"you can't..."

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. I knew from the beginning he wasn't a huge fan of drinking, so I knew from the beginning that he would never part-take. However, a little further into our relationship he informed me that he would break up with me if I drank ever. At first I didn't think this would be an issue since I wasn't hugely into alcohol anyway but the part that kept digging at me was the fact he was basically telling me what I could and couldn't do. I recently tried to talk to he to maybe on special occasions drink and promise to never get drunk but he quickly shot it down and reminded me that he wouldn't remain with me if I drank. I really don't want to break up with him for a stupid reason like alcohol but it's starting to really dig at me. I've never once told him that he "could not" do something. I know at one point I hinted at that I didn't like something and he said "too bad, if you don't like it break up with me." Again, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE ALCOHOL, it's the fact that I'm "not allowed to". I don't really know what to do. I love this man, I want to marry him.

This goes way beyond the alcohol. He sounds very controlling, and I am certain it is not limited to the alcohol.

You are not three. Do not ever allow a partner tell you that "you are not allowed."

Love yourself more. Lose the bf.

This goes way beyond the alcohol. He sounds very controlling, and I am certain it is not limited to this only.

 

You are not three. Do not ever allow a partner tell you that "you are not allowed."

 

Love yourself more. Lose the bf.

Exactly this ^^^^^^

"While I appreciate your concern, you are not in charge of me and should not attempt to prevent me from having a social drink or two. That's a little extreme. I plan on drinking socially. While I want to remain with you, I suppose that leaves the ball in your court."

He's told you where he stands, even if in a way I couldn't outright defend. If you want to drink, find another guy. He's not allowing or disallowing you to do anything. He's establishing relationship boundaries in an incredibly unhealthy way. You don't have to play that game. Leave.

He is controlling. Full-stop.

Only you can decide if you want to play along and pander to him. It will likely get worse as he tries to forbid you from other things. Believe me, guys like this don't stop at just one "rule."

You should find out why he never wants you to drink. Maybe he has a story about alcohol. For example, Pres. Trump has never had a drink in his life because his older brother was an alcoholic and he saw what it did to him.

You should find out why he never wants you to drink. Maybe he has a story about alcohol. For example, Pres. Trump has never had a drink in his life because his older brother was an alcoholic and he saw what it did to him.

There probably is a story behind his proclamation... I would definitely want to know more about why he is setting such an extreme boundary. Maybe it is based on some deep rooted fear.

That being said it’s for him to deal with his feelings. It’s cool to have compassion and empathy, but you don’t have to caretake his feelings around this, and are certainly entitled to set your own boundaries in this situation.

He was upfront about his deal-breakers. You can do whatever you want. Everyone is allowed to have their own set of deal-breakers. Date guys with similar values to you rather than trying to change them or them trying to change you. No one wants a bait and switch situation in dating.

For example, say you don't like smoking or smokers. Then you date a nonsmoker. But what if they started negotiating with you about smoking socially or just started smoking, etc. Yes, you'd break up with them. Everyone, including you, has a right to their set of deal-breakers. If you want to drink socially, date guys who have the same mindset. He's not 'allowing' you or not. That's a childish mindset.

I knew from the beginning that he would never part-take. However, a little further into our relationship he informed me that he would break up with me if I drank ever.

He was upfront about his deal-breakers. You can do whatever you want. Everyone is allowed to have their own set of deal-breakers. Date guys with similar values to you rather than trying to change them or them trying to change you. No one wants a bait and switch situation in dating.

 

For example, say you don't like smoking or smokers. Then you date a nonsmoker. But what if they started negotiating with you about smoking socially or just started smoking, etc. Yes, you'd break up with them. Everyone, including you, has a right to their set of deal-breakers. If you want to drink socially, date guys who have the same mindset. He's not 'allowing' you or not. That's a childish mindset.

What Wiseman wrote is true. This guy has identified drinking as something he doesn't want in his life. Period. If you can't abide by it, stop dating him and stop trying to get him to change. It is disrespectful to him and certainly not loving. I had a boundary in that I didn't want to hang out with my ex and other girls he was sleeping with, he wanted me to and kept trying so I broke up with him. Does that make me controlling, no it just makes me aware of what I will and will not put up with. Don't force this issue.. If you don't feel you can live with out ever having alcohol, leave.

In addition to the problem of someone attempting to control me, I'd be doubly angry that he didn't tell me this upfront, BEFORE getting involved with me. I'd tell him that I adore him but won't accept a partner who wants to control me. If he ever decides that he can trust my judgment in how I behave, then he's welcome to let me know. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

You can opt to stay involved while resenting him, but this is more likely to become worse, not better. Next he'll find another 'reason' to overreach into controlling your life because you've accepted the first line he's drawn. I'd skip that and liberate myself to move forward and find someone who accepts all of me, including my best judgment for myself.

Head high.

Like wiseman said, deal breakers are deal breakers. Maybe this guy is an ex alcoholic. Maybe he grew up with an alcoholic parent. Maybe it's religious reasons. My neighbors are Muslim and they don't touch alcohol ever.

My deal breakers are pot heads, drug use, past drug use, drinking more than social or in moderation. I don't do any of those things and never have and I expect a clean partner. Might sound judgemental but I don't care, they are my personal requirements and I won't settle for any less. I was with a guy who went from pot to cocaine and got drunk way too often because he spent a lot of time with friends and I'm not reliving that nightmare ever.

There's nothing wrong with you wanting to have a drink or two socially. It's up to you to stay or go. Is having a drink important enough to you to leave? I can go months on end even over a year without having a single drop of alcohol. Why is it that you want to drink?

You should find out why he never wants you to drink. Maybe he has a story about alcohol. For example, Pres. Trump has never had a drink in his life because his older brother was an alcoholic and he saw what it did to him.

It doesn't matter. The behavior is over-the-top.

It doesn't matter. The behavior is over-the-top.

I have a friend that was an alcohol and he has the same relationship boundaries. He is also married with kids and his wife has no issues with the zero tolerance alcohol because of an abusive alcoholic father.

I also personally have a zero tolerance issue with exs. I would never be in a relationship with someone who has any interactions with an ex. Some might find that over the top too.

I personally feel that it is not something I would ever deal with in a relationship but he has every right to set that boundary.

So either deal with it or end it. At least he spelled it out in pretty simple terms. Most people don't seem to give such clear-cut relationship boundaries, so I will at least give him that.

Over the top behavior is everyone's right in determining relationship boundaries.

 

I have a friend that was an alcohol and he has the same relationship boundaries. He is also married with kids and his wife has no issues with the zero tolerance alcohol because of an abusive alcoholic father.

 

I also personally have a zero tolerance issue with exs. I would never be in a relationship with someone who has any interactions with an ex. Some might find that over the top too.

 

I personally feel that it is not something I would ever deal with in a relationship but he has every right to set that boundary.

 

So either deal with it or end it. At least he spelled it out in pretty simple terms. Most people don't seem to give such clear-cut relationship boundaries, so I will at least give him that.

My boundaries are clear and I've been called a b**** for that lol but it's called not settling. Being responsible with your life and not accepting behaviors that will lead to big relationship issues.

The thing with the ex contact though, I'm usually in agreement with the male mind, however I don't get it? The ex was there before the new partner, and maybe they really are platonic friends, just like I am with two of mine. I won't cross the lines. Is it jealousy? Insecurity? A threat? I think it's about trust yet I've had guys get mad at me but unless there's something suspicious going on, let it be. A partner can hook up and cheat with anyone, it doesn't have to be an ex. I think as long as we are honest about the contact and don't hide anything, and don't stay out all night with them or go partying with them or romantic dinners or sexting it shouldn't matter.

Over the top behavior is everyone's right in determining relationship boundaries.

 

I have a friend that was an alcohol and he has the same relationship boundaries. He is also married with kids and his wife has no issues with the zero tolerance alcohol because of an abusive alcoholic father.

 

I also personally have a zero tolerance issue with exs. I would never be in a relationship with someone who has any interactions with an ex. Some might find that over the top too.

 

I personally feel that it is not something I would ever deal with in a relationship but he has every right to set that boundary.

 

So either deal with it or end it. At least he spelled it out in pretty simple terms. Most people don't seem to give such clear-cut relationship boundaries, so I will at least give him that.

If she goes out with friends and has a couple of drinks - not around him - it doesn't affect him.

An ex situation would affect her. Someone coming home smelling like smoke does affect another.

My boundaries are clear and I've been called a b**** for that lol but it's called not settling. Being responsible with your life and not accepting behaviors that will lead to big relationship issues.

 

The thing with the ex contact though, I'm usually in agreement with the male mind, however I don't get it? The ex was there before the new partner, and maybe they really are platonic friends, just like I am with two of mine. I won't cross the lines. Is it jealousy? Insecurity? A threat? I think it's about trust yet I've had guys get mad at me but unless there's something suspicious going on, let it be. A partner can hook up and cheat with anyone, it doesn't have to be an ex. I think as long as we are honest about the contact and don't hide anything, and don't stay out all night with them or go partying with them or romantic dinners or sexting it shouldn't matter.

I agree. I have no issues with the exes, as long as the feelings are long gone.

Again, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE ALCOHOL, it's the fact that I'm "not allowed to". I don't really know what to do. I love this man, I want to marry him.

Then you're going to have be be fine with him telling you what you can and can't do.

I'm not seeing what the issue is. He's been completely clear with you on this--no need for all of this feigned confusion.

If you want to be his wife, you can never have a sip of alcohol for the rest of your life, being that marriage is for the rest of your life.

Just be prepared for his can't list to grow and you will have to go along with it if you want him as your husband.

If you don't want to go along with his can't list, then dump him; but no one has a magic pill recipe for you to cook up that will flip him into being someone he clearly has no interest in being.

So it would depend why-if it was because he was a recovering alcoholic or similar then it's a health reason (like any partner smoking around me would be a total dealbreaker but I would have brought that up when we met or maybe even before). To me the why is all important as to whether it's controlling or a boundary/reasonable.

If she goes out with friends and has a couple of drinks - not around him - it doesn't affect him.

 

An ex situation would affect her. Someone coming home smelling like smoke does affect another.

If I were to say that I like to trip acid a few times a year is that of zero concern for my spouse?

You have no issue with alcohol so that is your subjective view of the situation.

But LSD isn't addictive, alcohol is. Occasional usage of LSD also has negligible health consequences, just like alcohol.

LSD usage while I am away from my spouse also would have equivalent repercussions on her as remote alcohol usage.

But on that same note a person that has extramarital relations yet practices safe sex and doesn't let that sex affect their LT relationship is in a similar situation.

You are just arbitrarily drawing a line in the sand on what is acceptable or not based on your morals.

If someone viewed alcohol as you do narcotics how is that different?

As far of the ex thing goes with me...

I hate the "collector" mentality. If I am in a relationship with someone and it ends I don't want a relationship with that person anymore. Of any variety.

I find holding on to attachments with failed partners is a waste of time and a needless complication for future relationships.

I would like my partner to be of a similar mindset. If you knew me you would never think I am insecure or jealous. It is funny even attributing those characteristics to me.

I have plenty of flaws, just not those.

I just put my partner above all and to me even having someone with which I was romantic with in my life is a pointless attachment.

I have also been stubbornly pursued by an ex, as my wife has also. So I am sure that has a bit to do with it too.

But my "no ex" rule has worked out great so far, my wife and I are very happy with each other.

I know a lot of people who have ruined relationships because they couldn't have healthy boundaries with an ex, even without actually cheating or anything.

I understand your logic but you are putting your moral values subjectively into this scenario with regards to morality of alcohol.

 

If I were to say that I like to trip acid a few times a year is that of zero concern for my spouse?

 

You have no issue with alcohol so that is your subjective view of the situation.

 

But LSD isn't addictive, alcohol is. Occasional usage of LSD also has negligible health consequences, just like alcohol.

 

LSD usage while I am away from my spouse also would have equivalent repercussions on her as remote alcohol usage.

 

But on that same note a person that has extramarital relations yet practices safe sex and doesn't let that sex affect their LT relationship is in a similar situation.

 

You are just arbitrarily drawing a line in the sand on what is acceptable or not based on your morals.

 

If someone viewed alcohol as you do narcotics how is that different?

 

As far of the ex thing goes with me...

 

I hate the "collector" mentality. If I am in a relationship with someone and it ends I don't want a relationship with that person anymore. Of any variety.

 

I find holding on to attachments with failed partners is a waste of time and a needless complication for future relationships.

 

I would like my partner to be of a similar mindset. If you knew me you would never think I am insecure or jealous. It is funny even attributing those characteristics to me.

 

I have plenty of flaws, just not those.

 

I just put my partner above all and to me even having someone with which I was romantic with in my life is a pointless attachment.

 

I have also been stubbornly pursued by an ex, as my wife has also. So I am sure that has a bit to do with it too.

 

But my "no ex" rule has worked out great so far, my wife and I are very happy with each other.

 

I know a lot of people who have ruined relationships because they couldn't have healthy boundaries with an ex, even without actually cheating or anything.

If you were a nondrinker when you met you are misrepresenting yourself. When you are young and inexperienced many people think they can change, fix and retool partners into what they want through talk, persuasion etc. He doesn't have to date drinkers and you don't have to date teetotalers. The most important thing to learn about dating is 'what you see is what you get'.

Like wiseman said, deal breakers are deal breakers. Maybe this guy is an ex alcoholic. Maybe he grew up with an alcoholic parent. Maybe it's religious reasons. My neighbors are Muslim and they don't touch alcohol ever.

 

My deal breakers are pot heads, drug use, past drug use, drinking more than social or in moderation. I don't do any of those things and never have and I expect a clean partner. Might sound judgemental but I don't care, they are my personal requirements and I won't settle for any less. I was with a guy who went from pot to cocaine and got drunk way too often because he spent a lot of time with friends and I'm not reliving that nightmare ever.

But he should have told her this before they got involved . .or exercised his right to not date someone that drank.

It's not fair to tell her what to do a year and half into it.

LSD is illegal, alcohol use is not. S/O breaking the law time and time again is reason for concern, complying with the law and drinking negligible amounts of alcohol socially is not.

If you drive a few miles over the speed limit then you are participating in illegal activities as well.

If legality is your primary concern I bet you most anyone you have dated has willfully broken the law.

So deciding that this illegal activity is fine but this other one is not is putting your moral subjectivity on laws to determine acceptable ones to break or not.

Which is once again just using your morals to subjectively skew activity as right and wrong.

Doing that for your relationships is what everyone is supposed to do to help meet an appropriate mate.

My issue is saying that "alcohol is fine as a drug because I think it is" is a subjective place to draw the line, regardless of whether it is illegal or not.

More people are hurt from alcohol than LSD so what the government thinks is safe is rarely the best opinion.

Just because you think alcohol is fine doesn't mean everyone should. And critizing someone's viewpoint on their morality because they don't find it acceptable is hypocritical when all you are doing is drawing your own line.

In all honesty I couldn't care less about legality compared to my personal morality.

But to the OP.

He might be crazy but that is his right in this regard.

I couldn't stand such a thing but many people could and you are wasting both your time if you aren't able to deal with such a cut and dry boundary.

But he should have told her this before they got involved . .or exercised his right to not date someone that drank.

It's not fair to tell her what to do a year and half into it.

I thought this was upfront.

If he waited he is just a controlling and manipulative person.