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Is there any hope left? What should I do?


Bulldawg2010

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Okay so my wife of about 10 months told me about 3 weeks ago she was unhappy and wanted to separate, we dated for 6 years and lived together for 2 prior to getting married. She told me that she no longer was in love with me, she cares and loves me but she isn’t in love with me. After she told me I handled it pretty badly, mainly bc I was in shock, we got into an argument and I gave her an ultimatum. Either marriage or divorce no separation. She chose divorce, I left our apartment. I later came back that night, and told her I was wrong and we could try separating. We agreed on one night I would spend at my parents, the next night I would be with her at the apartment. We did this for about 4 days. On that 4th night, I was suppose to go to my parents, but she had been acting strange through texts, so I decided to go home. I come home to find out that she can been drinking, and hid this from me. Once again I reacted very poorly, bc throughout our relationship we never hid anything from one another. So I felt betrayed and asked her why she was drinking and why she didn’t tell me. She proceeded to tell me she was drinking bc I had stressed her out, and she didn’t tell me bc she didn’t care too.

 

We had an agrument where things were said, then she attempted to get me to hit her. I remember her saying “you just can’t accept that I don’t want you anymore, I want to be alone”. Then I guess she could see I was getting pissed from what she was saying, and she proceeded to say “your no man, hit me, hit me, prove your not a man”. I have NEVER hit a woman, never will, it was at this point I decided to leave.

 

The next day she told me she didn’t want a separation anymore, she wanted a divorce. She filed on the 10th day after telling me she no longer was in love with me or happy. During this time we were barely communicating, but when we did I asked questions. I asked why she didn’t tell me she was unhappy if she had been for a few months like she said, she told me she didn’t know, she thought it would just go away. I brought up to her that just a few weeks before she told me all this we were looking to buy a house together, she said she thought that would fix it bc it would be something new. I asked her what she thought happened to cause this, and she said our fights had become toxic, and even though we didn’t argue or fight a lot, they always felt like ww3 was going on, she said that I had started to treat her as a friend and not a wife, that I wasn’t spending enough quality time with her.

She eventually agreed to go to marriage counseling with me, we went twice before she told me she wasn’t going back bc nothing is going to change her mind. She told me she knew that she had problems, but that she would work on them by herself and not with me.

 

 

Our last phone conversation was two days ago. She told me I should stop trying to fix things, stop trying to win her over. She told me I would just be wasting my time, energy, and hope. She said we might get back together one day, but it would be years down the road bc she wants to experience life without me. She wants to be independent. She swears up and down there is no one else and that she just wants to figure out life without me. Since that last phone conversation, I haven’t spoken to her in two days. Should I continue No contact? Is hope lost for us getting back together, I’m slowly losing hope.

 

This is just all so strange to me, I married a woman that told me she didn’t believe in divorce. I’ve been thrown into chaos and I really jus don’t know how to handle it.

 

Any advice and suggestions would be welcome.

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The full truth will come out over time. but at this time you need to protect yourself emotionally and financially. Get legal representation. Cancel joint credit cards and protect your money.

 

You could get a rude awakening soon finding your bank accounts drained off and the credit card maxed out.

 

Lawyer up!

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Well I haven’t gotten a lawyer, and don’t plan on it any time soon. She filed and I was served, I plan on doing a no contest, I was told the divorce will be finalized in 45 days after I was served. I’ve already closed our bank account, gave her the money that was hers from her job. We have no kids, no house. She agreed to let me have all the furniture I bought when we first moved in together.

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Sorry to hear this. Were there signs of any of this before you got married? What were the arguments about? What did she mean by quality time and treating her like a friend? Hopefully you've hired a good attorney to navigate the legal end. Continue therapy by yourself to navigate the emotional end.

She told me that she no longer was in love with me, she cares and loves me but she isn’t in love with me. she wanted a divorce. She filed on the 10th day after telling me she no longer was in love with me or happy. I asked her what she thought happened to cause this, and she said our fights had become toxic, she said that I had started to treat her as a friend and not a wife, that I wasn’t spending enough quality time with her. She swears up and down there is no one else and that she just wants to figure out life without me.
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@wiseman.

Yes there were signs, she was very insecure and constantly thought I was going to cheat on her or end the relationship. No amount of me comforting her changed anything. It would help for awhile, and then a couple of months down the road she would see where some random woman liked a Facebook status or something and would accuse me of cheating bc “ no one likes things randomly”. She would tell me she knows how women are and that when they randomly like my stuff on Facebook or isntagram that they were trying to get my attention. I thought things would get better once we moved in together so she could see I would never cheat on her, I thought things would get better when we got married so she could see she had me tied down and I only wanted to be with her.

 

As far as the arguments concern, they basically were brought about bc of her insecurities, after around 4 years of dealing with it on a pretty consistent basis, it started to annoy me, then it started to piss me off bc I felt like everything I did just wasn’t good enough. I even let her talk me out of hanging out with friends bc she always thought I was doing something wrong when I was with them. Even though I would constantly text her to prove to her I wasn’t doing anything.

 

As far as treating her like a friend and not spending quality time with her, I started to play video games, A LOT. I would come home from work, and just get online. I had no where else to go I feel like, I couldn’t hangout with friends, I couldn’t talk to anyone, so I would just get lost playing video games. I guess it just started to get to me that I was pretty unhappy.

 

But we also would still go out to eat, go see movies, hell we were still having sex pretty consistently before she dropped the nuke on me. We also had sex after she dropped it on me. She wasn’t acting strange, like she was still talking to me about work stress, just having random conversations with me, etc. she didn’t emotionally pull away.

 

I should have said this earlier, but she was diagnosed with anxiety and depression about 2 months before all this happened. She was prescribed some medication, I don’t remember the name. But she admitted to me that she stopped taking the medication for 4/5 days before she told me that she was unhappy. Her grandmother also passed away in January, and they were very close. In January she also got promoted to a store manager, and has been dealing with a lot of extra stress.

 

But she’s told me that none of that has effected her decision to get divorced, that’s its only about me, nothing else. She told me the last time we communicated that she doesn’t regret her decision for divorce, and also doesn’t miss me at all.

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Sorry, mang. More than likely, there IS somebody else. Very typical line lots of people received (ilybnilwy) with similar results. Drop her ass and move on with your life. The juice isn't worth the squeeze.

 

P.S. Do make sure it's a no contest indeed, before she decides to divorce rape you.

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There's another man.

 

To understand infidelity, and maybe save her from the clutches of a user, read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough". Never let her see this book.

 

First Aid:

- Don't think this can happen to you. If you do, you'll waste time and seal the fate.

- Stop telling her everything. Just listen. Don't move in or out..., just stop.

- Read Dobson asap. He'll tell you all the mistakes you already made, and the ones you're getting ready to make. (The shock and try to appease stage. )

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Just an update to the situation, my soon to be ex wife has admitted that she was emotionally involved with our neighbor, and not long after I moved out it became a physical relationship as well.

 

Thanks for all your advice, but I’m dropping this woman all together now. Cheating is the biggest no no for me. I personally believe once a cheater, always a cheater. Karma will come back on her 10 fold.

 

Thanks for the advice everyone, but I’m officially moving on.

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Sorry this happened, but you should feel better that it happened now rather than after buying a house, children...

 

It's too late to save your marriage, but there's a great website I suggest you read Al Turtle dot com. Best relationship website ever. Not to save this one, but to make the next one better.

 

Also, there's a sociology book called Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships that may be helpful. I found it invaluable.

 

Good luck.

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  • 1 month later...

Just an update for all you guys.

I found out that there indeed was another man.

And it turns out it was our neighbor a 37 year old man. She’s 24, I’m 26.

 

She has blocked me on all social media, bc once I found out I posted the screenshot of her admitting to cheating on me all over Facebook. So everyone knows. She’s also changed her number, so I’ve oretty much been forced into NC, but I would have gone NC anyways bc cheating is very black and white for me.

 

I’ve found out a lot of things since all this happened. She’s basically living with the guy right now. One of her friends that I guess felt bad for me told me that she’s over there 24/7 and doesn’t go to our apartment expect to feed the cat, and get clothes. Otherwise she’s over at his place. Her friend also told me that the weekend after she filed for divorce she took him to Savannah, Georgia, that one hurt like hell bc that’s were we went on our yearly anniversaries when we dated.

 

This woman literally left a 6 year relationship, a 10 month marriage, for a 37 year old man. I must have been a god awful husband.

 

It’s just crazy, her irrational fear I would leave her for someone else, her constantly accusing me of cheating, and SHES the one that does it. Telling me I’m emotionally abusive when she’s the one that started all the fighting, she’s the one that would tell me I couldn’t hangout with my friends bc she didn’t trust them.

 

Cheaters rewrite history so they don’t feel bad about what they did. I could have never done this to her.

 

Our divorce was finalized about a week ago, I’m still holding onto hope that she wakes up bc honestly all I want is a damn apology. But I will probably never get one.

 

Being replaced, being cheated on, being left for another man, it’s probably the worst feelings I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I pray to find peace one day. Until then, I’m going to continue going to IC, the gym, and immerse myself in my job.

 

Thank you all for reading and for any advice you can give.

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Wow. Sorry this happened. In retrospect what were the signs? In the long run she'll be stuck with this guy and you'll be free to meet quality women. It doesn't seem like it now, but you dodged a bullet. This isn't about you, it's about her immaturity and bad choices.

I found out that there indeed was another man. And it turns out it was our neighbor a 37 year old man. She’s 24, I’m 26.

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Well according to my counselor I’ve ignored a lot of signs and red flags throughout our relationship. I would have to go all the way back to the second or third month of us dating for the first one. Back then there was a thing going on Facebook where it was like message me a number and I’ll post a status of what I think about you. One of her co workers messaged her “69” and she messaged back what? Then he said I would do that to you, then she said “what else would you do to me?” That was all, and she ended up telling me about it and showing me the messages the next day. But who would have thought, she showed she was a cheater before I fell in love with her. I chalked it up to her being single and immature for so long, she was 18 when this happened, but no she showed me very early on that she was capable of cheating.

 

Another sign was the stories she herself told me throughout our relationship. She’s always told me when she’s done with someone she’s done. Her first boyfriend before they broke up, she had been talking to someone behind his back, so no amount of begging/ pleading was gonna change her mind. She already liked this guy, as soon as the broke up the guy she was talking to behind her boyfriends back stopped talking to her and started talking to someone else. This happened when she was 15. She’s always told me she’s never gone back to anyone, she doesn’t have any regrets.

 

Other signs that I ignored, her constantly accusing ME of cheating, if a woman liked my stuff on Facebook, well it was obvious to her that we were talking. If I forgot to tell her when I got to work, well then I wasn’t at work. One time she even DROVE BY MY WORK, said she didn’t see my car so I wasn’t there. I had to FaceTime her to prove to her I was where I said I was.

 

She also had an irrational fear I would leave her for someone better. We use to have almost monthly conversations where I would have to reassure her I was happy and wasn’t going anywhere.

 

one of the last things she told me, was that she regretted marrying me, bc there was never 100% trust, that we shouldn’t have been together for as long as we were. I stupidly did have 100\% trust, but she never trusted me the way I did her.

 

Now I’m questioning if she ever really loved me. Sure 95% of the time, I was happy and we made some great memories. But what I expierenced in the last three months isn’t love.

 

Before all this happened, two weeks before all this happened, we were looking at buying houses. She told me she was unhappy for months, so she was pretending to be happy, making me think we were going to continue our life together. But she was planning on leaving me for the first guy that showed any interest in her at all. I couldn’t do that to my worst enemy, I wouldn’t be able to pretend, to look at houses, to tell them I loved them every night before we went to sleep. What she did to me, it was evil.

 

That can’t be love can it?

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Dude, you got off so easy! Take some time to truly appreciate this (just read some other stories of guys getting divorce raped). Eff the feels and all that nonsense. It's your time now to really learn who you are. Punani will come and go - that's life. Do not make it your first priority. Go and travel or do something you haven't been able to, because you were with her. Do not, under any circumstance, try and rush into the next "relationship."

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Yup, everyone has told me I’ve gotten off so easy. That I should look at it as a blessing and not a curse. Y’all are right. Slowly but surely I’m looking at it like that.

 

Funny thing, one of my best friends was going through something similar about 2 years ago. His fiancée just out of the blue didn’t want him anymore. I told him there was probably someone else. He didn’t dig, and he’s met a woman that is twice as good as his ex. By the time his fiancée reached out to him a year later, he was indifferent to her words.

 

I just have too get through what is probably the only and worst depression I’ve ever been in to get to that point. But I refuse to let this that I didn’t think my wife was, beat me down and make me lose myself in the process.

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.

 

Funny thing, one of my best friends was going through something similar about 2 years ago. His fiancée just out of the blue didn’t want him anymore. I told him there was probably someone else. He didn’t dig, and he’s met a woman that is twice as good as his ex. By the time his fiancée reached out to him a year later, he was indifferent to her words.

 

I just have too get through what is probably the only and worst depression I’ve ever been in to get to that point. But I refuse to let this that I didn’t think my wife was, beat me down and make me lose myself in the process.

 

follow this good example set by your friend. when you got good friends, you can heal from this and start with someone new.

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Do some reading on this forum and you will see your story over and over again.

 

You loved her and ignored some signs your probably should have picked up on bit this forum is full of people just like you. It is called trust, faith and love. You were open and honest and she wasn't and will probably never be her whole life. Don't beat yourself up just because you fell in love with a person like her. It was her doing, not yours.

 

Learn from this, heal and when you are ready open your heart again and someone better will find you.

 

Lost

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  • 4 weeks later...

Sooo another update for you guys.

 

Ex wife decided to put a TPO on me about two weeks ago. We went to court last Thursday and the judge threw it out bc I haven’t contacted or seen her in two months.

 

Found out she only did it bc of me exposing her affair on Facebook. No one believes her side of the story. She’s mad.

 

Jesus Christ I don’t think I’ll ever get an apology from this woman, not that I need one honestly. I wouldn’t believe her.

 

A 24 year old wife cheats on her 26 year old husband with a 37 year old man. My life feels like a Jerry Springer episode. I mean hell she moved in with him like two or three days after she filed for divorce.

 

I seriously can’t believe I had to go to court for a restraining order. This woman has lost her dang mind.

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Don't waste your time on revenge and court cases. It's a headache you don't need.

 

Well it’s too late for that. I went to court, embarrassed her. I bet she hates me for that too.

 

Hopefully this was the last time I have to deal with this woman. Hopefully.

 

But I just have a feeling that it’s not.

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Anything she wants to throw at you just ignore it. You no longer have any ties to her and when she comes crawling back with a message to see how you've been after this 37 year old guy is bored with her that will be your revenge.

 

Being betrayed sucks. Get better not bitter. You don't need that negativity in your life it will keep you from getting a good woman. Stay humble.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well one more update for you guys.

So my dad saw this OM our at a restaurant last week, ex wife wasn’t with him. He was at the bar at the restaurant. As soon as he saw my dad, the OM dipped out. Dad told me about it when I got home from work (still living with my parents until I join the Air Force). I told my dad how weird that was, considering my ex wife wouldn’t let me go out to bars to save my life, and this guy is out and about. Told my dad I wouldn’t be surprised if something had happened in fairytale land.

 

Well turns out my gut was right, a few days later I get a phone call from work from a number I didn’t have saved in my phone. So I didn’t answer. Get a voicemail and of course, it’s her.

 

The voicemail said “Hey “my name” this is “ex wife’s name” I know I’m probably the last person on earth you want to talk too, but I just want to talk about things whenever you have a minute”.

 

So of course, I called her after I got off of work. She proceeds to cry and told me that she made a big mistake. I told her these were not mistakes, but choices, I told her you made a choice to have an affair, you made a choice to divorce me for the 37 year old, you made a choice to move in with him, you made a choice to try to put a bogus restraining order on me. She insisted that they were all mistakes. I told her okay, pretend I made all those “mistakes” would you be on the phone talking to me after I realized what I did was wrong. She said no. I said exactly.

 

She then told me how sorry she was AGAIN. She told me that she was unhappy and he was just there. I asked her if she was so unhappy, why were we in the process of buying a house A WEEK before all this happened. She told me she thought it would be new and could fix us, make her happy. I said I didn’t believe it.

 

 

The conversation went on about God, how she feels like she’s condemned her soul to hell and she needs me to forgive her. I told her God can forgive you, it doesn’t mean that I have too. Then went on to mental illness. She believes something is wrong with her and wants my help to fix it. I told her flatly that yes, I think there is something wrong with you mentally, no sane person leaves a 6 year relationship a 10 month marriage for someone that much older than her. But that I would not help her figure out what it is.

 

She then brought up the air force, and told me how she didn’t want me to join. I told her that unfortunately you lost the privilege of telling me what to do the moment you decided to leave me for another man. That’s when I hung up.

 

 

SO after all that, she comes to my brothers work place to give me a picture of my family that I must have left over at our apartment.

 

I’m at a loss for words. Is this normal?

She literally just tried to have a restraining order put on me.

 

I guess the grass wasn’t greener on the other side after all.

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@sweetgirl28. Don’t worry, I have no plans at all to continue talking to her. Honestly, the only reason why I called her back was bc i felt like this conversation would give me some type of closure. I wanted her to know I was doing just fine without her. I feel like she knew I put her on a pedetsal. That she knew my life would be all out of wack without her in it.

 

And it was, I can’t stress enough that it really was. She was the “bead maker” if you will. She had a better job, hell I had to move back in with my parents bc of all of this. But my eyes were opened. I realized, maybe not as quickly as I wanted too, but still fairly quickly that I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve to be cheated on, especially after all the bull I put up with over the years.

 

I’m beyond 1,000 percent convinced that my ex wife is indeed a narcissistic sociopath. She feels no guilt in any of this, and everything she has done she has justified “ that is makes her happy”.

 

I refuse to be someone’s second choice. I refuse to try to fix something that I didn’t break. And I refuse to allow this woman to have any more power over me.

 

 

She made this reality. I hate the OM, I really do, bc he knew that my wife was married. He knew everything and still pursued her. But she allowed all of this to happen. Bc of her choice, we are in this storm.

 

Well i should say, she is in this storm.

I will not play any part of it anymore.

 

The Jerry Springer episode is at an end. And I will make it my mission in life to live a happy life without her.

 

 

She is nothing but a painful memory that hopefully will bring less and less pain the longer I go without talking to her.

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Yes this is very normal especially at her age, The grass is greener..blah blah...now that she has been dumped she feels she can’t be alone so she runs back to you. I had this happen years ago, we weren’t married but everything else was the exact same. I tried getting back with her cause I was young too but that lasted about 24 hours until I snapped to and realized she dumped me and caused me all the pain so F her, I told her forget it and never spoke to her again. There are plenty of women out there just like this. Keep your eyes open. Much later after 24 years together my now ex wife cheated and left me for a family friend. This happens in life. It sucks but you have to learn to rely on yourself. Don’t give someone your whole heart.

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