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Thread: Very confused about breakup

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Apr 2018

    Very confused about breakup

    We have known each other for 2 years and dated on two separate occasions prior to the recent breakup. We got back together recently for 2 months and she ended it. We agreed that we would be in a non committed relationship and that a committed relationship is something that progresses. During the 2 months, we saw each other nearly 4-5 timesa week. Me staying overnight at her house. Her kids and mine treated each other as brother and sister. She said my son was like a son to her. We got along great in all areas. Accept, she insisted I should not ask any questions about her friends or family because we are not on that level. Accept for her mother, her mother was around us a lot. Even if I asked a clearly innocent question about anyone in her life, she took it as crossing a boundary.

    Now, I can accept boundaries and all...but she sent so many mixed signals tome that I wasn’t sure when the boundaries had changed or progressed. Such as her having me accompany her to her doctors appointment and introducing me as her fiancé. Her telling me I should let my ex wife know that our son will have her girls as stepsisters soon. Said she loves me...etc. Yet, given all of that, she was crocheting socks one night. I said they were really great, who are they for. She replied Ms Donna’s granddaughter. I asked who’s Ms Donna, and she got irritated and said you don’t know her. Then said that you don’t have to know everything about me in my life or who i know or what I do. I let her know that I thought it was ridiculous that she saw my question intrusive. We argued and she said she is done and broke up with me. She said I won’t respect her boundaries.i let her know that I do respect her boundaries but have gotten mixed messages from her by what she says and does. She didn’t see any of it as mixed messages to me. Was I crossing boundaries? I don’t think I was and I’m very confused as to why she would make the comments she does...fiancé, stepsisters...yet freak out if I asked anything even so innocent about her life.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Why is it on/off and you are exposing your kids to her this much but you write as though she is keeping some big secret? What do you mean 'we agreed on non-committed"? Are you both sleeping with other people now or fwb? If so, then you need to stop trying to be more and prying into her life if you are just there for no strings sex..
    Originally Posted by Saasam
    We have known each other for 2 years. Me staying overnight at her house. Her kids and mine treated each other as brother and sister.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Boston, MA
    Well, I had a girlfriend who started crying if I asked anything about her family. Over a period of time I found out that her cop father treated her like a retard, he wanted a son not a girl, and even went out and adopted a boy because she was such a disappointment to him. She was so emotionally scarred it was difficult to avoid all of the subjects that would emotionally set her off. Your girlfriend might be like that. Her family may have scarred her. But I know how difficult it is. You ask an innocent question and suddenly you're in a fight or a crying outburst. You can't cure of her this. About the only thing you could do is have a safe word or a hand gesture where you would just stop whatever you were saying and change subjects when she said the safe word or raised her finger.

    Otherwise, it sounds she's somewhat controlling with her telling you what you should say to your ex. Introducing you as her fiance is just a social thing that deflects a lot of questions about who you are. Saying you're her boyfriend sounds so much like a teenage thing.

    But it's up to you if you want to try again with her.

  4. #4
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    So you are existing in a "family way." You have blended your children together, and "fiance" has been put in the mix (unclear if actual proposal happened and was agreed upon), yet somehow facets of life outside of the tiny bubble of you and her are intrusive and "boundary stomping." Something is very, very wrong.

    I totally understand your complete confusion.

    How is it that you blend your lives and your children, yet asking who the socks are for and who is Donna is an intrusion and boundary stomping?

    TWO YEARS...I think after two years, when you have blended families to a degree, who the socks are for or who the casserole is for, is a natural discussion. What's going on in daily life is a natural discussion. What's going on with the extended family, how it affects you, how you're talking, helping, being an ear to bend or shoulder to cry on, or the whole thing is funny, and some cousin is graduating or the antics of the science project...all scopes of discussion...all of it.

    Pick one.

    YOU need to be the boundary. I mean, if you want to bump uglies on occasion, and that's all it's about, YOU don't get to be involved further; YOU maintain boundaries and YOU don't get sucked up into her life. You see her when your children are with their mother and you have "time off" and her children are with their father. If she crosses those boundaries, YOU stop it or move on...pick one.

    SHE has to pick one. She can't call you fiance, involve you in doctor appointments, get your children and her children involved, and then decide you crossed a boundary because you asked who Donna is when she was crocheting socks for her...no and no.

    If YOU want more than FWB or "hookups," you need to stop this confusing mess of whatever is going on with this quasi-girlfriend of yours and find someone serious and who's willing to put in the time, the effort, and be vulnerable and share her life with you completely, including the crazy family, the friends, the job, the annoying coworker, etc. YOU have to decide and YOU have to enforce it.

    This relationship is so confusing, it gives me anxiety just reading about it.


  6. #5
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    How could you not know Ms Donna, come on.

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