Trust is everything..

So here is the deal... I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 months now. We were childhood sweethearts.. he was my “middle school boyfriend” back in the 7th grade. High school comes and he transfers schools. Fast forward.. we both graduate high school, he goes off to the army, I go to college. We both get married. Both have a son and now both divorced. Jumping to current time, he is the love of my life. We legitimately fit so perfectly together. Like fingers in a glove. We complete each other. So when We found each other again back in August 2017. And When we found each other again, he was currently at a rehab center getting treatment for his drug abuse. I’m not new to drug users unfortunately due to family with the problem so it didn’t bother me. (Although I have never touched a drug in my life) All I cared about was he was getting the help he needed and he wanted to live a healthy lifestyle. He’s clean from the drugs but has a problem with alcohol as well. (He stuffers from PTSD due to his deployments when serving in the army which causes the drug and alcohol abuse) anyways, a month ago he went to the bar with a coworker of his, ended up wreaking our bmw, getting a dui and spending the night in jail. Probably the worst night of my life... the problem I have is I don’t trust him at all not to drink. He’s be doing NA but has stressed to me that he wants to drink again. The day he got out of jail I told him no more alcohol and he agreed.. and now he wants to drink. I constantly always worry about him drinking and i don’t know if it’s justifiable or not. He keeps telling me... “thousands of people get duis everyday and they don’t stop drinking, I don’t know why I have to be different ” he has even openly admit to me he is an alcoholic. He’s not mean or grumpy, just likes to drink. I don’t know if I can handle the stress of always worrying about him drinking or not. Should he start drinking again? Should I stay firm in this and not let him drink. He’s such a stubborn guy so if I push too hard and tell him no to much, he will just end up drinking anyways but what he doesn’t understand is the pain I felt driving up to the scene where our wrecked car was.. watch him get thrown to the ground and also getting arrested while my 5 year old son watched all this happening..

"Our" car? It's horrifying that you are subjecting your son to this. After 7 mos dating, get out and run from this mess. You need to put your child and your own and his well being first, not run after drunks and drug addicts.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 months now. he was currently at a rehab center getting treatment for his drug abuse. a month ago he went to the bar with a coworker of his, ended up wreaking our bmw, getting a dui and spending the night in jail. he has even openly admit to me he is an alcoholic. the pain I felt driving up to the scene where our wrecked car was.. watch him get thrown to the ground and also getting arrested while my 5 year old son watched all this happening..

I got a question for you. If you were reading your own post from another girl, what would you immediately say?

Exactly.

People who are in rehab are told not to start or take on anything new until after a year of completing the rehab. That means no new pets, no household moves, and no new relationships. He went against that advice and is not ready for a relationship, which is why the professionals who are skilled at rehab programs give that advice.

Having previously known this man in the past has given you a false sense that you know him in his present state. You don't, and calling him the love of your life after only 7 months is unrealistic. Beginnings of relationships are filled with hormones running rampant and you've been feeling that high. But even before a year has transpired, you're seeing the reality of the situation now.

The drunken crash should've been a wake up call, but it was not. A person has to want to quit drinking, and ultimatums or nagging from you won't stop him. Go to an Al-Anom meeting if you want a reality check of what other people are dealing with, with loved ones who are alcoholics.

It doesn't matter how long you've invested in this relationship, and really, it's only been the blink of an eye. Leave now before you waste any more of your time and subject your child to an addicted member of the household.

Alcoholics are not "present" with you, even if they are in the same room. You can't count on them when you need them. If your child needed to be picked up from school because of illness, etc., and he could get there quicker, if he was drunk, that would be dangerous, of course. He's harming his body, which can result in organ damage and then you're dealing with doctor bills and a possible early death. His job will be at risk if he shows up to work drunk. And children often pattern their own habits on the adults in their lives, especially ones of the same gender. Your son will think it's normal for a man to drink daily and drive drunk, and might imitate that behavior when he becomes an adult.

Choose someone you don't want to change, because unfortunately, it's his right to pickle himself if that's his choice. If so, it's also your right to say, "This isn't working for me." Walk away for your own good, and especially for your son.

He has a history of alcohol and drug abuse. He has the time in rehab and a criminal record to prove it.

This is not someone who can be trusted to be a casual drinker. He's just lying to himself and you. You have a hard choice to make and you need to draw a firm line.

You've stood behind him for years in the hopes he could turn this around.

No he's turning it on you. And it's not just about you anymore. It's about your son and what he's being exposed to.

It's time for an ultimatum. It likely will not go the way you hope. Addicts like him need to lose everything before they see the light. At that point it's too late to come back from.

What keeps you in this? And don't say love because love isn't disrespect and accepting bad behaviors that involve breaking the law.

Just think if your son was in that car. Because it can happen.

Leave him alone to deal with his issues because he's not even willing to change. If an arrest didn't scare him, you certainly won't. You can't reason with a person with substance abuse issues unless they want the help and stay sober.

What keeps you in this? And don't say love because love isn't disrespect and accepting bad behaviors that involve breaking the law.

 

Just think if your son was in that car. Because it can happen.

 

Leave him alone to deal with his issues because he's not even willing to change. If an arrest didn't scare him, you certainly won't. You can't reason with a person with substance abuse issues unless they want the help and stay sober.

This. Don’t ever expect an addict to change for you.... and by hanging on you are being codependent and enabling him. Addicts are counterintuitive... the only thing that seems to motivate them to change is when all of their loved ones set boundaries and walk away.

No way in fresh heck would I stay with this man. It's toxic for you, but you also have a child who does not need to be exposed to this level of chaos.

Your man is an addict, plain and simple. There's no such thing as casual drinking with an addict. He's already excusing his behaviour away, when it's clear he is already out of control. He is lucky this time that he didn't kill himself or someone else, but I guarantee this will not be his last drunken driving accident. How will you feel when you get the call that he has slammed into a family on their way home from a nice dinner and now the kids are parentless? Or heaven forbid, that he wrapped his car around a tree and he didn't make it? Or that he was picking up your son from a friend's and was so drunk he ran a red light with your boy in the car?

You need to take a long hard look at the reality of living with addict, and ask yourself why you would risk your and your son's emotional and physical well-being. What is it in you that would consider enabling this?

HE IS GOING TO DRINK AGAIN. Understand that first and foremost. He's not interested in stopping, not even for you.

He loves alcohol more than he loves you. You trying to get him to agree to not drink anymore is futile--he's going to drink because he hasn't hit his rock bottom.

He has got demons he's battling that he needs professional help in rooting out--meaning: he needs a substance/alcohol abuse therapist more than he needs a girlfriend right now. Love and being childhood sweethearts won't do it. It's not enough to vanquish this.

Do you like who you have to become in order to deal with him or have him in your life? Do you want to become his enabler and apologist? Is that the example of what a relationship is about that you want to present to your impressionable 5 year old?