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Thread: We met online and ...

  1. #11
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Posts
    8
    Wow, THANK YOU @RainyCoast and @mines for those very informative and well-grounded replies based on your experiences, which is exactly the type of response I wanted to know about. It is precisely what will help me in the future with how to deal with much of what you both wrote about.

    So last night we talked via Skype for the first time, instead of just by phone. Again, it was 2.5+ hours, non-stop, no awkward pauses.

    I understand PERFECTLY what everyone is saying here re: caution - and I agree. This is why I've done a few things to protect myself when I go in 4 weeks to meet him.
    1. The first night of my stay I have booked a hotel in a city I know (but not in his city) for myself. I have told him that this is for both our protection, as in reality we might NOT like each other in person and that would be awkward, let alone potentially dangerous for me. He was perfectly ok with that.
    2. I know other people in the country who have offered me a room if I need a place to stay. These are people I (and my family) have known for over 50 years...so it's not just anyone. This is a good security blanket for me.
    3. I am in 100% agreement about people being different in person than online or via the phone. I may be that way to someone else, as well. And I know I cannot and should not plan anything long term based on Skype and email.
    4. I would not move to a foreign country (even though it's the country of my birth) without a job and means of independent support. That situation would never be acceptable to me, because a) the government doesn't allow that for residency and b) it would go against my values, I don't want to be in a position of not having an income of my own to support myself. One never knows what can/might happen down the road.

    Thanks for the reassurance re: the social media thing. He has made it clear that he does not use and does not want to use anything, especially since the Cambridge Analytica scandal has come up. And I respect him for that decision. Google and others know too much about us, why give more? For me it's about finding a job (I was just laid off this past Wednesday after working for a company for 3 years), so I do need a certain amount of information to be available to recruiters and other businesses. I disabled my FB account and am finding I have more time to spend on other things. Very liberating! :)

    I'm going with cautious optimism. I am also a realist. I know it's too soon for any conclusions to be made.

    I'm taking your advice to heart and will a) take all proper precautions to protect myself emotionally and financially, and b) going with the mindset of just seeing if we have an initial connection in person.

    I will most definitely return here with the results when I get home on May 10. Again, I am very very appreciative of your taking the time to write thoughtful, insightful personal replies.

    Cheers.

  2. #12
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    42
    I would be careful. Before jumping into moving to another country with a guy you've never met online before, I suggest visiting the country or have him visit you, and see what the chemistry is like in person first. It's very very different when it's on Skype. I had an online crush once before, and we would talk for hours over webcam. Luckily he was only 2 hrs away and not in another country... but after months of talking we decided to meet, and when he showed up at my door, he looked a little bit different than expected, it was very surreal, and a very weird feeling seeing him in person. It took me a little bit to warm up to the fact that we were face to face in real life. We ended up dating for two years, so I'm not saying it won't work out... I'm just saying in person is a very different feel than online.

  3. #13
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    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Posts
    8
    I understand what EVERYONE says about being careful, nobody needs to mention that again. I AM going to be careful. I'm going over to meet him in early May and spend a few days together, see if we click. No harm in doing this; worst case scenario, I'm getting to spend a week in the country of my birth and how bad could that be. I do understand the be careful. THat's why I'm not going to his house the first day, we're meeting on neutral ground, on my insistence.

  4. #14
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Posts
    8
    OK, so a few updates here, and a few comments.
    Comment: Don't get me wrong but I posted this in the Gay and Lesbian board. Most of you, from what it seems (I can't be sure in some cases) are straight. This issue that I posted actually is directly related to the gay world and not so much on the heterosexual relationships. I understand the same rules (caution, etc.) can apply but I was more interested in hearing from gay men. Oh well.
    Updates: So we're still talking several hours a day. Yes you read that right, HOURS. Usually 2-3 hours more than 1x a day and I honestly don't know where the time goes; seems like much less. And it's hard for both of us to say goodnight. Mind you this is not on weekdays, mostly weekends, due to the fact he's on CET and I"m on EDT (6 hours difference). I have noticed that he does not ask me questions about me, and it's starting to sound more and more generic in terms of our conversations, which does make me a little uneasy. I started to think maybe he just wants SOMEONE to be with him and I just am any port in a storm, so to speak. I don't think I'll know the answer until we meet, if we do (I'm still not 100% certain I can make the trip based on the fact I lost my job 10 days ago). I've also asked him several times if he has an idea of things we can do while I'm there (after all, I am going to meet him, at least that was the original purpose) and he has not given me an answer. It's really aggravating, but maybe it's the online bit. We have done Skype, thankfully, so I know he is the same person as his online persona, again, AFAIK (I know, I have to be cautious, etc. etc. blah blah blah).

    I've had some rough days recently not only with my job loss but some family issues and while he does listen, he doesn't comment or ask questions. Again, I don't know if he's shy, or if that's his personality, or if he doesn't care. Do you think this is an indication of who he really is? Have you ever met someone in the same fashion and then they're warmer and more "interested" when you meet them? I'd like to know.

    At the moment I'm still planning on going on the 2nd, but I am in the process of making a Plan B (hotel reservations in different cities for myself) in case it's a disaster. I"m prepared for that possibility. There are a couple of other red flags he's put up but I am not going to judge ...yet.

    Thanks.

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