People in happy relationships - what incompatibilities have you overcome?

I am not sure if this is the right place to ask a general question, but I am asking it to figure out where my relationship falls on the spectrum between "completely incompatible, run away now" and "it will take a bit of work, but it will be ok".

So... if you had some doubts about compatibility at some point, but overcome it, and are still happily together- please elaborate!

Not sure... how long you have been involved.. to realize all of your differences?

It does matter, IMO.. to a degree.

My ex admitted his latest gf and him dont really have anything in common and I think it's taken just over a year to finally admit that and see he's really not that 'happy'.

Admitting that at least we had things in common.. same interests. ( But he still pulled away). :(.

Yes, it is normal to have diff interests to a degree. BUT, are you two really happy?

I dont get involved with someone who loves to bike or travel regularly because that is a BIG difference to me.

I am not big into physical activity nor travelling.. so that won't go.

And if you are really different.. what have you got to do if one wants to go that way and you want to go this way?

There either needs to be acceptance in it all.. or things just don't work out.

We have overcome:

Mismatched communication styles

Both have mental illness

Both had an abusive upbringing

Different decoration sense

Slight cultural difference

Military lifestyle

His overbearing parents

Just something things we have overcome or still working on.

I think it depends on whether it's incompatible values or incompatible interests. I'm basically a Type A person trying to reform -i.e. chill out -especially as a parent now - and my husband is Type B to the hilt which can be frustrating. But I aspire to be more type B. It certainly creates some challenging situations especially as parents but on balance -well, it's balanced to have the two different styles even though they clash sometimes.

I could not do incompatible core values.

I think it depends on whether it's incompatible values or incompatible interests. I'm basically a Type A person trying to reform -i.e. chill out -especially as a parent now - and my husband is Type B to the hilt which can be frustrating. But I aspire to be more type B. It certainly creates some challenging situations especially as parents but on balance -well, it's balanced to have the two different styles even though they clash sometimes.

 

I could not do incompatible core values.

Absolutely. Our core values are the same.

While this might sound like a cop out, it's really not. Successfully navigating what might be considered incompatibilities is itself compatibility. There's probably a laundry list of things that would contribute to incompatibility were it a woman other than my fiancee, but the overall dynamic and the variable intricacies within it are what makes them not incompatibilities, but tolerable differences. Now obviously that's not to take away from the fact many of us do and indeed should have hard-lined dealbreakers that would outweigh any amount of nuance.

Not sure... how long you have been involved.. to realize all of your differences?

It does matter, IMO.. to a degree.

 

My ex admitted his latest gf and him dont really have anything in common and I think it's taken just over a year to finally admit that and see he's really not that 'happy'.

Admitting that at least we had things in common.. same interests. ( But he still pulled away). :(.

 

Yes, it is normal to have diff interests to a degree. BUT, are you two really happy?

 

I dont get involved with someone who loves to bike or travel regularly because that is a BIG difference to me.

I am not big into physical activity nor travelling.. so that won't go.

 

And if you are really different.. what have you got to do if one wants to go that way and you want to go this way?

There either needs to be acceptance in it all.. or things just don't work out.

We have a great physical/ emotional connection & we love each other a lot.

I am happy with him.

We share about 60-70 percent of music/cultural tastes.

We have similar enough lifestyles, and similar political outlooks, but not the same.

We broadly share approach to what we want from a relationship and want to move in about a year - I might be more inclined to want marriage at some point, but he is not opposed to it. We are both not ready for children, but feel neither compelled to have them, or not, in the future.

Where we differ is I guess our levels of ambition, and our mental rapport- he is a bit self-absorbed.

He admits he is not ambitious. He cares about having a stable job, but that's about it. He would be happy to have the same job in 30 years time.

He has interest and creative hobbies - but again is not ambitious in them, apart from wanting to do what he enjoys. His work allows him to stay fit, so he does not exercise.

Whilst I am not overly ambitious myself in terms of finance and material achievements, I'd like to be in a job that offers some progress and fulfilment. I like to have the feeling of working on self-improvement, outside of work too- fitness, learning new skills, but find it hard to self- motivate and find it easier to do when I have a partner who is achieving stuff themselves- I have the inspiration to copy them, so to say. With my current partner I'd have to find a lot of self- motivation, and it might be very tempting to just follow his lifestyle, which would not work for me. I understand that it works for him - he is physically healthy and slim/fit because of his work, but it would not work for me.

When it comes to our mental rapport - again we share a lot of interests & opinions and I find his knowledge interesting. BUT it often feels like he is just interested in being opinionated, rather than genuine discussion and finding out how something works- & because of this our conversations feel a bit frustrating/awkward sometimes. Neither of it is particularly unpleasant, just a little bit limiting, I guess?

He is very caring and sweet, and affectionate - so I am getting my needs met. But he is also somehow self- absorbed. Eg. often if I don't bring something up, he will not ask me about it - or forget, and only ask me days after it happened- eg an interview. This also comes through in conversation. He is not selfish as a person, he definitely cares, but is just a bit inward/ self absorbed and self- indulgent in temperament. But he has other redeeming qualities and has the capacity to make me happy. I am dealing with the last incompatibility by challenging him a bit more, and asking him questions- but I guess it is hard because I am also more used to others asking more questions.

On many levels we are so different. Different interests, different views, different opinions on quite a lot of things. Actually, come to think of it, almost nothing in common, lol.... except our core values are the same, deep and total respect for each other and respecting each other's different points of view, and integrity and loyalty. It works for us.

Husband comes from a family who were always getting together to celebrate something, I swear they celebrated Garbage Day! My family didnt celebrate much of anything, ever, so it was hard for me to understand his family's level of togetherness. I didnt like it, didnt see the need, it was smothering to me. I tried to deal with it as best I could but it's just not me to feel a need to be together all the time with a bunch of relatives. It did cause issues between us for a few years and eventually he learned to deal with me saying no, I am not going, but you can go if you want. It all worked out in the end.

Husband comes from a family who were always getting together to celebrate something, I swear they celebrated Garbage Day! My family didnt celebrate much of anything, ever, so it was hard for me to understand his family's level of togetherness. I didnt like it, didnt see the need, it was smothering to me. I tried to deal with it as best I could but it's just not me to feel a need to be together all the time with a bunch of relatives. It did cause issues between us for a few years and eventually he learned to deal with me saying no, I am not going, but you can go if you want. It all worked out in the end.

Oh i know it was frustrating but LOL - I love this post about Garbage Day!!! I needed the chuckle. And yes I agree about smothering.

My parents got married in their early 20s. And my father told her -no more going to your relatives every single Sunday afternoon to sit there for hours (especially since many of them spoke a language he did not understand). My mother saw the light (thank goodness- really was overkill) and they lived mostly happily ever after for the next 60 or so years.

I never really thought of that kind of incompatibility because it was ingrained in me that family/relatives were a top priority etc. And yes - you are right - sure they can be and yes it is also overkill what you describe especially for people who aren't that extroverted -especially. OK going off to plan my huge Arbor Day family celebration.....

I am not sure if this is the right place to ask a general question, but I am asking it to figure out where my relationship falls on the spectrum between "completely incompatible, run away now" and "it will take a bit of work, but it will be ok".

 

So... if you had some doubts about compatibility at some point, but overcome it, and are still happily together- please elaborate!

I'm a stickler for time. Punctual. I dislike last minute changes and/or cancellations. My partner, not so much. It bothered me quite a bit, and it caused some problems early. We talked about it a lot. She asked me to accept that part of her, and said she would be more mindful of it, and try to accomodate me. I in turn said I would try to be more patient and understanding. For the most part it was working. Then it wasn't. An incident caused quite a 'fight' between us. I simply had to make a decision. That was to truly accept this incompatibility, or move on. I eventually accepted. Not just lip service, but internally accepted it. It's no longer a problem. There are other minor compatibilities we've accepted and worked through. There really are no major incompatibilities. We are eerily alike in a lot of ways.

I haven't had a lot of success with women that are incompatible. No matter how strong the attraction. To me compatibility is more complex than just sharing interest and values. It's about how you see life, and how you behave. How you have arrived to where you are in life. It's many things. It's rare.

I believe if you're really compatible and in love, you can accept some minor incompatibility. I also believe, that no matter how much you love someone, or are attracted to them, if you lack major compatibility, you're relation, or attempt at relationship, is doomed.