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Thread: How do you get over something like this?

  1. #11
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    So much for not writing a novel. Lol Sorry about that. And to think that that's the abridged version.

    @CML342: I'll reply to you a bit later. I have a few things I need to do.

    I appreciate the replies from everyone. Thanks!

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Roughpatchsw
    And agree with Danzee on the Ambien types. I used those for a bit and my ex (several exes ago) would look out for me as I sleep walked/talked and I had no memory of it. You might try melatonin if you haven't. It is OTC. It isn't as instant, you take an hour or more before bed, but it also doesn't lead to memory loss situations.
    Melatonin has an adverse effect with me, unfortunately. The insomnia itself is the centerpiece to my disability. It's something I've had for 25 years and it remains untreatable. I finally gave up fighting it after 20 years - through highschool, college, a marriage, and even running my own business so that I could be my own boss so that I could be my own boss and make my own schedule to try to work around it. Having insomnia for that long is very damaging and it has inflicted severe "sleep anxiety" as well as depression when the sleep deprivation reaches a certain point, which in turn feeds the insomnia, which further increases the anxiety in a never-ending vicious cycle.

    You'll have to believe me when I say that no stone has been unturned in an attempt to get to the bottom of it.

    My family and I believe that it was caused by me contracting Grave's Disease as a teenage male, which is ultra rare, and then receiving too much radioactive iodine since there wasn't a whole lot of precedent or even an adequate benchmark on how much to administer. My ex thought that was a possibility as well. She was a nurse and had some pretty extensive knowledge on the subject. What her and all of my doctors could never understand is why it doesn't respond to medication, either at all or only minimally.

    I have had other "memory loss" instances too, like when my former wife would catch me sleep walking around the house late at night eating random food or sweets. My ex knew about all of this though and there's a part of me that blames her for even messaging me at that hour to begin with. She didn't know I would be raging drunk, but she did know I'd have the pills in my system because I'm very good about maintaining good sleep hygiene, which includes going to bed at about the same time every night. For me that was between 12:30-12:45, which is very conveniently when she decided to blow up my phone with texts. Some of my friends think it was deliberate as did the therapist. I'll never know.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by CML342
    Hi,

    In my opinion..if I were in your shoes..the only way I would be able to get over it is by using logic, since you can't trust your feelings because of how you don't remember everything.

    I would make a list of possible things I had done wrong and possible things that she had done wrong, look over them and form a theory on what you "most likely" said and all the issues she "most likely" has (if she had substance abuse for example).

    Then you can think to yourself.."worst case scenario and according to everything I've heard, I most likely said some pretty awful things that I don't remember. Can I forgive myself and accept that I can't change that?"

    Then also take into account that if she just disappeared like that and didn't even give you the benefit of closure (despite how close you 2 are supposed to be), there must also be something going on with her that you're not privvy to, another reason why she felt that ghosting you was her only option.

    I guess the hardest part is accepting that you may never know. Easier said than done, I know. But if you can't remember, you can't remember, and beating yourself up about it is not going to provide any insight.

    P.S. I think it's also possible, if it's true that you are a very considerate and loving person..that you supress your negative thoughts, and this could be why you lashed out verbally to her while under the influence (if that's what you indeed did)? Not accusing you but it's just a thought

    Hope I helped a little. Good luck and I wish you the best
    I did suppress and internalize all of the distrust and sketchy, shady things and I'm sure it probably all came out when I was both drunk and medicated that night. As I stated before, I was wanting a break so that I could really gather my thoughts and address these things with her, but drunken stupidity screwed that up for me. I've done my best to rationalize it as well as piece things together from the text messages and this is the best that I've been able to come up with:

    I definitely called her out on at least some of this if not all of it, I was not nice about it, but at the same time if it was so godawful she wouldn't have continued texting me for more than an hour afterwards. After I apparently hung up on her there was a text from me saying "Forgive me for my harsh words, I'm heavily medicated" (with no mention of being drunk, for whatever reason) and texts from her saying "I told you I was sorry, but by all means, please continue" while I repeatedly made reference to her lies. Towards the end, she said she "was sure I would find someone who deserved my love and attention". There were a couple of texts talking about a trip we had planned and then nothing else as I'm sure that was the point at which I passed out.

    And that's why I feel terrible. Knowing that, in all likelihood, I really chewed her out and said terrible things so that when all is said and done, she may very well be justified for completely cutting me out and refusing to speak to me. It's a tough pill to swallow and it's left me with a very guilty conscience. No matter what she did, that doesn't justify or excuse me being mean/rude/insulting. It was avoidable too. Had she texted me earlier instead of leaving me hanging all day and all night, had I shut my phone off, had I texted back that I was drunk and in bed, or most of all, had I not been drunk to begin with, things wouldn't have ended the way that they did. Timing is a hell of a thing. I imagine I was no more than a few minutes from just passing out as well. Those are all things that haunt me as I struggle to process all of this and never knowing for sure. It's hard to forgive yourself for potentially saying something awful that you have no memory of. It's a very painful state of limbo that I wouldn't wish on anybody.

    I do strongly believe that if she had been a better person, we would've had a conversation about it at some point like two mature adults. If the shoe were reversed, there's nothing she could've said to me where, if she reached out the very next day to apologize, explain that she was drunk, had prescription sedatives in her system, and wanted to talk about it, I would've permanently ignored her. Everybody I know thinks that, regardless of how nasty I may or may not have been on the phone that night, that her real reason for disappearing is that I called her out on everything and she realized the gig was up. Narcissistic types can't deal with being exposed and will ghost people just to keep the illusions they've created about themselves intact. They also do it as punishment to inflict all of the self-doubt and second-guessing that I've had to endure. No genuinely good person would ever want to see another person suffer yet she knows that I have been and did nothing.

  4. #14
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    Yikes, this woman is a mess.

    No, the break-up didn't go down neatly and cleanly - but I don't think it would have under any circumstances, really. It's a reflection of who she is.

    It sounds like she didn't enjoy being called out on her obvious dishonesty.

  5.  

  6. #15
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    I too had my ex leave me (after 7 years) and never give an explanation other than ďI donít knowĒ. It sucks because at that point they are unwilling to work things out - their mind is made up.

    Itís going on 2 years and I came up with some theories but anything is supposition. My friends, my family, my therapist have no idea.

    It sucks, but it is something you have to learn to live with. Iím not over it (approaching 2 years) but itís gotten better.

    The difference between us is your ex sounds like a nightmare whereas mine was the best woman Iíve ever met. Interestingly, women who are terrible can be just as difficult to get over. But eventually you will or you will learn to manage it.

    This will take time...more time than you think. Iím hoping by year 3 Iíll be past mine but Iíve found as men we dont get fully over it until we meet someone better.

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