Am I a monster or am I a punching bag

I’ve been dating my partner for 2.5 years now. Lately things haven’t been great , I spent a few days apart from her so we could both have some space a two months or so ago. We weren’t showing love to each other the way we should of been so we needed some time apart . I spent this time working on this issue and believe I’ve improved on my end in regards to loving someone the right way.

 

Anyway since I’ve been back there has been a recurring pattern. Things will be great for a week or two then all of a sudden will hit the fan.

 

On the days that hits the fan, we usually both have had a stressful day. We both vent that stress in different ways.

 

An example of the latest episode is I got home from work said hello to her and kissed her and saw the mess around the house she had left during the day. This annoyed me but I didn’t say anything and proceeded to clean it up, dishes , laundry ect. I didn’t talk to her during this cleaning time , once I finished I went and sat with her and didn’t say anything and she asked me what was wrong ?

 

I said I don’t really like having to clean up after you after I’ve been working all day. She then said well no one ing asked you to do did they? Did I ing ask you do to it ? You didn’t have to do it.

 

I said well it didn’t look like you were going to do it. Then she stormed off called me every name under the sun , threatens to leave me and locked herself in the bathroom and refuses to talk to me.

 

Anyway situations similar to this have happened about once every 2 weeks and I’m getting sick of it.

 

I love her , but she makes me feel like a monster at these times.

 

An important note during all of this , is that on the other 13 days during these 2 weeks periods are great.

 

So I need advice:

 

- am I the monster in this situation or am I her punching bag?

 

- if I am her punching bag should I call her out on this ? And should I leave or should I try work it out?

It's both of you. You're holding in resentment while silently cleaning, and she's openly resentful. Just like it takes two to become embroiled in a conflict, it takes two to work it out. Both of you have to want it to stop for it to stop.

I’d be angry at you assuming I wouldn’t clean and just doing it yourself and feeling resentful towards me too.

 

Do you have different ideas about how the house should be kept? Is she depressed

Tell me this isn't the same woman who dumped you a year back after she dug through your phone and found you had the audacity to be suggestive to another woman prior to you and her having even become an item?

 

Regardless, yes, techinically, it's on both of you. It's on you to the extent you essentially know who this woman is yet soldier on with the relationship. You've got to adapt and react accordingly. But, while I am absolutely huge on not doing something when you know it will only foster resentment, mice and roaches unfortunately don't consider whose turn it was to clean up before deciding to move in with their new humans roommates. No partner should have to come in after a workday and simply make the place sanitary. Still, I don't know just to what extent you put yourself out to potentially hold it over her. Cleaning the dishes is certainly one thing. Going around the house to gather her socks for her is another. Could be well that there's a mixture of understandable and not. In any case, and even as someone who doesn't believe all verbal tirades simply fall out of the sky, even if you'd been resentful or passive aggressive over cleaning up after her, for her to subsequently call yell at you and call you names, threatening to leave you, and subsequently locking herself into what I'm assuming is a shared bathroom defies any legitimate defense, in my book.

 

Is this dynamic typical? Is she usually at the house while you're working? Does she work herself?

 

I said I don’t really like having to clean up after you after I’ve been working all day. She then said well no one ing asked you to do did they? Did I ing ask you do to it ? You didn’t have to do it.

 

 

She is absolutely right, you didn't have to clean, she never asked you to clean, you wanted to clean, it was your choice to clean.

 

Which is fine, but own that and don't bytch to her about it later, and blame her for not cleaning!

 

You took the martyr role (poor me I worked all day and now I have to clean too).

 

That is passive/aggressive and that type of behavior will drive even the sanest, most rational person up the f'ing wall, no wonder she stormed off.

 

My guess this isn't the first time this type of thing happened either, sounds like she's fed up with your victim mentality, sorry.

^To add, if you prefer to come home to a clean house, instead of playing martyr by cleaning and bytching later about it, tossing her the guilt card, talk to her, communicate!

 

Let her know it's important to you to come home to clean house, not in an accusatory blaming way, but does she even know you prefer to come home to clean house every day?

It’s not the clean house that annoyed me, it’s the fact she didn’t clean up after herself. And I have communicated those exact words to her several times “ that the house doesn’t have to be spotless , just that she cleans up after herself. “

 

yet is is rare that she will actually do it, it will just sit there for days until I end up doing it because I get sick of looking at it.

She does work, about 20-30 hours a week where I do around 40-50 , yet I am the one doing most the house work. She generally lounges around or sleeps while at home.

 

I don’t mind doing it most of the time because I’m very energetic and not one to just sit around doing nothing. But this particular incident I was drained from the day , it was the last thing I wanted to do but did it out of habit. She asked what was wrong , I told her in a calm direct voice and she blew up.

Here's the thing. To the effect is impacts sanitation, you should absolutely take matters into your own hands if need be. You could ask her to wash the dishes, but that itself is even a balancing of resentment between just doing it and having to ask another grown adult to wash the dirty dishes they've left out. And, frankly, I wouldn't trust someone who has to begrudgingly perform the decent job after having to be asked to, anyway.

 

But if you're talking shirts on the floor, clutter, or similar matters, as much as I'd sympathize with your frustration, it's a low-to-no risk, non-time sensitive matter, and I'd consider it unfair to do it for her and subsequently complain, or passive aggressively sit with her noticeably upset so that she inquires. Some people just do clutter. They're defined by it. My lady gets her office to do as she pleases in and leave whatever she wants, where she wants it. It's ****ing Chernobyl in there. But that's her space and her right. Don't leave food for the pests and it's none of my business.

 

As trivial as it sounds, this is a very real thing when considering compatibility. If you need a live-in partner who picks up after herself without her boyfriend playing daddy and telling her to, you may very likely need to explore other options.

 

Is she going to school on top of those hours? Are bills being equitably distributed?

I said well it didn’t look like you were going to do it. Then she stormed off called me every name under the sun , threatens to leave me and locked herself in the bathroom and refuses to talk to me.

I'd dump her first and when she asks why, I'd tell her that you are unable to live with such an unmotivated and untidy person. Then go zero contact.

 

She's clearly not going to change. The reaction she gave you when you told her what was wrong tell you that. In future and with your next g/f don't be not saying anything while you resentfully go about doing things that she should have been taking care of since she made the mess. Just be calm and matter of factly ask her to help you clean up so that you can enjoy a tidy space while you both chill. If she refuses after that, well then you know what kind of twit you've gotten yourself involved with.

 

it was the last thing I wanted to do but did it out of habit. She asked what was wrong , I told her in a calm direct voice and she blew up.

Well, you're body language was clear enough for her to ask you what was wrong. You were exuding your resentment I'd imagine. Not saying you didn't have cause to be resentful but you need to communicate in order to get what you want and if after being honest about it she still doesn't care enough to keep a tidy home then you know that you're not with a compatible partner.

 

Adding: For the life of me I don't know how she could sit there and let you clean without helping. Men of the 40's and 50's and most of the 60's used to be like her.

You can't spend a lifetime cleaning up after her and not becoming resentful of her for it, can you?

So set your standards in very clear and measurable terms , first with yourself then with her. This is what I need from a partner , below this and it will not work for me. Then you stick to them. Let the chips fall where they may. Do not clean up after her, let yourself really see and feel what a lifetime of living with her will be like. Let her make her own choices as far as how much she is actually going to contribute, and let the natural concequences happen.

 

She throws the tantrums and they work. Sure, you might annoy her a bit with your desire for cleanliness, but then you go back to doing it for her again and she gets all the benefits of the relationship. I have to say it'd be a cold day in hell my partner would verbally abuse me for cleaning and have me feeling like a monster for it.

Just an aside, would we give a guy a pass or provide him excuse for acting this way, even if in response to a girlfriend asking passive aggressive after having cleaned up after him?

 

Then she stormed off called me every name under the sun , threatens to leave me and locked herself in the bathroom and refuses to talk to me.

 

How infantilizing.

Just an aside, would we give a guy a pass or provide him excuse for acting this way, even if in response to a girlfriend asking passive aggressive after having cleaned up after him?

 

 

 

How infantilizing.

No we wouldn't. (at least most of us wouldn't anyway) She sounds like a P-poor choice to plant your life around to be honest and no one here would be okay with a guy doing that to a chick that had just cleaned up his mess. I would tell her the same thing though and ask for what she wants and if its refused then get rid of the sloth.

You can't spend a lifetime cleaning up after her and not becoming resentful of her for it, can you?

So set your standards in very clear and measurable terms , first with yourself then with her. This is what I need from a partner , below this and it will not work for me. Then you stick to them. Let the chips fall where they may. Do not clean up after her, let yourself really see and feel what a lifetime of living with her will be like. Let her make her own choices as far as how much she is actually going to contribute, and let the natural concequences happen.

 

She throws the tantrums and they work. Sure, you might annoy her a bit with your desire for cleanliness, but then you go back to doing it for her again and she gets all the benefits of the relationship. I have to say it'd be a cold day in hell my partner would verbally abuse me for cleaning and have me feeling like a monster for it.

 

Agree with this^, which was my point earlier.

 

You gotta set your standards and communicate those standards to her.

 

If she refuses and leaves her mess, leave it. Don't clean up after her, period.

 

Right now you're essentially enabling her by cleaning up "her" mess.

 

After which you silently have attitude about and resent her for.

 

Which she noticed and asked you about, in response you guilt trip her.

 

I get you've talked to her already but your actions need to back up your words.

 

Meaning if you continue cleaning her messes, that pretty much negates whatever you've communicated to her.

 

Just leave it. If she's that much of a slob, inconsiderate, and disrespectful, would you really want someone like that anyway, nevermind the fact she throws tantrums.

This girl sounds like a disaster man. Lies around the house. Sleeps. Eats a bunch of crap. Leaves dishes everywhere. Goes back to lie down. You clean up. Tell her to contribute. She flips out and storms off and locks herself in the bathroom.

 

What a loser.

Can you imagine living the rest of your precious life with her? Can you envision her as the mother of your children? If your brother/nephew/bestie gave you details about their SO and it was basically this woman, how would you react to their story?

For me, it's difficult to blame just one of you with only the information you provided. It depends on what "cleaning up after her" means. To me, that means she's left dishes in the living room, shoes in front of the door, made a sandwich and didn't put away the bread/mustard/cheese, etc. Stuff like that. If that's the case, don't pick up after her. If it continues to sit out for 2-3 days then say "hey are you gonna pick up the stuff you've left out?" If she still won't pick up, then decide if you can loosen up on your need for cleanliness or do you need to find someone who feels the same way you do about it.

 

The way you handled the most recent fight, silently cleaning up and silently resenting her for it, and then when she asks what's wrong, you sort of reprimanded her like a child. It would've p*ssed me off too. I wouldn't have reacted the way she did, but if you're in the habit of doing this often, it wouldn't take long before I'd leave you.

 

Sometimes, in our house (like right now), the dishes pile up or the laundry piles up, but it's finally a beautiful day outside after a long, cold winter....so the cleaning can wait because it's more important to me to play outside with my daughter. Again, I don't know how often you're harping her about cleaning, but sometimes other things are more important.

 

Yes, she needs to clean her own mess, but she doesn't have to do it on your terms. And yes, you have the right to want a clean house, but you're free to leave and find a woman who wants the same.

This girl sounds like a disaster man. Lies around the house. Sleeps. Eats a bunch of crap. Leaves dishes everywhere. Goes back to lie down. You clean up. Tell her to contribute. She flips out and storms off and locks herself in the bathroom.

 

What a loser.

 

Agree, but OP is *enabling* her slovenliness and lazyness by insisting on cleaning up after her!

 

And then resenting her for it, which isn't right either but hopefully he knows this now.

Agree, but OP is *enabling* her slovenliness and lazyness by insisting on cleaning up after her!

 

And then resenting her for it, which isn't right either but hopefully he knows this now.

 

That maybe so but there is no excuse for her lambasting him the way she did when he finally did tell her what was wrong. I suspect he's talked to her before about the slob that she is and its gone on deaf ears. Not too many of us here would tolerate a guy talking to a a woman like she talked to him and then locked herself in the bathroom like the (apparent) emotionally immature individual that she appears to be.

 

The relationship is going to end and likely he will learn to communicate better (because he does need to do that) but I have a feeling that she's a slob in general and not too many people like being the one that has to pick up after the other as a lifestyle.

That maybe so but there is no excuse for her lambasting him the way she did when he finally did tell her what was wrong. I suspect he's talked to her before about the slob that she is and its gone on deaf ears. Not too many of us here would tolerate a guy talking to a a woman like she talked to him and then locked herself in the bathroom like the (apparent) emotionally immature individual that she appears to be.

 

The relationship is going to end and likely he will learn to communicate better (because he does need to do that) but I have a feeling that she's a slob in general and not too many people like being the one that has to pick up after the other as a lifestyle.

 

I do not disagree with this at all -- I think I may have even posted asking him why he would even wish to remain with someone so lazy and slovenly, let alone a woman who throws temper tantrums when confronted about it, and then feeling like he has to clean up after her.

 

My only gripe is like you said, his communication. And him essentially enabling her behavior by doing it himself and then resenting her for it later.

I do not disagree with this at all -- I think I may have even posted asking him why he would even wish to remain with someone so lazy and slovenly, let alone a woman who throws temper tantrums when confronted about it, and then feeling like he has to clean up after her.

 

My only gripe is like you said, his communication. And him essentially enabling her behavior by doing it himself and then resenting her for it later.

 

I must have misunderstood your chastising him in your first post and not saying a word about her behavior then.

I must have misunderstood your chastising him in your first post and not saying a word about her behavior then.

 

That's why it always best to read all posts before responding, see my post #14.

I did read all posts before responding. You're still putting all the blame on the Op. I don't see where you called her out for her immature and abusive behavior. Like I said, not too many here would give a guy a pass if he talked to a woman like she talked to him and if he stormed off and immaturely locked himself in another room.

 

You just tell him to leave her slop and stop enabling her.

 

You do say you're not sure why he would be in a relationship with someone like her which I too would like to know why he keeps on with someone who is immature, slovenly and verbally abusive.

I did read all posts before responding. You're still putting all the blame on the Op. I don't see where you called her out for her immature and abusive behavior.

 

You just tell him to leave her slop.

 

Not that any of this matters, and perhaps you didn't read the entire post, but my last sentence of post 14 "called her out" for being a slob, inconsiderate, disrespectful, and immature for throwing tantrums.

 

That said, and no disrespect, but Op hasn't taken offense to any of my posts not sure why you have or why how I post is such an issue for you.

 

I have an opinion you have another; I don't criticize your opinion (to the contrary on this thread I agreed) and would appreciate the same courtesy, thanks a bunch.

Not criticizing... Just expanding on what Jman pointed out. I think he has a point.

 

See you in the next thread.