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Anyone Have a Parent Who Abandoned the Kids Return for a Graduation?


HeWhoIs

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I haven’t seen or spoken to my ex-wife since she left 4 years ago in a rage; she gave me 3 hours notice, and ordered me to talk only to her lawyer when she left.

 

Our two kids found out from their aunt that their mother was leaving, moving 4 hours to live with her mother, brother and sister, and never coming back.

 

Their mother has had extremely limited contact with the kids since she left, who were ages 18 and 20 at the time. She hasn’t visited them and calls them once a year on their birthdays. They are allowed to call her, but rarely do, and to visit her, but have done so for 2-3 days a time about twice a year. They didn’t see her at all for the first 8 months after she left.

 

My 20-year-old son, who has a severe learning disability, had just flunked out of a difficult college, and was about to start commuting 45 minutes to a local college. My daughter was about to start college in 2 weeks. Three weeks before her mother left, she had broken down and told us how she was feeling guilty because she had been playing elsewhere when her younger sister died; she felt that if had been with her sister, she could have saved her. Moments before that, our son had told us about something equally traumatic that had been one of the things that led up to him flunking out of college.

 

Since their mother left, I’ve been the solo parent, and it hasn’t been easy. I’ve paid for everything; their mother hasn’t worked at all. Here’s a sampling:

 

- My son had so many car accidents and tickets that they canceled our car insurance. I made him stop driving for a while and take driving lessons. One day, both kids had car accidents in different places.

 

- I found too many bottles around the house, and wondered if my son had a drinking problem. I monitored him carefully, and decided he didn't have one, but that was a big concern.

 

- I had to talk to the Dean and make an emergency visit to my daughter’s college after my daughter was transported to the hospital for alcoholic poisoning – it was her 3rd alcohol offense. I went back and forth with the Dean, who spoke to all my daughter’s professors to make sure that she was stable. After the visit, I was able to determine that she was doing normal college drinking.

 

- Getting my son his ADHD meds, getting him to go to physician and psychiatrist appointments that he forgot to go to

 

- Working with the college administrators to bail my son out when he got sick, didn’t go to class, didn’t tell his professors why, and almost flunked out. I also took him to repeated physician appointments for evaluation and treatment during the end of that school year and all summer.

 

- Driving my daughter to drop her off at school and to a distant airport before she left for her semester overseas. Visiting her, and watching her in her sport when I could (time has been precious).

 

- When my daughter was moping at Christmas, my son eventually told me that he was enraged at their mother and that his sister was upset because her friends were complaining that their mothers were calling too much and her mother never called at all. I had to try to tell her why.

 

- Both kids have wondered why their mother has acted as she did. My son felt that she was furious at him, because of complaints she had made to his girlfriend's mother about his learning disability.

 

- The list is much longer, and I had to institute a lot of discipline on my own, with no one to back me up in many other instances. But you get the idea.

 

My ex-wife knows nothing about any of the problems I've dealt with. They know only what she has told them.

 

Now, my daughter has told me that she has invited her mother to her graduation, and that her mother is planning to come.

 

I’ve heard that it is good for the kids to have a relationship with both parents, that I am supposed to call a truce and make nice, but I feel that I've gotten the crappy end of the stick, gotten creamed financially (I’ve had very little time to myself, and I’m broke) and that her mother doesn’t deserve to be at their graduation. I’d like to explode at their mother when she reappears, and am trying to figure out how to handle this.

 

Anyone been down a similar road?

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I can totally understand where you are coming from. I have been a lone parent for 12 years and my ex hasn't seen the kids for 10 years. He lives 5 mins from where we do and they haven't heard a thing from him in that time. I have the same home and mobile telephone number and live in the same place so he could be in touch with them if he wanted to but he hasn't.

 

I also have no time for myself and an broke! I'm not going to list the issues I have had to deal with over the years cause it would just be too long! So I really do understand. And I totally agree that your ex does not deserve the right to attend the graduation. However, your daughter's graduation is not the time or place to have it out with your ex. You need to be cool, calm and collected and know that even if your ex attends the event it is for your daughter's sake and not your ex's. Your ex will disappear again and you will be left to pick up the pieces again.

 

That I afraid is the role of a lone parent. But you also get all the joy and eventually all the respect and gratitude from your kids who know you will always have their back.

 

Good Luck.

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Boy, this seems to have gotten a lot of responses fast. I've obviously hit a tender spot, as I see some of you felt really clobbered by parents who didn't show up. When I graduated from college, I was more concerned with leaving college, not seeing my friends any more and not being able to do stupid things any more than with being with my parents (who were married and attended).

 

No, I'm not planning to make a scene (I'd love to blows my stack at her, but I know I have to watch it), although I do really want to limit interaction with her and not discuss my kids (I no longer feel like they're her kids) with her. I also don't want to squeal on them and tell her all the things that they did and I had to cope with that she missed while she's been in exile.

 

Anyone else who cares to tell me what they've experienced or comment, please do, because this is going to be tough, with most likely, two graduations in the same month.

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Well,of course I was interested in graduating and going to get married. But I would have liked my dad to be there. Most people don’t hate their parents no matter what they’ve done . You may hate your ex but in their hearts your kids don’t . People always yearned for their parents to love them and be proud of them .

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Thanks. I've been trying to get them to go to counseling for years. In the last 6 years, they have had to deal with their sister dying, a flood/hurricane a month later, [something else that my my son experienced - innocent bystander -that I can't mention], their neighbor burning to death and my daughter wondering whether it was me (I was on the scene, trying to save her) and their mother suddenly leaving. Sometimes I wonder how they're still standing. My daughter's way of coping with all of this has been to keep herself so busy that she can't think about what she's seen (especially her dead sister). Every time I've talked to any of the Deans or administrators, they've recommended counseling. But I can't get them to go to counseling.

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It sounds like counseling is something much needed all around - what little you've told us about their experiences is a pretty hefty dose of trauma in and of itself. I hope that both kids realize that they don't have to deal with it all on their own and get some help at some point, if you aren't able to convince them to.

 

That aside, I agree with what most everyone else said: set your feelings aside and don't cause a scene or drama if her mom shows (and don't badmouth her if she doesn't - just console your daughter if she's disappointed.)

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I was raised by a single mother. It was difficult. She was the sole parent and the sole bread winner, since our father didn't make any attempt to see us and he didn't pay any child support. She had no time to herself, and she made crap money for a long time because she was a woman (this was the 80s and 90s). My sister and I acted out. We were both arrested. I was actually arrested multiple times. I got kicked out of school for being a threat to other people. I drank and took drugs.

 

The majority of my friends were raised by single mothers, as well. Most of my friends’ fathers were completely absent from their lives. In fact, I can only remember one friend who visited his father regularly. That was a very unusual situation. His father lived a couple of blocks away from his mother and my friend and his sisters spent their time going freely between the two houses. The parents hated each other, too. But they were both committed to their kids.

 

Most of us wrote our fathers off. Deadbeat dads were so common, and they left so early in our lives that it was easy. A lot of my friends behaved worse than I did. They were in and out of the guidance counselor's office at school, put in special programs for at-risk kids, sometimes they were "put away" in hospitals. Some of them attempted suicide. One of my friends succeeded, sadly. We all cut ourselves and burned ourselves in various ways. Eventually, most people just started getting tattoos instead lol.

 

Everybody's circumstances were slightly different, but it was the same general problem of having a single overtaxed parent trying to keep her kids alive and fed, trying to keep herself together in the process. Two of my girlfriends’ fathers married other women and raised completely separate families. My friends were not invited to be part of these families. When we were kids, they felt hurt. But as adults, they have more of a “whatever” attitude about it.

 

One of my best friend’s fathers suddenly showed up in her life after she was married. This made her hate him. Growing up, she hardly bothered to think about him. But she didn’t appreciate this sudden interest in her life after his legal parental responsibility was gone! I understand; it’s hard to respect such a coward. But he was a good cook, so she occasionally allowed him over to cook dinner for her family (and me—man is he a good cook!!). Now she’s moved out of state and is probably relieved to be free of him once and for all.

 

A number of my friends developed close relationships with their stepfathers (or their mom’s long-term boyfriend) in lieu of their fathers. I have two friends who have very close-knit step-family structures resulting from their moms having more than one divorce. But apparently these moms selected good men because the ex step dads are still around. I think it’s really cool the way that they manage to get along despite divorce. I really admire them.

 

In a less-than-happy step-parent situation, one of my friend’s stepfathers disappeared from her life after her mother died. This happened when she was an adult, so she wasn’t orphaned or anything. But she was still hurt by it, especially since her daughter grew up thinking of him as her grandfather.

 

I have one friend who was raised by his dad. When he was about to graduate from college, his mom suddenly showed up and offered to buy him a car as a graduation present. I accompanied him on the car-hunt. He had a pretty philosophical attitude about it. Like most of us who were raised by a single parent, I think he stopped expecting much from her and was just happy that she made an appearance…and happy to get a new car!

 

When I was growing up, I was careful not to foster hatred or resentment towards my father. I protected my conscience that way. My sister carefully nursed her resentments, with the encouragement of our mother. My mom always said that she would never say anything negative about our father, or encourage us to dislike him, but she absolutely did. She was just fooling herself. When our father died, I felt peace and my sister had to deal with a lot of guilt for years after.

 

For this reason, I think it would be unfair for you to impose your own feelings about your ex-wife on your children. It only serves a selfish gratification. Your children have already suffered from the absence of their mother from their life. It’s unnecessary to make them feel worse about it.

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Did you and your ex lose your youngest child or did your ex lose her sister years ago?

Sometimes the death of the child can drive a deep wedge in a married couple.

I have seen it happen first hand.

Are you sure that your ex just simply left for no reason? if your kids are alcoholics - are you also?

Did your marriage break down after your youngest died??

 

My ex-wife knows nothing about any of the problems I've dealt with. They know only what she has told them.

 

Now, my daughter has told me that she has invited her mother to her graduation, and that her mother is planning to come.

 

I’ve heard that it is good for the kids to have a relationship with both parents, that I am supposed to call a truce and make nice, but I feel that I've gotten the crappy end of the stick, gotten creamed financially (I’ve had very little time to myself, and I’m broke) and that her mother doesn’t deserve to be at their graduation. I’d like to explode at their mother when she reappears, and am trying to figure out how to handle this.

 

Anyone been down a similar road?

 

SUPPORT your daughter.

 

The reason why she left was between you and her, not your daughter (btw, if your son has a drinking problem - do you?" is that why she left). I think its great that she is inviting mom to the graduation.

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if your kids are alcoholics - are you also?

 

Good question. Something seemed strange to me about this sentence:

 

I found too many bottles around the house, and wondered if my son had a drinking problem. I monitored him carefully, and decided he didn't have one, but that was a big concern.

 

If I saw one bottle around here, I'd notice. I wouldn't need to carefully monitor. It's not that we don't drink; we just don't drink to the point where there are bottles around and where monitoring would require careful effort.

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OK, thanks for some of the comments, but we're getting little off the topic here.

 

Please don't read things into my comments that aren't there or even implied. I almost never drink - perhaps 6 or 12 beers a year. My kids aren't alcoholics, but I was concerned about it for a while, spent a significant amount of time looking into it and after careful monitoring, decided that they weren't. (I'm actually pleased that they haven't turned to drugs, alcohol, gotten pregnant or gotten someone pregnant despite what they've been through.)

 

My daughter has been very happy with her college, a top 20 school, and did thank me for telling her she should apply, coming up with a complex system that helped her get in and be able to go to it for $12K per year, instead of $65K per year, and she is in the top 15% of her class there. I am concerned that she's made herself so busy between schoolwork and activities to avoid facing what she's experienced, and that by not facing it, it may overwhelm her and she could have a mental blowout some day if she comes up for air and it does sink in, but her coping style has worked, even if it is not what the professionals recommend (Van der Kolk reports that he has seen this many times).

 

With my son's ADHD and learning disability, it'll be an achievement if he does graduate (and it's touch and go right now on him passing all of them - I've been working with his ADHD coach closely for four years to keep him on track). His mother made it clear to him that she was furious at him when he flunked out of his previous college just before he left. I figured he was in over his head, and found a program that fit him better at an easier local college. If he passes all his courses this semester, he'll graduate.

 

My ex-wife and I lost our 13-year-old daughter 6 years ago in an accident. My wife claimed it was murder (???), exploded at me as I put together the funeral, dealt with her priest, the police, fire department and coroner (all accidental deaths are thoroughly investigated), the stone cutter, probate court, etc., none of which is fun to do when your daughter has died, and she kept yelling at me until I was hesitant to mention our deceased daughter's name, kept telling me that she was my least favorite child and how horrible a father I had been to her (proving it with examples about how I once didn't say hello to her). We also had a flood a month after our daughter died, got yelled at for making flood repairs (which took me two years and she refused to help with) and I got yelled at for talking to and working with the FEMA people while our town was torn up, were trapped and we lived in a Federal Disaster Area.

 

Counseling is not a new suggestion, and it's not something that I'm unaware of. My kids went briefly after their sister died, and stopped. I think they should continue, and try some of the techniques that Van der Kolk outlines for trauma victims, but they won't.

 

There's much more that has gone on (my son told me that if he tells someone his entire story, they think he's just looking for sympathy), but that's not the question.

 

The question comes down to my feeling that I've shouldered the responsibility for a long time, and been a complete single father for four years, don't feel that my wife has treated me or my kids fairly, and doesn't belong at the graduation. I've been told that is not the best thing to do, but I will have to hold back hard if I'm in her presence. It's simply hard to deal with after all of this.

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The point everyone is trying to make is that it's not about you. You're talking about your feelings, etc. Your feelings are absolutely fine and valid. I don't think anyone would say they aren't. However, your daughter's graduation isn't about you, your feelings, or the wrongs you feel you've (and your children) been dealt by your ex wife. It's about your daughter and what she wants. She wants her mom at her graduation, therefore, her mom should be at her graduation...and her dad should be able to spend the hour or so being civil for his daughter's benefit.

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The point everyone is trying to make is that it's not about you. You're talking about your feelings, etc. Your feelings are absolutely fine and valid. I don't think anyone would say they aren't. However, your daughter's graduation isn't about you, your feelings, or the wrongs you feel you've (and your children) been dealt by your ex wife. It's about your daughter and what she wants. She wants her mom at her graduation, therefore, her mom should be at her graduation...and her dad should be able to spend the hour or so being civil for his daughter's benefit.

 

Exactly ,your daughter’s graduation is about her and her only . I think your reasons for being angry are valid but that’s not the time to display them . The reason my father ditched my graduation without even telling me is because he wanted to sit with my mother but my mother was sitting with her new fiancé and didn’t want to sit with him. ( so my dad made me wait outside of my own commencement ceremony until the very last second when they herded me inside so I could receive my degree I stood outside waiting and crying because he never showed up when he promised me he would . ) so my father made my graduation all about him and his feelings.

 

It made me feel pretty unloved . And further estranged our relationship . 25 years later it’s no longer a huge issue but it was just one more nail in the coffin .

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...and her dad should be able to spend the hour or so being civil for his daughter's benefit.

 

 

I wish this was only an hour or so, but this is an entire weekend full of events: family brunch, family dinner, farewell meeting with her department faculty, events for her clubs (which would be small), in addition to a number of large events. There are numerous small events where we are supposed to be together as a family. Ugh.

 

My son's would only be an hour or so.

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I wish this was only an hour or so, but this is an entire weekend full of events: family brunch, family dinner, farewell meeting with her department faculty, events for her clubs (which would be small), in addition to a number of large events. There are numerous small events where we are supposed to be together as a family. Ugh.

 

My son's would only be an hour or so.

 

Even if it's a whole week, it's still not about you.

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If you were the driver in the car when your daughter was killed, or you were the one that encouraged her to get in the other person's car while you all drove somewhere, its possible that the wife was taking out her grief and anger on you. Everyone grieves differently and the only way she felt she could heal is getting everyone and everything about it out of her sight. its not uncommon to happen - to split parents apart. So stop blaming her for not being around - that's up to her kids to explore their relationship with her. Let the daughter lead with how much she wants her mom there. She misses her. She may just decide not to participate in it all if she feels uncomfortable - but don't Deliberately make her uncomfortable. Be the bigger person. Go to personal counseling if you decide you want to confront mom

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- My son had so many car accidents and tickets that they canceled our car insurance. I made him stop driving for a while and take driving lessons. One day, both kids had car accidents in different places.

 

- I found too many bottles around the house, and wondered if my son had a drinking problem. I monitored him carefully, and decided he didn't have one, but that was a big concern.

 

- I had to talk to the Dean and make an emergency visit to my daughter’s college after my daughter was transported to the hospital for alcoholic poisoning – it was her 3rd alcohol offense. I went back and forth with the Dean, who spoke to all my daughter’s professors to make sure that she was stable. After the visit, I was able to determine that she was doing normal college drinking.

 

 

There is nothing normal in drinking to the point of needing medical intervention while in or out of college. If you've had concerns about both your children drinking, I think there's likely a family problem.

 

You sound like an amazing father. And this is, undoubtedly, abundantly clear to your children.

 

I'd like you to consider something. In spite of everything, your ex has missed all the joy that came along the way, too. If anything, I would pity her. She's missed out on a lot and must've been in incredible pain to leave her family (especially for nothing of value, it seems).

 

If at all possible, you should be gracious. If you can't be gracious, be civil. Your ex's life sounds like a living hell - one she put on herself.

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I'm sorry to hear this. Sadly this type of tragedy often leads to blaming, anger and divorce. Did you ever give yourself time to grieve? It seems you took on the role of task-master and care-taker. Unfortunately your ex descended into a world of anger and escapism. Keep doing the best you can for your kids no matter how successful or troubled they are. Try to soften your anger at your ex. It's eating you alive. Take care of yourself. Whatever role their mother has in your kids lives is what it is. They will come to their own conclusions. Be neutral.

My ex-wife and I lost our 13-year-old daughter 6 years ago in an accident.

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Did you ever give yourself time to grieve? It seems you took on the role of task-master and care-taker.

No, I wasn't allowed to grieve. Any attempts at talking about my daughter brought either an explosion or nothing - my wife was an emotional stone most of the time. I finally realized it was better to not mention our daughter to her. Without telling her, I created a printed memorial and an online memorial (she yelled at me when I asked her to look at it). I went to probate court alone to take care of my daughter's $10,000 college account. On top of that, I was coordinating flood repairs, directing bulldozers and rebuilding what I could by myself (this took two years) and trying to work.

 

And Autumnborn, who said: "In spite of everything, your ex has missed all the joy that came along the way, too." Perhaps, but what little joy there has been has been overridden by duty and work.

 

I spent 3 hours yesterday on another one of my son's problems. My pile from other places keeps getting higher. I'm going through the generational hand-off. My youngest sister has been handed off to me, and I finally placed her in a group home, which is hard to do because there are few, but I was able to keep her out of jail. I did what I could to save my father, using a contact to get him a consult in the country's finest cancer hospital one day after he asked, until late last year when he died, leaving behind my mother who is very nice, but now living alone with early Alzheimer's a couple hours form here. I also am organizing 15 years of paperwork/financial information (now located in garbage bags and boxes all over my house) that my father left behind when he finally collapsed.

 

I've had almost 7 years of this non-stop, and only 28 days of vacation since the summer of 2010 (I do have to work, too, but it's hard to find time to do that). I need a break, rather than deal with spending two graduations with my ex-wife. This I didn't say before, but my real desire once I learned that she is going to my daughter's, and also probably my son's graduation (two weeks before my daughter's), was to skip going to either one. I'd rather take some time to have fun, or more likely, just to try to get caught up, but I realize that I have to go to these for my kids.

 

Yes, I know that I long ago hit caretaker burnout and that I'm supposed to leave time for myself, but every time I seem to get close to getting something stabilized, another surprise catastrophe pops up (who knew that my sister would go off her medication and cause $20,000 in damage in one day while my father was suffering from an undiagnosed cancer?).

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  • 4 weeks later...

I'm sorry that you are going through all this. I feel like your wife is an awful person with severe personality disorder. Coming from a background where my mother pretty similar...I can also understand why your daughter is in so much need to have her "mother" (or what ever you want to call that thing) . I remember being in high school ...how embarrassed , how much of an outsider I felt when other kids had their mothers around while I knew that mine was not giving a .

 

But, I also think that you need to be more firm with your ex wife. In terms of legal matters...isn't she supposed to support you financially since you are the one that looking after the kids?

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