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Thread: Dealing with the Pain of Divorce

  1. #1
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Dealing with the Pain of Divorce

    Hi All,

    Long-time user, first time poster under 'Divorce Advice'. Today, I hired an attorney to serve divorce papers for my 5-year marriage. I'm 30 and she's 29. I've given all of the necessary information and asked them to move forward with filing the divorce. I think she will be served by early next week. Needless to say, I don't want to do this, but I don't feel like I have a choice at this point. We don't have any kids, don't own a home, etc., so it should be a fairly smooth process. More on this below.

    Long-story short, my wife and I haven't been getting along for the last 6 months. Right now, I'm in 'job limbo' and have shut down emotionally in some ways. I've been to counselling, been working on my issues, but haven't been able to 'get right' yet. There's never been any abuse, cheating, money issues in our relationship; just we haven't been getting along/I've been questioning what's next for me, career wise. I'm the type of person who likes to have a plan (very male of me) and right now, I'm in limbo with my job, so I don't have a plan, which has led to some indecisiveness on my part.

    She moved out of our apartment about 2 weeks ago--and contact has been very sparse. I've wanted her to come back home to work on things, but she refuses. She says that I'm being indecisive and she doesn't know what to trust right now. She's blown off my emails about joint bills, blown off my attempts at finding someone to mediate our seperation/divroce, etc. She only wants to use her 'hand picked' person to handle the seperation/divorce mediation. When I looked her person up, I didn't have a good feeling at all. My gut told me that this was bad and I need to proactive.

    Luckily, I have attorneys in my family, I showed them some of the texts--and my family is convinced that she's working with an attorney of her own. She also asked me questions about my retirement package and possible job severance. Asking about the job severance, which I haven't been offered yet, is a huge red flag. The severance package itself is in the 6-figure range, plus I don't know when I'd receive it. Therefore, I had to instruct my attorney to work as quickly as possible to file the paperwork. Once filed, my potential severance is safe. The severance is my gateway to moving forward, whether it's to a new state or new opportunity, so I have to protect it all costs, especially since I don't trust her intentions at this point.

    This whole situation just stinks. At this point, I don't trust anything she does or says. I don't think she trusts anything I do or say. This situation is just a disaster all around. My gut tells she wanted to 'ambush me' with her handpicked person---and that's just wrong. I felt like she used my emotions against me because I don't want to be divorced. We've been together for 10 years, married for 5. It sucks. It hurts. I had to tell my boss and co-workers what the deal is because I need time to work my attorney, gather belongings, etc. I work with all women in an office job. They were all so sad for me and told me they're here for me. I've walked around with the pain at work for at least 6 months. I couldn't do it anymore and needed to tell them. I felt a big sigh of relief afterwards.

    Overall, I haven't been eating. I've had a headache for about 5 straight days now. I feel like total garbage. I know I'll come out of this okay, but I feel crappy now. Also, we've made a lot of great financial decisions during our marriage. Watching all of that come burning down in attorney fees, settlements, etc. is going to be hard.

    I appreciate any comments or feedback from those on how to deal.
    Last edited by thekid55; 04-05-2019 at 02:31 PM.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Hang in there, Kid. As you say, it will all come out ok.

    After only 5 years, she shouldn't be entitled to any alimony, but everything the two of you own will be looked at as marital joint property and split down the middle. You did well to protect your severance package.

    A mediator would be the best option and it would save you tons of money in attorney fees, but if she isn't willing, you're going to have to play hard ball.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Kid,

    I was divorced after 20 yrs together with a home, retirement and a disabled child and I am happier now than ever so trust me when I tell you that you will look back one day and ask yourself why you were so worried about the future.

    The not knowing what will become of you is the hardest part but remember you were just fine before you met her and you are in a way better position than then to get back on your feet. You do need to eat even if you don't feel like it, just do it like you would feed your pet because you need to do it. The headaches may come from not eating, I was there too and food didn't even have a taste but after about 4 days I knew I needed to eat. It gets easier but you need to push yourself to take care of yourself. Go for walks, hang around good friends you can trust (not mutual friends) and keep a good routine.

    Don't worry about the money, you can always make more. Men get so caught up in stuff and money during a divorce that we loose sight of what is most important which is our happiness. Be fair but protect yourself. Talk to your employer about your situation (with counsels approval) and see if they can postpone the lay off or termination for a lesser severance package. In the long run it will save you and your employer money. Worth a shot right?

    When it come time to negotiate over marital items be sure to act like you want this or that even if you don't care one way or another, they are just bargaining chips for what you really would like to walk away with. Be smart and play the long game on this one.

    You were smart to get going on filing as that will stop her from incurring large bills in both your names. If you have any joint accounts you should look into getting them frozen until the settlement pays them off. A totally new bank account at a totally different bank or at the very least branch is order for you as well. Start depositing your pay into the new account just in case the other gets emptied out.

    All in all you sound like you are doing well except for the emotional part and that always takes time to slowly recover from. You are only human and loved her dearly, accepting that it is over takes time for it to be real...

    Keep posting and hang in there

    Lost

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    I am so sorry that you are going through this terrible anguish. I understand completely how you feel and what you are going through. Yes, it sucks but there are no shortcuts to stop that awful pain, I'm afraid. It's a major blow and you must go through the grieving process. You will embark on a roller coaster of emotions, and that's normal. You wouldn't be human if you didn't harbour these emotions (hurt, disbelief, anger, etc). Know that, with time, you will heal.

    I am also recently divorced (this past January) after a 29 year marriage. Back in May, I felt like my world fell apart. Sometimes, I think it's almost as bad as a death. But, I will say that I am feeling considerably better with the passage of time. Time is the key, dear OP. We all make progress at our own pace but you will get there. Like I said, I'm still hurting and there are days when I am unable to accept the reality that I was rejected and thrown away, but there are other days that I feel a sense of relief that I am no longer in a toxic relationship.

    I agree with SarahLancaster that a mediator may be your best bet but she's already refused to do that. Too bad. It would make so much sense to take that route. Obviously, she is experiencing her own set of emotions right now but I get the impression, from what you said, that she may be working with a lawyer. At all costs, please protect your severance package and your own interests. Some people get vindictive during these situations and act irrationally and I believe you are getting those vibes. It sounds to me that you're feeling are correct. I would hate to think that she is trying to screw you financially (sorry for the vulgarity). I'm glad to hear that you have attorneys in your family who will protect you and your interests. That's a big plus.

    I would also suggest to talk with family or a close friend. IMO, I found that to be very helpful, especially during my darkest moments. Failing that, perhaps a therapist may help. Think about it. Best of luck to you and may you eventually find happiness. Also, keep posting here; that helped me so much. Hugs.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Thanks for the responses, guys. It means a lot to me.

    One other wrinkle to add to this post: We've been taking each other off of joint accounts over the last few days. Today, she removed me from the joint cell phone account. Therefore, I had to go through the process of getting onto my own account. Anyway, I had to sign-in through the main interface. I couldn't help, but snoop through the call log. I kept seeing the same phone number popping up a recent contact.

    Anyway, I did a Google search of that number--and it's this older, loser of a guy that she had mentioned to me months ago. She mentioned how this old loser might be a good rebound for one of her girlfriends who getting divorced at the time. This guy is a total loser, lives at home with Mom & Dad (He's 42), and is a mutual friends of some of her new girlfriends. The dude is ugly as dirt.

    While mistakes were made on both sides, she's been trying to convince me that I've been the problem all along. Needless to say, I'm not innocent, but she isn't innocent easier. Maybe it's a way to alleviate her guilt of having an affair? Who knows.

    She's probably having an affair, while she's still married to me. Getting served the divorce papers will be a huge wakeup call for her. Also, I've changed the locks on the apartment.
    Last edited by thekid55; 04-05-2019 at 04:41 PM.

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    I am so sorry that you are dealing with this!

    Does she work? If so, is her income comparable?

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    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I am so sorry that you are dealing with this!

    Does she work? If so, is her income comparable?
    She's been working for the duration of the marriage. I make 2x of what she makes.

    This whole situation is just so funny. Last week, I wrote a really long, detailed e-mail regarding joint expenses that are due on the 15th. She totally blew off my e-mail. A few days later, I take a look at the joint credit card and I see all of these bogus charges for hair, nails, etc. I get pissed off and close the credit card immediately since it was my card and she was a user on it. Right on cue, she calls me over ten times, asking me why I shut down the credit card. I told her that I was pissed she blew off my e-mail and had all of these BS charges on the credit card. She said my e-mail was 'written like it was done by a lawyer' and that she 'had a hard week' and 'wanted to relax'. I told her it was a bunch of crapp.

    It's just ironic how she can and go and have an affair. However, she expects me to pay the bills, have a safe home base for her ready to go if she comes back. No way Jose. I made my share of mistakes, but if you are truly committed to your marriage, you don't jet out the door and tag along with an old loser.

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    Some are unscrupulous. You did right by closing the card.

    Being that you are in NY, will you have to pay support?

  10. #9
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Divorce brings out the worst in everyone involved, I'm afraid.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Some are unscrupulous. You did right by closing the card.

    Being that you are in NY, will you have to pay support?
    My lawyer is working on that piece of that now. We are fairly young (30), she's been fully employed and salaried during the marriage, but came into the marriage with a lot of student loan debt. I'm not on the hook for that debt, but she'll probably try to frame it as if her 'quality of life' will suffer greatly from divorce. From what the lawyer told me, NY is not freely handling out alimony anymore.

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