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My wife let me know yesterday that she wakes up angry every morning because of me and what I've done or failed to do.

 

She has social anxiety and is bipolar. She has been off her medication for months now so we can try to have a child (She is 39 and time is running out - but she is so unhappy with me we can almost never do the act). We have been married for just over a year, and we had a miscarriage about 8 months ago.

 

She has told me that I seem to be oblivious, that I'm not present when we are together and that I don't care to support her in her struggles. She asked me to move out today, that she can't take it anymore, that she hates the person I make her become; she knows she treats me like and she doesn't like it any more than I do. It feels like it's only when she is really angry and yells that I actually take notice and try. When things are going well, I just coast and fall into my bad habit.

 

That bad habit is watching pornography. I have been addicted since at least grade 8 and have been trying to stop for about 8 years now (I am 33). I have recently joined SA in late December and my sponsor and the members there have encouraged me to focus on just working the program - I am currently on Step 1.

 

I recognize that I am selfish and I am getting what I deserve. We had a great time together early on in our relationship 3 years ago - but after I said and did some very hurtful things and continued to do them (especially big things like not planning celebrations or time together, not proposing, etc..) and it's caused her a lot of pain.

 

I love my wife and am comitted to this relationship. I have come to realization that almost everything my wife has said is true. Yes, I know I am not perfect, I have ADD and I'm not as smart as her - she can over-react sometimes, but the fact is that I have been oblvious and lazy - especially when I have 'ingested' my drug, I don't care about others. The only reason I ever started to look for a girlfriend was to eventually get married and have an "outlet" so that I wouldn't watch porn or lust. Which is totally and utterly selfish and wrong of me. But now that I am married, I want to do right by her. I had been sober for over a month early on in our relationship but stress from our relationship has been a big trigger for me - and if I act out and look at porn, without fail we have a fight the next day or two because I become clueless about others and only see myself. She's never caught me using it, and I haven't told her exactly what I've done recently (though very early in our relationship I told her I was fighting it and she said she could never be in a relationship with someone who wasn't) - and now she hates if I mention "recovery" and considers I am just using it as an excuse to keep being as I am.

 

I had my last slip over a day ago. I want to stay sober and I want to be there for my wife and stop hurting her.

 

Do you all have any suggestions of what I should do to show my care and love every day for her starting from today? I already do the laundry, garbage, pickup or cook almost all meals, I try to give her little gifts though she doesn't like useless stuff (and we are low on money) and she hates me giving her candy because she's overweight. I try to be present and attentive when we spend time together, but I say or do something wrong almost every day because I am oblvious to her needs. She says I just "do" - but that I am emotionally absent and heartless.

 

I don't want to lose her. Please help.

 

Patrick

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I think you've been convinced this is all your fault, but my opinion is what you're experiencing is emotional abuse from your wife stemming from her bipolar personality. As long as she is off her meds there is no way you're going to make her happy. I believe she has played into your ADD and has used this against you. You think you can actually do something to make everything all right, but it's impossible. If you weren't married, I would advise you to leave the relationship. Since you are married, I would advise you to at least consider it. If you Google emotional abuse and emotional dependence, I believe it would fit your condition to a T. The only thing you're missing is the accusations of cheating, but I think she's using your enjoyment of porn as a substitute for that. Otherwise, the insults, telling you that you are stupid, that you can't do anything right - it's all part of the emotional abuse. By the way, I don't think you have a porn addiction. We all like looking at porn. I think you need to save yourself. If you can't get out of the marriage, then you need immediate therapy to regain your self esteem. Maybe you can take a break from your marriage and go somewhere to heal.

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