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Thread: Is there any hope left? What should I do?

  1. #1
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    Is there any hope left? What should I do?

    Okay so my wife of about 10 months told me about 3 weeks ago she was unhappy and wanted to separate, we dated for 6 years and lived together for 2 prior to getting married. She told me that she no longer was in love with me, she cares and loves me but she isnít in love with me. After she told me I handled it pretty badly, mainly bc I was in shock, we got into an argument and I gave her an ultimatum. Either marriage or divorce no separation. She chose divorce, I left our apartment. I later came back that night, and told her I was wrong and we could try separating. We agreed on one night I would spend at my parents, the next night I would be with her at the apartment. We did this for about 4 days. On that 4th night, I was suppose to go to my parents, but she had been acting strange through texts, so I decided to go home. I come home to find out that she can been drinking, and hid this from me. Once again I reacted very poorly, bc throughout our relationship we never hid anything from one another. So I felt betrayed and asked her why she was drinking and why she didnít tell me. She proceeded to tell me she was drinking bc I had stressed her out, and she didnít tell me bc she didnít care too.

    We had an agrument where things were said, then she attempted to get me to hit her. I remember her saying ďyou just canít accept that I donít want you anymore, I want to be aloneĒ. Then I guess she could see I was getting pissed from what she was saying, and she proceeded to say ďyour no man, hit me, hit me, prove your not a manĒ. I have NEVER hit a woman, never will, it was at this point I decided to leave.

    The next day she told me she didnít want a separation anymore, she wanted a divorce. She filed on the 10th day after telling me she no longer was in love with me or happy. During this time we were barely communicating, but when we did I asked questions. I asked why she didnít tell me she was unhappy if she had been for a few months like she said, she told me she didnít know, she thought it would just go away. I brought up to her that just a few weeks before she told me all this we were looking to buy a house together, she said she thought that would fix it bc it would be something new. I asked her what she thought happened to cause this, and she said our fights had become toxic, and even though we didnít argue or fight a lot, they always felt like ww3 was going on, she said that I had started to treat her as a friend and not a wife, that I wasnít spending enough quality time with her.
    She eventually agreed to go to marriage counseling with me, we went twice before she told me she wasnít going back bc nothing is going to change her mind. She told me she knew that she had problems, but that she would work on them by herself and not with me.


    Our last phone conversation was two days ago. She told me I should stop trying to fix things, stop trying to win her over. She told me I would just be wasting my time, energy, and hope. She said we might get back together one day, but it would be years down the road bc she wants to experience life without me. She wants to be independent. She swears up and down there is no one else and that she just wants to figure out life without me. Since that last phone conversation, I havenít spoken to her in two days. Should I continue No contact? Is hope lost for us getting back together, Iím slowly losing hope.

    This is just all so strange to me, I married a woman that told me she didnít believe in divorce. Iíve been thrown into chaos and I really jus donít know how to handle it.

    Any advice and suggestions would be welcome.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Get a lawyer first and foremost.

  3. #3
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    The full truth will come out over time. but at this time you need to protect yourself emotionally and financially. Get legal representation. Cancel joint credit cards and protect your money.

    You could get a rude awakening soon finding your bank accounts drained off and the credit card maxed out.

    Lawyer up!

  4. #4
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    Well I havenít gotten a lawyer, and donít plan on it any time soon. She filed and I was served, I plan on doing a no contest, I was told the divorce will be finalized in 45 days after I was served. Iíve already closed our bank account, gave her the money that was hers from her job. We have no kids, no house. She agreed to let me have all the furniture I bought when we first moved in together.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Were there signs of any of this before you got married? What were the arguments about? What did she mean by quality time and treating her like a friend? Hopefully you've hired a good attorney to navigate the legal end. Continue therapy by yourself to navigate the emotional end.
    Originally Posted by Bulldawg2010
    She told me that she no longer was in love with me, she cares and loves me but she isnít in love with me. she wanted a divorce. She filed on the 10th day after telling me she no longer was in love with me or happy. I asked her what she thought happened to cause this, and she said our fights had become toxic, she said that I had started to treat her as a friend and not a wife, that I wasnít spending enough quality time with her. She swears up and down there is no one else and that she just wants to figure out life without me.

  7. #6
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    @wiseman.
    Yes there were signs, she was very insecure and constantly thought I was going to cheat on her or end the relationship. No amount of me comforting her changed anything. It would help for awhile, and then a couple of months down the road she would see where some random woman liked a Facebook status or something and would accuse me of cheating bc ď no one likes things randomlyĒ. She would tell me she knows how women are and that when they randomly like my stuff on Facebook or isntagram that they were trying to get my attention. I thought things would get better once we moved in together so she could see I would never cheat on her, I thought things would get better when we got married so she could see she had me tied down and I only wanted to be with her.

    As far as the arguments concern, they basically were brought about bc of her insecurities, after around 4 years of dealing with it on a pretty consistent basis, it started to annoy me, then it started to piss me off bc I felt like everything I did just wasnít good enough. I even let her talk me out of hanging out with friends bc she always thought I was doing something wrong when I was with them. Even though I would constantly text her to prove to her I wasnít doing anything.

    As far as treating her like a friend and not spending quality time with her, I started to play video games, A LOT. I would come home from work, and just get online. I had no where else to go I feel like, I couldnít hangout with friends, I couldnít talk to anyone, so I would just get lost playing video games. I guess it just started to get to me that I was pretty unhappy.

    But we also would still go out to eat, go see movies, hell we were still having sex pretty consistently before she dropped the nuke on me. We also had sex after she dropped it on me. She wasnít acting strange, like she was still talking to me about work stress, just having random conversations with me, etc. she didnít emotionally pull away.

    I should have said this earlier, but she was diagnosed with anxiety and depression about 2 months before all this happened. She was prescribed some medication, I donít remember the name. But she admitted to me that she stopped taking the medication for 4/5 days before she told me that she was unhappy. Her grandmother also passed away in January, and they were very close. In January she also got promoted to a store manager, and has been dealing with a lot of extra stress.

    But sheís told me that none of that has effected her decision to get divorced, thatís its only about me, nothing else. She told me the last time we communicated that she doesnít regret her decision for divorce, and also doesnít miss me at all.

  8. #7
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    Sorry, mang. More than likely, there IS somebody else. Very typical line lots of people received (ilybnilwy) with similar results. Drop her ass and move on with your life. The juice isn't worth the squeeze.

    P.S. Do make sure it's a no contest indeed, before she decides to divorce rape you.

  9. #8
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    There's another man.

    To understand infidelity, and maybe save her from the clutches of a user, read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough". Never let her see this book.

    First Aid:
    - Don't think this can happen to you. If you do, you'll waste time and seal the fate.
    - Stop telling her everything. Just listen. Don't move in or out..., just stop.
    - Read Dobson asap. He'll tell you all the mistakes you already made, and the ones you're getting ready to make. (The shock and try to appease stage. )

  10. #9
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    Just an update to the situation, my soon to be ex wife has admitted that she was emotionally involved with our neighbor, and not long after I moved out it became a physical relationship as well.

    Thanks for all your advice, but Iím dropping this woman all together now. Cheating is the biggest no no for me. I personally believe once a cheater, always a cheater. Karma will come back on her 10 fold.

    Thanks for the advice everyone, but Iím officially moving on.

  11. #10
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    Sorry this happened, but you should feel better that it happened now rather than after buying a house, children...

    It's too late to save your marriage, but there's a great website I suggest you read Al Turtle dot com. Best relationship website ever. Not to save this one, but to make the next one better.

    Also, there's a sociology book called Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships that may be helpful. I found it invaluable.

    Good luck.

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