Is it strange when a long-distance bf never sends any gifts?

Hopefully this post doesn't get deleted. I'm going to assume this belongs in the relationship section. I need opinion in this topic.

Prior to being in this long-distance relationship for 2 years, we were friends for the longest. Ever since I've been in Peru (due to voluntary departure) since May 2007, he has never sent any gift not even a cheap postcard. Meanwhile, long ago in 2011 I've sent him some items.

Though I was never the type of woman to demand gifts from anyone, this bothers me at some level. I'm now wondering if he were to come to my country and we get married, is he going to continue being a cheapskate?

This is my parents mainly complain about. He hasn't even sent not even a chocolate box nor a postcard during all these years we've known each other.

So if a long-distance bf never sends anything at all, is that a cheapskate? Or is this how most long-distance relationships function?

I wouldn't say so, particularly considering the last time you did was 7 years ago. International shipping for packages can be expensive-- in many cases, more expensive than the item actually being shipped. As far as post cards or letters go, assuming you two have some other form of reliable communication, the sentimentality is lost on a whole lot of people.

If your confidence in your LDR is contingent on whether or not gifts are shipped to you, I'm guessing there's an entire mountain you're keeping out of the frame.

Thank you j.man for the your perspective. I'm confident in my LDR but there are certain days where I find myself thinking if waiting for him is really worth sacrificing another year or so of my life.

I just turned 31 and one of my goals was to start a family. Now, it's like I don't have high urges to have a kid anymore. All of the sudden, some day I'm back to not wanting kids.

I mean....is there a realistic way for the two of you to ever close the distance? If not or immigration issues will crop up that will prevent either one of you from moving, this entire relationship is completely pointless. LDR's only work when distance is temporary and closing it is a realistic and achievable plan. Meanwhile, you do need to be able to spend time face to face traveling as well. If that's not happening.....what you really have is a pen pal.

As for gifts.....part of a good relationship is the ability to communicate openly about issues and what's bothering you. If the idea that he doesn't send gifts bothers you, then you need to be able to talk about it with him. Not only expressing your side and your preferences/cultural beliefs, but also being able to hear his side as well. I'm going to somewhat disagree with jmann that sending things is prohibitively expensive. If you can't afford to spend $20-$40 on shipping, you really can't afford to be in an LDR or perhaps even in a local relationship either. Taking a date out to dinner costs more.

He's definitely not poor. He spends so much on himself and on going clubbing with friends. I admit this kind of upsets me because what he's spending on himself (mainly unimportant stuff) if you combine it all in total is costing more than the $20 to $40 in a 1-day shipping.

He's definitely not poor. He spends so much on himself and on going clubbing with friends. I admit this kind of upsets me because what he's spending on himself (mainly unimportant stuff) if you combine it all in total is costing more than the $20 to $40 in a 1-day shipping.

Well....he is spending money on and doing things he prioritizes. Still, have a talk about it. Have a talk about your relationship at large and whether it's going anywhere. If you want a family, don't waste years on guys who aren't looking for what you want. His lifestyle doesn't exactly scream guy ready and looking to settle down. Even if he tells you what you want to hear, maybe give yourself a realistic timeline - I will wait this much longer on him to do x,y, z but if he doesn't, it's over. Actions speak louder than words, OP.

What kinds of gifts do you want? Is there something special from the US he can send you? When did you last see each other in person?

09-25-2017:We met 11 years ago in Miami, Fl. I was forced (under voluntary departure) to return to my homecountry and have been here for 10 years now. My long-distance bf and I want to be together (physically) again after all these years and have talked about getting married a bunch of times. He's been working at Publix supermarket for 18 years.

It's not that it's prohibitively expensive. It's about it simply not making sense to. My guess is that he hasn't been riding you over not mailing him gifts, so it would seem he's content with you sparing herself the money and effort just as well. Plus, again, I'm operating under the assumption you've got and pursue other means of communication that allow for expressions of affection or appreciation. If that's not the case, then that's definitely what the focus should be well before material gifts and international shipping. It also doesn't help that, by your admission, OP, the last time you sent him a gift was 7 years ago, so if he's the type to think internationally shipping a package would outweigh the significance of a material gift, never mind the actual monetary value of it, there isn't even a sentiment of reciprocity to motivate him (not that it should ever be relied on or your motivation to give someone a gift).

Where I do want to piggyback off DF is her inquiry into what exactly the plan is to solve the distance equation, which is even further reason to be careful about picking this battle over mailing gifts. The distance itself could be (and 99% likely is) a dynamic of discontent in your relationship, and getting into squabbles over what protocols you two should be adopting to essentially going to make up for the distance itself lends the distance to becoming precedent, which would only add to any discontent or lack of confidence in it ever being resolved.

But if your happiness with him is really balancing on whether you get a package in the mail from him, here's what I might try to suggest to him: sending each other regional snacks or other small and deliverable items that you both miss or think the other would enjoy. It'd be a good way to convey what you'd like without throwing stones with a "why don't you send me anything?" or "I'd like it if you..."

Hah I guess gifts would "motivate" you to hang on no? I think you should be having a serious talk about what you want to see for the very near future, and if he can be a part of that. You are in need of some reassurance that what you are doing is the right thing to do.

I really care about jewels nor expensive things. I've never been the type of woman that demands while bringing nothing to the table. However, it would be nice to be surprised once in a while (maybe once a month or after several months) even if it's something so small such as a stuff animal.

The best gift would have been an engagement ring off course. This what was talked about a while back; his arrival to my country after obtaining his US citizenship (supposely he's a resident at this moment) and getting married towards the ending of this year.

Though some days, I still feel as if there is something lacking. I tried to speak to him in Dec. about where is all this leading too and if we're on the same page. He said yes but gave me an attitude. Basically, he doesn't want to talk about anything regarding these topics:

- Is he working on getting his citizenship and when is that happening?

- When exactly are we getting married and if I'm waiting for the right reason?

- Is he going to speak with an immigration lawyer?

- Houses and having a family nor anything that has to do with our future

All the topics we've talked about lately are trivial and no longer about plans in the near future. Sometimes it makes me feel unassured to be honest.

I still feel those are important topics. On recent conversations this week involved about how he's having fun with his friend, that's the best bar, the foods he ate and other trivial things.

I'm going to start calling my University coordinator from Miami, FL anytime this month or next and see what can be done.

I really care about jewels nor expensive things. I've never been the type of woman that demands while bringing nothing to the table. However, it would be nice to be surprised once in a while (maybe once a month or after several months) even if it's something so small such as a stuff animal.

The best gift would have been an engagement ring off course. This what was talked about a while back; his arrival to my country after obtaining his US citizenship (supposely he's a resident at this moment) and getting married towards the ending of this year.

 

Though some days, I still feel as if there is something lacking. I tried to speak to him in Dec. about where is all this leading too and if we're on the same page. He said yes but gave me an attitude. Basically, he doesn't want to talk about anything regarding these topics:

- Is he working on getting his citizenship and when is that happening?

- When exactly are we getting married and if I'm waiting for the right reason?

- Is he going to speak with an immigration lawyer?

- Houses and having a family nor anything that has to do with our future

 

All the topics we've talked about lately are trivial and no longer about plans in the near future. Sometimes it makes me feel unassured to be honest.

I honestly don't think a man who has no citizenship in the country where he lives can call the shots at bringing a fiance to the united states. Its not even feasable to say that he should get it done by the end of the year. Is there any way to go visit him on a vacation VISA for a few weeks or for him to visit you? Instead of waiting for him, would you be allowed to move to the US based on your own standing. Can he move to Peru? Does he really need to settle his citizenship in the US to go to Peru? I think if you are always bringing up the topic of marriage, you have to let him bring it up and after a certian point i would not waste any more time with him. I mean, if you live on different continents, what is the point? And the fact that you are upset that he doesn't send you gifts is a point of incompatibility.

I still feel those are important topics. On recent conversations this week involved about how he's having fun with his friend, that's the best bar, the foods he ate and other trivial things.

 

I'm going to start calling my University coordinator from Miami, FL anytime this month or next and see what can be done.

He wants to have fun with his friends. he is not thinking of getting married right now - especially not to marry just so you be eligible to move to be with him.

I'm not always bringing it up. The last time I bought it up was in Dec after nearly 1 year of not talking about it because I wanted to see where we're standing at. In the past, there were times he would keep telling me about wanting to marry me, how he would love having me in my life but talk is cheap after all if enough time have passed by, he's having fun with friends now and there is no action indicating it's going to happen.

In addition, my mother is suspecting by now that he's either lying or he's an alien that's applying for residency. He's been saying the same story about working on his citizenship for years now.

There was one time he did mentioned about moving to Peru and living there for a year while working on getting me back to Miami, FL. That conversation is so old by now and his recent actions aren't showing that he's into in. I'm feeling so uneased right now.

He wants to have fun with his friends. he is not thinking of getting married right now - especially not to marry just so you be eligible to move to be with him.

However, it seems like he's all relaxing now and some days I feel like I'm wasting time.

I've been lately going out more and I had my own fun on my b-day. I went to a bar with two friends. I'm going to start caring less about our future I guess.

I'm going to start caring less about our future I guess.

If you start caring less about your future, then end it. No point to it. This will only lead to him dumping you and you ending up with a heart and ego broken. Don't care about what he wants, see what you want first. Do you really want him to marry you or are you just hanging on because of all the time you invested? Is he really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

What are You doing to improve your situation? Are you working? Going to school? Saving money? Calling attorneys to see if you can return to the US? Is he from Peru? Does he want to live there?

The best gift would have been an engagement ring off course.he doesn't want to talk about anything regarding these topics:

- Is he working on getting his citizenship and when is that happening?

- When exactly are we getting married and if I'm waiting for the right reason?

- Is he going to speak with an immigration lawyer?

- Houses and having a family nor anything that has to do with our future

What are You doing to improve your situation? Are you working? Going to school? Saving money? Calling attorneys to see if you can return to the US? Is he from Peru? Does he want to live there?

Thank you for your question and I'm going to answer them one by one.

- In regards to my current position I've been dealing with for slightly over a decade now, a good start would be to start searching on the USCIS website and call my University coordinator in Miami, Fl.

- I've been working from home as an English-Spanish interpreter for 3 years now. My earnings ranges from $700 to $800 per month. However, I'm not working on fields related to my major and getting tired of call centers. Ever since being in Peru, I've been doing nothing but working at answering calls.

- I've graduated from college and received my BA degree in Tourism and Hotel Management on June 2016. There was a time, I was thinking of proceeding with my Master's right away but that seems irrelevant at this moment.

- Yes, I'm saving money. My parents have enough money to afford it too. I've already spoken with my father and if I'm approved for a visa, he's going to lend me some money. We're not poor.

- This is one of the next steps after talking to my college coordinator.

- My bf is a Nicaraguan resident.

- He mentioned once about living here for a year.

We're not poor.

If you see yourself as a woman who wants to marry, there is no "we" - the "our money- = the money of my parents plus mine". Its about what YOU have. you have $700-800 a month and some savings - savings that you saved because your parents are paying and supporting you. He is on his own.

Honestly, a tourism degree will get you working at a hotel. It is not going to automatically get you some high paying job. you will have to start out at the bottom like everyone else. You might get the night shift at the front desk vs cleaning rooms with the degree, though. Being an interpreter for anything -- especially working for a court or something will earn more. I honestly think he doesn't want to marry you. If he did, he would have done it.

I honestly think he doesn't want to marry you. If he did, he would have done it.

This is more reason for me to begin focusing on myself and don't tell him anything at all about my plans to get back.

OP....legal immigration to the US is a convoluted nightmare. It may take years to become a permanent resident. Once a permanent resident, one has to wait a minimum of 5 years before one can apply for citizenship and it can take up to 2 years to process a citizenship application. You are looking at a decade or more at minimum and assuming things go as "promptly" as planned. Do the math. Even if he was genuine years ago.....your plans may simply be unrealistic and with distance and time, attachment fades. If you can come to the states to pursue a graduate degree by all means do so, but before you waste time and money on that, make sure it's going to benefit you for real. Meaning will you try to stay in the US on a work visa (assuming you can get a job sponsor after you graduate) or whether you'll return to Peru and will this degree benefit you there.

Personally, I think you need to contact an immigration attorney in the US and get a handle on the legal immigration process and your personal situation in particular. Then evaluate what you actually want to do. University advisors don't have a clue about this stuff. Their only goal is to get you to spend international student fees. You've also mentioned voluntary departure - meaning what exactly? That you left timely when your visa expired or were ordered to leave because you've overstayed and you opted for voluntary departure as opposed to being walked onto the plane in handcuffs. (Don't answer this in a public forum, btw) All I can tell you is that if the latter, you'll have major problems getting any kind of a visa to the states for the rest of your life....if ever. Even a marriage to a US citizen may not overcome a prior immigration violation in some cases. Something else to think about and another reason you need to speak to an actual licensed immigration attorney in the US. Please do not waste your time on quacks pretending to help immigrants either. Make certain you are speaking to a real attorney who specializes in this.

As for the guy, if he is working on staying in the US, it's very unlikely he'll want to move to Peru just to be with you. Sorry if that's harsh but I do think you need to get realistic about your prospects here. You haven't seen each other in years, he is off living his own life. He doesn't want to talk about a future with you anymore.....it honestly sounds like things are pretty much dead between you or dying.

Just a heads up....

Getting a Visa or an American citizenship is a royal pain in the ass even with immigration attorney. You can thank Trump and his administration for delaying the process even longer than it originally was. My husband applied for his naturalization papers back in September with an immigration attorney. When Obama was in office, it took one of our friends 2 months to get citizenship. USCIS had told him that it would take 270 days back in January. It's April now and no word... he called them back again last week... Guess what? The timeline's changed again. Now the estimated process is taking 14 MONTHS because all those DACA recipients are scared of being deported now.

Good luck.

Agree. Rather than worry about being sent monthly teddy bears or an engagement ring, it may be best to pursue your future in Peru, with studies, career and yes, you need to find a local man. This poor guy you knew for one year 10 years ago is working in a supermarket and not a US citizen himself. Also why would he bother with Peru when his friends, family, life, etc revolves around Nicaragua and the US?

As for the guy, if he is working on staying in the US, it's very unlikely he'll want to move to Peru just to be with you. You haven't seen each other in years, he is off living his own life.

Is this online only relationship? Do you every actually see each other face to face? If you want a husband and kids, I don’t think you are in the right relationship. You all have way too many obstacles and it doesn’t look like he is too willing to work on removing those obstacles.