Guaging interest online

Got tired of waiting around to be messaged by men I might be interested in online so I messaged a few guys who I thought seemed interesting.

One in particular replied and he seems to have a lot in common with me, head screwed on and stable.

I have noticed however that although he replies at length he hasn’t complemented me and his last reply asked no questions in 6 paragraphs!

Is this disinterest, rudeness or should I just pay attention to this and keep messaging as usual, volunteering information in absence of questions and asking questions of him?

The key to ruling out time-wasters, pen-pals, etc. is to message briefly and proceed to meeting for coffee/whatever asap. Definitely avoid trying to build rapport/a relationship before meeting by worrying about message content or intervals. Essays and not moving to meet up are red flags of a weirdo/time-waster.... Edit: or constipation according to j.man, lol.

I have noticed however that although he replies at length he hasn’t complemented me and his last reply asked no questions in 6 paragraphs! Is this disinterest, rudeness or should I just pay attention to this and keep messaging as usual, volunteering information in absence of questions and asking questions of him?

Why would he compliment you when he doesnt know you?

A lengthy response could mean little more than his morning dump was taking awhile. Gauge interest by how they act across a table, not on a screen.

Tell him you are enjoying the exchange and would like to continue it face to face. Then ask him when he is available to meet for coffee.

Don't get involved with endless e-mailing and exchange of information with strangers. You are wasting time. The only thing that matters is how it goes face to face.

Generally you get at least some indication that they are attracted to you. Zilch from this guy unless “you seem cool” counts. Then again I’ve hardly showered him with compliments either.

Yes valid points and I have noticed that when I have got to know the essentials and tire of lengthy messages (so my replies become brief) they get the hint and swap numbers or ask to meet. I shan’t be asking to meet those I messaged. I like a somewhat traditional dynamic so if the guy doesn’t like or feel comfortable doing some asking on dates etc then he’s not for me anyway. I’ll rein it in with this one as I don’t have time for pen pals 🤣

Yes valid points and I have noticed that when I have got to know the essentials and tire of lengthy messages (so my replies become brief) they get the hint and swap numbers or ask to meet. I shan’t be asking to meet those I messaged. I like a somewhat traditional dynamic so if the guy doesn’t like or feel comfortable doing some asking on dates etc then he’s not for me anyway. I’ll rein it in with this one as I don’t have time for pen pals 🤣

That's just playing coy.

Anyway, you can't gauge traditional when you start out online. There is nothing traditional about it. Besides, that ship already sailed when you reached out and started messaging them first. You already took charge so carry it through. Once you meet face to face, THEN you can actually start figuring out real life dynamics with each other. What happens online is really quite meaningless in that respect.

When I was using OLD, if the guy wasn't asking to meet within a few exchanges, I would. It wasn't that those guys were too shy, etc, etc, etc. It was simply that they don't know what each woman wants. Some want to e-mail forever. Some don't. Only way he knows what I want is if I speak up and tell him. Makes life so much easier than playing "guess what I'm thinking" games. It also had the added benefit of quickly weeding out those who are just looking to be pen pals. If you suggest to meet and the guy is interested in meeting, he'll jump on it. If you get excuses, you've got a pen pal you can safely delete.

Also don't give out too much info to online people. Upon meeting you can gauge interest/attraction and if you want to continue.

Got tired of waiting around to be messaged by men I might be interested in online so I messaged a few guys who I thought seemed interesting.

 

One in particular replied and he seems to have a lot in common with me, head screwed on and stable.

 

I have noticed however that although he replies at length he hasn’t complemented me and his last reply asked no questions in 6 paragraphs!

 

Is this disinterest, rudeness or should I just pay attention to this and keep messaging as usual, volunteering information in absence of questions and asking questions of him?

If you're not getting lots of messages, join a different site or deactivate you account and reactivate in a few weeks.

Or change your profile and update pics.

On average, women typically get so many responses, no need to message men first and men know this too.

So when they receive a message from a woman first, they think "hmm must be something wrong with her if she's messaging me first."

That's the mentality of many men on line.

Guy I am dating now I met on line, he's been on line (off and on) for years and he admiited that to me!

If you reupped your POF account it shows that you've been on there forever. Delete it and go with other free apps like OKC, Tinder, etc. If you are serious about dating/meeting higher quality matches get at least one pay site and take advantage of a free trial, free period promo.

Got tired of waiting around to be messaged by men I might be interested in online so I messaged a few guys who I thought seemed interesting.

Just curious, how many messages do women receive per day on a common dating site? 20?40? 1000? Is it possible to read them all? Do you use screening software like companies with CVs?

OP, like other posters already alluded you can ask him to meet in person. Don't make assumptions and don't play the "hard to get" on a dating site.

Dancing fool. Getting bored and playing coy are not the same. I also don’t agree that who makes the moves in online exchanges is meaningless.

I did consider that some men might delay suggesting to meet or exchanging numbers for fear of scaring women off. Personally nothing a phone call and a brief initial meet in a very public place can’t resolve.

I think in this instance I messaged him first, I am asking all the questions and he doesn’t seem to be reciprocating a great deal which doesn’t work for me. I just get the vibe he is disinterested.

I’ve learnt a lot from these responses because a dealbreaker for me is chatting for more than a fortnight with no attempt to progress, perhaps I ought to revise that to include too many lengthy messages.

Wiseman Yeah I generally try and get some indicator that they meet my absolute minimum requirements and wether we have any common interests/values

So when they receive a message from a woman first, they think "hmm must be something wrong with her if she's messaging me first."

 

That's the mentality of many men on line.

 

Guy I am dating now I met on line, he's been on line for years and he admiited that to me!

While it's contingent on where someone lives, you could be talking thousands of profiles, and there's a good chance a guy simply never came across a woman's profile to message her even if he wanted to. It's, at best, obnoxiously cynical to assume anything other than someone having seen a profile, liking it, and deciding to act on that interest. It's not because I'm desperate for George's Pizza that I walk the extra 5 blocks to grab a slice there when I live in NYC and am drowning in pizza shops. It's because it's a damn good slice and it's really not a whole lot of extra effort to get it.

Additionally, there's power in choice, not limiting yourself to what happens to land in front of you. In fact, I'd say especially for women who find themselves swimming in inbox messages, it's incredibly valuable not just in going after what you know you're attracted to, but sheer time efficiency in having those five or whatever guys whose responses you know you'll want to read should they get back to you.

Now I'm no 10/10, and, for better or worse, I do lack breasts, so I know my inbox never rivaled that of a semi-attractive woman on OLD, but at one point I was getting more messages from women than I cared to read, and spending the time essentially vetting profiles of women who messaged me rather than scrolling through my own searches for someone I knew I found attractive and wanted to learn more about got pretty stale. Ultimately, my OLD experience was best when I got around to incorporating a good balance of both, and I'd only ever encourage women to do the same should they feel so inclined.

This is all assuming we're discounting a lady hitting up every profile she can with a "how r u" or "ur cute lol" by the sole virtue of the guy having a profile name, which is every bit as desperate as it would be a man doing the same. Of course, everyone is entitled to their preferences and propensities to do the engaging or to be engaged with, but for a guy to receive an appropriate and personalized message (though hopefully not quite to Steinbeck proportions) and consider it anything other the woman happening to be thoughtful, even if assertive (pretty bare-bones traits of any mature and productive adult), it'd take him either being a pretty ***hole or having a grasp on nuance limited to the different ways one can eat an Oreo.

If you reupped your POF account it shows that you've been on there forever. Delete it and go with other free apps like OKC, Tinder, etc. If you are serious about dating/meeting higher quality matches get at least one pay site and take advantage of a free trial, free period promo.

It’s an entirely new account on POF and various other sites. I wouldn’t go on Tinder as I hate the format. I tried OKC and deleted that as you don’t see messages unless you visit that persons profile, so how are you to know who has messaged you?

I will pay if I don’t get anywhere with the free ones but I don’t think it’s money well spent whilst I have more pressing priorities. Not a massive amount of time or money for relentless dating at the moment.

I stop talking to men who don’t reciprocate conversation. If they don’t ask questions I view them as selfish - right or wrong.

If you're not getting lots of messages, join a different site or deactivate you account and reactivate in a few weeks.

 

Or change your profile and update pics.

 

On average, women typically get so many responses, no need to message men first and men know this too.

 

So when they receive a message from a woman first, they think "hmm must be something wrong with her if she's messaging me first."

 

That's the mentality of many men on line.

 

Guy I am dating now I met on line, he's been on line (off and on) for years and he admiited that to me!

I’m not getting a great deal of messages as I have a lot of email filters to weed out men I’m not interested in and I don’t spend a great deal of time on there, which is when I seem to get an influx of messages.

I got friends to help me choose pics that reflect me well, rather than ones that are most flattering. I suppose I could change my profile pic to the most flattering one. I gave a very honest intro to say I want to settle down and that’s what I’m looking for. I’m no dolly bird, I’m a tomboy and I swear a lot. That might be offputting to many who are looking for a genuine connection?

Who knows, maybe I ought to leave the app open to get some interest as I think they’re usually listed in order of last online?

Just curious, how many messages do women receive per day on a common dating site? 20?40? 1000? Is it possible to read them all? Do you use screening software like companies with CVs?

 

OP, like other posters already alluded you can ask him to meet in person. Don't make assumptions and don't play the "hard to get" on a dating site.

When I used to spend a lot of time on there and had more revealing or attractive pics I literally didn’t have time to respond to them all! Now I’m barely online and have deliberately chosen more natural and not at all sexy pics I don’t get a lot, maybe 3-5 a day but they’re from a lot better quality of men imo.

I think I will probably have to if nobody is asking me!

I stop talking to men who don’t reciprocate conversation. If they don’t ask questions I view them as selfish - right or wrong.

Yes my interest is waning. Conversation is a two way street!

You should probably find a guy who either values himself more or is a tad less sexist, depending on the angle of his thought process.

 

While it's contingent on where someone lives, you could be talking thousands of profiles, and there's a good chance a guy simply never came across a woman's profile to message her even if he wanted to. It's, at best, obnoxiously cynical to assume anything other than someone having seen a profile, liking it, and deciding to act on that interest. It's not because I'm desperate for George's Pizza that I walk the extra 5 blocks to grab a slice there when I live in NYC and am drowning in pizza shops. It's because it's a damn good slice and it's really not a whole lot of extra effort to get it.

 

Additionally, there's power in choice, not limiting yourself to what happens to land in front of you. In fact, I'd say especially for women who find themselves swimming in inbox messages, it's incredibly valuable not just in going after what you know you're attracted to, but sheer time efficiency in having those five or whatever guys whose responses you know you'll want to read should they get back to you.

 

Now I'm no 10/10, and, for better or worse, I do lack breasts, so I know my inbox never rivaled that of a semi-attractive woman on OLD, but at one point I was getting more messages from women than I cared to read, and spending the time essentially vetting profiles of women who messaged me rather than scrolling through my own searches for someone I knew I found attractive and wanted to learn more about got pretty stale. Ultimately, my OLD experience was best when I got around to incorporating a good balance of both, and I'd only ever encourage women to do the same should they feel so inclined.

 

This is all assuming we're discounting a lady hitting up every profile she can with a "how r u" or "ur cute lol" by the sole virtue of the guy having a profile name, which is every bit as desperate as it would be a man doing the same. Of course, everyone is entitled to their preferences and propensities to do the engaging or to be engaged with, but for a guy to receive an appropriate and personalized message (though hopefully not quite to Steinbeck proportions) and consider it anything other the woman happening to be thoughtful, even if assertive (pretty bare-bones traits of any mature and productive adult), it'd take him either being a pretty ***hole or having a grasp on nuance limited to the different ways one can eat an Oreo.

If I was a guy I would certainly be more cautious of a woman messaging me but as you say, there’s only so much sifting through profiles of senders of messages you can do before you consider that you’d find what you want by looking yourself!

That's just playing coy.

 

Anyway, you can't gauge traditional when you start out online. There is nothing traditional about it. Besides, that ship already sailed when you reached out and started messaging them first. You already took charge so carry it through. Once you meet face to face, THEN you can actually start figuring out real life dynamics with each other. What happens online is really quite meaningless in that respect.

 

When I was using OLD, if the guy wasn't asking to meet within a few exchanges, I would. It wasn't that those guys were too shy, etc, etc, etc. It was simply that they don't know what each woman wants. Some want to e-mail forever. Some don't. Only way he knows what I want is if I speak up and tell him. Makes life so much easier than playing "guess what I'm thinking" games. It also had the added benefit of quickly weeding out those who are just looking to be pen pals. If you suggest to meet and the guy is interested in meeting, he'll jump on it. If you get excuses, you've got a pen pal you can safely delete.

I messaged or e-mailed once or twice with the purpose of getting a phone number. Then spoke for 20-30 minutes -for two reasons -first to see whether I thought we could be comfortable meeting in person for about an hour and second to do my safety screening. If he didn't suggest meeting I did. I did not ask him out and I never was asked out -to me it's not a date until after you meet and he asks you out. I let him ask me out for the first date. It didn't matter to me why the near-stranger wasn't suggesting to meet -all that mattered to me was meeting in person or moving on ASAP.

OK, print out jmann's post and read it over and over until you truly internalize it.

I couldn't agree more with the power of choice. I am considered highly attractive, my inbox would be slammed when I was using OLD. But I'll be dammed if I just settle for whatever guys decide to contact me. If I like his profile I'd contact him. I've never had a guy get some kind of an attitude of "you must have been desperate", quite the opposite - the men were thrilled that I had reached out.

Anyway, I'd like to share a funny story about this online thing and the debate about who reaches out to who and so on. One of my LTR's we had met online. Several months in, I met his bff and the first question from him was, so who contacted who first. My bf at the time and I looked at each other and we were totally stumped. No clue, no recollection - it really didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was that first date and how we took off from there - totally mutual interest. Ask us about real life dates and you'll get nauseating details of what all we did, how it went and so on, ask about online bs and who contacted who.....no clue. Literally. Not one instance of this either, just one example I'm posting. When you meet face to face and the interest turns out to be mutual, things simply flow from there. How you got there is truly irrelevant. I also agree with jmann that I'd be wary of any man who keeps score and judges.

OK, print out jmann's post and read it over and over until you truly internalize it.

 

I couldn't agree more with the power of choice. I am considered highly attractive, my inbox would be slammed when I was using OLD. But I'll be dammed if I just settle for whatever guys decide to contact me. If I like his profile I'd contact him. I've never had a guy get some kind of an attitude of "you must have been desperate", quite the opposite - the men were thrilled that I had reached out.

 

Anyway, I'd like to share a funny story about this online thing and the debate about who reaches out to who and so on. One of my LTR's we had met online. Several months in, I met his bff and the first question from him was, so who contacted who first. My bf at the time and I looked at each other and we were totally stumped. No clue, no recollection - it really didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was that first date and how we took off from there - totally mutual interest. Ask us about real life dates and you'll get nauseating details of what all we did, how it went and so on, ask about online bs and who contacted who.....no clue. Literally. Not one instance of this either, just one example I'm posting. When you meet face to face and the interest turns out to be mutual, things simply flow from there. How you got there is truly irrelevant. I also agree with jmann that I'd be wary of any man who keeps score and judges.

Same exact thing here. You contacting a stranger on line has nothing to do with dating -steps before dating, preliminary. You're contacting him to see if he wants to talk and then meet in person and then, if he is interested in dating you, and you want the "traditional" way then let him ask you out on a date.

I messaged or e-mailed once or twice with the purpose of getting a phone number. Then spoke for 20-30 minutes -for two reasons -first to see whether I thought we could be comfortable meeting in person for about an hour and second to do my safety screening. If he didn't suggest meeting I did. I did not ask him out and I never was asked out -to me it's not a date until after you meet and he asks you out. I let him ask me out for the first date. It didn't matter to me why the near-stranger wasn't suggesting to meet -all that mattered to me was meeting in person or moving on ASAP.

I suppose when you put it like that it makes more sense, you meet and then if he wants to woo you after that then the balls in his court. You are just having the initial meet, as you would meet in real life. Thanks that’s a really helpful perspective