Am i going crazy?

Hey

Im in a realtionship with someone who i work with, we started seeing eachother and after a few months agreed to make a go of things...

Before we came to that decision we had a meal where it was awful, we fell out and i had asked him if he liked this other girl at work to which he replied yes i do like her, so i was devastated and decided to end it as i was so upset - he said he likes her like a normal person? I dunno what that means and he said he likes me more than her.

We stopped talking but he messaged to say how he would stop going on lunch with her and he does not want to lose me and would do anything to show how much he likes me, during the meal he said i had dragged it out of him

Anyways to cut a long story short he has lunch with her everyday we have a kitchen area where we work and she and him always go at 12 (other people go sometimes) so its never really them two alone but this hour there is laughter / jokes and they get along very well - which i have to say now gets to me.

Because our realtionship at work has been a secret no one really knew about us and at work we dont talk much - we dont spend lunch together as im set a “set time” which is at 1 not 12.

More and more people have found out about us and yesterday this girl in question asked me if i was seeing anyone (she knew i was with him as apprantley she had asked him 2 weeks prior whether he was dating anyone and she knew who it was and to say no more)

Yesterday when she was asking me questions she was going, do u like this guy? Do they like u? Whats going on isit serious (i kept thinking why all these questions) we then chatted some more and she started saying how she was chatting to someone again whom she knew from university and apprantley he had told her he was seeing someone but she wasnt aware of the situation but hes been asking her out to meet but she said she wasnt sure as to whether if she went he would just say there friends? That she feels like him and her get on better than him and the girl shes seeing, but she was like i need to ask whether he has a girlfriend but then it will be awkward when we see eachother as i have asked that question and he wants to be friends - she goes on to say whenever i speak to him im always laughing (her and my boyfriend are always laughing) and because of all the questions she was asking me it honestly sounds like she was describing my boyfriend and wanted to know if we were together so she could decide if she wanted to make a move ....

I ended up telling her and i felt like she was abit upset, she asked i never see u chat at work but then i guess u have got to make it professional... she then said how did i know i liked him and how long going on for / how comes didnt tell her etc

Now i am a paranoid mess, i go to myboyfriend i wish u never told me u liked her and he goes well u asked me - i said i feel uncfomtable you two being on lunch (i feel like she likes him now, now that he is with me) and i feel like now she likes him he will dump her for me:(

She did show me messages on her phone from this “guy” because i had asked did i know this person

I am so upset my boyfriend tells me to stop being jealous and i wont let things drop (coz i keep going on and on and on about it) i am feeling insecure and dont trust them 2 together how do i cope and am i over reacting

Hi,

I don't think you are going crazy. It sounds like she is definitely crushing on him and trying to feel you out. See if there is a chance for her. Before dating this guy, did she even regularly talk to you? Otherwise she would not have bothered asking you all those personal questions.

This is basically in your hands now. If you feel your boyfriend REALLY likes you he'll stick by you. And you'll have to trust that he'll stick with you. Insecurity really kills the mood in a relationship. If he is willing to stop having lunch with someone who he seems to be very friendly with, that is a big gesture. If you don't believe your connection is strong enough for that I say run for the hills, before you are in too deep.

I think it's fairly obvious she likes him.

It's up to him now to put appropriate boundaries there. You have already told him you're uneasy about their friendship. If he doesn't behave in a way that protects the integrity of your relationship, you need to decide if you want to continue dating him.

The next time she tries to grill you about your relationship, change the subject. She doesn't need the details.

And you need to stop pestering your boyfriend about this. If you don't trust them together, you should break up with him. When there's no trust, there's no relationship. If you keep at him, you will create what you fear and send him running for the hills. Nobody wants to be constantly reminded how insecure their partner is and how much they don't trust them.

EDIT: I just went back and read your other threads. Is this is the same work hook-up you posted about in November? And the same guy who you found on a dating site in the early stages?

Yeh i did speak to her we were quite pally but recently we havent been, she is pretty and the same race as him which makes me paranoid i feel like i am not good enough and he will dump me for her because i am not as pretty

Other people in the office have asked about me and him too not just her but i thin im so sensitive about her because he told me he likes her

He wont stop having lunch at 12 but we are going to have lunch together today, i apologised for keep going at him as i dont want to push him away

I asked this girl to show me a pic of this guy and messages to which she did but i still feel like it was a cover up to get to know info about me and my partner maybe i am being paranoid?? I hate that he likes her and now she likes him its scary

You are not ready to date him if you don't trust him, OP.

She can't interfere unless he gives her the green light. Is he doing that? If he is, get rid of him. If he's not, you need to back off before your insecurity kills this.

I feel like him and her having lunch together everyday is making them grow feelings more if there is already an attraction there so to me that makes me feel uneasy but they both have there lunches at that time - and its not always 1 on 1 there is a group and it is just sitting next door in the kitchen, is this giving the green light? She is very friendly and men are dumb and fall for this and she has even admitted before she likes leading men on

I dont trust no one, married men cheat on there wives for christ sake! How can i trust him if theres attraction there how do u go against that?

OP, he is not a naive child. He won't "fall for" anything he doesn't already want to fall for. You need to stop assuming she is some temptress with magical powers. She isn't.

If you trust no one, you will never be able to have a satisfying relationship. And I say this having been betrayed by a long-term boyfriend myself in the past.

I personally think it's better to break up and work on your self-esteem so you can get to a healthy place. You're in totally the wrong mindset for a relationship right now. And did you ever sort out the situation about him being on the dating site?

Your so completley right i am thinking that because all the men in the office find her attractive so it makes me feel rubbish sometimes i dont feel as pretty and i think is he with me coz hes not with her etc etc

How do i improve my self esteem? Ive been like this as long as i remember as men ive always dated have ALWAYS dumped me for someone else or was seeing someone at same time / never chose me

Yes he deactivted and completley wiped the accounts :)

I feel like him and her having lunch together everyday is making them grow feelings more if there is already an attraction there so to me that makes me feel uneasy but they both have there lunches at that time - and its not always 1 on 1 there is a group and it is just sitting next door in the kitchen, is this giving the green light? She is very friendly and men are dumb and fall for this and she has even admitted before she likes leading men on

 

I dont trust no one, married men cheat on there wives for christ sake! How can i trust him if theres attraction there how do u go against that?

Because human beings choose to remain loyal and make all sorts of choices to do the ethical and right thing. The marriage vows do not say "I will never be attracted to anyone" - they say "I will never act on my attraction by having sex outside of the marriage" -big difference. If you don't trust him to stay loyal to you then you shouldn't be with him. Some married people cheat on their spouses. Some people steal money from their aging parents. So? That is not this person. Do you trust this individual person?

I would like to think i do but i feel like he is a male so they always surcum

I would like to think i do but i feel like he is a male so they always surcum

That's a pretty warped perception of men.

No they don't "always" succumb.

And I say that despite my own dad having cheated on my mom for years.

If you truly feel that way about all men (simply because they're male), you have no business being in a relationship with anyone.

Sorry that sounds harsh, but geez.

And what Batya posted (post 10), spot on.

Not all men will but your BF is giving this girl a reason to mack on him...he is encouraging it, and isn't stopping it from happening. He is just that kind of guy...manipulative, and gas lighting you. You are not seeing things. What to do? dump him to save yourself any more grief.

I would like to think i do but i feel like he is a male so they always surcum

If that is truly how you feel I would not date right now or look to date. It's not fair to the individual men you'd be meeting because of your biased and hostile/negative view. I'm sorry you have this view and I hope you choose to work on this negative perspective and attitude you have. Dating requires building trust but from a perspective of assuming the person has decent intentions and then trusting appropriate to how long and how well you know the person just like with any friend but especially with a potential romantic interest where things could get serious. My husband travels all the time and is surrounded by attractive 20 and 30 somethings for example (we are in our early 50s). No, he would not succumb. Yes I believe that in my heart of hearts. He also wouldn't play with fire. I also know that in my heart of hearts. I may get upset with him, disappointed, etc but I believe he is a person of character and integrity. I do not check up on him, ever. I don't look at his phone, his emails, nothing. I know I don't need to not because I'm that awesome but because he is a trustworthy person and this was true even before we took our wedding vows. And yes he's attractive -not "hot" I suppose but certainly would be a great catch or attract other women who wanted to go that path. And no he would not go there. We've been together a total of almost 15 years, known each other for almost 24 years, married for 9. And you know what, he's not unusual. He's just a good person. Like many many good people.

I would like to think i do but i feel like he is a male so they always surcum

So why on earth are you dating?

You have already convinced yourself that he's a liar so just dump him.

He hasnt been a liar though hes been honest with me? Which is why i cannot handle it :-( i dont think he has bad intentions he is 32 and i am his first ever girlfriend.

Well now that makes sense...Dating you has given him confidence that he's never had before....now it's going to be about what else is out there syndrome.

Yes that is true i will of given him an ego boost , I have given him confidence he has never had (i have been single for years also which is why im insecure that im now in a relationship that wont be there anymore and im back go being single)

What else is out there syndrome? Why though?

I would like to think i do but i feel like he is a male so they always surcum

This right here was the reason I started therapy and it's been helping me A LOT.

It's true, you need to build your self confidence, but it's not going to get fixed by a good makeover or a gym(not that they won't help).

I found that I can't trust men, but mostly I can't trust myself.

You need to believe in yourself and it goes way deeper than looks. Trust your opinions, your instinct, stand up for yourself.

You may think that not trusting him or men in general is an instinct but it's most likely something you've been taught to believe either through a personal experience of a past relationship or, as usual, your parents. It may have been planted in your mind at a very young age that it seems like it's instinct, but it's not. It's freaking confusing, I know, but you can change it with professional help.

I got it from my parents, so I realised that the thought that men always cheat actually led me to picking cheating men unconsciously making me unable to get out of that vicious circle.

I'm sorry if I'm projecting, but I feel that I can relate so much to your story.

Thanks for your reply

Yeh i kinda do feel like that and have always gone for the “bad boy” im older and would like to believe wiser because i never want to go through heartbreak again so i feel like if i look through his phone ill catch him out and “ ill be right as always”

This guy in question looks wise is the complete opposite of what i have ever gone for - not that it matters but it helps create a picture you guys can understand more im taller than him - hes shorter than me - i guess probably more “attractive” but j dont ever look into that and in the beginning HE was the sensitive one going why are you with me etc dont ever leave me, but now i feel like because ive caucut feelings i am becoming really insecure i want to know who hes messaging / look through his phone / check all his social media its not healthy i would always create arguments not on purpose but i neede validation he wanted to be with me, i dont want to lose him and im just soooooo insecure because he told me he liked someone else i lay at night not being able to sleeep just going over and over this - and the girl in question she even admitted to me likes to lead guys on and flirt with them so it makes me so uneasy and she does this with him (always laughing and joking etc) and she described him as a really good friend?? This girl lies alot as well which ive noticed.

How do i trust him? How do i not push him away? But some of the replies say he is now looking for what else is out there because im his first girlfriend??! Its so hard to understand

** i am the more attractive one ** that should read (beauty is in the eye of the beholder of course) and to me he is gorgeous but we are miss matched looks wise im tall and blone and hes short and asian lol its bizarre lol

He is not religious though

I think the reason i think like this is guys ive dated have always dated me and then someone else at the same time and i feel like i am never good enough and why does he want to be with me? Even though im his first girlfriend i have been inexperienced of a good relationship that i do not know how to act and always have that impulse to check on him, i feel like even though i may be better looking i am insecure of how i look sometimes, there is so many pretty girls and he has ended up with me because he has been unlucky also and “has got what he can get” i want to date as im not in my twentys anymore i always over think and think that because we went on lunch yesterday conversation was a little dry

He also suffers from mental health problems he suffers from bad panic attacks from time to time he said he smoked alot when he was younger and this has caused him to be how he is now, ive also noticed he does this weird tapping thing he does - he always taps his chest twice sometimes, i asked him about it and he said he wasnt ready to tell me? Sorry go multi post

I think the reason i think like this is guys ive dated have always dated me and then someone else at the same time and i feel like i am never good enough and why does he want to be with me? Even though im his first girlfriend i have been inexperienced of a good relationship that i do not know how to act and always have that impulse to check on him, i feel like even though i may be better looking i am insecure of how i look sometimes, there is so many pretty girls and he has ended up with me because he has been unlucky also and “has got what he can get” i want to date as im not in my twentys anymore i always over think and think that because we went on lunch yesterday conversation was a little dry

 

He also suffers from mental health problems he suffers from bad panic attacks from time to time he said he smoked alot when he was younger and this has caused him to be how he is now, ive also noticed he does this weird tapping thing he does - he always taps his chest twice sometimes, i asked him about it and he said he wasnt ready to tell me? Sorry go multi post

Well you said it yourself, looks don't matter. Honestly, the real problem is that you never feel good enough and you really have to dig deep to find out why. Focusing on what he does will only continue the cycle. Everyone in here has the best intentions, but you are in a place right now where the more info you get, the more you overthink. Again, don't focus on him, focus on you.

The more you post, the more I can relate. It's like if you search through his phone and find something, you will be relieved in a weird way right? Also, in the beginning I bet everything was great, you were almost over confident and thought that this time things will be different, because he's a decent guy. Well, again, it has nothing to do with him, well mostly.

I honestly strongly advise you to seek therapy. I wish I was a therapist to help you, but I'm not. Write down your feelings, the reason why you think you feel like this and what you do when you do(as in action). It might be something the therapist will ask you.

It will change your life, I promise!