Married and In live with Someone Else

I'm a 38 year old male who has been married for the past 11 1/2 years. For past past 5 years my marriage has been falling apart. I don't feel like I love her anymore and I don't believe she loves me. She is also 2 years older than me. We sleep in seperate bedrooms, barely ever go out to do something with each other, and rarely talk to each other. We may do something together a few times a year. I know a part of our troubles is that she is unable to have children. Something I have always wanted. We did try. Going to doctors in both Canada and Korea. Even if we get an in vetro she could lose the child due to her high blood pressure. We also live in Korea where she is a citizen and I am just on a spousal visa. If we divorce I will lose my visa status and have to leave the country. Something I don't want. I want to live in Korea. Over a month ago I me another woman in the masters degree course that I am taking. She is the same age as me, she has mentioned she wants a family one day, and we've been studying together a lot lately. Spending whole days in cafes studying. Through getting to know her I started having strong feeling for her. She is someone I want to be with. We laugh and tell each other jokes. I notice that she walks close to me when we grab lunch. A lot of times she is the one asking me to join her in studying. She even offered to help me sign up for korean language classes. I really don't know what to do. I figure I have three options:

1. Do and say nothing. Forget about this new girl and stay with my wife. But I feel that if I do that I will become depressed and regretful of not saying anything to her.

2. Talk to my current wife about my feelings. But I am afraid that if I do I can lose everything. Even the new girl I am having feelings for.

3. Tell the new girl how I feel about her. This is the option I want the most. But really afraid of the out come. This new girl has mentioned she wants to meet someone and has asked about any single friends. I showed her some friends pictures and ahe said that no of them are her type. Then said I am bettee looking than them.

I am looking for any advise that can be given. I don't know what to do.

Do you work, can you get a work visa? Or a student visa? Does your wife support you? The one you have a crush on is not interested in you and in fact asked if you have single friends. Don't be creepy and cheat on your wife or tell this crush that you want her.

We also live in Korea where she is a citizen and I am just on a spousal visa. If we divorce I will lose my visa status and have to leave the country. Something I don't want.This new girl has mentioned she wants to meet someone and has asked about any single friends.

The good thing is, you haven’t acted on this infatuation. Sometimes, life comes with unfortunate circumstances. Yours is, you are in an unhappy marriage but want to stay in Korea. You cannot stay there in your current situation. You know this, which is why you wrote.

Be fair to your wife, as she has done nothing wrong. Tell her you’d like a divorce, and either figure out how to stay in Korea in your own, or go back to your home country. Any other option is unfair, unethical, and just plain wrong.

You want to hear that it’s ok to tell this girl of your feelings so you can have your backup plan lined up. Um, nope. Doesn’t work that way.

I do work, and I am a student as well. Without the visa status I am on I can't work and be a student. It would be one or the other. My wife doesn't support me that much. We just support ourselves. The conversations me and this other girl have makes me think other wise at times. She has asked, but keeps mentioning about wanting someone to be with.

I don't want to act on anything. Not yet. My ideal situation is to tell all parties how I feel about them before I do anything. To tell my wife that my feelings for her is over. To tell this new girl how I feel about her. But instead of starting something right away if she does feel the same, to take things extremely slow. Get to know each other for a long while. Nothing intimate, and instead more emotional learning about each others interests.

You don't begin a new relationship until you resolve your present one, and after 11 years together, staying single an entire year before dating would be the wisest thing to do.

I don't know why you think your wife being two years older is important. It means nothing. There's more than one way to have children, including adoption. And if you think children would be in the future with your crush, by the time you've established a strong relationship, which takes several years to build, if it's even successful, at age 40, it may be really difficult or impossible for her to become pregnant.

And you're looking through rose-colored glasses at your crush. If she's flirting by telling you you're better looking than your friends, her ethics suck since she knows you're married. Women who choose taken men aren't looking for something long-term. As soon as the man becomes single, she loses interest.

Either work on your marriage with counseling or take steps to get a divorce. You shouldn't use someone just to stay in a country. Be a man and deal with whatever consequences ensue. I don't know the rules of that country, but maybe you're mistaken about the rules and should check again, since in some countries, even with divorce after a two year marriage, you can still live in the country. And perhaps you can get a work visa if your company values you as an employee, etc.

What would a man with good ethics do at this point? Tell the "friend" you can't be close friends with a female outside of your marriage, which you're working on, and that you wish her well. Then concentrate on your marriage or end it. Stay alone and work on a happy life solo for a year. Only then will you have a higher success rate in a new romance.

What would a man with good ethics do at this point?

- He would work on his marriage, or he would end it.

- He wouldn't use his wife to get what he wants (work and school, and new girlfriend)

- He wouldn't start an emotional affair with another woman while still married to his wife.

The new girl knows that you are married. If she is flirting with you then she is someone of low ethics who is ok with cheating. Thinking that you can trust someone so selfish to build a healthy relationship with is delusional.

As for your wife, you knew her age very well when you married her. Two years was and is nothing in terms of an age difference. Complaining about it now is low of you. The truth is that you are both equally responsible for the state of your marriage i.e. you are both equally to blame for allowing things to deteriorate so much. It takes two to get to this point. The honourable thing would be to seek marriage counseling and if that doesn't work, then divorce NOT keep her around as a back up while trying to get a replacement.

Instead of trying to find fault in your wife in order to justify backstabbing her, it would be best to focus on either repairing your marriage or leaving it, NOT keep your wife around like a placeholder. You are no better than her so you might as well stop blaming her for your problems.

The new girl is not the answer to your problems, she is just a temporary escape to fantasy land. Reality would still catch up with you at some point. It sounds like you need to set your priorities straight. You may not be able to have everything i.e. Korean citizenship, child, freedom. What is more important to you in that case?

Infertility can cause a huge rift which many people underestimate. A woman can feel very much like its "her fault" that a couple cannot have children. She can feel like a failure, undesirable, and a poor wife. And don't you think its deveastating to her, too, not just you, because there are no children? I think you need to stop talking to this classmate. I think you need to reconnect with your wife. To show her that you still find her beautiful, desirable (physically and mentally) and worthwhile. Reconnect over things you used to like to do together. Have you or would you consider adoption to create your family? And have YOU been checked to make sure the problem isn't you? And btw, you CANNOT have children if you are not having intercourse. If the doctors said that she *might* lose a baby because of high blood pressure it doesn't mean she *will* lose the baby. Also, is her blood pressure something that can be managed better? I know in some people no matter how fit they are, have a genetic issue that gives them high blood pressure and there is little they can do even if they have a healthy diet.

But if your wife has high blood pressure that would make carrying a child difficult, how do you not see that as any other situation where a woman could not carry - like an auto-immune disorder, or let's say a woman who had cancer and had a hysterectomy?

There is no guarantee that if you take up with another woman that THAT woman will have kids, either.

I think you need to give your marriage a fair shake.

you also say this other woman is "your age" and your wife is older. If your wife is only 2 years older, she is "your age". When we are kids, a 2 year gap is GIGANTIC, but for myself, i talk about "people my age" and there is a loose five or six year window there that I refer to. Your wife is not an "older woman" in that regard by any stretch.

Biologically, any 38 year old woman you could possibly date is not really any different biologically or babymaking wise than a 40 year old woman. If let's say you got your fantasy, divorced and had this new woman, by the time you married, you would be in the same boat -- trying to make a baby with a 40 year old woman.

I do work, and I am a student as well. Without the visa status I am on I can't work and be a student. It would be one or the other. My wife doesn't support me that much. We just support ourselves. The conversations me and this other girl have makes me think other wise at times. She has asked, but keeps mentioning about wanting someone to be with.

Just because she wants someone doesn't meant that's you.

My neighbor lost his wife to cancer and really is yearning for a girlfriend. So does that mean i leave my guy and say "okay, here i am?" just because someone has a need that needs to be filled. ABSOLUTELY NOT. I am in love with my guy only. I think that you are imagining part of it -- and i also think that some women (and men) are attracted to people who are married because they are "safe" - there is no possible way they can reciprocate.

I don't want to act on anything. Not yet. My ideal situation is to tell all parties how I feel about them before I do anything. To tell my wife that my feelings for her is over. To tell this new girl how I feel about her. But instead of starting something right away if she does feel the same, to take things extremely slow. Get to know each other for a long while. Nothing intimate, and instead more emotional learning about each others interests.

It doesn't work like that --- prepare for a messy divorce if you leave your wife for this other woman who may or may not want to be with you and you know nothing about. And if you "got to know eachother a long while" does not mean she will ultimately choose you and may mean that you also will find yourself with no kids, and then eventually regretting leaving your wife for another childless marriage and losing the good will of your in-laws and your family over it at the same time

- He would work on his marriage, or he would end it.

 

- He wouldn't use his wife to get what he wants (work and school, and new girlfriend)

 

- He wouldn't start an emotional affair with another woman while still married to his wife.

I agree. OP, your behavior is incredibly selfish and wrong.