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Thread: How do you get over something like this?

  1. #1
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    How do you get over something like this?

    About 6 months ago, my [now ex] girlfriend and I broke up. What precipitated it is that she destroyed my ability to trust her due to lying to me more than a dozen times and a few things that just didn't add up. One of them, for example, was that she lost custody of her son to her ex and could only visit him with her ex and his mother present. She claimed her ex got away with telling a bunch of lies in court while having been an abusive alcoholic and drug addict when they were together. I'm pretty sure that the courts wouldn't make a decision in her ex's favor based on unsubstantiated lies, especially since a mother *typically* gets preferential treatment/favorable rulings and definitely not if he had any history of abuse, alcoholism, or drug addiction.

    At any rate, I was wanting a break to try to figure out whether I could continue with the relationship. It might seem like a no-brainer on the surface, but I suffer from severe insomnia thanks to an unfortunate medical condition that has left me disabled so sometimes I need a little extra time to really sort things out and make sure I'm not just making an irrational, sleep deprived decision.

    Fate stepped in to make that decision for me in a cruel and tragic way that left me with no memory of the argument that ended it all and no closure. I was drunk and because I'm not a regular drinker, I took my prescription sleeping pills that I'm supposed to take every night purely out of habit without even thinking about how dangerous it was to do so. I had literally just laid down to pass out when my gf started blowing up my phone with texts at almost 1am and because I was so totally out of it I picked up the phone, called her, and we apparently got into a huge fight. It continued in texts for about an hour after I apparently hung up on her before I blacked out. When I woke up the next day and saw the handful of texts following the fight (which mostly consisted of me calling her a liar) I called her to explain that I was drunk and medicated and had no memory of what happened. I also apologized, told her I was embarrassed, and asked her if we could talk about it. I left it as a voicemail since she didn't pick up, but I never heard from her again, even after sending a letter at one point.

    Despite her shortcomings I loved her, she was my best friend, and we'd always talked about remaining friends even if things didn't work out. However, she disappeared forever and I don't even know why, what I did, or what I said. My friends all think that it was pretty s***ty of her to not even give me a conversation about what had happened, but neutral/objective people on another message board I am a member of cast me out to be the villain, accusing me of everything from verbal abuse to being an alcoholic, telling me that she made the right decision and that I didn't deserve closure. That hurt, because I poured my heart and soul into that relationship and even had her tell me I was the most caring, considerate, and loving man she'd ever met. I never mistreated her and any previous disagreements we'd had were productive conversations without harsh words or raised voices. I deleted the thread because I didn't appreciate the accusations and assumptions. Being drunk doesn't make me an alcoholic - I probably drink once every few months - and a single argument at 1am, with all that crap in my system when I was simply trying to go to sleep, doesn't make me an abusive person or an abusive boyfriend.

    Nevertheless, it has contributed to the emotional turmoil that I've had to endure for the past 6 months. I have no answers, no memory of whatever was said, and have been stuck with nothing but guesses. How do I forgive myself for something I have no memory of but that obviously hurt somebody I loved and cared about so deeply that she would never want to talk to me again? How do I get any kind of closure when I don't know what happened and have nothing to process? Nothing has helped me come to terms with this, including therapy, and I have made exactly zero progress in 6 months. It's just as painful for me now as it was then. I don't know how to get over it and I'm at a point where it has become a cancer that I feel I'm going to have to live with forever.

    I apologize for how long this ended up being, but I am stuck and don't know what to do. Any advice or feedback is welcome.
    Last edited by Poetry Guy; 03-31-2018 at 02:16 PM.

  2. #2
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    You have to make a willful and conscious decision to move on! Get some therapy at this point because 6 months is too long to be stuck at this point! You can heal from this, you have to put in a conscious effort to move forward!! Read others post here and see what they're doing! It needs to be about you! You can take your life back and I wish you all the luck in the world!! Sorry you are hurting!

  3. #3
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    Well, she sounds like a terrible person and I don't know why you're pining for her. I think your love was all one-sided. She didn't care for you and she just used you until it no longer became convenient for her. She had a history of abuse and you're probably not in love with her, rather you're emotionally dependent on her because of your condition and because of the abuse she was heaping on you. I'm always a little suspicious when someone says that they were "the most caring, considerate and loving man" and that "any previous disagreements were productive conversations." That's a little hard to believe and probably why you got abuse on the other message boards. But I do think you were naive and emotionally dependent.

    As for your insomnia, as someone who has had a few bouts with it, let me advise you to cut out all caffeine. I've done research on it and caffeine stays in the body 25 hours or more, so even a daily cup of coffee can build up to sleep-depriving levels in some people in a month or two. A lot of people with insomnia live on caffeine during the day to stay awake and this just makes things worse. Also anxiety meds like Zoloft might work better than Ambien in quieting the mind rather than doping the body, but I don't know your particular condition and that's up to you to explore.

    The bottom line is your girlfriend did you wrong and you're feeling a false love, not a real love for her. Try to find someone who will love you back.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by GoodGumbo
    You have to make a willful and conscious decision to move on! Get some therapy at this point because 6 months is too long to be stuck at this point! You can heal from this, you have to put in a conscious effort to move forward!! Read others post here and see what they're doing! It needs to be about you! You can take your life back and I wish you all the luck in the world!! Sorry you are hurting!
    I don't know how to do that with an incident I have no memory of and therapy has not even slightly helped me.

    Other people here have the luxury of at least knowing what happened and what was said when they broke up so that they have something to process and come to terms with emotionally and intellectually. I do not.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    I'm always a little suspicious when someone says that they were "the most caring, considerate and loving man"
    I was only repeating what she said to me.

    and that "any previous disagreements were productive conversations." That's a little hard to believe and probably why you got abuse on the other message boards.
    When I'm hurting and attempting to get honest feedback, how would it benefit me to make things up? What would be my motive in doing so?

    I do greatly appreciate the rest of your advice, but please be mindful of making assumptions and what I actually said. Thank you for your reply.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    It is a 'loss'... and a loss is NEVER easy.

    Not sure how long you were together, but obviously you did become emotionally involved in that time.

    As mentioned.. you gave and gave a lot! But I don't think she was truly in it. Most likely because she couldn't do it.
    And also, I feel this would not have worked out anyways.. in the long run :(.

    If you read over your post, look at what you first mentioned.. something that stunted you about her losing her child to the kids father. Yah, that's big!
    So... maybe this is something that could help YOU along with seeing that this coming to an end, finally was okay.
    that she's got some real issue's.. and would have eventually become toxic for you. ( Bad stuff).

    So... for a while, yes you will hurt. There is no timeline on grieving. I have been hung up on someone I held close, for a couple of years.
    And yes, I also have been in therapy.

    I TRY to do my own thing. Music, tv, hobbies, etc. Hoping that, in time things will ease off.

    Best thing is to avoid anything to do with her.
    I also journal. Either on my PC or in a book. Anything I think of.. or want to say, I say it on my word pad.
    I have been 'venting' for weeks... yes, it can be very difficult, emotionally.

    There are also support groups on FB. I am on a few. Re: Relationships and Depression, etc.

    If it is really too much, maybe consider more than something for insomnia. Anti depressants too?

    But.. all I can say is to keep going. It is a fight. A real one, but you can do this.
    In time, believe things will start to ease off for you and you will wake up one day and realize you are actually starting to feel a little better.

    Keep reminding yourself of how wrong it all was. All the negatives about this gal.

    One day at a time...

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Poetry Guy
    Other people here have the luxury of at least knowing what happened and what was said when they broke up so that they have something to process and come to terms with emotionally and intellectually. I do not.
    A good partner would pick a time and place to talk with you about it not ignore you. Had a thing with my ex where I pushed something I knew I wasn't wrong about. Did it knowing it would be bad and I could have let it drop to keep the peace. I didn't and it was hyper abuse level then ignoring, which led to say "Why was I so stupid?" But after a bit it let me step back and not contact much then not at all because it was butting up against a brick wall. The last text was abusive and the last phone call was indifference. It helped me open up my eyes. I felt guilt about it for quite awhile and still do, but deep down I know that asking someone to look at something in a different way isn't wrong and bringing up how you feel definitely isn't wrong and doesn't deserve abuse ever. No matter if you word it badly or say it at wrong time etc... Seems like you are catching abuse/indifference/distancing as well.

    That was kind of long, but it leads to maybe you knew it wasn't working and you brought up your feelings when you had lowered inhibitions. Not saying you did, you might have been a royal jerk, but it's over and so it might not hurt to think maybe you stood up for yourself. You seem to know it is better being over and you can't remember anything so why not go with the one that helps you move forward.

    And agree with Danzee on the Ambien types. I used those for a bit and my ex (several exes ago) would look out for me as I sleep walked/talked and I had no memory of it. You might try melatonin if you haven't. It is OTC. It isn't as instant, you take an hour or more before bed, but it also doesn't lead to memory loss situations.
    Last edited by Roughpatchsw; 03-31-2018 at 03:21 PM.

  9. #8
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    What other things did you feel she was lying about, OP?

    You are correct that an apparently addicted, abusive ex would have a hard time obtaining sole custody of a child in most courts. There is almost certainly far more she didn't tell you about how that happened. I am thus curious to know what else didn't add up about her.

    It is impossible to say what exactly went down, but if she wasn't even willing to speak to you, she might have been looking for a way out of the relationship and took this argument as her opportunity to make her exit. I think we'd need a little more information from you about your relationship in general before being able to gauge that, though.

    How long were you together?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    Hi,

    In my opinion..if I were in your shoes..the only way I would be able to get over it is by using logic, since you can't trust your feelings because of how you don't remember everything.

    I would make a list of possible things I had done wrong and possible things that she had done wrong, look over them and form a theory on what you "most likely" said and all the issues she "most likely" has (if she had substance abuse for example).

    Then you can think to yourself.."worst case scenario and according to everything I've heard, I most likely said some pretty awful things that I don't remember. Can I forgive myself and accept that I can't change that?"

    Then also take into account that if she just disappeared like that and didn't even give you the benefit of closure (despite how close you 2 are supposed to be), there must also be something going on with her that you're not privvy to, another reason why she felt that ghosting you was her only option.

    I guess the hardest part is accepting that you may never know. Easier said than done, I know. But if you can't remember, you can't remember, and beating yourself up about it is not going to provide any insight.

    P.S. I think it's also possible, if it's true that you are a very considerate and loving person..that you supress your negative thoughts, and this could be why you lashed out verbally to her while under the influence (if that's what you indeed did)? Not accusing you but it's just a thought

    Hope I helped a little. Good luck and I wish you the best

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    What other things did you feel she was lying about, OP?

    You are correct that an apparently addicted, abusive ex would have a hard time obtaining sole custody of a child in most courts. There is almost certainly far more she didn't tell you about how that happened. I am thus curious to know what else didn't add up about her.

    It is impossible to say what exactly went down, but if she wasn't even willing to speak to you, she might have been looking for a way out of the relationship and took this argument as her opportunity to make her exit. I think we'd need a little more information from you about your relationship in general before being able to gauge that, though.

    How long were you together?
    The first thing she ever lied to me about was her age - and she did so twice. When we first met she told me she was 32 and then a few weeks later when we were talking about our birthdays she asked me, "How old did I tell you I was again?" This was a red flag to me and I got a cold stab of alarm right in my gut. She apologized, said it wouldn't happen again, and told me she was 35. I found out much later on that she was 37. After the initial lie and her subsequent apology I let it go, but it was still in the back of my mind. As she continued to lie, mostly about trivial and completely unnecessary things, I started developing trust issues with her. There was an online game we played with a group of people and she acquired some items that could only be purchased yet when a few of us asked her how she got them, she lied. She told this particular lie repeatedly before finally admitting to it. Nobody cared if she spent money or not - it was nobodies business - but we'd asked her out of interest and curiosity. If there was a way for us to get those things for free, great! We were genuinely curious.

    Later on she lied about smoking when we were on the phone. I smoked cigarettes on and off for about 10 years before finally quitting so I know what a lighter sounds like as well as the puff of exhaling. I teased her asking if she was "sparking a bowl" (smoking pot) over there and she got very defensive about it and said there were things I didn't need to know yet, but that was at a point where we had been in a committed relationship for months and talked or hung out every day. Dirty laundry and skeletons had already been aired and let out of the closet at that point so lying about smoking when I told her I didn't care and she knew I was a former smoker was unnecessary. Maybe she felt ashamed because I had quit 4 years ago? I have no idea, but as the lies continued they took on a compulsive quality and I started to wonder what else she was lying about. I won't get into all of them so that I can move on to some of the things that weren't adding up in hopes of not making this a gigantic novel like my OP.

    One night after we'd been together for about a month (as an official couple, not just dating) she was talking about her ex and what a terrible person he was, but she kept referring to him as her husband. This was another cold punch in the gut moment, because even though I've mentioned exes once or twice in previous relationships, I generally never felt the need to talk about previous relationships with a current girlfriend and the times that I did, I always referred to them as my ex and never my wife or girlfriend. Could it have been nothing? Yeah, but my Spidey senses were tingling. Something didn't seem right and when she mysteriously received a hot tub one day she claimed that some guy had bought it for her daughter. The problem is, her daughter was a 15 year old teen mom with an unemployed 18 year old live-in boyfriend. That one was so bizarre that I honestly just let it go. Then she had to move in with her mother, along with her two kids, her granddaughter, and her daughter's boyfriend. This is all sounding ridiculous as I type it. At any rate, she claimed it was "mutually beneficial", but it really wasn't. Her mother didn't want the daughter's boyfriend living with them and it was a constant battle as they were having to support this live-in boyfriend, griping about it, but not taking any action.

    After she lost custody of her son she didn't even tell me about it until almost two weeks later - and after more or less taking it out on me for those two weeks by being rude, snappy, distant, and even shooting down all my sexual advances. I thought she was upset with me and I told her that I wished she'd told me sooner as I was very understanding and supportive, including having her bawl her eyes out to me for almost an hour one night several weeks later. I genuinely felt bad for her and offered to help out in any way that I could, but she got depressed, started being distant, not sleeping well, and supposedly passing out when she got home from work only to call me at 11pm or later sounding drunk or drugged sometimes. And that's basically what happened the night we broke up. She texted me around noon saying she was going to take a nap, I told her I was worried about her, she Lol'd at it for whatever reason, and then 12 hours went by without a word even though we had plans to hang out that evening. I called and texted a couple of times to see if she was ok, didn't get a response, and when 9pm rolled around I called a friend, we went out to talk about all of this stuff over some drinks, and I was so upset by all of it that I drank too much. It was stupid looking back on it, but I'm a human being and I'm not perfect.

    Nothing could have prepared me for the barrage of texts that came in at around 1am and whatever happened next. The texts started out as "Ok...so..." and the last thing I remember thinking was that I was about to be told some bullsh*t lie. The rest is history.

    I know that I'm better off without her and that the whole drunken break up thing may have been a blessing in disguise, but that's not what has been so hard to come to terms with. What is, is considering the possibility that I said hurtful things that I have no memory of when I'm better than that. It hurts me to know that I may have hurt someone I loved and cared about and having no memory of it only makes it worse. It hurts having somebody disappear like that without another word and an unwillingness to talk about what happened. Silence is far more powerful than words and it's a tool narcissistic abusers use (which I honestly believe she was - she followed every pattern of narcissistic abuse to a T). The final discard can be maddening and it makes you question everything.

    Was I emotionally dependent? Yeah. Even though I'm intelligent, educated, pretty good looking, and in pretty decent shape I am nevertheless disabled and that factored into me settling for somebody that I probably wouldn't have earlier on in my life. I was dealt a bad hand and I'm doing the best that I can, but who really wants to date a disabled person with a limited income? I didn't date for years as a result, but I wanted to give love another shot and this was the result.

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