Relationship Appreciation

Hey guys it’s been a while since I made a post. Definitely a good thing. My relationship is pretty stable right now and things are going good for us. I’ve made a lot of personal changes and feel a lot more confident in my relationship now.

Obviously I’m on here because I’m having an issue. A little different I would say.

Ok to jump into so basically I’ve been feeling somthing lately and I’m not sure how to combat it. I’ve been feeling under appreciated in my relationship. For starters I think one potential issue for this is maybe I’m the one under appreciating her in the way of not recognizing what all she’s doing for me and showing how much she cares. This could be the issue. If you think it is what things should I look out for to help solidify in my mind that she isn’t under appreciating me and that it’s just me? ( Will go into depth about my relationship at the bottom of the post to help you grasp the situation better)

Now in all honesty I’m not sure what to pin my feelings on thus why I’m here. I think the 2nd reason I could be feeling this way is that I really am being under appreciated. If you think this is the case. How can I bring this up when we talk? How can I talk to her about this so we can work through it without coming off as accusing and end up starting a fight?

Now into my relationship. So we have been dating for 3+ months so not to long. The main issue I think and it’s taken me a while to pin point is our communication. I don’t think we talk enough and I think that it has become the main source of problems in our relationship. When it comes to talking, this is where I start to kind of see the under appreciation. Granted there’s other examples I’ll give the easiest in my opinion to understand. Is that when we talk I’m usally the one pulling all the weight I’m the one talking the most and asking questions. The main thing is I feel like I work so hard to make her happy and show her I care and I feel like I don’t get the same in return.

Another question I have is How can we improve our communication? How can I be able to tell her all these things?

So background knowledge about me and her. So the start with my issues I’m a nervous wreck and I get anxiety out the wazzoo. I have a hard time trusting and opening up that I’m slowly but surely working on.

Now for her she is kind of distracted I feel and she has really bad depression. I’m not talking self diagnosing either. It hurts me to see her down like that. Another side question is (how can I help her? Not in a get better sense cause I can’t but how should I act when she’s depressed to help?)

We are like hot and cold and for some reason we mesh really well. We get along great and tend to have a ton of fun when we are together.

Overall what is your opinion on this and what do you think we should do to work on it?

Well, what exactly is happening? Is she accusing you of not paying attention to her, and not being attentive enough? Is she acting all jealous and clingy? Is she telling you you're making mistakes and not doing enough? I'm starting to get the feeling she may be emotionally abusing you based on how you're feeling. If you're all defensive and you feel like you're walking on egg shells all the time, that could be the case. Also, the relationship is going to be rough if she's suffering from depression. She has to have that treated because you're both going to be miserable until that's under control. What will happen is her depression will just spread to you and one of you will break up because you can't take the stress any more.

If you want to give more information about what's going on, we can give you more advice.

People who suffer from depression often act just the way she is - they appear to be in mental fog and can barely function some days. They often struggle to care for themselves, let alone a romantic partner.

Is she being treated? If not, there is very little you can do. She has to want to attend to her mental health. If yes, you can let her know you will be there to listen when she needs you or would like to get out and have a good time. But you cannot fix this, as you know. You cannot and should not assume a care-taker role here.

I have to say that it's unlikely you'll get the attention and care you want if she suffers badly from depression. That doesn't mean she doesn't care about you, but true depression is a soul-sucker. If you're looking for a consistently engaged, attentive and energetic partner, you're not going to find it in her while she is struggling. That's not a shot at her; that's just the nature of the illness.

None of this means that you should ignore your own relationship needs, either. If you want more appreciation and communication, you will need to be specific. But keep in mind that you might not like the response you get. Depressed people generally have an incredibly difficult time attending to others' needs when they can hardly take care of their own. You will need to think carefully about whether you can accept that, given her current condition.

The reason I'm on here is following the break up of a girl with depression. Without going into it again things were great for 3/4 months then she started to feel depressed (not about the relationship but there were external factors) ultimately broke up with me, then ghosted me and her feelings went in her recovery process (although she's not there yet)

There may have been some inevitability about it all...but what would definitely have helped is if we'd communicated better. We never talked about the underlying issues that we were both dealing with, we just concentrated on the fun stuff and avoided anything heavy. It also didn't help that I didn't understand the extent of her depression and anxiety (or even what that meant at all)

I also felt underappreciated as she atarted to slowly pull away and becone more distant. I tool it personally whereas it wasnt about me. She was hurting and didnt know how to deal with it. Ultimately she decided that she couldnt deal with the relationship amd put me through what she was dealing with. Without talking to me about it (she probably felt I wouldnt understand anyway and that might be partly die to how i was reacting right then) she ended the relationship. Communication is key in all relationships. It's hard to talk about serious stuff in a new relationship but its the cornerstone of a solid partnership.

Read what MissC has said about relationships with a depressed person. You need to be totally sure you can deal with this (and even then she may make the decision for you) and be prepared for what might happen.

Now into my relationship. So we have been dating for 3+ months so not to long. The main issue I think and it’s taken me a while to pin point is our communication.

Some information that might help is

- how old are each of you?

- did either recently come out of another relationship?

- do you enjoy the same activities - eg hiking, or tennis or whatever - and is that the enjoyable part?

- do you live close to each other or is there any distance involved?

These are all things that can have an effect.

It sounds like you are depending on her way too much and suffocating her. Go out on dates and have fun. Plan activities. Stop sitting around stoned and talking too much.

Some information that might help is

 

 

- how old are each of you?

 

- did either recently come out of another relationship?

 

- do you enjoy the same activities - eg hiking, or tennis or whatever - and is that the enjoyable part?

 

- do you live close to each other or is there any distance involved?

 

These are all things that can have an effect.

We both 17

She got out of a relationship about a month before we started dating.

The enjoyable part is her company, but yes we are both runner and we both paint.

She lives about 2 1/2 miles away so not really.

Just a side note I don’t smoke anymore.