Anyone put their standards up after a breakup?

Long story short. Me and my ex ended Sunday after a long battle with each other (Together 5 months but were good friends before we were together) he had a troubled family life and underlying mental issues I think. And me? Well I've accepted I go for men who tend to have issues or are passive aggressive and struggle with their anger. I've decided I'm putting my standards up again until I find someone whose on my level. Does anyone feel like they will never find a good looking man with a compatible personality to you? I seem to attract all the wrong attention and I don't know why! I'm also struggling after this breakup, I'm very numb but then I get a feeling of sadness coming and going.

Raise your standards. First sign you see of internal issues, leave. Follow your gut feelings.

I'm finding myself unable to connect after eight months because that physical connection and our personalities instantly clicking is so very rare to come by. It didn't even need work, it just "was".

To answer your question, yes I feel that way! I gave up pretty much and decided to just let it happen. I met the ex when I wasn't looking. I am seeking fwb but even that is a challenge because I'm so very picky. People tell me now I'm really looking for a relationship with all my demands lol. I'm not. But at the same time I'm not gonna have sex with someone who has characteristics I don't like right? I mean come on people!

I learned the first sign of a temper I detect, I'm out. I cannot deal with men who can't keep themselves in check. Too much bragging, red flag too. All that glitters is not gold.

You have to take this time to look withinn yourself and identify what may be leading you to choose these types of guys so you can avoid it in the future. Your break up is very recent. You'll go through the emotions and then feel better. Hopefully you come out stronger and with more understanding of what you want, and will make better choices.

Good Looking is subjective. Why don't you try finding a "good" man instead, one that is reliable as in he does what he says, has a job, is emotionally healthy, is into you, is respectful of you and others, and has a personality you like. If all those things fall into place, you will find him "good looking". And, you can always drag a guy to the gym and get him to eat healthy so he can be up to the shape standards you want.. They'll like that if you do it in a positive and motivational way... "baby you have a naturally great build, I would love to see you cut up - lets start going to the gym". You have a great opportunity to get what you want this time around.. Don't waste it!

Good Luck.

Good Looking is subjective. Why don't you try finding a "good" man instead, one that is reliable as in he does what he says, has a job, is emotionally healthy, is into you, is respectful of you and others, and has a personality you like. If all those things fall into place, you will find him "good looking". And, you can always drag a guy to the gym and get him to eat healthy so he can be up to the shape standards you want.. They'll like that if you do it in a positive and motivational way... "baby you have a naturally great build, I would love to see you cut up - lets start going to the gym". You have a great opportunity to get what you want this time around.. Don't waste it!

 

Good Luck.

haha sorry but this always makes me laugh. You cannot force people to like someone. The physical attraction *has* to be there. For some more than others, for women maybe less than men, but still.

Thanks for your replies @Al5 @GoodGumbo and @SweetGilr28

I’m not necessarily looking for anyone amazingly hot but I’ve always gone for guys who aren’t all that but their personality’s attracts me.. until I get to know them lol. I’d say I’m a kinda attractive female? Don’t want to sound big beaded but I’ve had enough of dating guys who treat me like ! And realise months later what they had was ing good! I just want to attract a nice man who doesn’t constantly control what I do or make me feel bad for the littlest things. I need someone easy going but it seems impossible to find. I definitely feel like I’ll neber meet anyone again, especially as I loved my ex a lot and it took me a good few months to finally get into a relationship with him after he grafted long and hard to get me. But he turned out to be slightly crazy anyway.

haha sorry but this always makes me laugh. You cannot force people to like someone. The physical attraction *has* to be there. For some more than others, for women maybe less than men, but still.

I agree with this. If they can't turn you on, it ain't happening!

I agree with this. If they can't turn you on, it ain't happening!

Building a relationship based on looks and attraction is a recipe for a failed relationship but I guess we are all here for a reason. The older you get the more your looks fade and you will be competing with younger girls and younger men, I hope you are judged kindly by these good looking men and women.

I meant to quote both post from AL5 and sweetgirl but only sweetgirls came through.

Thanks for your replies @Al5 @GoodGumbo and @SweetGilr28

I’m not necessarily looking for anyone amazingly hot but I’ve always gone for guys who aren’t all that but their personality’s attracts me.. until I get to know them lol. I’d say I’m a kinda attractive female? Don’t want to sound big beaded but I’ve had enough of dating guys who treat me like ! And realise months later what they had was ing good! I just want to attract a nice man who doesn’t constantly control what I do or make me feel bad for the littlest things. I need someone easy going but it seems impossible to find. I definitely feel like I’ll neber meet anyone again, especially as I loved my ex a lot and it took me a good few months to finally get into a relationship with him after he grafted long and hard to get me. But he turned out to be slightly crazy anyway.

The thing is, the guys that get in your face are likely the more confident guys. They are prepared to pursue and woo, and are the ones that attract you.

The type you say you want, are not impossible to find, they are likley all around you. That guy sitting on your left is probably like that. BUT, they may not be so confident, so they don't approach or get in your face. So, in turn, they likely don't seem as attractive to you. Have you tried approaching guys that may be closer to what you are looking for?

Building a relationship based on looks and attraction is a recipe for a failed relationship but I guess we are all here for a reason. The older you get the more your looks fade and you will be competing with younger girls and younger men, I hope you are judged kindly by these good looking men and women.

 

I meant to quote both post from AL5 and sweetgirl but only sweetgirls came through.

I agree, looks will attract someone initially but they can become very unattractive when you get to know them.

We all have our own views on what's considered attractive. I know I dated an ex who I thought was cute but I wasn't blown away by him. His personality attracted me the most. Until I found out that actually sucked lol.

I'm just saying if you don't feel somewhat physically attracted it's hard to get physical I have a very high drive so I need to when I look at them feel like I want them. My first love all these years later he's drastically changed. He was hot and now he's older, put on weight, bald, but still I find him attractive because I know him emotionally and we are very good friends still. He's a beautiful soul inside and out to me. Always will be.

I never go for really hot guys by typical standards because honestly I view them as players and upon talking with them, I've been right. My guys are cute in the face, fit, nice eyes. Not super models by any means. And it's really the personality that keeps me, not that I think they are cute. That just initially attracts me. I'm finding at my age that guys my age and older are going for the young girls, 22-25. And I like older men. So I am in the competition area with a shrinking dating pool but honestly I don't even want a man who wants a female that young. I look a lot younger than I am. I get judged a lot. They may be initially attracted to me but then I get the trust issues that creep up with them falsely accusing me of cheating because I get attention unprovoked. I don't even want it. So I'd give anything to be attracted to the super nice kind man who is everything and maybe not so physically attractive, I'm just not even sure how to force that. And no I don't meet guys that are cute and great long term lol. So I lose either way it seems. I suppose as my sex drive decreases and I get realllllllllly tired of doing this, which I am, that I will change my point of view. It's just that I don't need a man, I want one. So I'm picky. Too picky. I identify that's an issue. And I need to change that.

The thing is, the guys that get in your face are likely the more confident guys. They are prepared to pursue and woo, and are the ones that attract you.

 

The type you say you want, are not impossible to find, they are likley all around you. That guy sitting on your left is probably like that. BUT, they may not be so confident, so they don't approach or get in your face. So, in turn, they likely don't seem as attractive to you. Have you tried approaching guys that may be closer to what you are looking for?

This is so true. I've had guys I've liked afraid to approach me they were shy couldn't tell me , afraid they'd be turned down. And I would not have turned them down. Find out long after when it's too late. I find shy less confident guys more attractive than loud, overly confident ones. Unfortunately the confident ones are fast to approach and I end up in messes because of the intense hot pursuit.

I think this is good advice, try approaching them . Even shy guys can throw out a signal that lets you know they might have an interest.

Thanks for your replies @Al5 @GoodGumbo and @SweetGilr28

I’m not necessarily looking for anyone amazingly hot but I’ve always gone for guys who aren’t all that but their personality’s attracts me.. until I get to know them lol. I’d say I’m a kinda attractive female? Don’t want to sound big beaded but I’ve had enough of dating guys who treat me like ! And realise months later what they had was ing good! I just want to attract a nice man who doesn’t constantly control what I do or make me feel bad for the littlest things. I need someone easy going but it seems impossible to find. I definitely feel like I’ll neber meet anyone again, especially as I loved my ex a lot and it took me a good few months to finally get into a relationship with him after he grafted long and hard to get me. But he turned out to be slightly crazy anyway.

You'll meet someone else that will be a better fit. Just keep your eyes wide open and follow your gut.

We all want nice men. And easy on the eyes doesn't hurt. I find the best things happen when you're not looking for it.

It can't be forced.

I completely agree. When I first met my ex on a double date (was supporting my friend and he came with his friend) and I didn't find him attractive AT ALL. I actually thought he was super ugly, but as I got to know him (we all continued to meet up because they were good company) I got to know him and he was quite mysterious but had good banter, knew how to be a gentlemen and wooed me basically. But as I now know him, he's not that kind of guy at all he's very controlling and possessive. So even the 'unattractive' types can be complete wasters. I do have to find them good looking but I'm so picky as it is so when I finally fall for someone I want to be with them because it's SO hard for me to fall for people. HONESTLY! it took him 3 months to graft, in that time I had cut contact with him because i knew he liked me and I didn't know if i liked him or not so the day before he travelled to Thailand for a month I told him I wasn't interested. but he continued to contact me and I think because he was showing keen interest it made me like him more and more. I try to be open minded with men, but it seems I never attract super nice guys and when I do I'm either not attracted to them or its just not for me. Who knows! I need to be single and enjoy my youth whilst I can. But it would be nice to FINALLY be with someone who treats me nicely, doesn't get angry if I go out on weekends, if I have guy mates etc.

I agree with this. If they can't turn you on, it ain't happening!

Amen! But will say what "turns us on" is subjective.

Some need only a hot face and bod to turn them on (which is fine) and others (like me) need more -- the mental, emotional *and* physical.

And dare I say as time goes on, even spiritual (not to be confused with "religious" which is different and don't need).

Talk about having high standards! lol But anything less than that just doesn't "do it" for me.

OP, you say the men you date treat you like ****.

Well no disrespect but whose fault is that?

*You* are the one allowing them to treat you like ****, so own that and moving forward DON'T allow it!

First sign of treating you like ****, you're out.

I've said this so many times but the early stage (first few months) is the time to determine whether or not a man is right "for you."

Treating you like ****? Not acceptable, so don't stick around no matter how hot he is.

To me, "that" is raising your standards --> not accepting less than what you think you deserve based on the type of person you are, how you treat people and what *you* bring to the table.

Not going to comment on hot or even attractive, because one person's hot is another person's yuck.

What I am getting from your posts is that you tend to go for guys who will chase you hard. Chasing hard is manipulative. So when a guy chases you really hard, he is manipulating you into being with him. If he can manipulate you like that, so can others, so it follows that he is going to get controlling and possessive and jealous and so on. He is always going to be haunted by the idea that what he did with you, other men can too.

The kind of guy you want is much more straightforward. He will express interest, he will arrange dates if you are interested in going. However, he won't chase you, try to convince you to date him AND will expect you to reciprocate and also start arranging some dates and showing interest in him as well. In other words, he is looking for a partner who chooses to be with him of her own free will and choice, not someone he had to manipulate into dating him. What you mention about being confused, even going so far as to cut contact - a healthy decent guy would have been long gone with that kind of behavior from you. It wouldn't compel him to chase, it would compel to seek someone else.

So, before you can even hope to attract a good man, you need to check your own behavior and be clear on what you actually want. If you come across as messed up, confused, etc - you will keep attracting unhealthy to you.

Have you considered therapy for your attraction to drama and dysfunction?

My ex broke down a lot of personal barriers for me and allowed me to open up. But after leaving for no reason randomly and taking all the memories with him- my walls and barriers are what are raised very high once again.

Long story short. Me and my ex ended Sunday after a long battle with each other (Together 5 months but were good friends before we were together) he had a troubled family life and underlying mental issues I think. And me? Well I've accepted I go for men who tend to have issues or are passive aggressive and struggle with their anger. I've decided I'm putting my standards up again until I find someone whose on my level. Does anyone feel like they will never find a good looking man with a compatible personality to you? I seem to attract all the wrong attention and I don't know why! I'm also struggling after this breakup, I'm very numb but then I get a feeling of sadness coming and going.

The problem isn't attracting the wrong people--we all do that. The problem is allowing them to stay.

Think of dating as screening, and allow wrong matches to pass early. That will be the majority, because most people are NOT our match.

If finding love were easy, there would be nothing special about it. Settling for lousy matches just to avoid holding out makes no sense because it won't move you any closer to a goal. It only tricks you into believing that there must be something wrong with you instead of recognizing that your unique value can only be seen and appreciated by someone who can view you through the right lens.

Hold out for that person. Meanwhile, BECOME that person, and do whatever it takes to learn how to recognize your own value.

Head high, you'll thank yourself later.

Unfortunately, you are the common denominator. You've correctly identified your passion for fixer-uppers. This generally means that you want to control the relationship and play the martyr. Only insight through therapy can help you with this, not changing out men.

I've accepted I go for men who tend to have issues or are passive aggressive and struggle with their anger. I seem to attract all the wrong attention and I don't know why!

Long story short. Me and my ex ended Sunday after a long battle with each other (Together 5 months but were good friends before we were together) he had a troubled family life and underlying mental issues I think. And me? Well I've accepted I go for men who tend to have issues or are passive aggressive and struggle with their anger. I've decided I'm putting my standards up again until I find someone whose on my level. Does anyone feel like they will never find a good looking man with a compatible personality to you? I seem to attract all the wrong attention and I don't know why! I'm also struggling after this breakup, I'm very numb but then I get a feeling of sadness coming and going.

It's not that they're attracted to you; it's that you're attracted to them. Probably a lot of non-angry, non-passive aggressive men are attracted to you. But you don't go for them. Why?

Time to examine and question some of your beliefs. Maybe you believe that all good-looking men are angry and passive-aggressive, or even that all men are angry and passive aggressive?