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Thread: We met online and ...

  1. #1
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    We met online and ...

    since beginning our contact with each other only 15 days ago, we have talked non-stop, every day, for over 3 hours at each conversation. I'm in Canada and he's in Europe.

    Each conversation seems to make it clearer that we are a good match. Today we used Skype to actually see each other (were using phone/email prior to that) and it was wonderful.

    So here is my question (I'm asking on an anonymous board to get impartial feedback). I'm going over in early May to meet him and will travel a bit then go to his house for a couple of days, when I have to return back home. I invited him to go with me to a family event in the US and he has accepted, even though we haven't met in person yet (I am confident that it will be good). We laugh and laugh and laugh. He has a great sense of humor and has a good heart and values (from what I see so far).

    I'm currently not working and am thinking of looking for a job in his country and potentially move there. He is offering to help me financially and I am not that kind of guy, I am financially independent. He just bought a new house that isn't really my kind of place and not really in my kind of area, but I don't think that's an issue; people move! I feel myself falling for him, quickly. He makes me laugh, he laughs at my jokes and we just have a great time. We talked once for 4 hours (!!) and when I said goodnight (it was hard to do), we both thought it had been just an hour.

    We're very different, however. He does not like his family, I love my family. He has not gone to college/univeristy, and I have a Bachelors Degree and have studied overseas. I'm a classical pianist and he likes disco and 70s-80s music (I love that too). THere's a 5 year age difference, which I think is perfect. I'm wondering if this sounds like a recipe for disaster (the differences, distance, etc.) or would the fact that we are so different make for a great relationship. I know someone who is like me, outgoing/imperfect/funny/sensitive who is married to someone who is calm, restrained, balanced and it works great for them. I haven't found anyone in ages who gives me the butterflies I have now.

    Anyway I've rambled enough. If anyone reading this board has moved to a different country for love after a short period I'd like to know your thoughts and experiences. Thanks for listening.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    Keep in mind you do not know him. You just know what he is preforming for you. It might be honest... but it's very easy to hide the difficult, annoying or controlling parts of your personality when you connecting on-line. It's very easy to curate what someone else sees. Be careful and remember the feelings you are feeling are towards a guy that you are mostly making up. Before we know someone well we attribute a bunch of positive things towards them if we like them.

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    Thank you. Youíre right. I am trying to be careful for sure especially since weíre separated by an ocean. But Iím 60 and the guys arenít exactly knocking down my door so Iím really thinking this is an opportunity not to ignore. Itís so tough. But you do sound very negative. Is it due to a similar experience you had that went south? Just curious.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    You have only known him for 15 days and you haven't met in person yet. It's too early to tell whether he is worth uprooting yourself for him. Why all this urgency? Why not take it one step at a time? The age difference is not a problem, but the distance and rushing things sound risky. At 15 days it's way too soon to be able to tell.

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    One other thing: in this day and age when you can use Google to find info on anyone and anything, NOTHING comes up for him whatsoever. He says he doesn't like social media, and I am totally ok with that. Is that something that should be of concern? I know he did Google my name very quickly in the beginning. At first I thought it creepy but then as we've been talking it's sounding like he is interested. I'm hoping this isn't just some "any port in a storm" situation for me, and that I'm not making some huge mistake. I will go over to meet him as planned anyway and worst case scenario, I will part amicably and travel on my own for a week (I know people in his country so that's not an issue). I said I don't want to go to his house the first day, and that I had made a reservation for myself (in a different city) and he could meet me there. I think that's the safest.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Clio
    You have only known him for 15 days and you haven't met in person yet. It's too early to tell whether he is worth uprooting yourself for him. Why all this urgency? Why not take it one step at a time? The age difference is not a problem, but the distance and rushing things sound risky. At 15 days it's way too soon to be able to tell.
    No urgency except I recently lost my job and I have the time now to explore. Don't you think you don't know if you don't try?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I think you are geeing way ahead of yourself especially after just 15 days. You dont know him, you only know what he's told you. So, go meet him, if nothing else maybe he'll be come a friend, not a romantic partner. He may be a great guy, he may not. You won't know til you actually meet him. You sound like your hopes are sky high but you need to bring yourself back down to earth just in case this doesnt go as well as you hoped. I'm all for taking a chance on things and people but there has to be a lot of caution in there too.

  9. #8
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    I understand all the responses here. However everyone is so negative. Oh well, thanks for the replies, it's appreciated.

  10. #9
    Gold Member mines's Avatar
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    Hi there, thanks for your post, very interesting. I did move from the U.S. to a different country because of love. We met while on a holiday, purely organically, got back in touch some months later, then started seeing one another long distance. I ended up immigrating to his country, as a legal resident (not a citizen) and we got married. We did know each other more than a year before making the decision to get married/move, etc., but it was long distance, so vastly different than dating/living near someone and seeing them often. Ultimately, the marriage only last 2 years, and I was so happy to move back to the U.S. I was truly in love, and I suppose I'm glad I gave it a try, however in some ways it did damage that can never be repaired. If I hadn't tried, I believe I would have always wondered about him, and "what could have been".

    At this stage of your life, and while you're currently unemployed, it might be time to explore! It doesn't sound like it will affect anyone else in your life, so why not? Life is short, and we can't always live it safely in bubble-wrap - sometimes we just have to go live our lives - and try some new things! Please keep us posted on how the visit goes - good luck! :)

  11. #10
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LesIzmore
    One other thing: in this day and age when you can use Google to find info on anyone and anything, NOTHING comes up for him whatsoever. He says he doesn't like social media, and I am totally ok with that. Is that something that should be of concern? I know he did Google my name very quickly in the beginning. At first I thought it creepy but then as we've been talking it's sounding like he is interested. I'm hoping this isn't just some "any port in a storm" situation for me, and that I'm not making some huge mistake. I will go over to meet him as planned anyway and worst case scenario, I will part amicably and travel on my own for a week (I know people in his country so that's not an issue). I said I don't want to go to his house the first day, and that I had made a reservation for myself (in a different city) and he could meet me there. I think that's the safest.
    I mean it's always possible you're dealing with a scammer or psycho on the web I guess

    But I just wanted to comment on the google search bit- as I am also, purposefully, difficult to search. After my mother passed away, distant relatives who caused trouble years back when my father passed away, started trying to contact me by contacting a long chain of people leading ultimately to me. Explained I don't want my contact info forwarded and wish no contact with them, didn't suffice. A work colleague suggested I change my number and email and file a request with the ministry to have my public info deleated off the internet, something she had done herself for other reasons and seemed to have worked for her. Other than a lengthy waiting list and the fact the request took months to process, it worked just well for me as well. I also deactivated/ deleted the only two social media accounts I had and hardly used in the first place.

    My coworker, without getting into too much detail, also did not have a fishy, "incriminating" motive for hightened online privacy, and I notice in our line of work, more and more people opt for being reachable only through work and limited private connections. It's just less overwhelming.

    I still suggest, the more enthusiastic you are about someone you barely know, the more you should exercise caution, but just wanted to mention it's something to consider- the trend to fly under the cybernetic radar for boring and "normal" reasons.

    I do think if you're making the trip already, stopping by to meet in a public place before you continue on your way would be good.

    Re your enthusiasm and "negativity" on the part of onlookers, I want to emphasize I understand your feelings and by no means want to trivialize them. At the same time, it's always good to balance those against tales of caution/scepticism. I really hope you're not seriously contemplating moving for someone you don't know, or moving without making sure you have the option to live independently at your destination. I'm in europe btw and from what I hear it's somewhat easier to move from the US to Europe than yhe other way around, but it's not something i've researched personally.

    Hoping to be forgiven for concluding in a negative tone as well, since, again, just want to point out things to consider, not to rain on your parade,,,

    I think if knowing this person feels good atm, that's no reason to jump the gun. You can continue talking, getting to know each other to the extent that's possible given the distance, and if there's any quality to it, it will still be, a few months (and possibly meetings) from now. Don't live in make believe with someone so soon. Wait till you see them drooling over their exs, flirting with minors, returning to substance use they thought was in the past for them, or just about anything you wouldn't be down with in practice- OR turn out just fine over the long run.

    I would add that while you may certainly hit it off with someone you happened to meet online,,

    There might a reason on either side for choosing the "protective" factor of the distance. People averse to commitment or the practical and emotional components of a "here and now" relationship may choose one that "liberates" them from those, allowing them to not address trust issues, insecurities, practical obstacles, unhealthy attachments and of course those obstacles to such relationships that may be on the "darker" side of things.

    Chances are, what you'd ( or him, or the general you) want in a partner is present in more than one person in your vicinity, but in case you haven't bothered looking, it might not hurt thinking about why that is, and why you'd choose seeing those things in someone or something at arms length. The value anything or anyone has for us, is precisely the value we ourselves have invested them with.


    Hope i'm not bumming out your excitement, just mentioning, and hoping everything turns out just great!

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