Trying to cope with being dumped after eight years by my fiancee

Hi.

I'm a 40 something guy who was dumped by his fiancée out of the blue and over the breakfast table around a month ago. She told me quickly and basically fled the apartment as she didn't want me to try to talk her out of it. I left two days later.

Although we had always had a tempestuous relationship, I had assumed we were weathering the storm, as we had just moved to a new city 3 weeks before I got the bullet. As a result, I am now having to crash on friends' couches, look for a new job etc. I am devastated and feel fearful, lonely and afraid.

From what I can gather, she had been planning this for a couple months, so as others have said elsewhere, she is way ahead of me in the recovery phase. In fact, initially she sent me insensitive texts, talking about her plans to resume her life etc. I was so weak and desperate I humoured her for a little, then could take no more. I got angry and asked why on earth she hadn't had a proper sit-down talk to trash things out and see if we could solve the issues. Not uncommonly, she is now re-writing history to justify her decision, posing me as the bad guy from month 1, in spite of the fact it was her who pushed to get engaged in the fifth year.

Anyway, I am utterly devastated, as we were completely tight for eight years, Bonnie and Clyde style. I am shocked by the sudden brutality of it, and the absolute lack of any compassion or care for me in the aftermath. There hasn't been a single "Are you ok?" message.

Any advice welcome. I am 90-95% resigned as she seems so final in her decision, but I am currently in the head-spinning stage and am traumatised.

Hello Mike,

Sorry this has happened.

I can relate to much of what you have said.

With regards to the Bonnie and Clyde comment.. their ending was pretty brutal too, right? :) (apologies.. English way of using humour in a bad situation!)

Yes, it looks like she switched off from the relationship a while before you.. she is moving on, leaving you in limbo.. Been there, done that. I can reassure you that you will get through this, but it will take plenty of time. You need to let it happen.

In the meantime, try to focus your mind on the work and house situation. This could take up plenty of your time and thoughts now, moving forward.

Her coldness since the split should help you find the strength to ensure NOT TO CONTACT HER. Use this as a confirmation that she is now your past, not your present, or indeed, future.

Forget about what she is telling others too.. you know the truth and that's all that matters.

You have come to the right place here and there are many others in similar predicaments.

If you feel the urge to contact her, vent here instead.. it's very therapeutic.

Keep strong buddy. As the forum states, you are never alone.

Sorry to hear this. How long were you living together ? What were all the arguments about? Have you moved back to your original place? Is there unfinished business regarding finances, stuff, etc. In what way were your goals different? Marriage? Kids? Money? Family?

we had just moved to a new city 3 weeks before I got the bullet. As a result, I am now having to crash on friends' couches, look for a new job etc.

She's from NZ originally. When we met first she told me straight out her long-term aim was to go back there. I agreed to this and so for the past eight years my mental orientation was set to that. So as a result everything has been thrown upside down for me - I had moved around where she wanted me to, made sacrifices of my own in terms of security, friendships etc. For her to blow my brains out, and then calmly just go on with her masterplan is what stuns me. I'm getting not a hint of compassion or sadness or anything - all just very clinical and cold. I know this is how it plays out, but I am genuinely shocked, as she is a very emotional person and sensitive, or maybe just sensitive to herself as I see now.

Thanks, Sputnik. I appreciate your kind words of support.

So sorry you're going through this! I'm going through the exact same thing almost literally. I hope you find peace. It's shocking to say the least. I hope someone offers words of encouragement and advice that helps you. I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Sorry to hear that and thanks for the kind words. What happened to you, if I may ask?

Well, apparently she's had enough of you, that's why she broke up with you. As for why, that's up to you to figure out. You don't give many details about her here.

She's an Antipodean - a lot of them have a mania for movement. She works online and insisted on a lot of traveling and moving around - I was forced to take a lot of temping work while she ran her business online. She'd moan about the imbalance but I told her the constant moving prevented any stability for work. She couldn't accept this. She has also has a crazy temper, getting into arguments with people always and hypersensitive about her own feelings. I'm not painting a great picture, but these are the key negative features.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Has it always been volatile? Did you have any inkling (even just in retrospect) that this could happen?

She was volatile - emotionally incontinent. It became hard to distinguish between standard moaning and serious moaning.

Some questions. What would initiate your fights? Was there jealousy on your part? If jealousy created tension and issues then I think it's likely that initiated her mindset. People will put up with that stuff for a while, but it is almost always a relationship destroyer. I would assume that her fleeing the apartment after she told you was likely because of fear. Not necessarily fear of harm, but fear of how you would react. You've told us her issues. But there is always another side. What were yours?

Also, Bonny and Clyde went around robbing and killing people. I'm assuming this is just romanticizing on your part and not literal haha.

I was with the love of my life for 7 years. Engaged for the last year. He ended it last Friday because he said he wasn't in love with me anymore. I was blindsided. We had issues but who doesn't after so long?

He had apparently been feeling this way for some time but I had no clue. When I ask why he says he just felt it. I asked what lead to that conclusion and he only states he doesn't know. I sold my house to buy one with him last April. To continue building our life together but for financial reasons I am not in the mortgage, so basically I still live here but have to go.

Leaving is what I'm scared of doing because its final. You can take back words but once I'm gone the memories of me will fade for him but for me they'll linger. So many shoulda, coulda, woulda scenarios but I'm here.

Everyone says time heals but at 42 time is slipping away from me. He no longer wants our life we were building together. I think now that he's felt this way as far back as the engagement.

He was also talking to another woman who is also married about a month ago. It got very inappropriate very quickly.

He has lied so much I no longer know what's true other than how he feels now. I hoped he was confused but he's not. I still have so many questions but I'll never get answers.

I feel your pain and I really hope you find a way to move forward. And when you do, don't forget to come and share how that happened for you. Sending you good vibes.

She was volatile - emotionally incontinent. It became hard to distinguish between standard moaning and serious moaning.

If you say she was "volatile and emotionally incontinent" what does that say about the man who proposed to her? Right? So maybe the break up wasn't all her. She was the first one to simply realize it couldn't go on. It takes two to tango.

If you say she was "volatile and emotionally incontinent" what does that say about the man who proposed to her? Right? So maybe the break up wasn't all her. She was the first one to simply realize it couldn't go on. It takes two to tango.

Hi abitbroken. I understand what you say. But I do understand how Mike5 behaved as well.

As an outsider it's easy to analyse and give advice. I do the same thing and normally my analysis will be spot on.

But I was also in an unstable relationship. I got physically abused on multiple occasions, I got dominated in day by day living (I'm absolutely not like this by nature) meaning I was scared to do something wrong and just tried to please her all the time, she lied to me,....all these red flags should have been a showstopper. But still I proposed to her. And I was genuinly happy about it....

I posted the whole story (and it's a long one) on this forum. It certainly has a therapeutical effect. The conclusion of most was 'be really happy you got out of it before you actually got married or had kids or bought a house because it looks like she has borderline and she would have continued to bust your balls'.

But also some are very straight forward and honestly ask if I have issues with feeling beneath others. Because why would I stay and propose to someone who attacked me? The answer is: I don't know. I do realize and even did realize during the relationship that her behaviour was abnormal. In the beginning of our relationship all was heavenly. And I guess I always hoped those days would come back. They didn't, I should have run and protected myself from being hurt. But the fear of the little pain of breaking up prevented me of doing it and resulted in getting hurt massively in the end.

She also gave me no good reason why she did what she all did. We talked about it and she couldn't give any reason....she just said she was frustrated. Frustrated by what?

If you're interested in reading my story, you can here

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=549077&highlight=fiancee

I think the conclusion is: she has this unhealthy thirst for money, something I could only give her in a limited way. Together with the borderline....it gave a toxic cocktail.

Net result: I'm heartbroken, lost a lot of money and time and she's the first one who actually made me feel insecure. She's so good at playing the victim role that I actually do feel sometimes like I'm the cause of everything.

Like Mike5 I do have plenty of questions still. But I'll never get an answer to them. She's a compulsive liar and the few times we met after the break-up never did I feel like she was absolutely honest at that time. She was trying to buy her some time by comforting me a bit. Now I know why, after I found out she started a new relation with a rich guy, only 6-7 weeks after we were still engaged.

I do feel like my whole relationship was 1 big lie. Like I was there as a temporarily solution in between rich guys.... And yes, it makes me feel worthless. I makes me feel beneath the rich guys. Although I was good to her my feelings and good heart were less of importance than the money in the wallet of the next one. I struggle with that...

Gonewrong, I'm very sorry to hear your story and I hope things get better for you and the pain eases. 42 may seem old, but comparatively it's not. Don't panic.