is wrong with me

I will start this off by saying I'm not exceptional by any means. I'm comfortable in life, but not super successful. I'm a jack of all trades/master of none type. I don't really excel at anything. Including relationships. I am good looking enough to where I will get approached by women often, and have had women even call my work to ask me out. But nothing ever really works out. I am single, and have had relationships with women who were in relationships (terrible thing to do, but I still do it), and still go out with girls, but nothing ever works out for the long term. People eventually get sick of me and end up just stop talking to me. One thing I don't do is chase them. Once I feel the vibe that I've worn out my welcome with a girl, I don't try to contact them. I just leave it alone. Even if deep down I want to, I just don't want to be "that guy". But it bums me out still.

I think this sums up my problems: I can attract women, but I can't keep them interested in me very long. So there is something about me that ruins everything. I wish I could pinpoint it, but I can't figure it out. And it bothers me to know that there is something wrong with me. I take rejection very hard. And it makes me sad.

Well, you're doing something wrong. It's up to you to figure out what it is. Do you listen to your dates? Do you engage in conversation? Do you show an interest in them? Are you romantic? Are you nice? Do you have autism or Asperger's? What happens to make your relationship just peter out?

You could ask a lady friend or a relative to give you a once-over. Tell them to be critical of you and explain why your relationships don't last. They may have the answers and all you had to do was ask.

Are you doing anything to grow the relationship and keep the interest?

Maybe you need to do a little chasing. Relationships take work. Spice things up when things start to get a little stale...married people will often make it a requirement to have "date night" away from the kids, do something fun, reignite that spark, because the reality is, we all get lost in our daily lives and we're tired and we hit that rut, and after awhile, you know you've "caught" them, so you don't work as hard anymore, and I think we fail to realize that we still have to court each other...do a little chasing. Make her know you're still hot and into her. If all you do is drop off the planet because she seems bored, you miss the opportunity to grow the relationship further.

I'm not clear on what it is that you realize the "relationship has run its course" or the vibe. Yes, we all get that definite feeling. For me, it's that the guy gets "busy"...has other things to do, and doesn't plan time with me, stops texting or calling...I'm the one that initiates the texts and tries to plan the time, and obviously after a few attempts and they cancel last minute or "have other plans," don't reach out just to say hi and touch base until the time is there to see each other, I'll drop the rope. But I do put in that try...I get the hint eventually. It's fine if things get busy and it's harder to see each other, but some effort needs to be made in between and hopefully a better work/life balance can be created...there has to be that chase in between. I think if what you've experienced is they just stop trying, stop reaching out, stop making time for you, yes, fine if you stop calling, but I question if you even TRY before giving up.

Unfortunately no one can really help you figure out "what's wrong with you" since we don't know you, and you have not offered any examples. If you don't really know what it is, you can't very well write it down for us. I agree that if you have some friends/family you can trust to be blunt with you (and it will hurt), ask them for pointers or if they recognize behaviors that are causing issue. Surely some of the women you've dated have told you something.

Obviously dating women who are in a relationship/married is a dead end.

Can't keep them interested in you.. for what time.. in general? Couple weeks? Couple months?

THIS is what i think you need to change..."Once I feel the vibe that I've worn out my welcome with a girl, I don't try to contact them. I just leave it alone. Even if deep down I want to, I just don't want to be "that guy". But it bums me out still."

If YOU do find an interest.. to persue it. Why stop??

Can't keep them interested in you.. for what time.. in general? Couple weeks? Couple months?

 

THIS is what i think you need to change..."Once I feel the vibe that I've worn out my welcome with a girl, I don't try to contact them. I just leave it alone. Even if deep down I want to, I just don't want to be "that guy". But it bums me out still."

If YOU do find an interest.. to persue it. Why stop??

Because my instincts are usually spot on. I can trust them. So when my instincts tell me that I've worn out my welcome, I've learned that I can trust that.

Too hard to say without knowing you and the types of females you seek out.

Do you have bad behaviors? Smoking/drinking/drugs. Are you motivated? Do you plan fun dates?

Are you attentive? Too needy?

Maybe you need to do a little chasing. Relationships take work. Spice things up when things start to get a little stale...married people will often make it a requirement to have "date night" away from the kids, do something fun, reignite that spark, because the reality is, we all get lost in our daily lives and we're tired and we hit that rut, and after awhile, you know you've "caught" them, so you don't work as hard anymore, and I think we fail to realize that we still have to court each other...do a little chasing. Make her know you're still hot and into her. If all you do is drop off the planet because she seems bored, you miss the opportunity to grow the relationship further.

 

I'm not clear on what it is that you realize the "relationship has run its course" or the vibe. Yes, we all get that definite feeling. For me, it's that the guy gets "busy"...has other things to do, and doesn't plan time with me, stops texting or calling...I'm the one that initiates the texts and tries to plan the time, and obviously after a few attempts and they cancel last minute or "have other plans," don't reach out just to say hi and touch base until the time is there to see each other, I'll drop the rope. But I do put in that try...I get the hint eventually. It's fine if things get busy and it's harder to see each other, but some effort needs to be made in between and hopefully a better work/life balance can be created...there has to be that chase in between. I think if what you've experienced is they just stop trying, stop reaching out, stop making time for you, yes, fine if you stop calling, but I question if you even TRY before giving up.

 

Unfortunately no one can really help you figure out "what's wrong with you" since we don't know you, and you have not offered any examples. If you don't really know what it is, you can't very well write it down for us. I agree that if you have some friends/family you can trust to be blunt with you (and it will hurt), ask them for pointers or if they recognize behaviors that are causing issue. Surely some of the women you've dated have told you something.

 

Obviously dating women who are in a relationship/married is a dead end.

I mean, I know many of my faults. I know myself well. I spent half a decade strung out on opiates, but nobody would know that when I meet them since I keep it quiet. I have a childish sense of humor, so that may be it as well. I don't know. I am very tall and am covered in tattoos (I wish I didn't have any tattoos now) So maybe girls make assumptions about who I really am as a person and can't imagine me as a long term responsible partner. Because people do want security in life too. Maybe they think that I am too childish and wouldn't be able to be a provider.

But I always have the feeling in the back of my mind that many of these girls are out of my league. So because of that, when they find out that they are actually out of my league, that's when they lose interest in me. Because my self esteem is taking a beating over this stuff. There are times where I just think to myself "Screw it, I'm just going to be solo and try to be happy in life." and then something comes along and then goes away and then I'm back to feeling terrible about it.

Too hard to say without knowing you and the types of females you seek out.

Do you have bad behaviors? Smoking/drinking/drugs. Are you motivated? Do you plan fun dates?

Are you attentive? Too needy?

Maybe I come across as fake or something. I don't know. Or maybe I overcomplicate things.

I am a recovering dope addict, but I keep that quiet. Unless maybe people can sense that. I'm not sure. I smoke. Do I plan future dates? Not necessarily. But I do say things like "I had fun, we should do this again sometime.". I feel like I always have to leave the ball in their court because I hate the feeling of them just saying yes because I put them on the spot. I am very sensitive as to not want to come across as too needy. If I let myself be my true self, I could definitely be the "Please don't go away" type. But that terrifies me, so I always try to put on the front that I am not needy. I would always feel better about myself to have enough dignity to walk away when I am not wanted. But that doesn't make it any easier.

 

Maybe I come across as fake or something. I don't know. Or maybe I overcomplicate things.

Sounds to me like you lack self confidence. We females want attention and want to be chased a little. We want you to initiate and plan, until we are comfortable enough to just know that you don't need to anymore because you become our Friday or Saturday night . If that make sense.

Instead of "we should do this again sometime" how about just set something up? Like "hey I know this cool place with a live band , do you want to go Saturday night at eight?" Or "there's a park I wanted to take a hike at. Would you like to join me ?" Show some interest because we tend when things red left too up in the air to think you guys don't hold much interest.

The dope thing, well it's your past. Unless you're burnt from it, and it's shows, leave it behind you. The tattoos, that can be a turn off to certain people. Myself I don't like multiple tattoos and piercings and I'll not go out, but if you are getting dates then these women don't care about that. So it's not that.

Your comment about girls being out of your league is an issue. What types do you seek out? I'm a professional in health care but to be honest I prefer men with working hands. The stuffy business suit types and lawyers and doctors I've tried to date just don't keep my interest. Jeans casual I like. Though I will throw on a dress and heels and look great when I go out lol. So go figure. If you associate leagues, and feel less than they are, your lack of confidence will show, even without you saying anything. But in general we like to see drive and ambition. I've dated very wealthy men and average income men. At the end of the day what matters is the affection and interest shown. Reliability, stability, honesty, loyalty. You have to find your good character traits and put a spotlight on them. And most importantly, be happy! No one likes to be around someone who's down on life. We are attracted to those who make us feel good to be around.

Sounds to me like you lack self confidence. We females want attention and want to be chased a little. We want you to initiate and plan, until we are comfortable enough to just know that you don't need to anymore because you become our Friday or Saturday night . If that make sense.

 

Instead of "we should do this again sometime" how about just set something up? Like "hey I know this cool place with a live band , do you want to go Saturday night at eight?" Or "there's a park I wanted to take a hike at. Would you like to join me ?" Show some interest because we tend when things red left too up in the air to think you guys don't hold much interest.

 

The dope thing, well it's your past. Unless you're burnt from it, and it's shows, leave it behind you. The tattoos, that can be a turn off to certain people. Myself I don't like multiple tattoos and piercings and I'll not go out, but if you are getting dates then these women don't care about that. So it's not that.

 

Your comment about girls being out of your league is an issue. What types do you seek out? I'm a professional in health care but to be honest I prefer men with working hands. The stuffy business suit types and lawyers and doctors I've tried to date just don't keep my interest. Jeans casual I like. Though I will throw on a dress and heels and look great when I go out lol. So go figure. If you associate leagues, and feel less than they are, your lack of confidence will show, even without you saying anything. But in general we like to see drive and ambition. I've dated very wealthy men and average income men. At the end of the day what matters is the affection and interest shown. Reliability, stability, honesty, loyalty. You have to find your good character traits and put a spotlight on them. And most importantly, be happy! No one likes to be around someone who's down on life. We are attracted to those who make us feel good to be around.

Maybe I'll just enjoy it for what it's worth. There are guys out there who enjoy the freedom of going out with random girls and then never having to deal with it again after that. Maybe I'll just try to enjoy that and accept it as this is the way it is kind of thing.

Thanks for all of your insight. You're probably spot on. I will say this. I am the opposite of many people. Many people start off shy and then eventually open up. I'm the opposite. When I'm just meeting someone or hanging out with them, I'm very comfortable and talkative. My job kind of instilled that in me. But then when I start to question where it's going, I get more shy and worrying.

 

Maybe I'll just enjoy it for what it's worth. There are guys out there who enjoy the freedom of going out with random girls and then never having to deal with it again after that. Maybe I'll just try to enjoy that and accept it as this is the way it is kind of thing.

No! Why do that? Find out what it is and fix it while accenting your good traits. Cuz let's face facts here, the older you get, the dating pool shrinks. Do you want to be 70 and alone because you feared finding out what keeps these females from sticking around? Care about yourself more than this! The playboy lifestyle works for some, but not all. I don't think you want that if you're honest with yourself. Toughen up! You gotta be your own friend and advocate here! You can do this.

Go after what you really want rather than letting the desperadoes and cheaters come to you.

I will get approached by women often, and have had women even call my work to ask me out.I am single, and have had relationships with women who were in relationships

You're too aloof. You're coming across as uninterested. "We should do this again sometime." That's fine on the first date, but call that night or the next day to say you had a great time and in short order, present another date, none of this "maybe" but present a date, a time, a specific event you know she'd like or your common interest. I can promise you, if the woman feels like she has to hint or beg a date or has to force you into one with your nonchalant, maybe attitude, she's going to move on to someone who cares enough about her that he leaps at making the next date, and there's no question he's actually going to show up or keep the date. You need to take the lead and take some control. You're the man and men are supposed to be more the aggressor.

Tattoos and drugs -- moving into stereotype territory here, my apologies; my intent isn't to judge or offend, but stereotypes are an issue. Who do you hang out with now and what caliber are they and are there drugs? Too much boozing? People overcome addictions, change, grow, were young and stupid, and the past is the past. If you continue to hang out with people where the substances are around, that's going to be an issue. Anyone is going to worry about reverting and falling off the wagon. You need to demonstrate you're not that guy. Some women will bail pretty fast, but the ones that stick and want to give it a chance, you shouldn't drop off the planet so fast that the opportunity doesn't present itself that you are in a better place in life.

Tattoos -- niche in life. Think bikers and cowboys, this is a niche, and dress and style are part of it, interests, music, movies, etc. If a woman is in your niche, you're already ahead of the game. Tattoos shouldn't be a major issue. It's not my thing, as well as multiple piercings and those ear bolts and giant earlobe holes, but obviously a lot of people like them.

Self-esteem -- you need to improve this. You are a person of value and women like you, and you seem to kick yourself down as something insignificant. You wouldn't have any dates or relationships if there wasn't something about you worth pursuing, but you go and drop out so fast because you perceive your self-worth to be so low and unworthy...and you pull this aloof, lackadaisical nonsense, and give yourself so little value, women aren't staying. It's not their job to raise you and fluff your feathers, and if you're coming across as not interested, they're dropping off. You are wanted and you have value...behave as such...chase.

You're too aloof. You're coming across as uninterested. "We should do this again sometime." That's fine on the first date, but call that night or the next day to say you had a great time and in short order, present another date, none of this "maybe" but present a date, a time, a specific event you know she'd like or your common interest. I can promise you, if the woman feels like she has to hint or beg a date or has to force you into one with your nonchalant, maybe attitude, she's going to move on to someone who cares enough about her that he leaps at making the next date, and there's no question he's actually going to show up or keep the date. You need to take the lead and take some control. You're the man and men are supposed to be more the aggressor.

 

Tattoos and drugs -- moving into stereotype territory here, my apologies; my intent isn't to judge or offend, but stereotypes are an issue. Who do you hang out with now and what caliber are they and are there drugs? Too much boozing? People overcome addictions, change, grow, were young and stupid, and the past is the past. If you continue to hang out with people where the substances are around, that's going to be an issue. Anyone is going to worry about reverting and falling off the wagon. You need to demonstrate you're not that guy. Some women will bail pretty fast, but the ones that stick and want to give it a chance, you shouldn't drop off the planet so fast that the opportunity doesn't present itself that you are in a better place in life.

 

Tattoos -- niche in life. Think bikers and cowboys, this is a niche, and dress and style are part of it, interests, music, movies, etc. If a woman is in your niche, you're already ahead of the game. Tattoos shouldn't be a major issue. It's not my thing, as well as multiple piercings and those ear bolts and giant earlobe holes, but obviously a lot of people like them.

 

Self-esteem -- you need to improve this. You are a person of value and women like you, and you seem to kick yourself down as something insignificant. You wouldn't have any dates or relationships if there wasn't something about you worth pursuing, but you go and drop out so fast because you perceive your self-worth to be so low and unworthy...and you pull this aloof, lackadaisical nonsense, and give yourself so little value, women aren't staying. It's not their job to raise you and fluff your feathers, and if you're coming across as not interested, they're dropping off. You are wanted and you have value...behave as such...chase.