I don't feel like my husband is the person I married anymore

My husband and I have been married for 8years, together over 15 and have 2 beautiful kids. But since we've been married and had kids my husband has changed. Physically and personality wise. He seems to have his own life, while my life seems to be me and the kids. He basically just works, drinks beer and watches tv. It's always a battle to get him to socialise or spend time with the family. He's also gained at least 20-30 kgs and has stopped grooming himself (shaving, cutting hair, wearing nice clothes, grooming his body hair) which may sound shallow but was one of the things that I loved about him and was attracted to. We don't have sex anymore because to be honest I'm not physically attracted to him anymore. Which is not just his appearance but his hygiene habits too. Not cleaning up the toilet properly after himself which means me literally cleaning up his and him peeing in the garden near our house which means it smells like a city ally way even though I repeatedly ask him not to. I know this all sounds stupid but I really feel like there is no effort put in for me anymore and he says I should love him for who he is, but if this was who he was when we met I wouldn't have married him. i really want to know if I am a horrible person for wanting to be physically attracted to me partner and for wanting him to be more of a family man? TIA

Sorry to hear this is happening. Unfortunately he has descended into being a functional alcoholic. These attitudes and behaviors you described are of someone whose primary relationship is with alcohol. Sadly you can talk, plead, try to fix, etc, but you are talking to a wall of booze. The best thing you can do is research alcoholism and get support through alanon, a support group for family of alcoholics. It may be best to remove yourself from this situation. Right now he has the family, house, job etc. And his alcohol.

He basically just works, drinks beer and watches tv. He's also gained at least 20-30 kgs and has stopped grooming himself.him peeing in the garden near our house which means it smells like a city ally. he says I should love him for who he is

Oh, my God! Ew! This sounds horrible. It's even worse if he goes into work like this. He may be suffering from depression. I think you should get him to see somebody, or if he has any friends or family who can talk to him. Stage an intervention. Or maybe you can call his work and have his boss talk to him. He needs help of some kind. I remember one time we had a new employee and he stank! The boss pulled himself aside and told him he had to shower every day and use deodorant. Pretty soon, we could stand to be near him and he wasn't a bad guy. I actually took a trip to a training session with him to upstate New York. But somehow he had stopped cleaning himself and he needed some talking to. I hope you can find someone to help your husband.

"...but if this was who he was when we met I wouldn't have married him."

- Have you told him this?

He needs a wake up call that you're unwilling to live the rest of your life like this. I'd ask him to attend couples counseling with you, and if he refuses, tell him you'll be going to a counselor on your own. This will let him know he might lose you if he doesn't make improvements.

You can try another discussion. Turn off the t.v. Sit on the couch by him and hold his hand. Tell him you love him and want to reestablish an emotional connection, and that you have ideas of doing this. Tell him a few basic ones to start off with, so you don't overwhelm him. If he makes excuses and refuses, tell him you're not living like this anymore.

You can't fix a marriage by yourself. If he can't meet you halfway, start making a plan for an exit. I ended my first marriage because he was angry at every counseling session, didn't want to be there, and didn't follow the counselors suggestions, since he insisted the woman was pro me and against him.

Get your finances separated. If he is on your credit cards, remove his name. I don't know what the rules are where you live, but where I live, if you're married ten years or more, you're entitled to half of a spouse's retirement funds and half of their pension. Check to see what the case is in your area. Do what's better financially for yourself, whether it be to wait it out to the ten year mark or not. If you don't work, you might want to think about establishing yourself in a career because you will have to be able to live independently because child support payments don't add up to much.

After my divorce, I was eventually able to find a partner I am far happier with. I wish the same for you.

I'm sorry OP, but it's time for some tough love. He is being the way he is because you are putting up with it. Stop. Literally. I mean all he is doing is throwing out some bs that you should love him the way he is and you fold. It's not working and he is taking advantage of your naivete.

When he comes home, long past due to sit his azz down and read him the riot act about what you want and expect from him. Also, pour the alcohol down the drain in his face and tell him flat out no more. Not even a drop. Either he shapes up or he is getting shipped out and mean it. Start taking concrete steps to separate. Start separating your finances, tell him he has a deadline to seek counseling for his issues, start showering, stop p$ssing in the yard, get off the booze, start working out and losing weight. If he doesn't get on board, he is out. Mean it, do it, follow through with it. Be prepared to actually kick him out because most likely that's what it will actually take for him to finally wake up and realize that he can't be like this and take real action. For as long as you just whine to him but then put up with it, he won't take you seriously and therefore nothing will change. You, OP, need to get angry for real. What you describe is beyond words disgusting and unacceptable. Your children are growing up watching this insanity thinking this is normal and acceptable behavior - think on that.......

He has become complacent, lazy and thinks you will never leave him.

Time to set him straight on how you feel and what you will and will not tolerate any longer. Be careful of ultimatums though. If you draw a line in the sand he will reach it because you made him do it, not because he has seen the error of his ways and wants to do the right thing.

Be clear and forceful while you express how you feel about how far down he has allowed himself to go. Make sure he understands that you don't see any way the marriage will survive if his attitude, hygiene, physical appearance and habits don't improve drastically. Lay it at his feet and see what he does. He will show you how serious he is about fixing this and if he doesn't make any effort then he has basically made the choice for you hasn't he?

Many times men complain that they had no idea how serious it was or that their wife really felt that way when faced with divorce and then they pull out all the stops trying to fix it. By then it is to late and the wife has given up. Make sure he understands how serious this is and that you are just not nagging.

In the mean time get to work on yourself. If you need to loose some weight, by some new clothes, smell nice and reconnect with old friends. Your life need not be put on hold just because he is a slob and when he sees you making changes it will probably scare the crap out of him.

Lost

Lost you point a very typical challenge in relationships. A woman can talk and tell the man she is serious until she is blue in the face. However, until she actually takes action to boot him out, he simply won't take her seriously and only once she does kick him out does he finally wake up, goes crazy trying to fix things, but it's too little too late because by the time the woman takes action, she is actually completely burned out and done and checked out. That's why I suggest that OP take action now, read the riot act, pour the alcohol down the drain in his face, actually lose it on him in full force, give him deadlines and start acting and separating things out now as if she is indeed planning to end things. Do it before she gets to the point of no return so that if her actions jolt him enough to take her seriously, there is still something left to salvage. If even that doesn't jolt him out of this....well....it was a lost cause and the sooner she and her kids get him out of their lives the better.

Ahhh. . unconditional love. . NOT

Unconditional love is reserved for new born babies.

This guy can't neglect himself and tell you that's what you signed up for.

Well. . he can tell you anything he wants, but you don't have to buy into it.

You need to tell him that it effects how you feel about him and how you feel about being married to him as a whole.

Surely someone at work noticed his stench?

Have you instead of fought him to socialize, had a heart to heart?

I would attend al-anon for yourself and i'd flush all the booze.

Being raised by two functioning alcoholics I can tell you getting rid of the booze is only a very short term solution if at all. If he poured it out that would be one thing...

I am not sure he is an alcoholic by her description but drinking beer everyday after work is a problem, especially why he drinks. I see him hitting rock bottom (he is close right now) and the OP giving up.

It will probably come down to "to little to late" and it may have already gone that far.

OP are you looking for permission to end the marriage? If you are that is totally up to you and if you have been factual and this has been going on that long with no hope you certainly are running out of options.

Lost