Found out he is married and has kids after 4 years.

Hi

I've just found out yesterday that bf has been married with 2 kids after 4 years.

I found out randomly googling and pic of family and relatives came up. This picture is taken few months ago.

For background, 4 years ago I met him online and our distance is 12 hours, we live in different countries.

We've only met twice during these 4 years. I've known him that he is divorced and no kids until yesterday.

We have exchanged hundreds of photos each other and phone almost everyday and video chat sometimes.

I have rung him when his friend is around..

He (even though only mentioned) tried to find the job in my country. He is very intelligent and well-off and travels around the world for jobs at times.

But I also have noticed the bad signs during these years that he doesn't want me to visit his country, he refused to give me address when I asked him so i can send him gifts and cards etc.

2 years ago, he one time disappeared from me when i demanded him to give us more time to meet and after that we haven't spoken for few months.

Last year second time we met, he was very attentive in planning and the meeting was so good. He talked about meeting more. But it didn't realized because of his works etc.

I've continued to with him even though frustrated about the situations with him but could not say good-bye to him for these years.

So this year we are about to see each other in a month, but like 2 years ago, i could see his tendency to pull away but still texts me everyday which stopped few days ago.

We argued about the planning of meeting because he doesn't give me more days to spend time together and i told him i want commitment from him.

After that i received only one text and I feel he is doing what he did 2 years ago, leaving me again.

I found out he is still married and has 2 kids, while he is trying to leave me. And I haven't contacted him since he ignores my text.

Should I just let him go since he is fading away anyway?

Should I tell him that I found out he has a wife and kids?

How I should go about this situation? I feel used and feel stupid. But I can't still seem to move on.

I cannot believe how can a person manage so much communication with other while he has happy family?

Please give me advice how to move on from this situation.. I feel sick and want something positive going forward...

Thanks.

You should block/delete him, and never look back. You have no choice but to let him go, considering you never really had him to begin with. He is someone else's husband and not an option for you.

This is why you should never get involved with a stranger you have spent so little time with in person. Your gut was screaming at you; don't ignore it next time.

This guy is not your boyfriend. This is why internet romances are not real. This has been a fantasy in your own mind, meanwhile he's been getting his thrills leading you on and cheating on his wife. He probably slept with you both times you've met up with him while his wife and kids were out of town. I can't believe you're still asking "should I just let him go?" He's a liar and a cheater. You have wasted four years of your life on this nightmare and you're wondering if you should break up with him? You haven't been in a relationship, you've been hiding from relationships. Forget about this worm. Go out and meet real guys and stay off the Internet.

Sorry to hear this happened. He sounds like a fake and you'll need to grasp that this whole thing was a lie, so you can move on. In the meantime, get out more and socialize to improve whatever loneliness and emptiness led to your allowing this to go on for so long. Go no contact and delete and block him from all messaging apps, social media, etc.

You should block/delete him, and never look back. You have no choice but to let him go, considering you never really had him to begin with. He is someone else's husband and not an option for you.

 

This is why you should never get involved with a stranger you have spent so little time with in person. Your gut was screaming at you; don't ignore it next time.

Very good advice here. You were used, plain and simple. You owe him nothing, so just block and delete him and move on with your life. Next time listen to your instincts when they scream at you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, I'm sure you're flooded with an enormous amount of different emotions. You certainly have every right to be mad, and if you chose to tell him off I don't think anyone would scoff at you. The hardest part of this is to look back and realize that the last four years have been a serious lie and betrayal. Along that though, when you're honest about it and look at it clearly now that you're stepping back, you'll see many red flags I'm sure. One that struck me that unfortunately you believed him more than what your senses were telling you is him refusing to give you his addy for gifts, etc. You can't go backwards, what you DESERVE is to go forward with YOUR life. Don't let your anger waiver, use that to drive you to getting past the creep and blocking him from every facet and corner of your life. Because you really don't know him, you really don't know what he is capable of. So unless his spouse reaches out to you, I wouldn't think of letting onto her that her husband has been involved with you as a LDR for four years.

Hang in there girl, it's not your fault. Don't waste another second on him. Always trust your gut, don't ignore obvious red flags no matter what "they" try to tell you. You've wasted enough time, energy, life on him. Go out and do YOU. ((((HUGS)))

Block/delete. You don't want this kind of man. If he is being this deceptive to his wife and betrays her to this degree, you can be sure that he will do the same to you if you and he ever became serious in person.

You don't want to have to be worrying constantly and checking what he's doing constantly. You're better off to let a man like this go, and have him be someone else's problem and upset.

A man like this will only bring heartbreak and damage.

Thank you all, I was confused and now i feel a little better to know what I should do after everyone is giving me advice.

MissCanuck, Wiseman2, melancholy123

I should block him and delete him.. would it be wise to let him know that i will? Or I just vanish?

I know it does not matter how he feels right now but part of me wants him to miss me..

Part of me still cannot believe that he has wife as he really seems like he is living alone at home.. maybe they are separated..

To Danzee, yes i have slept with him both times like a couple would do. He used to tell me we were exclusive and we would have beautiful kids etc..

To WildChildOG, thank you for your warm words.. no i would not tell his wife about this. I'm wondering if it would be wise of me to tell him.

Today I've deleted his pictures and our pictures from my phone. I cannot bring myself to block and delete him as I'm still scared that he might forget about me.

Sherry Sher, yes you are right, if miracle happens and we would be together, i can understand he will do the same.

There is no point announcing that you are going No Contact.

He doesn't care enough, to be blunt. If he cared as much as you thought he did, he wouldn't have lied in the first place. Going No Contact won't affect him the way you're hoping, and you have to ask yourself why you want a bottom-feeder to miss you. You need to cut contact so you can move on. I understand you are disappointed and hurt right now, but it would be very foolish to ever hang on to hope for a guy like this. He's been lying to you and his wife, and who knows how many other girls he fools around with on the side.

Clearly you had been doubting his story for a long time, leading you to finally do some digging to uncover the truth. Please, listen to your instincts next time when something doesn't add up.

I don't think he'll forget about you, but if he did, then it adds even more to how conniving and despicable he is. How you deal with it is up to you. It's easy for all of us to say don't talk to him again, and you very well may decide to not. If you did, I would keep it to a bare minimum telling him it's done. You don't have to give him a reason, he'll either A) turn it around on you, and that you were "spying" on him, stalking, etc. Or, B) try to be Mr. Charming and fill you full of more lies about how he doesn't live with his wife and kids, or he's leaving her, or those were his nieces/nephews, etc. If you cut it off clean and swift, it will hurt less.

Miss canuck, he used to tell me he misses me and always initiate contacts etc. He one time was saying something like, his mom wants to see grand kids one day and she is worried about his future maybe after his divorce.. his life looks like he doesn't have a family.

But you are right he might have other girls and probably having a good time with family now..

The reason I want him to miss me is that I maybe want to feel at least I was something to him during these years.

I tend to think I do not have to let him know that I will go no contact.

WildChildOG, Thank you for saying you don't think he will forget about me..

Actually one time he told me one of his ex turned into a stalker. I felt sorry about it and thought that is why he does not want to give me his address.

I want to avoid being called a stalker.. I can see either a) or b) or ignoring would be coming.

I put my phone in other room at night time so that I would not contact him on impulse. I will do my best to block and delete him..

Miss canuck, he used to tell me he misses me and always initiate contacts etc. He one time was saying something like, his mom wants to see grand kids one day and she is worried about his future maybe after his divorce.. his life looks like he doesn't have a family.

 

But you are right he might have other girls and probably having a good time with family now..

But his words weren't supported with actions, were they?

You saw him twice in four years. That is far too little by any standard, and I am sure your alarm bells were clanging a while ago that something wasn't right. You need to remember that anyone can say anything; its actions that tell the true story. You also can't exactly say his life didn't look like he was a married family man, given that you knew very little about him and his life in the first place. It was easy to conceal from you because he revealed so little to you.

The truth is that you didn't know him at all. The man he pretended to be is not the real him, and there's probably so much more you still don't know. The woman he claimed was a stalker? More than likely that was actually another side-piece who caught on to him and told his wife. And he likely tells the same story to other women, too. He was too comfortable with this to have been his first rodeo. I guarantee you that you're not the only one in his roster.

You have already wasted far too much of your heart and time on someone who didn't exist as you knew him. Don't do it again and don't get further entangled in this by having any more contact with him. He's a bad, bad seed.

Thank you Miss Canuck. I'm glad to receive your reply.

Bear with me though, so I still could not block and delete yet and he texted me yesterday to ask me about the meeting which we were talking before and ask me what I think.

He has a flight already to my country, but before he was saying that he has to meet local colleagues here or friends and has to have drinks with them which meant shorten our time together.

I don't know why he was asking what I think when nothing would change his way of doing things.

Anyway.. I did not reply. He doesn't know I know he has wife and kids.

I almost tried to send the pic I found, but glad I didn't.

I'm having a lot of emotions.. I feel a surge of anger when I see the pic of family.

I also feel like maybe it is not him in the pic. I also feel like I could be away from the frustration I've been feeling for these years.

I also wonder how can a person enjoy deceiving other like this. He used to send me loads of pictures where ever he goes, the camping, business trips.

He picked up my random call in the morning..or video chat at the night time I saw him falling asleep on the screen.

I'll be silent to him..

Unfortunately he's stringing you along and you are not being honest with him. It's ok to tell him it's over even if you don't mention your findings.

He has a flight already to my country, but before he was saying that he has to meet local colleagues here or friends and has to have drinks with them

He doesn't know I know he has wife and kids.

His flight is covered by the company. You're right I tried not to be too honest about what I want or my feeling all the time because if I do I've learned that he gets evasive.. He knows my frustration.

I only found the pic a few days ago. After I found I haven't spoken with him..

I cannot cut the contact yet but I don't know if I can say it's over.. even if its over.

Yes, you can cut contact with him---you're choosing not to. There is a universe of difference between the two.

It's over. He's married to a woman who comes first in all of his considerations and priorities.

A chick he's talking to online? Not so much. She gets fit in when he steals time away from his life.

There is more here to you than there is to him. His behavior makes that clear.

Thank you. Yes, he has been just killing time when he talks to me.

He used to send texts to ask if I'm ok when I don't text. But not now. He might have noticed something or simply doesn't care.

I have been thinking maybe i want to say to him now I found out as final word to him. But looking at their pic, I feel he doesn't deserve any more word from me.

I don't want to be the last one to text somehow, so he texted me last time and I leave it at that is for the best for me? I hope I'm doing ok.

A little rant.. He said before his mom asked whom he has been texting back and force and teasing him for that..

He used to say how much he likes dark hair and his wife is blonde. (His wife looks very intelligent and warm and kind person though..)

Every time he says he loves me before we hung up the phone.

Last month he brought up the subject and asks me what I think about our relationship. I made it clear what I want, and he asks how long I can wait for him.

I have been thinking I have been dealing with commitment phobe person, but I have been dealing with someone's husband and daddy.

Exactly, this guy isn't commitment-phobic. He's a liar and a cheater.

You have to realize now that probably most of what he's said to you is also not true. His mom teased him about who he was texting all the time? Yeah, right. That's probably a fabrication, another line he uses to keep you hooked. This guy also wasn't in love with you, OP. If he was, he would have done more to be with you - for example, not be married to someone else.

I know it's hard to let go of who you thought was someone else. I am curious to know why this was satisfying for you, given you almost never spent any time together and he was evasive for so long. What kept you there? Do you not feel you could have done better with a more present, local man?

You do realize that at the end of the day, he is getting into bed with his wife and his kids asleep in the next room and they are a family, right? You don't fit into that picture and that's how he wants it.

You are the side piece whom he goes to out of boredom, but he wants his family and that's not going to change anytime soon.

Exactly, this guy isn't commitment-phobic. He's a liar and a cheater.

 

You have to realize now that probably most of what he's said to you is also not true. His mom teased him about who he was texting all the time? Yeah, right. That's probably a fabrication, another line he uses to keep you hooked. This guy also wasn't in love with you, OP. If he was, he would have done more to be with you - for example, not be married to someone else.

 

I know it's hard to let go of who you thought was someone else. I am curious to know why this was satisfying for you, given you almost never spent any time together and he was evasive for so long. What kept you there? Do you not feel you could have done better with a more present, local man?

Like you said before, I should listen to my instincts from now on. It was not satisfying for me.

When we started talking very first time, we had so much to talk about and we used to talk everything non-stop and it is genuinely fun to be connected to him.

We had so much communications in such a volume every single day except a few months of no-contact during 4 years, I just wanted to work it out.

What was that a little bit of jealous he showed when I said I was with other guys during my business trip..

I talked to my friend about the findings and she said the same thing as all of you, I should not talk to him anymore and she was shocked.

She first said they maybe separated but got together for kids but when she heard he doesn't give me address after 4 years, she said this is simply weird and definitely be with wife.

Last month, he said he is holding me back while he knows how much I want a family with him and he feels he is not committed and is not good and he thinks how sweet I am and we should talk more about this etc. He asks what I want, I told him I want an engagement within a year and he said he will think about it.

There were so many chances he could say he has a wife or he can break it off when he knows he has his own family on his end.

He texted me yesterday "how are you", which I did not reply to. He has no clue what I have been going through for the last week.

You do realize that at the end of the day, he is getting into bed with his wife and his kids asleep in the next room and they are a family, right? You don't fit into that picture and that's how he wants it.

You are the side piece whom he goes to out of boredom, but he wants his family and that's not going to change anytime soon.

Yes. I cried when I got back home after I talk with my friend. I'm scared of him that he is capable of this.

He is selfish. He doesn't care how it's affecting you, nor does he care how it would affect his wife is she found out that he was cheating on her. All he cares about is his own wants and needs and anyone that get's in the way of that, he will drop.

He likes to tells stories in order for women to feel sorry for him so he can continue on getting their attention whilst still maintaining his family life. He will tell you what he thinks you want to hear but truth be told, he is saying those things to make you out to be a fool and to keep you in your place.

He is not serious about you and he will replace you if you complain. He may already have other women in the background.

You need to understand this type of person, he is a narcissist and has zero feelings towards how he might be hurting or damaging anyone else around him.

He will also manipulate and control , lie and cheat, again, all for his own benefit.

Thank you for letting me see what kind of person he is. I guess I need this.

He is selfish, he even said his divorce was due to him being selfish and he really loved her..

He doesn't look bad person at all though, to be honest, he looks very very kind person and sincere.

And they look like such a perfect family.

4 years is a long time.. My friend got married recently to a guy she met a year ago.

There is a company in other country, I saw the people in that company more than 10 times during 4 years...

Very, very kind people, do not lie to someone they say they care about, nor do they hide truths. Can you imagine if you were his wife and how devastated you'd be if you found out he was cheating on you and fooling around with another woman for 4 years? A nice person wouldn't do these kinds of things.

He is a great actor but his actions show who he really is.

Thank you for letting me see what kind of person he is. I guess I need this.

 

He is selfish, he even said his divorce was due to him being selfish and he really loved her..

 

He doesn't look bad person at all though, to be honest, he looks very very kind person and sincere.

And they look like such a perfect family.

 

4 years is a long time.. My friend got married recently to a guy she met a year ago.

There is a company in other country, I saw the people in that company more than 10 times during 4 years...

What does that really mean, though?

How does someone look kind? I am curious what you based that on, seeing as how you only ever saw him in person twice.