What are my responsibilities to my daughter's fiance's children?

My daughter is 35 and has one son. She is engaged to a man who has two children, ages 6 and 10. Mind you, they are only engaged at this point and

they have grandparents that live close by. I live over 3 hours away.

I sent my grandson an Easter card with a check so my daughter could buy my grandson a nice outfit, a teddy bear, Easter goodies or whatever his heart

desires.

A week later, I receive a text from my daughter that my grandson and his fiancee's two children are selling raffle tickets at $5 for 5. She informed me,

(she didn't ask me), that she hoped that I would buy all the raffle tickets from the kids to help support their school. That would come to $75.

A few days later, I sent her money for only my grandson's raffle tickets and said nothing about buying for the girls.

I received a text from her 2 days ago to let me know how much she appreciated the card and check which will help her buy a nice outfit for

my grandson, then she added that the girls feelings were hurt that I did not send them a check as well and that in the future I need to include them.

I have not responded to her request. I am rather confused. I am not a stingy person, but I am not sure I need to buy the girls anything as they are not

even my step daughters. They have a father and grandparents, who I am sure would be more than happy to buy their raffle tickets and buy them an Easter

outfit or Easter goodies. I need some help here....just what am I obligated to do for my daughter's fiancee's children??? And if I am not obligated to do

anything, how do I let my daughter know this? Let me add here.....I am not working due to my health issues, so money is very limited.

Would welcome your thoughts and insights.

It sounds like you daughter is kind of demanding about getting things from you. Is that how your relationship normally functions?

In general I do think it's kinder to treat all the children in the house equally. They are small and don't understand why they are being treated differently. Although I don't understand why your daughter would tell them that you hadn't sent money to them... they are so young they probably wouldn't notice unless she pointed it out.

In the future maybe send the same amount and explain it's for all three of them and then your daughter can choose what to do. You shouldn't be spending money outside your budget. And you have no obligation to give any of the children anything. But it's kinder to treat them equally if you are giving one of them something. Although I'm still not sure why your daughter would choose to rub the difference in her step children's faces.

This is a tough spot for you I’m sure. However, those children are going to be your daughter’s step children. From what you describe, she already treats them as her own, as she should. You should as well. I’m a step mother to my husband’s two children and I’ve treated them as my own since we met. Because they are engaged and intending to spend the rest of their lives together, it’s important that they see you are at least attempting to welcome them in as such. There is nothing worse than favoritism being shown to one child when there are others. Whether you realize it or not, you are showing favoritism even though he is your grandson and they are not yet. But doing it now increases the chance that it will be the same after they are married.

This can cause trouble down the road and not just from the adults. They might only be 6 and 10, but they probably noticed on their own that he was getting things they weren’t. Children see these things. My mother in law shows favoritism towards my stepson over his sister. I’m pretty sure it’s because of who her mother is, but it’s wrong no matter what the reason is. My stepdaughter is 4 and she notices when her brother gets things from their Nana and she does not.

That doesn’t mean buying all of their raffle tickets. That does mean acknowledging them. If you cannot afford to buy something for everyone, send one amount and ask your daughter to split it between them. Or, send something they can all enjoy. It may end up being just a card for smaller holidays or even spending less in order to be able to buy for all three for bigger holidays. Your daughter’s two person family is turning into a five person family and she is expecting you to be supportive and not make the blending harder than it already will be.

This is a sensitive subject. I’ve seen families completely cut a person out of their lives for not treating someone as an equal. I’m not saying your daughter would do this, but I have seen it happen.

This is a tough spot for you I’m sure. However, I disagree with rosephase..

You said you disagreed with me but then said the same thing I said. It's important to treat all the children in the family equally.

I was just asking more about the OP relationship to her daughter because she sounds somewhat demanding of "gifts".

You said you disagreed with me but then said the same thing I said. It's important to treat all the children in the family equally.

 

I was just asking more about the OP relationship to her daughter because she sounds somewhat demanding of "gifts".

That's my fault. I misread the part of your post where you said she's under no obligation to buy any of the children anything. I thought it said something different. I'm sorry. I will change it. It's late where I am!

I would like to know the nature of the gift giving as well. It seems like buying all the raffle tickets is something she expected you to do. Would you normally buy them all for your grandson? How much did you send her for your grandson's raffle tickets?

Akfranklin2014...........since my daughter has only been engaged to this man since Christmas of last year, my gift giving began at Christmas time. I bought

all the children gifts and tried to spend equal amounts on each. I wasn't expecting to get hit up for raffle tickets (for his girls). I didn't think my daughter would

expect me to spend the $75 for all three of them. Like I said before, I don't work due to health issues and I live on a very tight budget. I should have asked

questions like, "so how many raffle tickets are your fiancee buying?" "and how many tickets are the girls two sets of grandparents buying"? "and how many

are your dad buying"?

I agree with what you said about treating them all fairly, I just didn't know WHEN does that start? I was thinking that until they are married, I would just wait to

buy things for the girls. I don't know why my daughter would allow her son to open the card in front of them when she realized I didn't buy an Easter card for them.

In answer to your question, how much did I send for his raffle tickets? I sent her a check for $25, only to find out, he did not participate in the raffle after all.

Rosephase.........they are 6 and 10, so they are old enough to know when my grandson receives things from me in the mail and they don't. I told her I would try

to do better next time. I think my daughter is trying to make me feel a part of the family and that includes remembering them on special occasions like Christmas,

their birthday, Easter......but I think when it comes to school matter, I would rather let their father, mother and grandparents take the responsibility for that. Just a thought.

That's strange he didn't participate in the raffle at all. Did she specifically say him or did she just say "the kids" when she told you about the raffle? I think you're right about the questions also I would have just sent maybe $5 for each child. That's reasonable. No one person should be expected to buy them all.

As to when it starts, it should start when it's clear they intend on becoming a family, in my opinion. Sure it's nice to buy all of them things when they're all around, just to be nice, but they shouldn't be purposely excluded. I would say now is the time to start. They've obviously already transitioned and are living as a family so that's when everyone else should think of them as one family unit.

Also to note your last comment about leaving school things to their parents and grandparents. That may be a good idea, although technically you are their grandparent. If they're going to school together, and you want to buy from your grandson, pick one thing to buy from each of them. Like you said, you can always let your daughter know you're going to stick to gifts for special occasions as buying fundraising things from all three can get expensive. It's all a balancing act. It takes time to get it right. I have a friend of mine at work who buys her grandchildren gift cards. That way everyone is equal and she doesn't have to worry about buying one something that's more expensive than the other, which can get messy when it comes to kids.

Akfranklin............she sent me a text about the raffle, stating that all three kids were participating and that the tickets cost $5 a piece, and each kid has five, so that would come out to $75. I don't know if the other girls participated or not, but I know my grandson did not. Also, it would be nice to be asked if I would like to participate instead of informing

me about it and expecting me to cough up the money. When I spent $30 recently when my daughter informed me of my grandson participating in a fun run for juniors, I put up the money only to find out that he didn't participate because he was sick. Later, my daughter told me that she donated the money to the school instead of calling me to ask me what I wanted to do with it. I would have happily donated it to the school.

I do like your advice, however, thank you!

Hmm. I'm starting not to trust your daughter about where the money's going for these donations. But I do know that schools and other organizations have gone crazy forcing kids to sell stuff for football leagues, and school fund-raisers, etc. Still, you shouldn't be forced to spend $75 on a "pack" of raffle tickets. I think one or two tickets per child should have been enough. And I agree that each kid should get something, but I don't think your daughter should be forcing you to buy expensive gifts when you're on a limited income.

Of course you're not "obligated" to do anything. Better communication would help. For example rather than competitive or argumentative statements, a simple "I can't afford the raffle tickets or I can only afford xyz". Stop acting like a martyr, they are asking, not holding a gun to your head. Learn to decline honestly and politely.

As far as gifts. All three are little kids and don't understand your long standing hostility toward/disapproval of your daughter. A simple affordable token card/gift for all three children would be gracious, but of course is not "required". Lavishing on your own grandson, only to deliberately exclude the other children is a mean way to stick it to your daughter, through innocent children.

they are 6 and 10, so they are old enough to know when my grandson receives things from me in the mail and they don't. I think my daughter is trying to make me feel a part of the family and that includes remembering them on special occasions like Christmas, their birthday, Easter.

You are not even obligated to give your grandson a thing. But a card and a small token of recognition for the other children would not have gone amiss on a holiday. My step grandmothers took me into account.

Of course you're not "obligated" to do anything. Better communication would help. For example rather than competitive or argumentative statements, a simple "I can't afford the raffle tickets or I can only afford xyz". Stop acting like a martyr, they are asking, not holding a gun to your head. Learn to decline honestly and politely.

 

As far as gifts. All three are little kids and don't understand your long standing hostility toward/disapproval of your daughter. A simple affordable token card/gift for all three children would be gracious, but of course is not "required". Lavishing on your own grandson, only to deliberately exclude the other children is a mean way to stick it to your daughter, through innocent children.

^^ So much this.

You've had a longstanding issue with your daughter, which you've posted a lot about. That is an entirely separate issue from these little kids, who do not need to be caught in the crossfire of your issues with each other.

Yep, better communication would solve all of this. And better framing. For example, you say in your initial post, they are "only" engaged. You're starting off passive-aggressively.

Nope, you don't have to give anyone anything. It's your money.

But these are little kids, selling raffle tickets, having birthdays, etc. Why not be a bigger person and support them in their endeavors? Tell them you'd love to buy 2 raffle tickets each, and send them a birthday card with a nice but affordable gift card inside.

Do what you can afford. But don't make the little kids pay for your issues with your daughter.

My nieces get so excited when they call me with something they're selling for their school and I say yes. Many years ago, my sister (their mom) told them that if they are selling things, they have to call the people individually, that she was not going to sell things for them. And they still do this, to this day. How about asking your daughter and her fiancé the same thing.....I'd love to have your kids call me and tell me all about the raffle tickets? And tell the kids directly how many tickets you'll take. This will help you get involved with the kids, and get to know them at the same time.

Wiseman...........I did not deliberately exclude the other children to lavish on my grandson! I was not thinking about the girls because, first of all, they live with their mother

and have grandparents (2 sets) and I wasn't sure exactly what my role is as the children are my daughter's fiancee. I wasn't sure if I begin to buy tickets, buy them clothes...etc now, or wait until they are married. My daughter doesn't ask, she sends me a text, fyi, informing me of what they are doing and she tells me how much it is. She doesn't ask, she informs. I want to do what is right, that is why I am asking. I don't like being accused of deliberately being mean and excluding the other children on purpose. I would never do that! I think the fact that my daughter allowed her son to open his card in front of the girls when she realized I didn't mail them a card, was not very smart, but rather unwise. Why don't you look at it from that perspective!!

LHgirl.....I like your ideas as well. Thank you!

This isn't the same, but I'll say this anyway:

I had 4 grandparents, only 1 of which I ever knew. 1 passed away shortly after my birth, 1 had nothing to do with my parent, and 1 was not in a healthy mental state. That left 1 grandfather, and he had 5 grandchildren. He was a retired postal worker, living on SS & a small pension. For his entire life, he sent each of us a $25 US savings bond for birthdays, with dates maybe 10-15 years in the future to mature. These bonds cost him maybe $8-$10 each. He put them inside a birthday card, with a handwritten greeting. Those cards, with those small bonds, meant the world to me, and my mother kept them for me until I graduated from college, where I used them to buy some inexpensive furniture for my first apartment. I like to think that my grandfather helped me get my start in life.

My other grandfather lived until I was out of college, but he had nothing to do with his son (my dad). To me, the man is/was nonexistent. Whatever rift was between him & my dad, he took out on us kids.

I know these little kids are not your "own" blood, but they are little kids nonetheless. Let yourself be the person they think fondly of, rather than the one they have disdain for, when they age.

And you know what? They are in your daughter's life, whether it's "just" an engagement, a marriage, whatever.

I was married once to someone with a small daughter, and my own parents treated her the same as their own grandchildren. Yes, we divorced, but I always look fondly at my parents for the way they hugged her into the family, rather than separating her out. She lit up around my parents, as they bought her the same (very small!) gifts they bought the others. My parents didn't have a ton of money, so they'd buy them each a $5 teddy bear, and you'd think they won the lottery.

LHGirl.........I think some of those reading this thread have misunderstood what my original question was. I have every intention of including them in my

life...I speak to them on the phone and did buy them Christmas presents last year, I love kids and they are very precious. I do not plan to exclude them

in any way when it comes to gift giving, or buying raffle tickets, etc.....All will be treated equally. It is not my intention to show favoritism because they

are not my blood, (I don't know where that came from), all will be loved and happily welcomed into my family. My original question was, when do i start

doing this? Should I do it now or wait until she is married and if I do it now, how to make everyone happy and contented as my resources will be quite limited.

Let me add something here......my brother has been married to a woman who has a pre-teen daughter. My brother does not accept her at all. He calls her

"the kid", instead of calling her by her name. He does not speak to her or look at her when she comes into a room. She doesn't exist in his presence. I called

him a few Christmases ago to find out what to get some ideas as to what she might like. I quizzed him on her favorite colors, music, hobbies etc.....he was of

no help and told me to not buy her anything. I was stunned and shocked. Anyway, I bought her a present and mailed it to her. We have shared good times

together and I told her she is always welcome in my home. I have always felt sorry for the way my brother treats her and try to make up for it. I think it is

sad and I know it must hurt her very deeply to know the man who married her mom, doesn't want anything to do with her. In my opinion, if a man doesn't accept

my child or children, then they can't be with me. I try my best to let her know she is loved by us, despite my brothers actions and even now, we have a happy

and healthy relationship.

Yes, I agree DanZee........it's not that I don't want to help, it's just that my funds are very limited and my daughter doesn't ask, she informs. It is only right

to love these beautiful children and I am happy to give them gifts and help out with their school fund-raisers, the sad part is I wish I had more money.

And with my health issues, I don't drive myself beyond an hour and as I am my father's full time caregiver, finding a dependable person to watch him and take

care of him is very difficult. They live over 3 hours away and I know if I miss a single birthday party, I am guilt-tripped by her!

I get where you are coming from and you are not obligated to get them anything as you are not a stepG to them yet. I think it's wrong of your daughter to expect gifts from you and even more strange that she isn't more discreet about what gifts you buy your grandchild. Those kids don't need to know who the gift giver is. Oh and asking to buy allll their raffles? He'll no. What are they doing to sell them? Back in my day, we went door to door. And yeah, why is this on you? How many did mommy and daddy buy, and the other REAL grandparents. Don't feel bad. It seems like your daughter is trying to exploit you and/or she's trying to buy those kids love and affection.

By the way, there is an awesome forum called steptalk.org. The general discussion part is amazing for stepparents and stepG's, or future Steps. You'll probably get some amazing advice over there.

I can see when specifically asked for help with one particular child's cause, you did so (it just happens to be your grandson) To hear after the fact that doing exactly what you were asked to do somehow offended the girls isn't fair. You are not a mind reader.

I hear what you are asking. It isn't about whether or not you should acknowledge these girls because it sounds as if you are eager to do so. This is just unchartered territory .. or confusing territory, where on the other hand you have a son who insists you ignore the existence of his step daughter.

I don't envy your position. I think your issue is two fold. Figuring out how to be fair to all the involved children and at the same time navigating the curve balls that come from your own adult children.

Next time any money is involved. . be sure to ask straight up what the expectations are for everyone in involved.

Make your decision from there.

Don't feel obligated to break the bank either. 10 each might have been sufficient.

I don't have the right answer but I will read on in case someone has some better advice.

This rubs me the wrong way. This is your hard earned money and you are entitled to draw boundaries around giving to "family" and even "like family" however you see fit. It's not about afford or "obligation". I have 4 nieces and nephews. 2 of them now have children. Way back I decided I would give them actual birthday gifts (i.e. opposed to birthday wises/a card, etc) until each turned 21. That is what one of my Aunts did with me and I thought it was very fair and made sense. I've given gifts to each of their children when they were born but I don't plan on doing annual gifts for each one other than for milestone birthdays/if we're visiting them, etc. Here's what I think. I'm in my 50s and over the past 5-10 years I've seen a massive increase in when people expect gifts or coyly "accept" gifts - baby showers/bridal showers (where the bridesmaids pay for the shower too), "gender reveal" party and other non-wedding/non-birthday "occasions" that involve gifts or paying for meals (like chipping in for someone's bday dinner and then also being expected to bring a gift). In my experience the obligations were far far less 20 plus years ago.

I also think FAcebook has increased the number of people who now feel comfortable asking hundreds of friends to buy raffles or sponsor how many books their 2nd grader can read in a month. I think this request is part of this trend. And I think it's fine for you to say kindly "thanks for thinking of me as someone who could contribute. It's not in my budget right now and if I give now then I'll feel like I should give for each similar occasion. Let's revisit this if you marry your fiancee and we'll see how involved I am in your stepchildrens' lives."

I still think you'd be better off not doing things for your grandchild through your daughter and instead do it separately and directly to him. If that's not possible at this time, I'd put small amounts into a special account ( an investment or savings account) for him when he gets older and can be in charge of it himself. It's also a really awesome gift, as LMgirl explained, that I was lucky enough to receive from an aunt ( it wasn't much but helped me when starting out independently away from parents home).

I still think you'd be better off not doing things for your grandchild through your daughter and instead do it separately and directly to him. If that's not possible at this time, I'd put small amounts into a special account ( an investment or savings account) for him when he gets older and can be in charge of it himself. It's also a really awesome gift, as LMgirl explained, that I was lucky enough to receive from an aunt ( it wasn't much but helped me when starting out independently away from parents home).

Fantastic idea, particularly in this situation.

Thank you jennylove.....I will check it out :-)

Yes, when money is involved, I will try to get more information as to who is contributing and how much.

Now, I am worried about birthdays! Oh dear! I live over 3 hours away and rarely go anywhere because of

my health issues (I have missed 4 out of 6) of my grandson's birthdays. Now, I will be expected to not

only show up for my grandson's birthday but for my two soon to be step grandchildren. I am already stressing

out about it because my daughter is good about guilt-tripping me.

It's simple. Send your grandson a card/gift if you can't attend. It seems you are stressing yourself out with your own issues and lack of communication.

I have missed 4 out of 6 of my grandson's birthdays.