which coincides with his lack of calling me. He was very concerned he had cancer on top of his other medical issues so I know that I was probably a distraction during that time.

OK I need to clarify, I was never the other woman. He never cheated with me. We were young, 18 years old and we met at work and he was dating me while I was away at college and then left me for his now ex wife. Because we were so young he went back and forth between her and I and when I say back and forth he would break up with her and come back to me and vis versa, again we were all very young. Until he decided that he wanted a serious relationship with her and broke up with me for good. They were engaged in 6 months and married at the age of 21.

 

He and I saw each other in passing over the years, we worked together at a few different jobs so we saw one another but nothing ever happened, as far as I know he was faithful to his wife. She left him and he contact me, which since she and I were the only two women he has been romantically involved with for the past 35 years it was understandable.

 

His match activity was active while he was actively calling me, he hasn't been on match since before his biopsy which coincides with his lack of calling me. He was very concerned he had cancer on top of his other medical issues so I know that I was probably a distraction during that time.

This is all just talking in circles.

Whether or not you were the "actual" other woman is immaterial. He was dating you while he was dating her, and he chose her.

Yes, you were a distraction for him during his biopsy. He was using you to get him through a difficult time.

I wrote a whole long post, and you tried to poke holes through everything I said. I'll say it once more, really clearly, and then I'll back out of your thread: He is using you. He is playing you. You are very likely not the only one. He has his wife, he has his Match & POF dates, he has you as his secret. He's probably rotating several women.

Not to mention, you're over 1000 miles away from him. Who the h*ll knows what he's doing, and who he's doing it with, in NY?

He used you back then when he was making a decision between you and his wife, and he chose her. Now, he's using you again as he makes new decisions.

He gave himself the loophole of already having told you he doesn't want anything serious right now. Believe him.

Ok, I'm out.

he doesn't want a commitment or serious relationship right now

This.

The calls are scarce because of this. I'm not even gonna go down the road which has him still married, yet it is a possibility.

I have a lot of concerns that's why I posted. I wanted unbiased opinions. I know he is separated because when we video chat he's in his bedroom and he has blocked his ex on facebook and removed his married status. His story about his divorce doesn't change, she cheated and can't handle his illness so she left him, they had a long marriage and are fighting over finance assets, I only know it will be final in July because he is telling me so but if they can come to an agreement about the finances if not then it will drag on. His ex is the least of my worries, she doesn't want him back of that I am sure.

I think you are way too invested in him at this point. You should not even begin to consider a relationship with him until after July. Who knows what will happen between now and July? This could drag on indefinitely. Or, they could get back together. Maybe they have an on and off marriage. There's so much that you don't know. You are taking a big risk by rushing. What's the rush, anyway?

He's backtracking through the black book and looking for a shoulder to cry on while he's in the throes of divorce. Wait, "you're a secret"? Do yourself a favor and stop doing this. There is noting but deception and pain in this for you.

About 4 months ago an ex boyfriend called me, He is also in the middle of a divorce. I am a secret until the divorce is final

Yes, you're overthinking, you're prematurely invested, and you're drilling yourself a deep fantasy hole to climb out of.

Whenever someone from my past contacts me, I'm kind, but I remain uninvested with my time and energy beyond learning what they want from me. If they're far away but will be in town, I'll encourage them to let me know if they'd like to meet up. Beyond that, there's nothing really to invest IN.

I enjoyed a reunion with a 4 year live-in lover many years later. He had divorced a few years before contact and came to see me. While it was a lovely experience, I was shocked by my own regression into the very same immaturity that had problems with the guy before. Guess what? The same problems that ended our relationship in the first place didn't magically disappear, and we found out that love is not enough to heal our incompatibilities.

You can invest in fantasy if you want to, it's not against the law. It just won't buy you the kind of relationship you envision from someone who hasn't changed his juggling act.

Head high, and consider moving your focus onto building the kind of future for yourself that will make you happy regardless of who comes or goes. If your ex charmer ever grows into someone who can align with that and actually show up for it, then he will have no trouble letting you know that down the road. But investing in blah-blah noises with him today makes no sense.