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Hi. I’m looking to see if what I’m going to describe is called fear of loss. Or what would it be called?

 

Is this what it’s called when people around me are hurtful, draining, poison, destructive but I cling to whatever seems good, spin my wheels trying to make things “better”, perhaps to make the other person happy, secretly hoping I could get away from them because existing with them is so terrible—-but also live in fear that they’re going to push me out, dump me, fire me?

This all leading to subconsciously or purposefully wanting to end this torture so I act out or lamely fight back hopefully trying to get the other person to end it. All the while —then—secretly hoping that maybe fighting back will correct what has been wrong and this relationship can finally be good and have few problems.

 

This knowing relationships and jobs are not right for me yet lingering in them has been a lifelong pattern and I want to stop it. I would prefer to be a person who takes action sooner vs never when I see a relationship or job is bad for me. I STAY under the idea of doing the right/good/helpful/stable/loving thing as per my personal self judgement. At some point I become passive aggressive and end up basically challenging the person to get rid of me—-cause I cannot bring myself to leave. This applies to romantic relationships, friendships, family and job/career.

A therapist I had drew a connection between my staying in my long term marriage that was broken from the start —to— my maintaining a relationship specifically with my mother/parents where the therapist deemed my mothers behavior as a relationship breaker.

My answer to the therapist was—She is my mother, I love her. You don’t just cut off your family. (It would be like death.)

 

I feel like these scenarios drive from the same place, although they’re each different. Basically I want some perspective on what this is and then I want to learn more and figure out how to overcome it.

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Well, I think there's a couple of things going on. You didn't give any specific stories, but I would guess you've been emotionally abused and this has led you to having a loss of self-esteem and a lack of sense of self. Your inability to leave is emotional dependency. You stay with the people who hurt you because who else do you have? You act out because you're not in control of your life. You probably feel you're not deserving of love, and you're probably suffering from depression.

 

You should probably see a doctor and get on some meds. When you feel better you can start taking control of your life. It sounds like you need to get out of your marriage, get away from your mother. Just going off on your own might be the best medicine for you. Move away. Make new friends. Start a new life. If you have anyone who can help you, a friend or a cousin, then ask for help from them. Maybe you can stay with them so you can find some hope in your life.

 

If you want to discuss this further, feel free to use this site. Sometimes just writing about your problems can be very therapeutic.

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DanZee—I did get divorced. I asked for it. I had been approaching, thinking about it for years under a mental assumption that for me, divorce was not allowed. I had brought up the problem subjects on repeat, but with variation, only to get circular, gas lighting, accusatory, mocking responses. Change for a couple days then back to the usual. I went AlAnon. I went to a therapist. I got a new friend and contacted my old friends which had stopped associating because I was with him. All of this was threatening to him. He correctly assumed that I was discussing our problems with others. I asked for a divorce. He declined. Wanted couples therapy. We went. The therapist was useless in repairing what was shattered. Basically he counseled me that if I was unable to demand a divorce then I needed to leave the house on the weekends for a relief because of my stress.

Finally I was counseled to get custody done first cause he would try to take the kids from me if I went straight for divorce. When I had him served with custody papers—it was the most scared I’ve ever been in my life. I left with the kids for a few days. Then proceeded in court. Then moved on to divorce. He wouldn’t leave the house and fought the divorce the entire time. It was the most hellish 2-3 years of my life and damaged our children as well.

I didn’t approach divorce for the 8 years I was thinking about it because I was afraid of how bad it would be. It was much worse.

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Well, I think there's a couple of things going on. You didn't give any specific stories, but I would guess you've been emotionally abused and this has led you to having a loss of self-esteem and a lack of sense of self. Your inability to leave is emotional dependency. You stay with the people who hurt you because who else do you have? You act out because you're not in control of your life. You probably feel you're not deserving of love, and you're probably suffering from depression.

 

You should probably see a doctor and get on some meds. When you feel better you can start taking control of your life. It sounds like you need to get out of your marriage, get away from your mother. Just going off on your own might be the best medicine for you. Move away. Make new friends. Start a new life. If you have anyone who can help you, a friend or a cousin, then ask for help from them. Maybe you can stay with them so you can find some hope in your life.

 

If you want to discuss this further, feel free to use this site. Sometimes just writing about your problems can be very therapeutic.

***

 

Thank you. Yes. I find this site to be very helpful.

I left my parents house as soon as I was able to after college. It was an emotional/mental/physically abusive household and we were low income—but I thought all of it was normal and that we were middle class until I had gone into therapy during my divorce. I still have a hard time fully acknowledging those things.

I learned later on that even though they didn’t drink, the mentality was very similar to that of an alcoholic household. I have since forgiven them in my mind; realizing that they are victims of their own upbringing. I do everything I can to not repeat their patterns to my children.

 

—And then I moved to a different town and married into a family of alcoholic/addicts. I guess it all seemed familiar to me.

 

Lack of self esteem has been a catalyst to plenty of trouble in my life. But post divorce, I’ve grown a backbone, stick up for myself and children, accept myself for who I am, try to improve what I want, and expect people to treat me with respect.

 

I do feel that I deserve love. But I have a hard time knowing if what someone is giving me is love or something else. So I get my signals crossed often. The good news is that I know there are people who love me.

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You sound masochistic to me and also a people pleaser at your own expense. Are you still seeing a therapist? If not, I think you need one to get to the root of your issues and learn how to resolve them.

 

Honestly, I had to look that up to find the nonsexual meaning. And I would say that description generally did fit me most of my life up until my divorce.

So where I’m no longer carrying out perfectionistic patterns, no longer saying yes to everything for example —I still have gut instincts that feel as if I should.

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You sound a lot like me. Desperate for external validation and when someone takes it away, you do everything you can to try and get it back. There is no quick fix - I have had this in me probably since adolescence. The issue is that the world is filled with cold, selfish people who will throw a crumb your way. and you will nibble on that crumb and it will make you feel good for a day...only to realize later that that's all they had in them. A crumb. Better to associate with people who will give you an entire slice of bread. But yeah I mean basically it's an attachment disorder. Well, actually I shouldn't say disorder. That sounds pathologic. It's just difficulty with letting go because you want people to like you, and the feelings you form are real. When they are unreciprocated, it hurts, so you try to get them to be reciprocated by going the extra mile, which only makes things worse.

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You don't trust your own judgement. That's why you stay in places for a lot longer than you should.

 

You're afraid of having your decisions questioned and you not having an answer that is satisfactory to said questioner. The answers only have to satisfy you because it's your life you're living, not anyone else's.

 

You have to get to a place where what you decide for your own well being and highest good only has to be approved by you and not a committee of people indirectly affected by your decisions.

 

If you feel it's time to get out of a relationship or a job, then that's valid for you.

 

Also, if your mother is toxic and not good for your well being, then you have to put distance between you and her. Yes, you do cut them back or off, depending how badly the impact of their behavior on you is. You can love someone from a distance--you don't have to submit yourself to their punishment.

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Boundaries, standing up for yourself and focusing more on gaining respect rather than trying to make people like you would help a lot.

 

Thank you. Yes. I employed boundaries last night in one of my situations. A floundering, flakey man I am supposedly dating. Once again he made non-commital, backing out of loosely laid plans via text at noon. Never actually heard back from him. But we had started a text exchange so I thought we were volleying texts only to realize later that his noon time flake out was his last text of the day. So after work I texted that he had X minutes to get back to me. Then I texted pragmatically that I had made other plans for the night. No anger. No friendliness. He can imagine that I went on another date... actually just had a nice time w my kids. But I also signed up for a dating site. I have feelings for this man, but he’s not meeting my needs or expectations no matter if he says he wants to or will. He’s not. Actions are more important than words.

I’m fully aware that men exist who are local, truly available, attractive, good, etc.

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You don't trust your own judgement. That's why you stay in places for a lot longer than you should.

 

You're afraid of having your decisions questioned and you not having an answer that is satisfactory to said questioner. The answers only have to satisfy you because it's your life you're living, not anyone else's.

 

You have to get to a place where what you decide for your own well being and highest good only has to be approved by you and not a committee of people indirectly affected by your decisions.

 

If you feel it's time to get out of a relationship or a job, then that's valid for you.

 

Also, if your mother is toxic and not good for your well being, then you have to put distance between you and her. Yes, you do cut them back or off, depending how badly the impact of their behavior on you is. You can love someone from a distance--you don't have to submit yourself to their punishment.

 

I love my parents and they’re getting older. So, when I was a teen or young adult, I could’ve used a site like this or a therapist to curb the damage. Now, I’m older too and I’ve learned some strategies to trust my own judgement, selfworth, values, etc. I live far away from them and contact is mainly by phone. Now, I wish I could see them more while still appreciating the insulation of the physical distance. I feel that at this point I need to make the best of life despite whatever drawbacks have come my way and it’s my job to grow and unlearn unsupportive thought patterns. I’m trying.

 

The not leaving a job—has happened mainly due to financial fear and paycheck to paycheck situation. Where I am now is with supervisors who dont or rarely acknowledge great work I do. There’s a history of treating me like a 2nd class citizen:Too long to mention. It’s psychologically unhealthy. But I cannot go without income. The problem comes in where I cannot focus my energy to only pursue finding a better job. I think if I had been able to do that I could’ve fixed this sooner. Still applying. Still interviewing. A world of personal and financial judgement would come down on me if I just quit. I do get concerned about other people’s judgement including my children if I’m offered and take a job where I cant give them the attention and support they need or expect from me. Therefore, I’ve felt this horrible job holds the payoff of giving me flexibility to tend to my children.

 

I took what you said about relationships to heart. I’ve felt that the pseudo relationship I’ve been in—that I needed to hold on to it or only be interested in him—simply because I told him I was only thinking of him. As in, to keep my word. But, he’s not treating me the way I think is right. Only seeing him is a rule I think I made up for myself. So, I decided to let go of my thinking that I should make it work with this guy and I signed up for a dating site. I’m going to try, for once, multi dating, taking none of them seriously until I know enough about someone and it’s a sane, mutual match.

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Hi. I’m looking to see if what I’m going to describe is called fear of loss. Or what would it be called?

 

Is this what it’s called when people around me are hurtful, draining, poison, destructive but I cling to whatever seems good, spin my wheels trying to make things “better”, perhaps to make the other person happy, secretly hoping I could get away from them because existing with them is so terrible—-but also live in fear that they’re going to push me out, dump me, fire me?

 

Fear of abandonment?

 

I have that to some degree. I think it's always present. It's something that has to be managed. I don't think it just goes away, because it's usually ingrained from a very early age. But there may come a point where you recognize your pattern and are able to pause and reflect on situations rather than react to them in your habitual manner. It also helps to have a wonderful, understanding partner. So part of the management is holding out for a good person to come along, who doesn't chastise you for your imperfections, but caters to them and respects them as part of who you are.

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