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(F25)(M22) Need Advice: Scared boyfriend cant wait till we can close distance


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In interest of keeping this sort because I would really like advice versus just ranting this out, here are the primary details:

 

We have been struggling with the distance more and more lately, as we have grown more frustrated with technology problems, the time difference issues, managing our busy schedules, and problems feeling intimate. He has had a harder time with this in general and has voiced how hard it is on him.

 

We have made tentative plans to close the distance in September, but I fear that he will not be able to deal with the distance until then. I fear that he will break down and that the distance will be too much for him.

 

How can I help make the distance easier on him? I am thinking that more reassurance that I will move closer will help since up till now our plans have been rather vague. Thoughts? Thank you!

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Unfortunately LDRs are very frustrating, especially with only one or 2 meets in a few months.

01-10-2018:We have been dating for 3 months, have been talking for around 7 months total. We have met in person, and got along very well. We're planning another visit soon, and hopefully that will help things.
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We have been together about 6 months now.

 

Been long distance the whole time.

 

Have had 2 visits so far and I am going to go see him for our 3rd visit next week.

 

Give up to move:

I would have to leave my job to move out there, but I am not satisfied where I am working and would be looking for something new either way. I would have to finish out my lease (which ends in Sept. thus the choice in date).

The hardest thing that I would have to give up is proximity to my family. I live in Colorado and am a native here. I would be moving to New York. The idea of living in a different state is both scary and exciting to me, more exciting though. But I am an only child and am close with my parents who live in Colorado, as well as my grandparents who live here too.

I am a list maker and a planner lol so what I would have to "do" to move out there seems like a lot but I know I would be organized and figure it all out to make the move happen successfully.

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We have been together about 6 months now.

 

Been long distance the whole time.

 

Have had 2 visits so far and I am going to go see him for our 3rd visit next week.

 

Give up to move:

I would have to leave my job to move out there, but I am not satisfied where I am working and would be looking for something new either way. I would have to finish out my lease (which ends in Sept. thus the choice in date).

The hardest thing that I would have to give up is proximity to my family. I live in Colorado and am a native here. I would be moving to New York. The idea of living in a different state is both scary and exciting to me, more exciting though. But I am an only child and am close with my parents who live in Colorado, as well as my grandparents who live here too.

I am a list maker and a planner lol so what I would have to "do" to move out there seems like a lot but I know I would be organized and figure it all out to make the move happen successfully.

 

You've been together for six months and have met twice. I think starting a long distance relationship wasn't a great choice. Moving across the country for someone you haven't really spent time with is a BIG leap of faith. You would be changing your life for someone you don't really know yet. Talking on the phone or skype or however you stay in contact isn't the same thing as really seeing someone day to day. It's easy to hide less awesome parts of yourself. It's easy not to see how someone acts under stress and pressure. Be careful with your heart and your life... you have no idea if you are actually compatible.

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If you were together 2 years before the long distance, then i would advise differently. You just met this guy. Long distance relationships move at a slower pace. i wouldn't move across timezones to be with someone i only met twice. Can you date someone who you can have a real relationship with?

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You've been together for six months and have met twice. I think starting a long distance relationship wasn't a great choice. Moving across the country for someone you haven't really spent time with is a BIG leap of faith. You would be changing your life for someone you don't really know yet. Talking on the phone or skype or however you stay in contact isn't the same thing as really seeing someone day to day. It's easy to hide less awesome parts of yourself. It's easy not to see how someone acts under stress and pressure. Be careful with your heart and your life... you have no idea if you are actually compatible.

 

By the move date we will have met 5 times. But yeah... in hindsight starting the relationship probably was not the best idea, we just connected so well that it turned into a relationship.

I agree that it is not the same thing as seeing a person day to day. I do worry that I will not have the same connection with him once we live in the same state. But we are not planning to jump into living together right off the bat, I would get my own place. I guess the thing that keeps my mind set on it is I do want to change jobs. I have been thinking a lot about moving out of the city I live in and I do want some distance from my family (preferably not that much distance.. but yeah). Thank you for the advice and the thoughts... I will be as careful as possible.

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If you were together 2 years before the long distance, then i would advise differently. You just met this guy. Long distance relationships move at a slower pace. i wouldn't move across timezones to be with someone i only met twice. Can you date someone who you can have a real relationship with?

 

If we had been together in person before the LDR, or if we had even known each other IRL prior I think everything with it would be different.

I could date someone local but I just had not met anyone. I was on a dating app which is how I 'met' my current bf (he was in CO. traveling). I guess I just do not want to write off this amazing guy who I have a ton in common with... who I enjoy talking to so much.. just because of the distance you know?

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Unfortunately , these are not good reasons to pursue a LDR. It would be best to move to an area you like to a job you like at whatever distance you want and then start establishing yourself and dating locally. He can't be your security blanket for a transition you want to make for job/family reasons.

I guess the thing that keeps my mind set on it is I do want to change jobs. I have been thinking a lot about moving out of the city I live in and I do want some distance from my family.
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In interest of keeping this sort because I would really like advice versus just ranting this out, here are the primary details:

 

We have been struggling with the distance more and more lately, as we have grown more frustrated with technology problems, the time difference issues, managing our busy schedules, and problems feeling intimate. He has had a harder time with this in general and has voiced how hard it is on him.

 

We have made tentative plans to close the distance in September, but I fear that he will not be able to deal with the distance until then. I fear that he will break down and that the distance will be too much for him.

 

How can I help make the distance easier on him? I am thinking that more reassurance that I will move closer will help since up till now our plans have been rather vague. Thoughts? Thank you!

 

 

He's getting needy, wont be too long till you dump him if he continues like this.

 

Its not going to work until he weeds out that neediness, if you do move there there will be other problems. We cant have our 'feel good,' factor in life deoendant on whether a person is around or not. It indicates that there is something wrong with the relationship with ourselves.

 

Fearing that he will breakdown is basically saying that you fear he is weak. Sounds like you can take it more than he can, which means that your starting to wear the proverbial trousers.

 

I would say the only reason you haven't gone there is because of his display of weakness. Colorado to NY is not that far at all and in my experience no distance is too great for a woman in love.

 

 

Some harsh and direct advice here, but I've been in this mans shoes and know where it leads.

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I am not sure taking a huge step like this is wise, even if you live in your own place when you move. You two still don't know each other very well.

 

What will be your contingency plan if you move and then realize you're actually not compatible and break up? Or if you start planning to move and you break up before September arrives? Yes, things can certainly work out sometimes. But given the short length of the relationship and limited time you've actually spent together, you need to be thinking very carefully about the worst-case scenarios since you don't have much foundation to go on. Would you still feel confident that you made a good choice for yourself and your career, even if the relationship doesn't work out?

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I am not sure taking a huge step like this is wise, even if you live in your own place when you move. You two still don't know each other very well.

 

What will be your contingency plan if you move and then realize you're actually not compatible and break up? Or if you start planning to move and you break up before September arrives? Yes, things can certainly work out sometimes. But given the short length of the relationship and limited time you've actually spent together, you need to be thinking very carefully about the worst-case scenarios since you don't have much foundation to go on. Would you still feel confident that you made a good choice for yourself and your career, even if the relationship doesn't work out?

 

I am also wondering because she is 25 and he is 22, he is in the college mind set and she is more ready to find a guy and settle down/enter a long term relationship and she is trying to make this one by doing all the heavy lifting. If the guy isn't taking some of the lead (and being clingy and whiny about not seeing you is not taking any lead), i don't think moving all that way is worth it

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I am also wondering because she is 25 and he is 22, he is in the college mind set and she is more ready to find a guy and settle down/enter a long term relationship and she is trying to make this one by doing all the heavy lifting. If the guy isn't taking some of the lead (and being clingy and whiny about not seeing you is not taking any lead), i don't think moving all that way is worth it

 

That could also be true.

 

He is still very young, OP. There aren't many years between you, true, but you are likely to be more ready for a long-term commitment than he is at your respective ages.

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