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Living with significant other


Cash14

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Hi. Let me start off by saying my boyfriend & I have been together for 7 yrs. He is 29 & I am 27. In the 7 yrs we've been together, we have been thru hell & back. When we first started dating, we were both living with our parents. I had no job for quite some time at the beginning & he....Well he was making money the not so honest way...If you catch my drift. Besides that, we enjoyed eachothers company. He would take me out to eat, catch a movie. Just the cute little stuff.

 

Fast foward a year ( yes a year ), i finally obtained a job. I didn't make much money but way more than i had the year prior ( none, unless my parents gave me some. I was 19/20 lol. ) Also during this time, the law caught up with him causing him to go to jail a few months, house arrest, probation, etc. As a result, he had absolutely no money & no job because he was now a felon. With being a felon for marijuana related charges, it's very hard to obtain employment. I did everything for us because i remembered when the shoe was on other foot. When i ate, he ate. If he wanted a milkshake from mcdonalds just because, i bought it. Wanna go to the movies? Choose the time. He stood by me when i had nothing to offer so i had to make sure i did the same.

 

Thankfully, he got a job by the grace of God. But as quick as that came, it went by even quicker. He was fired. Back to square one. Remember what i said about being a felon? Well for the next five years, he had no job. He applied to more places I could count to no success. He even got as far as an interview but once that background check came back, it was an automatic no. It broke my heart to see this light in his eyes every time he walked out the door dressed his best feeling confident that this will be the one just to come home & he see that very same light diminished. I would tell him its okay, don't give up. Keep the faith, it'll come.

 

I eventually got a better job ( current ) & moved out of my parents house into my own apartment. Still, i did everything for us. & when i say everything, i mean everything. I wanted him to move in with me knowing he had nothing to contribute. But i didn't care because i just wanted him there with me. & besides, i liked having the security that if something went wrong with us, he could just leave. No strings attached. At the beginning of living with eachother & just until recently, we would alternate between the doing the dishes & cooking. He would take out the trash most of the time. Being that he didnt have anything to contribute financially, he would do the above things. I do all the cleaning & all the laundry.

 

This is where things get frustrating. Although he is now a felon, he went back to selling marijuana because he was tired of being without money. I mean....it is what is. Just don't be stupid enough to get caught again. As bad as that sounds. So now at this point, he has a little money. I ask him to contribute a little bit of money. Literally a little. Like pay the 30$ water bill every other month & half of the electric which is only 60$ total. So his portion will only be 30$ a month!!! Compared to everything else that needs to paid...That i pay. He did that for a couple months but then the excuses started rolling about him not having a job & that he has bills too ( paying on fines monthly.) so him giving me money for the above bills stopped. I went back to paying everything & still til this day i do.

 

A friend of his offered him a job to work him. For the past 7 months, he's been earning an honest income. But still selling marijuana here &there. I was under impression that after he gets settled into his job & save a little money, i would finally. be getting help with half of these bills. I was sadly mistaken. His reasoning is that the apartment is in my name & so therefore its not his. His name isn't on it so therefore he doesn't want to contribute financially. I tried to explain to him, if you're paying half the bills, its your house too! No matter whose name is on the lease. He feels otherwise. He feels that i still have the upper hand of kicking him out if we get into it. Which makes no sense. I would never put him out of his own home if he pays to live there just like i do. Granted, i have put him out but i had that right because it's my house & he doesnt pay not one bill. So yeah.

 

I've told him that its fine that you want your own place with your name on it but you can't still live here. It's not fair to me having a man in my house but not helping me with the load that comes with it. You have to go back to your parents or something. He says okay, it lasts for a week. But now he's back living with me & all of his clothes are at my apartment. I am already resenting him for not helping me but what makes matters worse, he doesnt clean up after himself & when he does i have to tell him. When i do that, he catches an attitude. I'm always having to clean up after him & I'm just so over it.

 

Am I wrong for feeling that we should be splitting the bills? He has a job now & when there aren't anymore excuses, he still has them. We've been together since forever & i really feel that we're meant for one another but he's now making that vision hard. He'll be 30 in September & not getting any younger. Why isn't he trying to make this step further into our relationship? I'm just so confused. I've done so much for this relationship & he seems to have forgot. He doesn't take me out anymore. We don't have sex. When we do months have gone by &then after, several more months go by. He literally spends nothing on our relationship. When i bring it up, he pulls the all about money card when it really it's not. It's hard not to think about thr money part when he doesnt contribute. Like whats the point? I really need advice.

 

Sorry for the long post!

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What a mooch. Throw him out again. I’ve been with my partner of 12 years through three years of grad school and a combination of three years of unemployment between the two of us. Sometimes we cover for each other but we can only do that without resentment because it’s mutual. And paying for some stuff when you were 19 is not mutual to years of full financial support... and for him to turn around and clearly say -he won’t be paying for the place he lives- NO. That’s not okay. He is using you.

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Yup. Don't ever let him back in and do not date him. He was not remorseful about the time he served and was not reformed. You state that "you are meant to be together" -- no you are not. You for whatever reason are using that as an excuse to accept his bad behavior. He is not "taking the next step" because he doesn't want to - this is who he is. You can't fix him. Stop communicating with him. One day you will wonder what you were thinking being with him and you will meet someone worthy of you

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Ditto to all above. He is nearing 30 and isn't going to change. You can complain and argue with him all you want but can't force him to pay his share. Also, being that he is a convicted felon you don't know who has eyes on him and if he gets busted and those drugs are in your residence I'm thinking you could suffer some consequences from that. You either accept as-is or stop letting him live off of you. Those are the choices that are within your control.

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So when you were 19/20, this guy took you out on some dates, dinner/movies paid for it and you are so grateful for that, that you've been acting as his mother supporting him in full financially ever since - pretty much 7 years worth. Do you see where your "gratitude" might be a little misplaced and over the top?

 

Harsh reality check is you got involved with not just a criminal but a drug dealer and he is still dealing and still very much a criminal. The rest simply follows - he doesn't care who he uses and how so long as he is getting what he wants and he isn't willing to give anything of value back. That is his character, that is who he is and you aren't going to change that. You don't even have a healthy adult relationship. What you have is more like a mother/child deal where you are putting a roof over his head, food on the table, working, paying bills, etc, etc, etc while he is off doing his own thing and contributing exactly zero by any normal standards. There is no partnership here, OP, just servitude on your part. Time for you to stop making excuses for him and face reality. You've been making excuses for too many years, wasting your life on a loser.

 

Getting involved when you were young and naive is one thing, but at this point in life it's time for you to grow up and get your head screwed on straight. If cops track him down to his home and find drugs, you BOTH will go to jail. You, OP, as an accomplice and then you will also have a drug felony hanging over your head for the rest of your life. Seriously, time to raise your standards, mature a lot, and reconsider what you are doing with your life.

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I know you can't change the past but I'm sorry to say, I really don't understand why you stayed with this guy once he got arrested for being a drug dealer. I mean I try to be non-judgmental about people smoking weed themselves but he was an actual drug dealer. He didn't have to do that, he could have had some other job. So really he had brought the criminal record on himself. For the past seven years you had done more than enough for him. You stood by him through thick and thin and also financially supported him and he has taken that completely for granted. He has basically been using you all those years and he's still using you now. He does have a job now but he refuses to put in even a little money, when after six years he owes you thousands by now! If he doesn't even clean up after himself or have sex with you then I'd say he's lost all interest in this relationship. He probably just stays with you because he has nowhere else to go. Sorry to sound harsh but he does not respect you at all. I think you need to actually kick this low life out and look for a man who treats you with real love and respect and takes care of you.

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I think you know what you need to do, but you are hanging on because you are used to being his mom/rescuer, and you have a unhealthy co-dependent relationship. There is no reason he can't help you pay for half the rent plus half the utilities, but he is used to you allowing him to walk all over you with little to no consequences. He is taking advantage of you.

 

What kind of future do you think you will have with him? Are you willing to support him your whole life? He is a able body who can get a job if he wanted to and he is making some money now, even if illegal. So to me, this is a guy who is using you and will keep doing it until you decide you are totally done.

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So when you were 19/20, this guy took you out on some dates, dinner/movies paid for it and you are so grateful for that, that you've been acting as his mother supporting him in full financially ever since - pretty much 7 years worth. Do you see where your "gratitude" might be a little misplaced and over the top?

 

Harsh reality check is you got involved with not just a criminal but a drug dealer and he is still dealing and still very much a criminal. The rest simply follows - he doesn't care who he uses and how so long as he is getting what he wants and he isn't willing to give anything of value back. That is his character, that is who he is and you aren't going to change that. You don't even have a healthy adult relationship. What you have is more like a mother/child deal where you are putting a roof over his head, food on the table, working, paying bills, etc, etc, etc while he is off doing his own thing and contributing exactly zero by any normal standards. There is no partnership here, OP, just servitude on your part. Time for you to stop making excuses for him and face reality. You've been making excuses for too many years, wasting your life on a loser.

 

Getting involved when you were young and naive is one thing, but at this point in life it's time for you to grow up and get your head screwed on straight. If cops track him down to his home and find drugs, you BOTH will go to jail. You, OP, as an accomplice and then you will also have a drug felony hanging over your head for the rest of your life. Seriously, time to raise your standards, mature a lot, and reconsider what you are doing with your life.

 

This sums it up better than anything. I hope you are paying attention, OP, he's not worth going to jail for.

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"But I LOVE him!" doesn't do a thing when you're choosing to be involved with a drug dealer who won't even help you with the basics of life.

 

How will your future be if/when the police raid your apartment and you too have a felony arrest on your record?

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When are you going to tell yourself "I deserve much better!" because you really do. He's a lazy BF. You grew up, he didn't. This happens to a lot of people...you two have become two different people, and that is why you are not happy with each other. Relationships simply just run their course....there is nothing wrong to be getting out of a unhealthy relationship and start fresh with someone else. I think you have learned enough to know what you need and what you want in a relationship....and he isn't fulfilling those expectations. As they say you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. You can be the best GF ever, that still won't make him become the best BF...nope never.

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I really need advice.

 

You've committed to a lot of bad decisions for a very long time. You dated a "not so honest" guy. You moved him in, knowing that he had nothing to contribute. He lives there for free and has no job, yet you still clean and do laundry. Now, when he has an income he refuses to contribute. And he's still living with you. Why?

 

I don't mean to be facetious, but when you first started out, did you not realize that it was a bad idea to date a felon and a freeloader? Did no one ever hint to you that it might be a bad idea?

 

Perhaps when you were 20, you needed to see for yourself whether these were good decisions or bad decisions. Understandable. Hey--I myself had a felon for a boyfriend, complete with ankle bracelet and parole officer. It was one of my longest relationships to date. We got along great. But that was when I was in my very early 20s. And I never moved him in.

 

Now look back on the last seven years of your life. Did dating a felon and a freeloader pay off for you? No. Actually you paid.

 

Here's your chance to make a good decision. Lose the parasite or you're going to keep paying.

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Loser, felon, lazy and moocher! You have enabled a lot of bad behavior. You should have been done when you knew he was selling drugs. Aim much higher when it comes to men , as this guy, is the bottom of the barrel.

 

Lose the dead weight, already!

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OP, do you think that this guy is parent material? What if the house got raided for drugs and your kids were taken away? This guy would never support a family. He would be yet another child to raise.

 

He does not love or respect you. How many times have you caught him cheating? he is not having sex with you.

 

What do your friends and family say about this creep? Would you want your sister or best friend to date someone like this?

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