Afraid of breaking up

Hello everybody!

I have been in a 2.5 year relationship with someone. I have been unhappy for I think a year and a half. We have had laughs, we get along creatively and he is a great friend. He challenges me intellectually. But I feel I have fallen out of love with him on a emotional and physical level. He has turned from a inspiring ambitious strong gentleman. To a depressed moaning mess that I just can't fix.

I feel he won't be happy unless he is allowed to be free to do his own thing. Which is to.pursue his creative stuff. So he jokingky proposed he would be my house husband. But he hates housework and i've been doing it all whilst working my crappy warehosue job.

***beginning of long story feel free to skip to end bit*****

Story is that my bf was a professional musician. But his career got cut short due to an incident that ruined his credibility. Then he got a job. But he has also quit that due to the terrible work environment. Now he has turned around and said he wants me to be a househusband (which I don't want, but he doesn't see himself working full time and isn't actively looking for part time work.either. My dad was one for 11 years and didn't contribute anything to my family besides misery. So I want to be with someone with an active fulfilling life outside of the home. I have the strange feeling that his family are waiting for me to move out and take him with me,which I would do if I knew he could contribute.

We have been living with his parents for a year now to save money. I finally got myself out of debt, and got my dream job on a 7 month contract. Helping his parents with rent now (we were both meant to pay, but now i am the only one paying). I feel after this I will be going forward now in life and my career.

I am finally ready to move out after a year. He wants me to wait till Christmas till he gets himself together. But he has been depressed before I have met him. And I have supported him hoping he would get better. However I have now realised he is chronically depressed and will probably never feel truly better, which he can't help.

I also feel as if our relationship only seems to work now because I have to be the stronger person, cleaning up after him, going to work at 5 am shifts, coming home to cook. I also feel i have to accomodate my opinions and behaviour for his mental health. So I am not allowed to point out my frustrations. (I dont want feel.like a complete ass. But i feel he uses his depression to exscuse himself from anything. )

Plus honestly I have never really felt comfortable around his family home, although they are very very nice. It's not my home at the end of the day,so I feel I'm always on eggshells. I also don't want to feel like I am mooching off his parents anymore.

I start my new job in 3 days. I have been secretly eyeing accommodation and set up a room viewing. My mind is pretty much ready to jump at it. He has been insisting I stay with him and his family too (mostly for his sake I think, because I have slowly become his carer). If I moved I wouldn't have to commute 4 hours a day to my new job. But I would save a bit of money staying with him I think.

**** end of background story*****

Overall the real kicker is that I just don't know how to break up with him. Cause I think he would become so depressed he might harm himself. I feel like im abandoning a defenseless puppy (30 year old puppy) on the side of the road as i move on with my life. And at the same time. I'm scared of making the leap cause I am used to having a safety net and will loose a good friend.

How do you break up with someone, who has severe depression, and tries to convince you to constantly stay with them? Cause I was just going to.quietly move out and leave a note and visit him later?? Which is a bad plan I think.

It's unfair to stick around for your own reasons with someone you resent, are not attracted to and have no respect for. Get yourself together financially and get your own place or move back home or get roommates. He is better off without you and his parents will be there for him. Stop playing martyr or thinking you can fix him or that he won't survive without you.

I have been unhappy for I think a year and a half. We have been living with his parents for a year now to save money. I was just going to.quietly move out.

i have a lot to say. I am winnowing it down to this:

Is this how you want to live your life? No? Then change it. Period.

Retell your story to yourself from your perspective only, using first person pronouns, only. Force yourself to get comfortable addressing your choices. You are required to be responsible to yourself first, and you are ducking this responsibility.

Your needs matter. Do what you need to do to meet them.

Lose the dead weight! You should have been done with him 1.5 years ago. There is no future, unless you want to continue to raise an adult.

Do not ever think you can change people. That is co dependent talk. We can only change ourselves. Find an equal partner, who you can love and respect.

Has your bf sought help? His parents will continue to support him. this is not your responsibility. You also need to address why you put yourself in this situation. It is really unhealthy.

You need to tell him to his face that you are leaving. it would be terrible for you to run out on him and his parents. That's awful!

I have the strange feeling that his family are waiting for me to move out and take him with me,

The kindest thing to do for all involved is to move out and NOT take him with you.

It makes no sense to blackmail yourself with someone else's problems. He's a grown man, he's as capable as anyone else to seek the help he needs, and your ideas about 'fixing' him are exactly what keeps you stagnating and miserable while not doing him any favors.

Nobody 'wins' that way. Your absence from the guy's life may be exactly what he needs in order to step up and learn how to manage himself.

Head high, and don't guilt trip yourself into staying in a lousy situation. We never get any wasted time back again for do-overs.