I’m in love with my step cousin... help!

So when I was a bit younger my dad remarried, and I met my step moms niece, who is the same age as me and lives in London (I live in the West Midlands). We’ve always had a special connection with each other and basically grew up together, but after we both recently attended her mothers wedding in Portugal , I realised that she may be my soul mate, as we are perfect for each other. Since then I have not been able to stop thinking about her and it’s killing me. I want to say something to her but I’m not very confident and she may find it weird. Technically we are not related at all by blood and when we were younger our families should always joke about how we would one day get married, but I’m not sure they would approve now that we’re older. I don’t know what to do, please help!....

Well, you have to start a conversation with her, so you could try texting her and chatting about the wedding and other things. Maybe you could invite her for a weekend out where you live, or you could travel to London for a weekend and try to see her. You have to make contact, and if she likes you, she will come up with ideas on how you can get together and hang out.

Okay I will try that, thanks!...

Nope. There could be huge complications in the family. I would not do a thing and let it pass -- and try your best to see her as a cousin through marriage. Or you talk to your dad and stepmom and ask how they would feel first to make sure there are no weird feelings. But remember - she is family sort of (well, not just sort of -- you knew her as a little kid and you were raised like cousins) so if things go south, you will always be reminded. I would honestly not make ANY move at this point. She may also consider you a cousin only - so really be careful here. Take a deep breath. Sometimes weddings bring up feelings. i would let this subside for a little while. In a month or two you could be wondering about what the heck you were thinking.

That’s true, but I suppose nothing has to happen... I could just tell her how I feel and then get on with life. It’s only awkward if we make it awkward.

That’s true, but I suppose nothing has to happen... I could just tell her how I feel and then get on with life. It’s only awkward if we make it awkward.

To "just get something off your chest and get on with your life" unnecessarily burdens her. Because she can't just "get on with it" - she will then feel awkward around you most likely. "its only awkward if we make it" implies that she feels the same, and there is no indication. I mean, if one of my parents married the parent of someone i briefly dated in high school, we would say "its only awkward if we make it" - but someone who was raised as your cousin is abit different. What if your stepmom was your biological mom and the cousin was adopted by your aunt and uncle? to me, its kinda similar.

I mean - you can joke with her one day in the future if you both remain single and say "ha. I remember our relatives used to say 'they will probably get married one day' when we were kids. That was an odd thing to say to cousins..? And if she says "well...we are not actually blood related....i have always thought about it.." or she laughs and says "ha ha. that's really gross!" you have a better handle on what she is thinking.

But for now, I think you really do need to consider her a cousin. Your attraction will fade if you allow it.

Thing is though, at the moment it feels like it’s more than just being attracted to her .?

Thing is though, at the moment it feels like it’s more than just being attracted to her .?

*at the moment* is the key here. It could change in the next moment.

You need to consider her feelings, too. So, you drop a bomb on her and then tell her "we don't have to make it awkward unless we make it to be" and walk away?

What will that type of "confession" serve?

Ok yeah, I see your point. Thanks for the help.

*at the moment* is the key here. It could change in the next moment.

You need to consider her feelings, too. So, you drop a bomb on her and then tell her "we don't have to make it awkward unless we make it to be" and walk away?

What will that type of "confession" serve?

if I wait until I next see her ( which may be a while ) and then if I feel the same way, would it be fine to tell her?

Whats your goal in telling her this?

1) do you just want to "get it off your chest" and clear the air

2) Do you want to marry her?

3) Do you want to shock her?

How would you feel if she

1) laughed at you

2) felt weird because you are cousins even if not by blood

3) was interested

4) was worried about the family

5) was seeing someone

Also consider:

1) would this cause problems in your family if you made a move on her and she did not like it?

2) Would this cause weirdness in your family if you did date

3) would this cause weirdness in your family or with her if she rejected you?

Do not go on "they thought we were cute together when we were toddlers and think that means they give us our blessing:

Well to answer ur questions:

1) my goal is to get if off my chest so I can focus on other, more important things

2) Yes I may feel upset or disappointed AT FIRST, it I would definitely feel a lot better when it stops playing on my mind and keeping me up at night

3) it may indeed cause weirdness, but I know her better than anyone, and if she is the same person that I’ve known all my life, then I know we can sort something out. To be fair, it’s not as if our families need to know

Well to answer ur questions:

1) my goal is to get if off my chest so I can focus on other, more important things

2) Yes I may feel upset or disappointed AT FIRST, it I would definitely feel a lot better when it stops playing on my mind and keeping me up at night

3) it may indeed cause weirdness, but I know her better than anyone, and if she is the same person that I’ve known all my life, then I know we can sort something out. To be fair, it’s not as if our families need to know

And going back to number 1, yes I probably do want to have something with her, but I can get over it

Well to answer ur questions:

1) my goal is to get if off my chest so I can focus on other, more important things

2) Yes I may feel upset or disappointed AT FIRST, it I would definitely feel a lot better when it stops playing on my mind and keeping me up at night

3) it may indeed cause weirdness, but I know her better than anyone, and if she is the same person that I’ve known all my life, then I know we can sort something out. To be fair, it’s not as if our families need to know

1) Okay -- "to get something off your chest" is a selfish reason because you are not considering how it will affect the other person. Sometimes the result of "getting something off our chest" makes us feel better but it transfers the burden to someone else. I mean - good for you to be able to focus on other things - but now you have transferred it to her to worry about. Do you get it?

Its like someone wanting to confess to a friend once the friend has a girlfriend or boyfriend and can't do anything about it.

2) You are okay with her not talking to you or the family not talking to you?

3) Yes, if you "confess" she may tell other family members if she feels unsafe/weirded out. Or family might ask her when she starts to avoid you. If you actually date well..of course family will know! So if you confess you have to be absolutely serious about wanting to date her.

3) its not ALL ABOUT YOU.

if you have no interest in actually seriously dating her (and dating someone LIKE a cousin i wouldn't do unless you felt so strongly about it that you could see her as a future wife and you are not just playing with her), you should softball it by your step mom first "hey, i remember people always said X and i should marry eachother when we grew up. I knew everyone was just joking around, but would the family freak out if that actually happened? Or are we sort of cousins?" ANd if she says "that's your cousin, NO!" or if she says "you know, her mom always told me that she liked you, but was worried it would be awkward..."

You could say to the cousin "remember when people said we were really cute together and should get married someday...?" and then she might say "oh gross, you are my cousin...or not.."

My dad's cousin was adopted by his aunt and uncle when she was 6 years old. She grew up as his cousin, obviously, but was not blood related. I grew up close to her kids - and it would have weirded me out if any of those kids had an interest in me. I mean - it would not be illegal so to speak because they are not biologically related in any way -- but it would be incest to me because, well i grew up knowing them as my cousins. MAYBE your family doesn't feel that way, but you have to tread carefully here

And going back to number 1, yes I probably do want to have something with her, but I can get over it

If you can get over it - then you can get over confessing.

Well I spoke to my dad and stepmom today, and they are both fine with it

Well to answer ur questions:

1) my goal is to get if off my chest so I can focus on other, more important things

2) Yes I may feel upset or disappointed AT FIRST, it I would definitely feel a lot better when it stops playing on my mind and keeping me up at night

3) it may indeed cause weirdness, but I know her better than anyone, and if she is the same person that I’ve known all my life, then I know we can sort something out. To be fair, it’s not as if our families need to know

.... So essentially, you want to treat her like a garbage can. Throw your feelings at her and let her deal with them while you walk away happy and unburdened. How is that fair to her?

I’ve given it some thought and even if it kills me I’m not going to tell her. I love her more than anything so it isn’t fair to do something like this to her. She deserves better than the piece of that I can be and am. Thanks to everyone who helped on this forum