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Relationship Break


jimdandy

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Hi all,

 

First time poster here to this great website, it has helped me through some tough times.

 

My (ex?) girlfriend and I had some rough times recently and kind of drifted apart. We've been together 4 years and living together that long too. As things became bad there before and after Christmas she decided it was best she moved out to take some time out and get her head straight on us. I fully agreed and helped her move out, all very amicable. She insisted that it wasn't a break-up and that we should just spend some time apart. We both agreed on this.

 

I told her that I thought it would be best that we weren't in contact for the two months so we could really see what it would be like without being in each other's lives. She wasn't overly keen on this but once I explained this to her she understood and accepted. During the first week I got a few texts from her regarding stuff she needed and I would give a single reply. If any post arrived I'd just forward it to her new address. A few weeks into the break I posted her something and she sent a 'thank you' text to which I didn't reply. A few days after that she sent me an angry text that I hadn't replied and that she hoped that nothing else arrived in the post that I would have to forward to her. I replied to this basically stating that I was only doing what we had agreed before she moved out and that if any more post came for her I'd gladly forward it to her, never a problem. That was our last communication, 5 weeks ago and this weekend marks 8 weekends since she moved out.

 

I do miss her. And I think we could make it work again. I'm just wondering if this NC thing was a bad idea as we hadn't actually broken up and were just taking a break. I have no idea what she is up to these days at all. I imagine that she will contact me to meet up next week when the two months have passed. I just wonder if anyone has advice or experience of something like this. Thanks for reading my post.

 

Regards,

 

JimDandy

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Sorry to hear this. What became bad? What were the arguments about? Why did you move in together right away? Moving out is pretty definitive that it's over. Where did she move to?

 

What are you hoping for when you reconvene at the 2 mos mark? Do you want her back, or just miss her as would be normal after that amount of time together.

My (ex?) girlfriend and I had some rough times recently and kind of drifted apart. We've been together 4 years and living together that long too. As things became bad there before and after Christmas she decided it was best she moved out to take some time out and get her head straight on us.
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Hey Wiseman2,

 

We were housemates before we became partners, that's why we were together from the get go. She moved to another part of town, on a short term couple of months let. Things just became strained, mainly due to pressure we were both under career wise. The spark wasn't there for a few months, funnily enough it came back in the last week before she moved out. We both realised we needed some time out.

 

With the passage of time, I really miss her, want her back and think we could make it work if we ease ourselves back in. I've no idea what she's feeling though or how the break has been for her.

 

JimDandy

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Well, you made a few mistakes here. The No Contact thing is when you've permanently broken up and you're trying to heal. You don't want to hear from an ex that reopens the wound every time they text or call. We had one poster say that every time she hears from her ex, she suffers an anxiety attack for hours. Now, that's an extreme reaction, but it shows that No Contact can eliminate a lot of stress in people's lives.

 

It sounds like she just wanted a little space for a few weeks and you pulled the trigger by telling her to get lost for two months. Whoa! You've made her angry too! 5 weeks of her not contacting you sounds like a permanent break up to me. And why didn't you apologize 5 weeks ago and bring her flowers and chocolates? 5 weeks is a long time and I'm afraid your relationship is over. Your only hope, and this is a Hail Mary pass, is show up at her place with flowers and an Easter basket of candy or something she really likes and beg her forgiveness. I think you have a 40% chance of getting her back. Maybe less.

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hey,

 

my thinking here was that we were on the slippery slide towards an inevitable breakup so I thought keeping us apart for two months would give us both perspective and allow her to miss me and vice versa. I'm not overly concerned about the 5 weeks NC from her because she has always been stubborn so that is a factor. I just thought I wait until the two months had passed before we met up again and see if we feel the same, that day will pass next week.

 

anyone else think I screwed up?

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You done screwed up big time. NC wasn't the way to go. Limited would have been better. Only replying being short with her pissed her off, and rightfully so. You acted cold towards her. You need to understand women are sensitive and emotional, and you need to act like you care to some extent, otherwise all you do is shut us down and we lose feelings and feel rejected. Taking a break can mean a breakup, so if you didn't want that to happen, you would have had to show some type of feelings towards her. Now she went silent on you. And you on her. NC should never ever be used as a game piece. Does she miss you? Maybe. Is she pissed? Definitely. Do you have a good chance now? Most likely not.

 

If I were you I'd break that NC right now.

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Maybe NC wasn't a good idea, but I still think that if you really want this to work out, since you were clear about the NC from the get go, you can make a comeback. I know a couple who dated for 9 years, broke up to get perspective for a couple of months and now they have a lovely one year old.

 

If the reasons for the break were serious differences though, you may want to re think the whole thing. So what perspective did you gain from the break?

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You don't fix a relationship by not communicating, OP.

 

If you two intended this as some space - but not a break-up - then yes, you went about it all wrong. Cutting off contact doesn't do anything to remedy the problems between you. It is much more likely to worsen them.

 

That doesn't mean you two should be together, necessarily. Moving out is a big step backwards. Clearly, something doesn't work between you and her. However, if the intention has been to resolve the issues, you cannot keep up No Contact. I don't see the purpose of that at all in reaching your objective here.

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OP it's perfectly normal to miss your partner after a "relationship break" or breakup, that doesn't mean you are right for each other and should try again.

 

It would "abnormal" if you didn't miss each other! Especially after four years together.

 

It's a mistake many couples make, they break up, miss each other, try again, rinse repeat.

 

From everything you wrote, this sounds done.

 

As you said "spark" is gone, you grew apart, whatever, let it go and move on.

 

When/if she contacts you, suggest she do the same.

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  • 2 months later...

Bump.

 

Looks like I'll be back here for a while. So when a few girls on here told me that NC wasn't the correct thing to do here I contacted her instantly. Long story short, we got back together for two months. Felt great for a while. Then old failings cropped up every now and then. I messed up on a couple of counts. We broke up last Wednesday, mutually. Thursday morning was the first time I'd ever officially lost her and I panicked. I pushed for a second chance. Met her tonight. Told her that I wanted another chance, that all bets were now off. She declined, saying that last Wednesday was the last chance to convince her. She mentioned also, not for the first time, that the two months of no contact had devastated her and changed her as a person whilst I hadn't really changed at all. Looks like that really did the damage. I'll start my two months NC again now, I've blocked her on all mediums. This time, it's to move on myself as a person and get over her, not to get her back. When she broke it off with me last week I wanted her the next day like nothing ever before. When I met her tonight the conversation was flowing in a way that made me think we'd get back together and I felt less engaged. When she declined my offer I wanted her back again. I didn't beg or plead, just begrudgingly accepted it. I suppose I just want something I can't have then when I have it, it doesn't seem so great...

 

A great girl gone from my life, hard to imagine meeting another like her. I just didn't show her often enough how much I cared. No more than I deserve.

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yep, in fairness you called it from the start so who am I to argue with the expert. I emailed her today for some closure and she replied. She was nice but clinical - this is 100% over. When we had the crisis meeting last week she was in bits, almost begging me to make the emotional effort to save things. I played it cool, partly because I kinda felt it was the right thing to do, partly because I kinda liked having some control. When she left my car last week I was a bit numb/blank. It was only the following morning it actually hit me. So the meeting yesterday was me panicking to save it and get her back but it was too late. What the **** is wrong with me? I've well and truly blown the only good thing in my life. I will have no problem in going NC for as long as it takes to get my life back in order but deep down I'll always wonder where she is and want her back. She was so unsure last week, could have tossed a coin to decide on it. Yesterday, as cold as ice. She's been indecisive as a person throughout our relationship - maybe there's a small chance she'll come back to me? People are going to tell me there's no point in her coming back as the same thing will probably happen again - they'd probably be right - but right now I could do with deluding myself that somewhere down the line the best girl I'd ever have might reach out to me for one more shot. Can anyone placate me and tell me there's a chance?

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I suppose I just want something I can't have then when I have it, it doesn't seem so great...

 

I just didn't show her often enough how much I cared.

 

 

jimdandy, I'm sorry it's over, but I really think it would be in your best interests to explore further what you wrote above. Because it sounds like when you're "there", in the relationship, you actually don't care that much.

 

It's only when she leaves, when it's over for good, that you realize you care.

 

Time to dig deep, introspect, you may have some commitment issues you're not aware of because your thinking and behavior are very typical of someone with such issues. Just a thought.

 

Seems to be a pattern at least within this RL, has it happened in other RLs as well?

 

Anyway, if you don't get a handle on it, you will self-sabotage all your future relationships, just like you did with this girl.

 

Best of luck as you sort this out.

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Thank you both for your replies.

 

I know I need to work on all of the outlined issues though I think the shock therapy of this break up may provide me with much of what I need going forward.

 

As two ladies who are aware of the situation and what I have done, have you any suggestions for how I might get her back one day? Just let it be? I have a feeling she will be in a new relationship before very long. This is killing me.

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Thanks for your honesty. The reason I was to block her was for NC to help me heal and get over this. Reaching out to her now will only push her away and make me seem weak. I blocked her so I won't have any communication with her and will be able to move on with my life and hopefully eventually get over her as it seems to be over. Is that not exactly what I should be doing?

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Ya I advise you get over her. I don't think you can change as a person and be healthy for another relationship unless you do. There's lessons to take away from what happened. Try not to repeat past behavior. Good luck, I hope you find your happiness.

 

I agree with SG and think it would be best to move on, take what you've learned (which hopefully you have) and apply to your next RL. In the meantime, reflect and introspect so you don't repeat unhealthy past feelings and behaviors in your future RLs. Continue learning, growing, evolving.

 

The reason I say this (that you should move on from this girl) is because you have already jerked her around twice. You admit that while broken up, you missed her desperately and wanted her back, but then once you got back together, and while "in" the RL, you experienced the same feelings of not thinking your RL (or her) were so great (your own words), and not showing her how much your cared, assuming you did care at least on some level (again your own words).

 

So sure you miss and crave her NOW that she's gone, but what makes you so sure that if you were to get back together, you wouldn't start feeling the same way again? Thinking it's not so great after all, just like the two previous times?

 

Bump.

 

So when a few girls on here told me that NC wasn't the correct thing to do here I contacted her instantly. Long story short, we got back together for two months. Felt great for a while. Then old failings cropped up every now and then. I messed up on a couple of counts. We broke up last Wednesday, mutually. Thursday morning was the first time I'd ever officially lost her and I panicked. I pushed for a second chance.

 

There is a pattern here, and seriously, best if you take some time out, and reflect and introspect, really dig deep in an effort to determine your feelings, behavior and reactions with respect to committed relationships and why you seem to "turn off" once in one. And then once it's over, begin to crave and long for her.

 

I realize these are tough issues to navigate, so I wish you the best of luck on this journey! :D

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>>I pushed for a second chance.

Actually, it would be your third chance.

 

I am one who does agree with second chances, but NOT third chances.

 

Don't risk jerking her around again JD, take time out and reflect, introspect.

 

Again there is a pattern, and you need to figure it out before embarking on any more relationships.

 

Maybe casually date for awhile while doing so.

 

Good luck!

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Thanks again for your insights and wisdom. Today is only two days since we last had contact and I'm finding this very difficult - the two months during the break were a relative walk in the park as I still felt that we would give it another shot.

 

What keeps getting to me is that when we met last week she was extremely close to giving it another shot with no persuasion from me at all. A week changed everything. She's always been indecisive. A change in her character I noticed after the two months was that she was a lot more snappy than before and a bit more fond of the drink. Partying a lot with work colleagues whereas before it was usually just us. Is there a strong chance she'll jump right into a new relationship? And if so would that work for or against me? Despite the good advice here, I want her back. This is the first time I've officially lost her and the shock has changed my perspective. I won't contact her for now but what would be my best move in getting her back? Again, I'm aware that you believe that I should move on and you're probably right but damn it, I'd love another shot, life's too short.

 

I'd like to ask you both what my next move in this regard should be even if you don't agree with it.

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When you were dating for the 2 mos, did you have the exclusivity talk? Was it understood that you were a couple? The best thing you can do is stop putting yourself in the friendzone by hanging out and talking. Stay no contact. If she decides to come back she'll come to that conclusion. But she can't miss you if you're buzzing around in the friendzone, while she lines up other guys to date.

Is there a strong chance she'll jump right into a new relationship? And if so would that work for or against me?
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Hey

 

Yes we did have that talk and both agreed that we wouldn't see anyone else during the break and we both stuck to that. I haven't been in contact in two days and we ended it officially 3 days ago so I haven't been hanging around at all. And won't be either if it's for the best. How long do you wait though? For good until she contacts me? She's very stubborn and could easily not come back in contact even if she wanted to.

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The entire point of her "break" was to find other guys and try to relegate you to the friendzone. Yes, let her reach out to you. If she has you on a string begging, pleading it makes matters much worse and severely reduces your attractiveness as a potential bf.

For good until she contacts me?
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No, the break was to see if she still wanted me in her life. We discussed beforehand that we'd meet again after two months and see if we could make it work again. The terms were that we wouldn't see anyone else during the break and if we were at all inclined to we'd meet up and call the whole thing off.

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I understand that you think I should move on. But I'd love nothing more than to give it one last shot. Though you disagree with this, what would be my best next move if I wanted one last chance. Buy her flowers or stay the hell away? What should I do?

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